lilagirl Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I just wanted to update everyone, beucase i may need allot of support in the coming weeks from LS. I was away with mutual friends last week, and my MM missed me so much, he texted all the time (ALLOT more than usual) and couldn`t stop telling me how much he wants to be with me - forever. As I was unable to openly communicate with him, I had a moment where I was able to call him, and I said, "Hey baby, I only have a minute or two, but I wanted to call and tell you that I miss you too". He said: "I miss you so much, I don`t want a minute or two, can`t you find some time to call me where we can actually talk". HUHMMM... I don`t know how many nights and weekends I have spent, waiting to have a 1 minute phone call ... interesting how tables turned for one week. His forever talk really felt empty to me for the first time... he can say it all he wants, but even 2 weeks ago, she asked for sep, and he got scared. Forever means I have a ring on my finger, not spending my weekends alone, Last week there was a music thread and there was a song posted "stay" by sugarland. In the end of the song, she finds the strength to say she will not wait anymore. WHile I was away, I think thru that song, I decided that. If you have been following my story, my MM is at a crossroads where its either fix it now - without me in the picture, or leave. He doesn`t have allot of time left. When I returned, I sent him that song, and said, I am tired of waiting... He asked how long I would wait for, and I said a few days max. So, the deadline is Tuesday. He has been waiting for a change in his W as to how she relates to his "condition". He has been instructed by MC to wait for a conversation in that regard, so he doesn`t know yet if she understands. If she does, he will go with her and work to rebuild their M - whatever that looks like and I have made it clear that I will not wait and see...Its me or her, and whatever the decison its 100% _ any waivering, I walk. So... although it hasn`t occurred yet, I just know much LS has helped me to understand this mess. What he is going through, what his next moves look like, etc. What I need to do to get my strength back. It means allot to me to have everyone here.
califnan Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Don't meet with him at all .. I don't believe in deadline dates - because it is impossible to predict anything .. if it happens it happen.. If you find it necessary to ever talk to him again.. Tell him you are too whole, too complete of a woman to put up with any of this .. Then, go NC.
bananalaffytaffy Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Good for you, Lila. Stay strong. Why is he "waiting" for a conversation with his W? Why can't he bring it up himself? It's very weird to me that he is basing their entire marriage on the outcome of one conversation over his condition. I hope it works out for you. Are you ok with his condition? I have to say, I'm really impressed! Most deadlines are weeks, months... Good for you for putting your foot down.
jennie-jennie Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Lila, hope all goes well for you. You know we are here to support you. I am a little confused about the conversation about his condition. Is the MC to have that with the wife? Or is he? And all before Tuesday?
2sunny Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 so essential here is the order: you are waiting on him he is waiting on her she doesn't have any idea that she's supposed to be deciding anything so essentially YOU are waiting on NOTHING. there is no reason to wait. YOU may very well wait forever since you are actually waiting on nothing.
califnan Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 so essential here is the order: you are waiting on him he is waiting on her she doesn't have any idea that she's supposed to be deciding anything so essentially YOU are waiting on NOTHING. there is no reason to wait. YOU may very well wait forever since you are actually waiting on nothing. -------------------- He is waiting for his wife to tee him off enough .. aren't they all..
2sunny Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 -------------------- He is waiting for his wife to tee him off enough .. aren't they all.. meanwhile he's busy trying to make his W happy so she never tees him off.
Author lilagirl Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 Good for you, Lila. Stay strong. Why is he "waiting" for a conversation with his W? Why can't he bring it up himself? It's very weird to me that he is basing their entire marriage on the outcome of one conversation over his condition. I hope it works out for you. Are you ok with his condition? I have to say, I'm really impressed! Most deadlines are weeks, months... Good for you for putting your foot down. Lila, hope all goes well for you. You know we are here to support you. I am a little confused about the conversation about his condition. Is the MC to have that with the wife? Or is he? And all before Tuesday? He has brought the conversation up about his condiion with her numerous times in teh past 5 years. He also brings it up everytime she is disrespectful to him with it. He has always stated that it is the one thing he can`t live without - humanity about what he goes through everyday. Yes, I am comfortable with his condition. To me it makes him - him and I love him for that. Its one of the reasons our EA started was becaue I just care for him in a different way... not in a he is needy kind of way, but to me... common sense things that help him along the way of life to be more comfortable. Yes, it would definaltely make a future different than anything I have ever imagined, but I feel as though we were made for each other. There is a MC session on Tuesday. They have basically aggreed to separate while living in the same house and think about what they will do to change and make the marraige better for both of them. The MC session is the final day for him to see a desire from her to understand his condition more, and provide support in a different way. so essential here is the order: you are waiting on him he is waiting on her she doesn't have any idea that she's supposed to be deciding anything so essentially YOU are waiting on NOTHING. there is no reason to wait. YOU may very well wait forever since you are actually waiting on nothing. She is aware of what she needs to do. She is currently deciding to do nothing. He has always been vocal and honest about what he needs. I spent allot of time prior to falling in love with him, trying to teach him new ways of expresssing this emotion to her, so that she would understand.
D-Lish Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 He has been waiting for a change in his W as to how she relates to his "condition". He has been instructed by MC to wait for a conversation in that regard, so he doesn`t know yet if she understands. If she does, he will go with her and work to rebuild their M Why is that okay with you? It's tantamount to saying, if things don't work out with my first choice- I want to try and make things work with you. Isn't that incredibly degrading? Why any woman would wait around or accept that second place prize boggles my mind. It makes sense that he is going full throttle with you when his wife is asking him to leave- he's on to his fall-back plan. Why would you want to be his fall-back plan? I'm not an angry, anti-OW poster or anything, I have some empathy for some of the OW on here- but I think you are selling yourself short if you know he would willingly choose his wife and cast you aside should she come around.
fooled once Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I just wanted to update everyone, beucase i may need allot of support in the coming weeks from LS. I was away with mutual friends last week, and my MM missed me so much, he texted all the time (ALLOT more than usual) and couldn`t stop telling me how much he wants to be with me - forever. As I was unable to openly communicate with him, I had a moment where I was able to call him, and I said, "Hey baby, I only have a minute or two, but I wanted to call and tell you that I miss you too". He said: "I miss you so much, I don`t want a minute or two, can`t you find some time to call me where we can actually talk". HUHMMM... I don`t know how many nights and weekends I have spent, waiting to have a 1 minute phone call ... interesting how tables turned for one week. His forever talk really felt empty to me for the first time... he can say it all he wants, but even 2 weeks ago, she asked for sep, and he got scared. Forever means I have a ring on my finger, not spending my weekends alone, Last week there was a music thread and there was a song posted "stay" by sugarland. In the end of the song, she finds the strength to say she will not wait anymore. WHile I was away, I think thru that song, I decided that. If you have been following my story, my MM is at a crossroads where its either fix it now - without me in the picture, or leave. He doesn`t have allot of time left. When I returned, I sent him that song, and said, I am tired of waiting... He asked how long I would wait for, and I said a few days max. So, the deadline is Tuesday. He has been waiting for a change in his W as to how she relates to his "condition". He has been instructed by MC to wait for a conversation in that regard, so he doesn`t know yet if she understands. If she does, he will go with her and work to rebuild their M - whatever that looks like and I have made it clear that I will not wait and see...Its me or her, and whatever the decison its 100% _ any waivering, I walk. So... although it hasn`t occurred yet, I just know much LS has helped me to understand this mess. What he is going through, what his next moves look like, etc. What I need to do to get my strength back. It means allot to me to have everyone here. I am so confused. Was the 'condition' known prior to marriage? I ask because I have a "condition" which has come on in the last couple of years. It isn't a debilitating condition to the point where I lie in bed all day or can't work/live, but I doubt those who don't go through what I go through will ever truly understand how hard certain things are for me. My H is extremely sympathetic and does all he can to 'help' me, but unless he lives in my body, he can't and won't understand it. Doesn't mean he doesn't try to get it, but he just can't because he isn't dealing with having it, just living with someone who does. I think you truly do see that he isn't really leaving. I think you are pulling back and realizing that there is no future with him, unless you continue being the mistress/OW. Which, if that is what you want, then continue as things have been. But I see you wanting more, needing more. You are done 'waiting'. He has brought the conversation up about his condiion with her numerous times in teh past 5 years. He also brings it up everytime she is disrespectful to him with it. He has always stated that it is the one thing he can`t live without - humanity about what he goes through everyday. Yes, I am comfortable with his condition. To me it makes him - him and I love him for that. Its one of the reasons our EA started was becaue I just care for him in a different way... not in a he is needy kind of way, but to me... common sense things that help him along the way of life to be more comfortable. Yes, it would definaltely make a future different than anything I have ever imagined, but I feel as though we were made for each other. There is a MC session on Tuesday. They have basically aggreed to separate while living in the same house and think about what they will do to change and make the marraige better for both of them. The MC session is the final day for him to see a desire from her to understand his condition more, and provide support in a different way. She is aware of what she needs to do. She is currently deciding to do nothing. He has always been vocal and honest about what he needs. I spent allot of time prior to falling in love with him, trying to teach him new ways of expresssing this emotion to her, so that she would understand. The quoted is heresay. And vocal and honest? Are you kidding? Has he told her he is having an affair? I guess I am confused as to what SHE is supposed to do about HIS condition? What does he want from her? Why is it okay for her to not do whatever he feels she is to do, yet it is okay for him to have an affair? Bottom line, cheating is not OK because his wife didn't help him deal with his condition (or whatever it is he feels she is supposed to do). Cheating isn't okay period. For him to harbor ill feelings towards her for some supposed slight, yet for him to seek love/sex/acceptance outside the marriage and he things this is 'okay'....what a complete warped sense of thinking. I hope IF you and he get together, you do whatever he requires of you, without question, because it seems if you don't, he will find someone who will.
BB07 Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 There is a MC session on Tuesday. They have basically aggreed to separate while living in the same house and think about what they will do to change and make the marraige better for both of them. The MC session is the final day for him to see a desire from her to understand his condition more, and provide support in a different way. She is aware of what she needs to do. She is currently deciding to do nothing. He has always been vocal and honest about what he needs. I spent allot of time prior to falling in love with him, trying to teach him new ways of expresssing this emotion to her, so that she would understand. Lilagirl....I posted the stay song. and I'm proud of you for telling him that you aren't going to accept less than what you want, but I do have a question for you and maybe I'm misunderstanding the above. Doesn't it bother you that your mm is being such a pansy about not getting his needs met by her? From the sound of it, it seems like this has been a long ongoing situation and things haven't changed after several tries. Is this a quality that you think that you would appreciate down the line? I also find it odd that you would say that you "tried to teach him new ways of expressing emotions to her". The word teach implies all sorts of things that make me go yuck. Of course I may be totally misunderstanding what you've posted here and forgive me if I have.
Author lilagirl Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 Why is that okay with you? It's tantamount to saying, if things don't work out with my first choice- I want to try and make things work with you. Isn't that incredibly degrading? Why any woman would wait around or accept that second place prize boggles my mind. It makes sense that he is going full throttle with you when his wife is asking him to leave- he's on to his fall-back plan. Why would you want to be his fall-back plan? I'm not an angry, anti-OW poster or anything, I have some empathy for some of the OW on here- but I think you are selling yourself short if you know he would willingly choose his wife and cast you aside should she come around. This is okay with me. It has always been the deal. I don`t want to break up a family. I love my MM so much, and I know together we can be happier, stronger, and more content day to day with each other. I KNOW I am better for him. (I am not being rude here). At teh end of the day, I already was 2nd prize - he is married. His struggle is with his desire to be a "good" man. Part of that for him means maybe having a M that doesn`t provide full happieness. he is willing to accept that as long as his needs for his condition are met. I don`t know how to explain it. I guess I can accept it for a few reasons - He and I were made for each other. If he choses that path, he is the one accepting 2nd best. - I am a fun, beautiful, passionate, young woman, and while I love him deeply and have enjoyed my time with him, I am not afraid to be by myself, or to begin dating - He needs to leave his M because he doesn`t see that it can be recovered, not because he loves me more. I will not accept being the reason. I know I am not helping, but I am not the reason.
White Flower Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Why is that okay with you? It's tantamount to saying, if things don't work out with my first choice- I want to try and make things work with you. Isn't that incredibly degrading? Why any woman would wait around or accept that second place prize boggles my mind. It makes sense that he is going full throttle with you when his wife is asking him to leave- he's on to his fall-back plan. Why would you want to be his fall-back plan? I'm not an angry, anti-OW poster or anything, I have some empathy for some of the OW on here- but I think you are selling yourself short if you know he would willingly choose his wife and cast you aside should she come around. I totally get this post and I'm an OW. Lilagirl, you know I've backed you before so I'm always going to be there for you but why are you letting him decide that his future with you is hinging on how she decides she handles his condition? 1. You accept him as he is, she doesn't. 2. He loves you. You love him. 3. He knows you accept him as he is. 4. You did what it took be be free. 5. What is his problem? what is yours? 6. You accept him as he is. Repeat this 10 times. Sorry, you're so close yet so far. This always frustrates me. It's like being in prison and you see the free world through a chain-link fence. Just look at all those cars driving by. You're closer than most and it must be frustrating. Good luck babe. ps Perhaps he should switch from MC to IC. He needs the tools to reorganize his focus and his life it seems.
D-Lish Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 (edited) This is okay with me. It has always been the deal. I don`t want to break up a family. I love my MM so much, and I know together we can be happier, stronger, and more content day to day with each other. I KNOW I am better for him. (I am not being rude here). At teh end of the day, I already was 2nd prize - he is married. His struggle is with his desire to be a "good" man. Part of that for him means maybe having a M that doesn`t provide full happieness. he is willing to accept that as long as his needs for his condition are met. I don`t know how to explain it. I guess I can accept it for a few reasons - He and I were made for each other. If he choses that path, he is the one accepting 2nd best. - I am a fun, beautiful, passionate, young woman, and while I love him deeply and have enjoyed my time with him, I am not afraid to be by myself, or to begin dating - He needs to leave his M because he doesn`t see that it can be recovered, not because he loves me more. I will not accept being the reason. I know I am not helping, but I am not the reason. I guess my struggle with this is that you accept that you are a second prize. You shouldn't be. You should be "thee prize" I guess I am trying to support you from the viewpoint of a fellow woman. It's not my place to judge you- I just want you to see that you deserve to be the first choice. You do, and that's my only real message to you. Regardless of what you think would make him the happiest- he is saying he is going to stay with his wife if she chooses to stay with him. That can't be easy for you to hear, and it shouldn't be easy for you to hear because it's not cool. I understand how much you love him- I just want you as a woman to recognize your value and also know that there would be guys out there that would make you number 1. I hope you don't think I am being an a-hole, I just want you to realize you deserve a really happy relationship. I wish you the best:) Edited June 13, 2010 by D-Lish
Posh Polly Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 His struggle is with his desire to be a "good" man. That boat already sailed. Don't you mean his struggle is to APPEAR as if he is a good man?
2sunny Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 every description of your MM is all about him. how HE is going to get what HE wants - whether it's from his W or from you...notice he's not worried at all about hurting either woman? as always - he's selfish - especially since he never told his W that he's not really in the M since he has the distraction of you. he should tell her he has an OW. IF he were to tell his W the truth - she may actually see him for what he really is. she would have a REAL choice to leave or stay - but he chooses not to be honest with her - therefore i believe he's probably not being totally hnest with you either. YOU need to decide what's best for you - odds are he won't leave her no matter what... are you going to be ok with that? ps - you say you two were made for each other - no, you are wrong. i'm sure he had that same thought about his W when he married her.
jennie-jennie Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Why is that okay with you? It's tantamount to saying, if things don't work out with my first choice- I want to try and make things work with you. Isn't that incredibly degrading? Why any woman would wait around or accept that second place prize boggles my mind. It makes sense that he is going full throttle with you when his wife is asking him to leave- he's on to his fall-back plan. Why would you want to be his fall-back plan? I'm not an angry, anti-OW poster or anything, I have some empathy for some of the OW on here- but I think you are selling yourself short if you know he would willingly choose his wife and cast you aside should she come around. This is not degrading in my opinion. It is not putting Lila as a fall-back plan or in a position of being second prize. The guy is already married. He has a need to feel that he has done all in his power to make his marriage work. If he was single, and he had Lila as a fall-back plan, then I would get what you are saying about second prize D-Lish, but as things stand now with him being married for years, that kind of argumentation does not fly with me. I am certain that if Lila's MM was single, there would be no two ways about it, he would be choosing her. This alone shows that she indeed is first prize.
jthorne Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 (edited) I am certain that if Lila's MM was single, there would be no two ways about it, he would be choosing her. This alone shows that she indeed is first prize.Yeah, this is exactly what xMM said right before I dumped him. As if his empty words were some consolation prize. If Lila was "first prize", MM would be packing his bags, not waiting on his W to decide something she doesn't even know she's supposed to decide. Instead, MM has taken advantage of Lila's kindness and patience for far too long. And I don't say this to insult Lila at all. Again, it all goes back to actions not words. He may say she's first, but his actions don't show it. Edited June 13, 2010 by jthorne
Fieldsofgold Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 His struggle is with his desire to be a "good" man. Part of that for him means maybe having a M that doesn`t provide full happieness. No marriage to ANYONE is going to provide full happiness.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Happiness comes from within. Your responsible for being happy on your own.
Confused4Now Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Happiness comes from within. Your responsible for being happy on your own.Amen to this Chrome....we agree on something again....heeeheee amazing:)
Silly_Girl Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I read a quote the other evening I liked... Something like 'if there's room in your life for a relationship, you shouldn't be IN a relationship'. I like that. My life was like that before I met xMM and I loved every minute of it. Felt centred and fortunate and busy and content, and very single. That's the road I'm heading for!!!
White Flower Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Amen to this Chrome....we agree on something again....heeeheee amazing:) I'll second the motion!
White Flower Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I read a quote the other evening I liked... Something like 'if there's room in your life for a relationship, you shouldn't be IN a relationship'. I like that. My life was like that before I met xMM and I loved every minute of it. Felt centred and fortunate and busy and content, and very single. That's the road I'm heading for!!! There was a thread a while back about this notion. It was pretty much agreed that a partner can embellish your life with happiness, but a partner cannot nor should not be the only source of your happiness.
Author lilagirl Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 I updated the update thread... but this week is almost over... and a decision is reached... I don`t want to say... ME... because that is not how I see it, but the decision was to end his marriage. I am buckling up for the ride... I waited in a long line up to get on this roller coaster... I am optimistically apprehensive... or apprehensively optimististic... depending on all sorts of things. MM is being an amazing man. Being the best father, WS, and AP that he can be during this time. We shall see how this plays out... I hate roller coasters... but its a new one... and a new journey... Sigh... I love MM.
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