Persons in the existing (believed) deteriorating relationship

[stoploss11]

How many can speak from the experience of those in the relationship they are not happy in and seeked out the OM or OW? Or whether it just happened, do you ever truly have the feelings for that other person or is it always just filling a void?

[MizFit]

How many can speak from the experience of those in the relationship they are not happy in and seeked out the OM or OW? Or whether it just happened, do you ever truly have the feelings for that other person or is it always just filling a void?

 

 

I can't speak directly for him, but my exH was probably someone who did. There were circumstances that came up...an issue with him, a reaction from me, escalation...it all ended up in leaving us in a vulnerable marriage. He had an addiction and I think his perception was I was abandoning him...I wasn't, but it was his perception. I don't know if that really counts, but I truly think that's what happened and he wasn't secure or happy in the relationship and took the easy way out.

[Masoshi]

I never sought out the OM (now I will call him MM because I am separated and he is still M), and he didn't look for me either. I think you can deny chemistry if you are strong enough, and happy enough in your current relationship, but it will still be there, whether you act on it (or let it be acted on) or not. I think some people just click, even when they are not looking for anything more. From my own personal experience, I was not happy in my M, neither was MM. That isn't to say I wanted to look elsewhere, at the time, what I wanted, was an improvement in my marriage. Instead MM and I found each other, unintentionally.

 

I believe that there are MM and MW who look for APs, and will be happy enough with a willing participant, because that person fills a void, even if the sparks aren't flying. But probably, they will get bored soon enough and move on, to another AP? Maybe. My MM never just filled a void, I mean, he did fill a void I had in my M but it was so much more than that, it IS so much more than that. I know that I couldn't have let myself get involved in a relationship outside my M for someone who just filled a void, but that is just me. And it's not like I believe myself to be so honourable (yeah right), it is just something I know I wouldn't have been capable of.

 

I love MM more than I ever loved my H. It is scary to say it and admit it to myself, but it is the truth. MM made me a better person: I started working out, thinking differently, cutting negatives out of my life, wanting more out of life..it sounds very hokey, but it is true. So for me, yes, I truly have the feelings for this other person and regardless of what happens in the future with our relationship, I know that while I am not proud about the infidelity, and the guilt will always haunt me, the love I gave and received has surpassed anything I've ever experienced.

[Ellin]

I'm not in this situation but I thought I'd reply anyway.

 

I was married to an abusive man and went through a rollercoaster of emotions. For a long time I felt unhappy but didn't look for someone else when I was married. I tried to divorce him at some point and was separated from him when the divorce proceedings were ongoing for more than a year. During that time I had a relationship with someone else, but eventually I ended up back with the H and did not finalise the D the first time.

 

A few years later I did divorce him. I had been feeling for quite a while that there was no love for him in my heart and I started to long for having these feelings again. Then I knew that there was no point staying with him and I needed to find someone else.

 

I was not tied to him financially or in any similar way and I didn't want to live in an emotional mess so I had no other relationship until we were properly D.

 

I wonder what I would have done if I found myself in this loveless trap but unable to get a D for some reason. Can't imagine that really.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I never really had much of a problem with my primary relationships, so there was none of the "my relationship sucks" sort of thing. While I was fond of a few of the people I was involved with, ultimately it wasn't a selfless sort of thing. It was to fill a need from within, rather that from without.

[Circular]

My M had it's bumps and rough patches like I expect every relationship has and I wasn't looking for something. For me I met someone I had a lot of chemistry with and became friends and that friendship continued to grow and expand over a few years. The chemistry was always there it never left and that just pulled us closer and closer together especially after we discovered how much we had in common across the board.

 

Like you see a lot on this board suddenly your in it before you realize it. We just wanted to be around each other as much as possible and things escalated from there. It was really the first experience in my life that a relationship evolved this way, quite unexpectedly and I felt a depth of connectedness that I didn't know existed.

 

My feelings for my xMW were and are very real. I can say also that yes it filled a void as well but that was the hook what transpired past that point was a deep love and affection.

[fooled once]

I wasn't married when I was involved in an A.

 

I can't speak for him, as I truly believe no person can speak for the other person. Only the cheater knows why they cheated.

[jj33]

Stop I cant speak from experience as I was the OW, but in many cases the two are not mutually exclusive.

 

If someone is filling a void in a marriage and its not simply a sexual void, then its likely that the MP has some feelings that in some cases rise to love, for the AP.

 

However there is no logical progression there. There are many cases in which the MP loves the AP but that doesnt mean the MP is going to leave their marriage. That is the myth that gets many APs. They assume that because the MP loves them, that eventually they will leave. Not so. Sometimes but not typically the case.