Where do I go from here??

[azsunshine]

I find myself feeling so low today, still trying to come to terms with my emotions and make a very difficult decision in my life. I am new here to post in hopes that I can find someone who may have been through what I am going through, or just perhaps to hear something that might ease the pain I feel in my heart. I will apologize in advance that this might be a long post. For those willing to read it, I thank you in advance.

 

It has been 6 years since I met a gorgeous, charming man that I will refer to as "C". Little did I know meeting him would turn my world upside down. We had an instant connection when we met. It was like nothing I had ever felt before, nor have I felt again since.

 

C lived in another state and was visiting family the day we met. I felt a strong connection to him and feeling bold, I ended up giving him my number. He called. We talked on and off and learned a lot about each other. We had a lot in common and I felt that he had a lot of qualities that I normally looked for in someone. Several months after our initial meeting, I began a relationship with someone that would continue for several years.

 

I made it clear to C that I was currently with someone but we continued our friendship. He also advised that he was with someone as well. We were always honest with each other in the fact that we were with other people, just not with our significant others. I justified it to myself because I had never been intimate with C. I felt I had no real reason to hurt my current BF when C and I were friends that had met prior to my current relationship. C and I talked about many things from college experiences, goals, our current relationships, etc. There was nothing inappropriate at that point other then the fact that I always knew in my heart the connection/attraction between us was strong.

 

We have not seen each other since only corresponded through text, email and on the phone. It has not been a continual daily communication but more where I would go weeks, sometimes months without hearing from C or even reaching out to him myself. Each time we did reconnect, the butterflies were always there. We eventually began to talk about my current relationship and I advised of the things I wasn't most happy with. I was lonely and no longer felt fulfilled yet my situation was complicated and kept me there. I am certain C told me about his situation, but memory doesn't recall the specifics.

 

I'd like to add that C has tried to "meet" with me over the years but guilt always kept me from going through with it. I just didn't trust myself and knew that I could never bare the pain of cheating. My relationship of 5 years eventually ended and I found myself single again. It just so happened to be the one who really had my heart made an entrance into my life once again. This time things were a little different though. C had changed his number and began emailing me through an email address he never had before. He now had excuses as to why he couldn't call and began disappearing at the same times each night.

 

I would say red flags were there, yet I still was never fully prepared for what was to come. Since it had been months since we had last connected, I asked him what his current situation was he said there was a woman that he was with on and off. He said he wanted me to come see him and spend some time in his city. I made it clear that if I were to come there he would need to be single as I don't want to be involved in that kind of drama. He said that was fair and that he would not be with her when I came out there. I laughed about that knowing people can tell you anything you want to hear just so they can get what they want. I have always had pride in the fact that I am not naive. Or so I thought..

 

So plans were made for me to spend a few days in his city. I was excited about the possibility and to see what true chemistry we might have between us. We began emailing more frequently and he began to tell me how much he has thought about the day we met and the experience we have had over the last almost 6 years. He said he is very attracted to me and made it clear he wanted to see where things could go between us. Without all the details, our communication became sexual.

 

I felt that there had always been such an intense attraction and felt as though the things we talked about were inevitable. I was so happy, so elated at the possibility of seeing him again. I felt like for once I was being honest with myself and would be taking a chance on someone I had felt so much for after all of these years. In my moments of true excitement came the day that changed my life..I discovered that he was MARRIED. It has been almost 2 months since I have found out he is actually married. He never told me he that his on and off again girlfriend actually became his wife.

 

Since finding out, I have had many opportunities to confront him about this, yet I have not been able to bring myself to do so. Call me selfish, stupid..there are many things you might be able to say. I kept telling myself maybe it wasn't true, maybe they were separated, divorced...I feel so sad that someone I connected with and trusted forgot to mention this very important detail. I wondered why if this was just a sexual temptation on his end would he keep in contact for almost 6 years?? I wanted to believe that I meant something to him. Why could he not just tell me when he had made the decision to marry her almost 3 years ago? Why did he just not let me go??

 

I went through a few days of being so sick to my stomach by the realization of the situation in front of me. Then something even surprised me.. I kept justifying it. I told myself I couldn't confront him until I knew for sure. I continued emailing him without telling him what I knew. So even today, I feel a lot of guilt for the conversations that we had recently engaged in and the fact that I have a flight booked to see him the end of next month. I want to say I am done and will just walk away but I can't. I am being honest in saying that I have feelings for him and think about him all the time.

 

I have never been in a situation like this before ever!! I do realize that he is married and I will never have him. I do know if I go there I will just be the other woman to him. He won't leave her for me and even if he did, he would do the same to me in time. I know that I will get my heart broken more then it already is at this moment in time. What makes it so hard is that I know I will never have true closure unless I can confront him face-to-face. Some have told me that I need to go and do what I have thought about all of these years instead of always wondering what could have been.. they think this is the only way I will move on. Some even think if I go there he might decide to tell me the truth. I am just not so sure..

 

I'm not sure why I am posting here whether it is to just write my feelings out in hopes that they give me clarity or to hear from others what my heart already knows but my mind won't accept. I have tried to tell myself I need to walk away and end it all. I now truly believe emotional affairs are just as devastating as a physical one. Regardless of what is said, I know that I cannot take back my mistakes to this point. I cannot turn back time.

 

I am mad at myself for not seeing the truth, for not asking more questions. I am just so amazed that people can tell such lies and feel OK about it. Someone that once made me feel so happy has now made me feel so deceived. I am now sitting here today wondering where do I go from here?? I welcome your advice. I am sure I will get a lot of insults as well which I may even deserve. I am trying to take this as a harsh learning experience and heal the hurt that I feel.

Edited June 12, 2010 by azsunshine

[bananalaffytaffy]

I'm really sorry for this. You invested your heart into this man, to find out he is not the man you thought he was. He's a dishonest, selfish man, more interested in keeping you on the sidelines to boost his ego, than he is in you and your feelings.

Bottom line, he lied to you. Why would you want to waste any more time on a liar?

Cut off contact. Get on with your life. You can find a nice single man in your area, not a married one who lives far away.

[cavedweller]

I hope you have dumped him and moved on with your life.

[everlastingsweets]

AZ,

I'm new here too, and I know your pain. I have no advice to give you as I'm still coping too. I go to sleep each night dreading that I have to wake up again and go through the pain all over again.

I know this is a lesson to be learned, a very painful one. Please know you're not alone. We will get through this, but it's going to be a rough road.

[cavedweller]

AZ,

 

Don't waste anymore of your time with him..e-mail him, one last time, and wish he and his wife happiness in their marriage...After that last e-mail you need to begin 100% NC with the liar.

[MyFavouriteMistake]

Cavedweller, you speak alot of sense, and what you are saying is so right....I just wish it was as easy to do as you make it sound.

[Circular]

There's what you should do and dealing with what your feeling. Firstly, the reality is that he lied to you, wasn't up front about his situation and misled you to get what he wanted. That's extremely selfish and hurtful to everyone, not only did he willingly go into an affair, he kept it from you so you'd be 'in it' when you're already compromised by your emotions - that's an F'd thing to do. What you should do is walk away as Cavedweller says, go no contact and move on - you deserve to be treated better. That path head is only going to make you miserable (well, it already has) and keep you there.

 

Second, I want to say I feel your pain on the chemistry side. I'd say a lot of us that have been in As fell into them because of the chemistry piece. Myself, I wasn't looking for an A and if I hadn't been overcome by such an incredible chemistry with my xAP - I mean I managed most of my life without ever having that really deep chemistry connection. I had it once when I was a teenager, but I thought it was just an anomaly, 30 years later... it happened again. Only if you experience it do you really know what I'm talking about... its undeniable. I thought it would go away - especially after she left overseas for a period of years. I mean, come on its only an emotional thing - I'll forget about it right? Hell no, when she came back and we bumped into each other again it was there all over again and this time because we were going to be working together on a big project, well, it became unavoidable.

 

I bring the second part up because I think it's something you need to grieve on its own, decouple it from the MM. Realize that you got to experience that unique piece, that you have to let it go - that it can happen again. See him for the personality he is, without the chemistry piece. Realize that he betrayed two people, you and his wife.

[azsunshine]

Circular, you are 100% correct! I agree with all that you said. It takes a lot to step back and evaluate a situation when it brings so much heartache. I am truly sorry for your pain as well. I think some people out there long for that true, magnetic connection with someone.. some find it, some never do. Some find it in unlikely circumstances, even at the wrong time in life.

 

Letting go is hard.. each day gets just a little easier. I am trying NC and hoping time will heal.. something like this really betrays your trust. My heart goes out to those who have been devastated by an A in some way or another. Being in my situation, I now see both sides. I feel for those who have been cheated on as well as those who have fallen victim to the overpowering emotions/connections that have taken them over. It is truly something that changes you good or bad, I think that we can all agree that the devastation is real.

 

I feel so grateful to know that I am not alone! I appreciate the comments of all. It really helps a lot..thank you!!

[azsunshine]

everlastingsweets, I am sorry for your heartache! I feel thankful that I did not allow the relationship to go any further as I know I would have been that much more devastated. It still hurts..

 

I appreciate your comment. I wish you the very best and hope that you too can pick yourself up from this and move on a better person for going through this difficult experience. There is always a reason for everything. Sometimes we cannot understand what that reason is until much further down the road. Through the tears, you will find strength! Don't ever give up hope for true happiness with someone who deserves you and is freely able to commit to you.

[azsunshine]

cavedweller, you speak the truth and I appreciate it. I have wanted to call him out on his lies, I just haven't found the strength..yet. I know that this is a no-win situation, I just keep trying to get my heart to accept what I know in my mind to be the reality.

 

I am taking each day to fill my life with more positive things in hopes of forgetting him. I know many out there have cut off all contact and have been successful in moving forward without looking back. I admire that and hope to be able to report soon that I have done the same.. thanks again for your comment!