Engadget Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I wouldn't put it like that. For me a "standard" would be someone who doesn't go out drinking often. I'm 26, I've never liked the whole "beer pong" crowd. You want to throw a party? Alright. Want to have loud music? Alright. Want to do fun things, maybe play cards or something? Alright. Beer Pong? No thanks. I've just found that certain activites that people partake in on a regular basis shows their behavior. Smoking illegal substances, going out to bars 4/7 days a week, playing beer pong. All these are red flags in my book. Huge ones. Illegal substances is a dealbreaker for me. Bars, depends on how much and how often. Playing beer pong, as silly as it sounds is a deal breaker. It's one thing to drink socially while talking and end up drinking too much, It's quite another to purposefully play drinking games in an effort to GET drunk. Getting drunk, as an achievment for the evening, is a sign of immaturity IMHO. Those are my "standards/preferences". Some are flexible. Others not so much. So smoking weed occasionally is a dealbreaker? Also, it's not illegal everywhere, and where I live is now decriminalized. It's legality shouldn't be the issue.
Morals Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 So smoking weed occasionally is a dealbreaker? Also, it's not illegal everywhere, and where I live is now decriminalized. It's legality shouldn't be the issue. Well for the most part weed is considered illegal. And yes, almost everyone I've known that smoked weed in the past has had bad decision making. One friend of mine became a dealer, thank god I didn't end up moving in with him. I still occasionally hang out with people who smoke weed, but my partner will not be one of those. I tolerate people doing it. I don't condone it though.
ADF Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Having preferences makes you deep, not shallow. Having no preference makes one shallow. Only having unreasonable demands is shallow. Why apologize or feel bad about what you want? I'm not ashamed of what I want: 1. Single never married 2. No kids 3. Loves working out/fitness 4. Has Christian religious values 5. Moderate to conservative political beliefs If a girl falls outside of that, she's not datable to me. It doesn't mean she's a bad person, she's just not right for me. Get the person you want, you're the one who has to live with them not those losers who call you shallow. I dunno. This post raises an interesting philosophical question. In our culture, there is this strong belief that you should never question what it is you want, and that wanting something badly means you deserve to get it. I don't know if I agree. But maybe that's another thread.
Engadget Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I guess my issue is with the legal status of it, not liking it or how people are on it is fine. However it's only illegal because of greed and racism, and it should and will be legal sometime down the road.
CLC2008 Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 E - I can understand why you are hesitant with the military aspect given what you've already been through..... The age aspect, well you're so very young too and he's only a couple years younger. So, maybe it really has less to do with "preference", but more so, a deal breaker...? See
Author EricaH329 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 Yes, I'm not that snobbish. I wouldn't date girls with kids, but if one came along that was perfect for me I just might. I don't have many preferences/requirements. People here confuse me with their laundry list of absolute no's. I don't think that abiding by your personal preferences makes you snobbish. I prefer certain things over others because of my experiences with them. I hate lima beans (), so i'm not going to eat them. Drugs ruined my life at one time, so i'm not going to associate myself with drugs or people who use them. There are reasons behind my preferences and standards. Some of them i'm more lenient with than others. My only absolute no's are drugs and abusive people. Age (although relevant) doesn't guarantee maturity. Quoted for truth! So while you're on the right path, you could very well be dismissing some good men because they're a little younger than you. A better guage would be to define it by behavior that indicates a lack of maturity. I completely agree! I don't immediately dismiss a person because of their age, i'm just a bit more hesitant about dating someone if they are younger than I am. I do give guys younger than I am the benefit of the doubt, though. Not wanting to date a drug dealer isn't what I'd call a "preference." It's more what I'd call a standard. And it's a good one. The word "preference" is a mild one. Preferring one thing doesn't imply rejecting all alternatives. I might prefer potatoes, but I'll eat rice if none are available. If you really like this young man--and it sounds like you do--go outside your preferences. Don't miss out on what could be a good relationship because of general concerns that might not even apply here. So far, I do like him As I said before, i'm a bit hesitant because of his age, however... what trumps his age is the fact that he's leaving for the military. There is a ton of work and strength needed to sustain a long distance relationship for a long period of time. I'm just not sure that's something I want to get myself into again. E - I can understand why you are hesitant with the military aspect given what you've already been through..... The age aspect, well you're so very young too and he's only a couple years younger. So, maybe it really has less to do with "preference", but more so, a deal breaker...? See Maybe i'm comparing this situation to the one I recently got out of. My ex was both younger than I am, and was in the military. It ended horribly. Since this guy is in the same position (not trying to say he's the same person, because I can already tell he's nothing like my ex), it feels like deja vu.
Gallaxia Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 At first, I used to stick strictly to my preferences, then I loosened up my restrictions. But when those r'ships came to an end, I always found myself to be angrier than usual- in the healing dept... not sure why. Maybe it was a "what was I thinking?! He's zyx and I'm prefer blah blah blah." Anyway, I'm back to strictly my preferences. BUT, I would have never known, had I not ventured "out"...
jenifer1972 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Well, since you are only 23, I would say anyone younger than that is going to be immature by definition. I think you have to be at least 27 to have a significant amount of maturity. There is no substitute for experiences. There is another alternative....You could just date him, and make it clear that you are not aiming for anything at all exclusive or committed. I wouldn't get involved in a LDR. Would only wish that on my worst enemy..
desertmoon Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 E, it would not be fair to him. The cards are stacked against him. So he is coming in with you hoping he will debunk all the things that you do not particularly care for in a guy. However, if you can honestly say you are going to have an "open mind"(difficult to do, I think)..heck, why not? go and have fun!
Author EricaH329 Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 At first, I used to stick strictly to my preferences, then I loosened up my restrictions. But when those r'ships came to an end, I always found myself to be angrier than usual- in the healing dept... not sure why. Maybe it was a "what was I thinking?! He's zyx and I'm prefer blah blah blah." Anyway, I'm back to strictly my preferences. BUT, I would have never known, had I not ventured "out"... That makes sense. The reason I have preferences, though, is because of the things i've been through in the past. I know what works for me, and what doesn't. I also know what I can be lenient with, and what I can't. Well, since you are only 23, I would say anyone younger than that is going to be immature by definition. I think you have to be at least 27 to have a significant amount of maturity. There is no substitute for experiences. Absolutely! Which is why i'm hesitant about going younger. I'm already young to begin with. Also, since i've been 13 years old, i've always had friends that are older than I am. I'm not too sure why. My best friend, right now, is 29 years old. The thought of dating someone younger than I am, scares me a bit. I've dated one guy that's been younger than I am (my most current ex), and he's only a year younger, but it made all the difference in the world. I'm probably going to get a tonnnn of crap for this, and I really don't mean this in a negative way (more of a naive way), but i've heard that men mature at a slower pace than females? Maybe that's why I prefer older guys. But I really can't judge a guy based on his age alone. On the other hand, he's friends with my co-worker (the one I had mentioned in a previous post) and she is insanely immature. Which frightens me a bit. Ah, sorry, i'm rambling. This is actually helping me figure this out, though. Hope you guys don't mind There is another alternative....You could just date him, and make it clear that you are not aiming for anything at all exclusive or committed. I wouldn't get involved in a LDR. Would only wish that on my worst enemy.. Yes, LDR's suck! The only thing they are good for is healing after the break up! E, it would not be fair to him. The cards are stacked against him. So he is coming in with you hoping he will debunk all the things that you do not particularly care for in a guy. However, if you can honestly say you are going to have an "open mind"(difficult to do, I think)..heck, why not? go and have fun! Him and I actually talked earlier today about this. I explained a bit further why I don't like LDR's and dating younger guys. He explained to me (just as my co-worker had) that he really is a good guy, not perfect by any means, but he tries his best. That if I give him the opportunity, I would experience it for myself. He also told me that he doesn't want to push anything that I don't want on me, but he'd like to get the opportunity to get to know me a bit better. He does seem like the type of guy that enjoys being in a relationship. I don't want to hurt him, or myself. Just the idea of a LDR makes me cringe. But I do enjoy his company, and from what I know of him so far, he has a lot of potential. Who knows. I'm so torn. I keep going back and forth with this. I know I could fall for him, which is something i'd like considering we have a lot in common (haven't met someone like that in awhile)... but then my preferences (mostly about him leaving for the military) keeps popping up. He doesn't leave for bootcamp until January though, i'm assuming that by that time if it were to be something serious it will be clear by that point.
JustJoe Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Erica, I, on the other hand don't believe in "preferences". I always try my best to be open-minded about relationships and friendships, and never reject anyone simply because they don't agree with me on issues or morality.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 After much thought, i've decided that i'm ready to date again I have very few preferences. I don't like dating anyone younger than I am (i'm 23), anyone that's in the military (too much for me right now), and anyone who does drugs (deal breaker). That being said, there's a guy who wants to date me, who is younger than I am and is also enlisted in the military. I'm extremely hesitant, and i've made this known. However, neither of those are a deal breaker for me. But, since i'm just now ready to begin dating, I feel as though maybe my preferences should be first and foremost? Given my situation, would you date someone who doesn't quite meet your preferences? I really don't mean to sound shallow, but i'm very hesitant about dating certain people because of my past experiences. Side note: So far, this particular guy seems to be really cool. I don't know him very well yet, but from what I do know I get along with him really well. What would you do? (sigh) I want the sky to always be blue in your world, and the grass to always be lush and green with the sun always shining, except when spectacular stars are shooting across your visible universe at night. HOWEVER... you are running the risk of reaching age 30 (lets say)... and knowing only 3, 4, or 11 things about prospective mates as follows: 1. You won't date a guy who leaves his dirty socks on the floor 2. You won't date a guy who goes to the gym three nights a week 3. You won't date a guy who who doesn't like your grandmother's favorite recipe for Yams. Everybody else will be fair game. You adopted the listed standards from various past relationships from which the greatest strains are included on the list. Well the problem is that even a delicious-seeming person like you simply cannot experience that many people for enough time to get a meaningful list that could truly hope to guide you. (so any list such as my silly list, or your more honest list will be and seem waaaaaaaaaay too small to offer accurate guidelines) I mean, c'mon, most of us didn't get "drugs are a deal-breaker" from actual experience dating someone who was into them. Instead we just read and observed enough examples from everywhere to know we didn't want to be involved... Given what I've sensed about you in recent months, I just think you could gain so much from just going through the engaging-your-mind-with-members-of-the-opposite-sex to a point where you at least renew your expectation that IN DUE TIME ONE such person out there really WILL be the one with whom you will mate for life. If you know you're ready to date again... then merely going through the early motions of that will really help your perspective.
Author EricaH329 Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 I wanted to thank everyone for all of the advice and suggestions!! I really appreciate the time given to help put things into perspective! I decided to give this a fair shot. He came over to visit earlier, and I was thinking he was just stopping by for a bit. We ended up talking for 5 1/2 hours! That's all we did, was just talked. He asked me, again, if his age bothered me. And we also talked about him going into the military. He told me that he understands why I would be hesitant, but just so I know, he signed a contract that guaranteed him to be stationed close. I've never heard of anything like that before, but I have no reason not to believe him. We talked about everythinggg. He told me he was extremely nervous (i'm assuming that's why he was talking so much), and he told me a few times throughout the night that he thought I was absolutely beautiful. I caught him staring at me a few times, and he would always apologize. I found it very endearing! I'm not too sure what's going to come of this. I can say, though, that i'm extremely physically attracted to him. Out of 3 of my friends who have met him, only one finds him attractive. I don't know what it is about him... but I actually find him to be more attractive than my ex fiance (physically). But we all know that it takes more than that for something serious to happen. I do like his personality, he's really nice (in a good way), and seems to be very caring and appreciative. He also knows how to communicate and seems to be very honest. In the same breath, there's nothing that really pops out for me. Thinking about it, though, maybe there doesn't need to be? Maybe everything i've listed is more than what most can ask for. Maybe the type of connection that I had with my ex fiance is something that only happens once in a blue moon. What do you guys think?
laRubiaBonita Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 there's nothing that really pops out for me. Thinking about it, though, maybe there doesn't need to be? Maybe everything i've listed is more than what most can ask for. Maybe the type of connection that I had with my ex fiance is something that only happens once in a blue moon. What do you guys think? my thoughts are this... i am glad things went well and you have learned that ideals are nice, but so is just testing the waters to see if there was something out there you didn't even know existed to like. but comparing two people and one relationship to another will never get you anywhere. of course this new connection isn't what you had with the ex- nothing will ever compare to that, unless it surpasses it. it's not a very fair curve to grade by. i also think people tend to not recognize when good things are all around them because maybe the good things are cast in different light than they are used to seeing- like they get conditioned to seeing only certain qualities and cannot recognize that there are equally good (or bad) qualities that they have never placed importance on.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 he told me a few times throughout the night that he thought I was absolutely beautiful. I caught him staring at me a few times, and he would always apologize. I found it very endearing! What do you guys think? I think he isn't very far off! But we get to see the soft-seeming persona suggested by both your profile pictures and your words here, and get a strong dose of your personal depth in the bargain. I'm guessing that what is most apparent from what you describe is that yes, you really ARE ready to date again. (and it's just showing) The particulars of the individual are somewhat secondary to your showing tendencies and urges to get out there and experience people.
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