EricaH329 Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 After much thought, i've decided that i'm ready to date again I have very few preferences. I don't like dating anyone younger than I am (i'm 23), anyone that's in the military (too much for me right now), and anyone who does drugs (deal breaker). That being said, there's a guy who wants to date me, who is younger than I am and is also enlisted in the military. I'm extremely hesitant, and i've made this known. However, neither of those are a deal breaker for me. But, since i'm just now ready to begin dating, I feel as though maybe my preferences should be first and foremost? Given my situation, would you date someone who doesn't quite meet your preferences? I really don't mean to sound shallow, but i'm very hesitant about dating certain people because of my past experiences. Side note: So far, this particular guy seems to be really cool. I don't know him very well yet, but from what I do know I get along with him really well. What would you do?
xpaperxcutx Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 E, your criterias doesn't make you shallow, it just reflects that you're ready to walk down the ( military) path you had with your ex. That said, it really all comes to how much you want to date this guy. If, as you've said, most of this guy's points aren't entirely deal breakers, wouldn't that at least gaurantee that you're at least " willing" to date him?
xpaperxcutx Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 It really comes down to how adamant you are about your preferences. Like some women ( who are really shallow about height and looks) they will be more picky to the type of men they date. PS there was a typo on my previous post I meant to write you're NOT ready to walk down the same path.
Author EricaH329 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 E, your criterias doesn't make you shallow, it just reflects that you're ready to walk down the ( military) path you had with your ex. That said, it really all comes to how much you want to date this guy. If, as you've said, most of this guy's points aren't entirely deal breakers, wouldn't that at least gaurantee that you're at least " willing" to date him? It really comes down to how adamant you are about your preferences. Like some women ( who are really shallow about height and looks) they will be more picky to the type of men they date. PS there was a typo on my previous post I meant to write you're NOT ready to walk down the same path. You are very right in saying that i'm willing to date him, regardless of my preferences, since they aren't deal breakers. But since going outside of my preferences have led me astray in the past, i'm very hesitant about pursuing someone who doesn't meet them. However, at the same time, I really don't want to completely push him aside because of that. I try to keep an open mind when it comes to meeting (or dating) anyone. I really don't like holding my past experiences against anyone. That's just not fair. But at the same time, if you get hurt by the same type of person over and over again, you are more than likely not willing to date that same type of person again. If you get what i'm saying. My preferences have nothing to do with height or weight, but I feel as though my preferences are still considered shallow because of the fact that i'm picky about dating certain people, due to a factor that they cannot help (i.e. age).
summerl0vesyou Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 i would personally give it a shot. until he shows any other signs of things you couldnt stand. ive dated outside of my preferences, and sometimes its been a good thing, other times its bad.. my current BF, i wouldnt even have ever met if he didnt list his eyes on match.com as green, i only did a search for blue green and hazel because i really dislike brown eyes...His eyes are actually brown...but he claims they are green sometimes :rolleyes: im so not sure how he thought that...but ive given him a chance despite that, it seems silly but it does prove the point..
tigressA Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I tend to not go outside of my preferences, and that works for me. There are certain characteristics/situations that I know I would not want or be able to abide, so I don't even consider them out of respect for myself and for the guy. I think since you're just getting back into the game and you have a history of things not working out when you go outside your preferences, you should stick to what you prefer, at least for now. If you find that's not working after awhile, then consider branching out again.
Author EricaH329 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 i would personally give it a shot. until he shows any other signs of things you couldnt stand. ive dated outside of my preferences, and sometimes its been a good thing, other times its bad.. my current BF, i wouldnt even have ever met if he didnt list his eyes on match.com as green, i only did a search for blue green and hazel because i really dislike brown eyes...His eyes are actually brown...but he claims they are green sometimes :rolleyes: im so not sure how he thought that...but ive given him a chance despite that, it seems silly but it does prove the point.. I'm glad that everything worked out between you and your boyfriend regardless of your preferences! However, my preferences have to do with maturity and commitment issues. From past experiences, dating a guy younger than I am usually leads no where. And if they are younger than I am, and in the military, it's just another added issue. I'm not entirely sure if this is something I want to pursue. I'm torn.
Author EricaH329 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 I tend to not go outside of my preferences, and that works for me. There are certain characteristics/situations that I know I would not want or be able to abide, so I don't even consider them out of respect for myself and for the guy. I think since you're just getting back into the game and you have a history of things not working out when you go outside your preferences, you should stick to what you prefer, at least for now. If you find that's not working after awhile, then consider branching out again. That's exactly what i'm torn about! Since I am just now ready to begin dating again, I really want to do this the right way. But, at the same time, I really enjoy a person for who they are, as opposed to the standards I have set. From what I hear (met him through a friend), he is a really nice guy (and not the type of 'nice guy' that's constantly being trashed about here on LS) and he is a very respectable guy. From what i've learned about him, so far it's all true. But... there's still this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that i'm going against everything that i've set for myself.
tigressA Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 But... there's still this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that i'm going against everything that i've set for myself. I think for now, you should go with that nagging feeling. Sure, not every younger/military guy is the same--I dated a guy for about six months who was a year and a half younger than me; he was the one who really wanted to commit, and I didn't, that's why we split. But I think if you tried dating this guy, you'd always have that nagging feeling in the back of your mind. Perhaps you'd be wondering if things will turn out the same way they did with the other guys. Even if this guy turned out to be different, it could lead to self-sabotage.
Green Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 My preferences are that a woman be 1) Smart 2) Pretty 3) Kind 4) Have a good sense of humor.... If I some how fell in love with a 1) Stupid 2) Ugly 3) Mean 4) humorless woman I would probably try to use logic to stop liking her. I don't have any criteria like you do though. I have dated women who were OLDER butttt there are certain professions I would not want to date and a girl in the military who could be sent away would NOT be something I would get involved with. I always wondered if the JAG at the bottom of your post had someting to do with teh NAVY JAG... I guess not
Author EricaH329 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 I think for now, you should go with that nagging feeling. Sure, not every younger/military guy is the same--I dated a guy for about six months who was a year and a half younger than me; he was the one who really wanted to commit, and I didn't, that's why we split. But I think if you tried dating this guy, you'd always have that nagging feeling in the back of your mind. Perhaps you'd be wondering if things will turn out the same way they did with the other guys. Even if this guy turned out to be different, it could lead to self-sabotage. You make a very good point. I am probably always going to be skeptical. After talking to a few friends about it, they basically told me to just have fun. Don't take it as something that needs to turn into a serious relationship. Sort of like getting myself back in the game. Aside from his age, the military thing is pretty big for me. I'm not sure i'll ever be able to have a serious relationship with a guy who is actively in the military. He is aware of this, and still wants to hang out.
sagetalk Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Having preferences makes you deep, not shallow. Having no preference makes one shallow. Only having unreasonable demands is shallow. Why apologize or feel bad about what you want? I'm not ashamed of what I want: 1. Single never married 2. No kids 3. Loves working out/fitness 4. Has Christian religious values 5. Moderate to conservative political beliefs If a girl falls outside of that, she's not datable to me. It doesn't mean she's a bad person, she's just not right for me. Get the person you want, you're the one who has to live with them not those losers who call you shallow.
TouchedByViolet Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I wouldn't worry about him being a little younger or being in the military. Unless like Green said he has to leave for an extended period of time. Whatever you do with this guy sounds like you should take it slow. Go on a date and see how it feels.
tigressA Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 You make a very good point. I am probably always going to be skeptical. After talking to a few friends about it, they basically told me to just have fun. Don't take it as something that needs to turn into a serious relationship. Sort of like getting myself back in the game. Aside from his age, the military thing is pretty big for me. I'm not sure i'll ever be able to have a serious relationship with a guy who is actively in the military. He is aware of this, and still wants to hang out. Hmm...if he's aware of that fact and still wants to hang out...usually I'd say "Go for it, have some fun." But what really matters isn't that he's aware of what you want/don't want. If he wants something more than what you do, fundamentally it cannot work, and it would be wrong to get involved with him if you were aware of this. Do you know if he's looking for a serious relationship? If he is, don't get involved. It will only turn into a mess.
Author EricaH329 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 My preferences are that a woman be 1) Smart 2) Pretty 3) Kind 4) Have a good sense of humor.... If I some how fell in love with a 1) Stupid 2) Ugly 3) Mean 4) humorless woman I would probably try to use logic to stop liking her. I don't have any criteria like you do though. I have dated women who were OLDER butttt there are certain professions I would not want to date and a girl in the military who could be sent away would NOT be something I would get involved with. Well, the thing about age is that since i'm only 23, dating someone younger than I am most likely means a huge difference in maturity level. That's not always the case, but in my experience it's been that way. Also, i've dated 3 or 4 guys that were in the military (my ex fiance being one), and none of them worked out due to the fact that they were constantly away (that being the most obvious issue). It's not easy. Both people have to have complete trust in one another, and the communication styles have to be very similar or it just leads to misunderstandings and arguments. Not something I want to do again. I always wondered if the JAG at the bottom of your post had someting to do with teh NAVY JAG... I guess not That's funny, I never thought of that... I was in the Navy for a little while though, but that's not what it's for.
Author EricaH329 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 Having preferences makes you deep, not shallow. Having no preference makes one shallow. Only having unreasonable demands is shallow. Why apologize or feel bad about what you want? I'm not ashamed of what I want: 1. Single never married 2. No kids 3. Loves working out/fitness 4. Has Christian religious values 5. Moderate to conservative political beliefs If a girl falls outside of that, she's not datable to me. It doesn't mean she's a bad person, she's just not right for me. Get the person you want, you're the one who has to live with them not those losers who call you shallow. You're right. I shouldn't feel bad about my preferences. I just feel terrible for having them, because they have absolutely nothing to do with the person, but more to do with my past experiences. It's almost as though i'm holding what happened to me in the past against anyone else who comes into my life. I really don't want it to be like that. I just can't help it, ya know? Hmm...if he's aware of that fact and still wants to hang out...usually I'd say "Go for it, have some fun." But what really matters isn't that he's aware of what you want/don't want. If he wants something more than what you do, fundamentally it cannot work, and it would be wrong to get involved with him if you were aware of this. Do you know if he's looking for a serious relationship? If he is, don't get involved. It will only turn into a mess. We haven't actually discussed that yet. The minute he told me he is waiting to go to bootcamp, was when I told him that i'm not into dating guys in the military. I'd assume that if he is looking for a serious relationship, he would have written me off then.
tigressA Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 We haven't actually discussed that yet. The minute he told me he is waiting to go to bootcamp, was when I told him that i'm not into dating guys in the military. I'd assume that if he is looking for a serious relationship, he would have written me off then. Don't assume stuff like that. Never assume. In my experience, when I've stated preferences like that, most guys have merely just gotten it into their heads that they can change my mind. You need to find out by talking to him. There's really no other way around it.
Author EricaH329 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 Don't assume stuff like that. Never assume. In my experience, when I've stated preferences like that, most guys have merely just gotten it into their heads that they can change my mind. You need to find out by talking to him. There's really no other way around it. You're right. Him and I are going to have to have that conversation. When him and I talk later i'll bring it up. It really is a shame, he seems like a great guy.
tigressA Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 You're right. Him and I are going to have to have that conversation. When him and I talk later i'll bring it up. It really is a shame, he seems like a great guy. Okay, good. And there's no shame. Since he's so great he'll have no trouble eventually finding someone who wants the same thing he does. And neither will you.
Els Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I honestly don't think there's a huge divide between 'preference' and 'necessity'. Rather, I think of 'preference' as a wide scale - some preferences may be minor, some major, some in between. Thus, it depends on where on the scale the 'preference' that isn't fulfilled lies.
Engadget Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Yes, I'm not that snobbish. I wouldn't date girls with kids, but if one came along that was perfect for me I just might. I don't have many preferences/requirements. People here confuse me with their laundry list of absolute no's.
Engadget Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I just can't imagine having strict criteria like some people do, it's totally foreign to me. It all comes down to personality and a connection, although I guess some measure of intelligence has to happen. But people who say "They need to like A, not B. They have to be X tall, they have to have Y hair color, have to be between 25-30, etc" to me is just baffling. To me it's about the connection, not much else. If I connect with an overweight 40 year old, or a skinny 18 year old it doesn't matter.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Yes I'd go out of my comfort zone but absolutely no female jar heads. Actualy I have a pretty long s$i+ list of not interesteds. But you can classify me as a liberal atheist who despises tatoos, religion, authoritarianism, anything right of center. Gung ho, no!
Morals Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I just can't imagine having strict criteria like some people do, it's totally foreign to me. It all comes down to personality and a connection, although I guess some measure of intelligence has to happen. But people who say "They need to like A, not B. They have to be X tall, they have to have Y hair color, have to be between 25-30, etc" to me is just baffling. To me it's about the connection, not much else. If I connect with an overweight 40 year old, or a skinny 18 year old it doesn't matter. I wouldn't put it like that. For me a "standard" would be someone who doesn't go out drinking often. I'm 26, I've never liked the whole "beer pong" crowd. You want to throw a party? Alright. Want to have loud music? Alright. Want to do fun things, maybe play cards or something? Alright. Beer Pong? No thanks. I've just found that certain activites that people partake in on a regular basis shows their behavior. Smoking illegal substances, going out to bars 4/7 days a week, playing beer pong. All these are red flags in my book. Huge ones. Illegal substances is a dealbreaker for me. Bars, depends on how much and how often. Playing beer pong, as silly as it sounds is a deal breaker. It's one thing to drink socially while talking and end up drinking too much, It's quite another to purposefully play drinking games in an effort to GET drunk. Getting drunk, as an achievment for the evening, is a sign of immaturity IMHO. Those are my "standards/preferences". Some are flexible. Others not so much.
ADF Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Not wanting to date a drug dealer isn't what I'd call a "preference." It's more what I'd call a standard. And it's a good one. The word "preference" is a mild one. Preferring one thing doesn't imply rejecting all alternatives. I might prefer potatoes, but I'll eat rice if none are available. If you really like this young man--and it sounds like you do--go outside your preferences. Don't miss out on what could be a good relationship because of general concerns that might not even apply here.
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