deadline

[BB07]

I updated the update thread... but this week is almost over... and a decision is reached... I don`t want to say... ME... because that is not how I see it, but the decision was to end his marriage. I am buckling up for the ride... I waited in a long line up to get on this roller coaster...

 

I am optimistically apprehensive... or apprehensively optimististic... depending on all sorts of things. MM is being an amazing man. Being the best father, WS, and AP that he can be during this time.

 

We shall see how this plays out... I hate roller coasters... but its a new one... and a new journey...

 

Sigh... I love MM.

 

 

You are gonna need that buckle...... and get out your boots and other protective gear too. There are going to be times when you are going to say.........WTH have I done!

 

Good Luck!

[GreenEyedLady]

I just wanted to update everyone, beucase i may need allot of support in the coming weeks from LS.

 

I was away with mutual friends last week, and my MM missed me so much, he texted all the time (ALLOT more than usual) and couldn`t stop telling me how much he wants to be with me - forever. As I was unable to openly communicate with him, I had a moment where I was able to call him, and I said, "Hey baby, I only have a minute or two, but I wanted to call and tell you that I miss you too". He said: "I miss you so much, I don`t want a minute or two, can`t you find some time to call me where we can actually talk".

 

HUHMMM... I don`t know how many nights and weekends I have spent, waiting to have a 1 minute phone call ... interesting how tables turned for one week.

 

His forever talk really felt empty to me for the first time... he can say it all he wants, but even 2 weeks ago, she asked for sep, and he got scared. Forever means I have a ring on my finger, not spending my weekends alone,

 

Last week there was a music thread and there was a song posted "stay" by sugarland. In the end of the song, she finds the strength to say she will not wait anymore. WHile I was away, I think thru that song, I decided that.

 

If you have been following my story, my MM is at a crossroads where its either fix it now - without me in the picture, or leave. He doesn`t have allot of time left. When I returned, I sent him that song, and said, I am tired of waiting... He asked how long I would wait for, and I said a few days max. So, the deadline is Tuesday.

 

Look, MM will say WHATEVER they think you want to hear to keep you with them without committing. I have a lot of experience with this.

 

He wants you calling and texting him all the time so he knows you are not with another man. He wants to know that you will wait patiently for him while he pretends to consider leaving.

 

I think your deadline would normally be unrealistic, but he isn't going anywhere no matter how much noise he makes about it.

 

Take a stand and show him who's really boss.

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

I updated the update thread... but this week is almost over... and a decision is reached... I don`t want to say... ME... because that is not how I see it, but the decision was to end his marriage. I am buckling up for the ride... I waited in a long line up to get on this roller coaster...

 

I am optimistically apprehensive... or apprehensively optimististic... depending on all sorts of things. MM is being an amazing man. Being the best father, WS, and AP that he can be during this time.

 

We shall see how this plays out... I hate roller coasters... but its a new one... and a new journey...

 

Sigh... I love MM.

 

I just saw this.

 

And I hate to be...pessimistic but I wouldn't believe anything from this man that you can't verify. IMO he's gonna be a waffler.

 

You will definitely need to fasten your seatbelt. And have your barf bag available.

 

GEL

[2sunny]

what has been done to show PROOF that his marriage is over. has MM filed for divorce, moved out etc?

[White Flower]

I updated the update thread... but this week is almost over... and a decision is reached... I don`t want to say... ME... because that is not how I see it, but the decision was to end his marriage. I am buckling up for the ride... I waited in a long line up to get on this roller coaster...

 

I am optimistically apprehensive... or apprehensively optimististic... depending on all sorts of things. MM is being an amazing man. Being the best father, WS, and AP that he can be during this time.

 

We shall see how this plays out... I hate roller coasters... but its a new one... and a new journey...

 

Sigh... I love MM.

Hope it all ends well. Keep posting for support either way, ok?

[silverplanets]

I just wanted to update everyone, beucase i may need allot of support in the coming weeks from LS.

 

I was away with mutual friends last week, and my MM missed me so much, he texted all the time (ALLOT more than usual) and couldn`t stop telling me how much he wants to be with me - forever. As I was unable to openly communicate with him, I had a moment where I was able to call him, and I said, "Hey baby, I only have a minute or two, but I wanted to call and tell you that I miss you too". He said: "I miss you so much, I don`t want a minute or two, can`t you find some time to call me where we can actually talk".

 

HUHMMM... I don`t know how many nights and weekends I have spent, waiting to have a 1 minute phone call ... interesting how tables turned for one week.

 

His forever talk really felt empty to me for the first time... he can say it all he wants, but even 2 weeks ago, she asked for sep, and he got scared. Forever means I have a ring on my finger, not spending my weekends alone,

 

Last week there was a music thread and there was a song posted "stay" by sugarland. In the end of the song, she finds the strength to say she will not wait anymore. WHile I was away, I think thru that song, I decided that.

 

If you have been following my story, my MM is at a crossroads where its either fix it now - without me in the picture, or leave. He doesn`t have allot of time left. When I returned, I sent him that song, and said, I am tired of waiting... He asked how long I would wait for, and I said a few days max. So, the deadline is Tuesday.

 

He has been waiting for a change in his W as to how she relates to his "condition". He has been instructed by MC to wait for a conversation in that regard, so he doesn`t know yet if she understands. If she does, he will go with her and work to rebuild their M - whatever that looks like and I have made it clear that I will not wait and see...Its me or her, and whatever the decison its 100% _ any waivering, I walk.

 

So... although it hasn`t occurred yet, I just know much LS has helped me to understand this mess. What he is going through, what his next moves look like, etc. What I need to do to get my strength back. It means allot to me to have everyone here.

 

Loved the line bolded above ....

 

You've set the rules for the next bit so good on you I guess the hard part is going to be following through if he falls short or living with the "extending deadline" ... eg he leaves but the leaving is part of the "MC" .. so now you are seeing progress but he's s

 

till "working on his M" ...

 

Days, go to months, go to years etc .... and you never truly "have" him ...

 

I'm with you and hope it works out ok but don't forget ... divorce is demonstratable .. if involves serving a document ..

 

If they get sep accomodation, he starts to see you and eventually decides to go back to her .. then would you regard that as a good use of your time???

 

Not on your case, just encouraging you to think about looking after yourself ...

[lilagirl]

I just saw this.

 

And I hate to be...pessimistic but I wouldn't believe anything from this man that you can't verify. IMO he's gonna be a waffler.

 

You will definitely need to fasten your seatbelt. And have your barf bag available.

 

GEL

 

what has been done to show PROOF that his marriage is over. has MM filed for divorce, moved out etc?

 

He hasn`t left the house yet. As I have said in other threads, there is allot of hatred in their home. He is trying to leave peacefully. He is making arrangements this week to have somewhere to stay next week.

 

The PROOF I have is in his love for me. He has been amazing, making sure I feel comfortable during this transition. He has shared all her written and electronic communciations with me... getting my input on how to handle it and how to respond so I feel okay with his process.

 

She is trying really hard to fix things. Doing things to accomidate his condition, where before she would abuse him with it, and make him feel less than a man.

 

I have been his number one supporter in all of this.. he has never lied to me, and has always done his best to make me feel as secure as I cld in this situation- this new phase has been no exception.

[jennie-jennie]

Hope it all ends well. Keep posting for support either way, ok?

 

I second this.

 

Lila, we are holding our breath in suspense and hoping for the best.

 

((((Lila)))))

[2sunny]

He hasn`t left the house yet. As I have said in other threads, there is allot of hatred in their home. He is trying to leave peacefully. He is making arrangements this week to have somewhere to stay next week.

 

The PROOF I have is in his love for me. He has been amazing, making sure I feel comfortable during this transition. He has shared all her written and electronic communciations with me... getting my input on how to handle it and how to respond so I feel okay with his process.

 

She is trying really hard to fix things. Doing things to accomidate his condition, where before she would abuse him with it, and make him feel less than a man.

 

I have been his number one supporter in all of this.. he has never lied to me, and has always done his best to make me feel as secure as I cld in this situation- this new phase has been no exception.

 

so he still hasn't actually DONE anything to get out. it's all words.

 

also - he forwards communications he WANTS you to see. i wouldn't assume it's ALL their communication.

 

she's being nice now - more reason for him to keep trying with her. especially if she's being nice like he has always wanted from her. i bet they are now having sex too... as most wives willing to turn from mean to nice also pull out all the stops in the bedroom to make him reconsider.

 

just being logical here. looking at it from a non emotional perspective.

 

you could potentially keep waiting for a very long time - as he's banking on your undividing love... which is what he gets. let's see if he moves next week. has he signed a lease? if he's looking - is it month-to-month or a long term lease he's searching for? please tell - it reveals a lot about his intentions.

[GreenEyedLady]

He hasn`t left the house yet. As I have said in other threads, there is allot of hatred in their home. He is trying to leave peacefully. He is making arrangements this week to have somewhere to stay next week.

 

The PROOF I have is in his love for me. He has been amazing, making sure I feel comfortable during this transition. He has shared all her written and electronic communciations with me... getting my input on how to handle it and how to respond so I feel okay with his process.

 

She is trying really hard to fix things. Doing things to accomidate his condition, where before she would abuse him with it, and make him feel less than a man.

 

I have been his number one supporter in all of this.. he has never lied to me, and has always done his best to make me feel as secure as I cld in this situation- this new phase has been no exception.

 

If he hasn't left, what proof is there of his love?

 

I'm telling you from experience: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

 

Don't just believe him because you believe he's telling the truth. If he does leave, you'll find out his lies, eventually.

 

I'm telling you this because I KNOW. People who have affairs are less than honest. They aren't only lying to their spouse, they're lying to you, too. And if he leaves, you'll find that out.

 

In the meantime, watch what he does. Until then, it's still status quo. Fight for what you want on YOUR terms. You're the one who actually states the terms so don't give that up.

 

GEL

[2sunny]

i agree with GEL - actions must equal words - or else it means nothing.

 

you have a deadline of Tuesday - yes? stick with it. if Tuesday passes and your guidelines haven't been met - go absolutely NC with him. otherwise he gets the message that he still has you while he does what he wants/or doesn't want... then he has no motivation at all to make movement.

 

what are your requests from him - be specific.

[fooled once]

He hasn`t left the house yet. As I have said in other threads, there is allot of hatred in their home. He is trying to leave peacefully. He is making arrangements this week to have somewhere to stay next week.

 

The PROOF I have is in his love for me. He has been amazing, making sure I feel comfortable during this transition. He has shared all her written and electronic communciations with me... getting my input on how to handle it and how to respond so I feel okay with his process.

 

She is trying really hard to fix things. Doing things to accomidate his condition, where before she would abuse him with it, and make him feel less than a man.

 

I have been his number one supporter in all of this.. he has never lied to me, and has always done his best to make me feel as secure as I cld in this situation- this new phase has been no exception.

 

RE: the bolded? Are you kidding? You are his mistress, not his wife nor his mom. He can't communicate with the woman he love(d) and married without your INPUT and assistance? Is he not able to do this, yet is this big successful business man?

 

What happened to people handling their OWN affairs (and I don't mean sexual/physical affairs)? Why does he need your input in order to respond to anything? Are you an attorney?

 

So when things fall apart, YOU will be blamed for telling him how to handle it.

 

Seriously, stay out of it. Let him get his divorce or separation without you. If he can't end his marriage without you helping him, that shows ME that YOU are the one pushing for it. Any man worth his salt would SHIELD his lover from this. This is HIS marriage, let HIM handle it. I am just stunned that you are involving yourself so much with his divorce....almost as if you don't trust him to do it so you need to be involved to make sure it gets done

[whichwayisup]

Stop having sex with him. The affair dynamic has to end! To sneak off and have sex during your lunch hour (I'm pretty sure this was you who said that on the f*,k thread by joey in this section) from work.. ALL that has to end. If you continue being SO INVOLVED and having input in HIS marriage, continue the A like it is now, he will never leave. you are enabling him to stay.

 

I could be wrong but it seems like he's telling you one thing and making empty promises to you and then going home and living his life with wife.

 

Actions speak louder than words. You choose to believe him, have no doubts that he's lying to you (not maliciously but selfishly), or omitting/exaggerating things to suit him best, then sadly you're going to be in for a huge shock when things dont' go your way.

 

PUT the wedding plans and the ring on your finger on hold.

[lilagirl]

If he hasn't left, what proof is there of his love?

 

I'm telling you from experience: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

 

Don't just believe him because you believe he's telling the truth. If he does leave, you'll find out his lies, eventually.

 

In the meantime, watch what he does. Until then, it's still status quo. Fight for what you want on YOUR terms. You're the one who actually states the terms so don't give that up.

 

GEL

I can`t explain it... I just know... while at the same time... I am understanding. It is important to both of us that relations with his W are calm and civil. He is doing what he can in order to maintain that.

 

i agree with GEL - actions must equal words - or else it means nothing.

 

you have a deadline of Tuesday - yes? stick with it. if Tuesday passes and your guidelines haven't been met - go absolutely NC with him. otherwise he gets the message that he still has you while he does what he wants/or doesn't want... then he has no motivation at all to make movement.

 

what are your requests from him - be specific.

 

My deadline for him to leave his M was Tuesday. he did that. While I agree that he hasn`t left the house yet, that doesn`t concern me. He has special circumstances surrounding his life, and I need to be understanding, or I couldn`t be in love with him.

 

As long as I continue to see progress, I have no reason for NC. He is making progress, while at the same time, makning a very difficult decision that causes him great pain. There is no need for me to be harsh. I am content as long as progress is being made.

 

Even once he leaves the house, there will still be a great deal of contact with his W. I will not appear in the picture for some time, and with his condition, he will need her in order to see his children.

 

I have waited a long time, and have no intention of moving up the speed of the process. Love me or not, I know how hard this is for him. If it wasn`t hard, he would have left allot sooner.

 

RE: the bolded? Are you kidding? You are his mistress, not his wife nor his mom. He can't communicate with the woman he love(d) and married without your INPUT and assistance? Is he not able to do this, yet is this big successful business man?

 

What happened to people handling their OWN affairs (and I don't mean sexual/physical affairs)? Why does he need your input in order to respond to anything? Are you an attorney?

 

So when things fall apart, YOU will be blamed for telling him how to handle it.

 

Seriously, stay out of it. Let him get his divorce or separation without you. If he can't end his marriage without you helping him, that shows ME that YOU are the one pushing for it. Any man worth his salt would SHIELD his lover from this. This is HIS marriage, let HIM handle it. I am just stunned that you are involving yourself so much with his divorce....almost as if you don't trust him to do it so you need to be involved to make sure it gets done

 

When I separated from my H, i required a great deal of input from MM, my friends and my family. It is a very emotional time. I don`t see this as a concern at all. Yes, its his M, but I have been his best friend for a long long time. I have had intimate details of his M for many years.

 

In addtion, he and I are a partnership. Decisions about our future are being made during this time. Of course he would involve me.

 

I am not sure what is or isn`t there to trust. Its not about trust at all. I am in this with my eyes wide open. I understand that leaving a marriage and years of partnership behind is not easy. While he left, he has the option to go back, and I leave. He is sharing infomration with me so that it helps me feel comfortable during his transition, so I don`t need to wonder what is going on in her head, or his... It is available to me, as his partner. I have not asked for it, nor does he require it in order to discuss anything with her.

 

This is a tough tough time for her, him and the children, and their families. Allot can go very badly, resulting in years of hurt, anger, and affect on the family. He is emotional and they have many many years of anger with each other responding to her hurt with love, and thoughtfulness is what he is desiring, getting his best friends thoughts before he replies on a decsion does not mean he is a weak man, incapable of making decisions.

 

 

PUT the wedding plans and the ring on your finger on hold.

 

LOL. WHAT?!? I had the wedding planner booked for tommorrow! I guess I should cancel.

[lilagirl]

In general, I know I appear naive, too understanding, and too patient with all of this. I appreciate everyones input, I always do.

 

I am in this fully aware of many things. Affairs are devastating. For the BS and the families and for the affair partners as well. I am aware that this is the hardest decision he will ever make. i am aware that he will be overcome with guilt. I am aware that his guilt may overtake him, and he may go back on what he has done. i am aware that there is a possibility he is not everything I believe him to be.

 

I hate waiting. i hate Fridays - the last day I get to see him until Monday (condition inhibits him from weekend, evening visits), I hate going out with friends without him...I could go on forever about why I am not content. All that being said though...

 

The truth is that I have my own sh*t right now. I am helping my children through my own separation. My focus in my life is them, and our family unit. I know first hand how long healthy transitions can be. I have left an abusive relationship, and have done it with kindness and love and very little drama. I want the same for MM.

 

I don`t have room in my life right now for a full time partner... If it takes him a long time to get to a place where he can be my full time partner... I am okay with that. its the way it should be. He needs to have his life worked through, in his head, and physically before he can he whole for me, and the life we dream of starting. Do I NEED to see progress, yes, and I have.

 

I am a kind woman. I have a kind heart... that doesn`t make me naive, or stupid, or blind to my situation. It makes me who I am...

[2sunny]

i'm confused. you keep referring that he left the M. or that it happened last Tuesday. yet you state he's still there. which is it?

 

it looks as though you gave a deadline and nothing changed.

Edited June 19, 2010 by 2sunny