Mac91 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 There is this girl that I like, but I don't wanna be in the "friendzone". I've only known her about a month, but really only started talking with her on a regular basis a few days ago (when i got her contact info). She talks to me, texts me, and I do the same. She's already technically rejected me twice, indirectly. 1. The first time she was tired because she had an event to do the day before. Which I kinda suspected and should have not asked her. 2. The second time I asked if she was "busy" tomorrow night, she replied saying that her cottage was finished renovating and that she was going to go this weekend cause she had sunday off(she did look disappointed though). Right as I get home, and log onto MSN messenger she starts asking me about how work was, blah blah blah... and that when she got home, her parents left without her. As a result, she won't be going to the cottage and she told me her friend asked her to watch a movie. Both times I've asked her out inperson. Both times she had a 'valid' excuse. Perhaps I should be more straight forward? Instead of saying "are you busy" I should say "do you want to go to dinner?". Anyways, in regards to the 2nd time asking her out. When she told me that she wasn't going to the cottage, should I have asked her out again? Was she waiting for me to ask her out? I don't think so? So it leads me to my question. Have I already become friendzoned? If not, how do I stay away from it? I've already put forth all the initiative, I don't think I'm gonna try much anymore. Let her put some effort, if she's interested anyways.
skydiveaddict Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 usually a girl will tell you straight up that she just wants friendship. i think you still have a shot. Remember girls like to be chased. I think that is what's going on w/your situation
somedude81 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Perhaps I should be more straight forward? Instead of saying "are you busy" I should say "do you want to go to dinner?". There's your answer. Just don't ask her to dinner. Go to a beach, park, bowling, pool, mini golf. No dinner and/or movie as a first date. I don't think you are in the friendzone yet but you need to do something. If she rejects you and gives you a "we can still be friends" line, and you accepted, then that is a guaranteed friendzone.
Author Mac91 Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 There's your answer. Just don't ask her to dinner. Go to a beach, park, bowling, pool, mini golf. No dinner and/or movie as a first date. I don't think you are in the friendzone yet but you need to do something. If she rejects you and gives you a "we can still be friends" line, and you accepted, then that is a guaranteed friendzone. Interesting. No dinner, but I'm hungry lol She's definitely a safe girl though, never smoked, done drugs, and all that. I like that. Pool seems like a good idea. I know a place, and I'll teach her i guess, lol. She hasn't used a "we can still be friends", actually, I don't even think she's referred to me as a "friend" at all.
paddington bear Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 You are not in the friendzone yet, but are treading on thin ice - her yabbering away to you about her day on messanger, rather than actually going on a date with you. The longer you go on with that kind of thing, without a 'more than friends' situation getting established, the more you will get stuck in that role and then feel mean for not keeping up contact with her and she'll give you the line that she doesn't want to ruin the friendship. Firstly, make sure that the way you communicate with her and act around her makes it clear that you are intersted in more than friends, rather than acting slightly de-sexualised in the hope of becoming friends and later pouncing (this always backfires, as the sexual spark was extinguished from the word go). And yes, I'd give it one more shot at asking her out. Make it clear that it's a date. If she says no, or gives you the friends line, tell her that you are looking for a girlfriend right now and that when you've found that girlfriend you and she can be friends (otherwise you will never find that girlfriend, your female 'friend' will take up most of your time and thoughts).
somedude81 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Going to dinner is fine, but it shouldn't be the main event. So if you invite her to go play pool with her, it's totally fine to grab some pizza while you are there. It's different than just going to a restaurant and watch each other eat. She hasn't used a "we can still be friends", actually, I don't even think she's referred to me as a "friend" at all. Cool, then things seem to be going good. That line is usually only used when the girl realizes that you like her and are trying to move things forward. If she doesn't like you she'll give the line. Ms. Bear knows what she's talking about.
Author Mac91 Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 You are not in the friendzone yet, but are treading on thin ice - her yabbering away to you about her day on messanger, rather than actually going on a date with you. The longer you go on with that kind of thing, without a 'more than friends' situation getting established, the more you will get stuck in that role and then feel mean for not keeping up contact with her and she'll give you the line that she doesn't want to ruin the friendship. Firstly, make sure that the way you communicate with her and act around her makes it clear that you are intersted in more than friends, rather than acting slightly de-sexualised in the hope of becoming friends and later pouncing (this always backfires, as the sexual spark was extinguished from the word go). And yes, I'd give it one more shot at asking her out. Make it clear that it's a date. If she says no, or gives you the friends line, tell her that you are looking for a girlfriend right now and that when you've found that girlfriend you and she can be friends (otherwise you will never find that girlfriend, your female 'friend' will take up most of your time and thoughts). Advice taken, Paddington. But I have one question. She's never actually talked to me about her day, but she always asks me how work was etc.. does that make a difference?
paddington bear Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I guess the topic doesn't matter. It's good that she wants to keep in touch with you, which shows some interest on her side (sometimes though, girls like knowing guys like them, serves as an ego-boost, while having no intention of taking it further) but I guess my point was to avoid ongoing 'non-meeting in person' friendly banter on the internet or via text as one would do with your because you get stuck in that rut of no man's land where you can't dazzle her with your sparkling personality and flirting in person. I would suggest you make sure that you flirt with her and make her feel special when you are with her, even if that is not on a date, she will pick up those body language clues and it is exciting and intriguing when someone flirts with you and is the thing that ignites their interest as more than a friend in you. Makes you excited to see them again. If you were brave enough, you could go for brutal honesty (said with an endearing and cheeky smile) "I really like you and I'd love if you and me could go for dinner/play pool/see that movie that you mentioned"
that girl Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 You need to ask her out. And don't be vague about it, she might not realize these offers were possible dates. Something specific like "I'd really like to take you to dinner this week, when are you free?" Will give you your answer. If she says a specific date (even if it is something like "Gosh, I'm super busy this week, what about the Sunday after next), she's interested. I don't subscribe to the silly idea that men should not talk on the phone/im/text with women they are interested in. But I think you should be upfront in your interest and regularly schedule dates. Random texts is more friend like than date like. Guys who like you actually make plans to see you alone on a regular basis.
sagetalk Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I would suggest you make sure that you flirt with her and make her feel special when you are with her, even if that is not on a date, she will pick up those body language clues and it is exciting and intriguing when someone flirts with you and is the thing that ignites their interest as more than a friend in you. Makes you excited to see them again. Good advice here. You are not in the friendzone, she will say, "Lets just be friends" when you are in the friendzone. Don't ever let her do that and stick around, if she says it, it's pretty much over. I have found very few ways of avoiding the friendzone, here are a few: Be physical with her (kissing or hand holding)Meet her when you have a girlfriend and keep her around (not advisable and slightly shady but it works). If you've ever watched Dog the Bounty Hunter's life story he did this alot.Never get past her in the feelings department. Stay one level below her until she says I love you.Do not have long conversations texting, online, or on the phone until well into the relationship. Number 3 and 4 is where most guys fail (myself as well). When you say I love you, I like you, I want to be with you, too fast and the girl shuts herself off. She will friendzone you. If she has no other options, you can live through it, but if she has lots of options you're probably toast. You're not dead yet, get off the Internet and chatting with her. Call her, say, "Let's go to the _________ tomorrow night, it'll be fun!" If she says, "I have a headache" or some other excuse, then back away from her for awhile.
Author Mac91 Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 I guess the topic doesn't matter. It's good that she wants to keep in touch with you, which shows some interest on her side (sometimes though, girls like knowing guys like them, serves as an ego-boost, while having no intention of taking it further) but I guess my point was to avoid ongoing 'non-meeting in person' friendly banter on the internet or via text as one would do with your because you get stuck in that rut of no man's land where you can't dazzle her with your sparkling personality and flirting in person. I would suggest you make sure that you flirt with her and make her feel special when you are with her, even if that is not on a date, she will pick up those body language clues and it is exciting and intriguing when someone flirts with you and is the thing that ignites their interest as more than a friend in you. Makes you excited to see them again. If you were brave enough, you could go for brutal honesty (said with an endearing and cheeky smile) "I really like you and I'd love if you and me could go for dinner/play pool/see that movie that you mentioned" I see, so I must take this in person. I will ask her out one last time.. to play some pool, and hopefully it works out. At least I'll get to feel her out and see how it goes. I would hate to get stuck into no man's land... that would suck bad. You need to ask her out. And don't be vague about it, she might not realize these offers were possible dates. Something specific like "I'd really like to take you to dinner this week, when are you free?" Will give you your answer. If she says a specific date (even if it is something like "Gosh, I'm super busy this week, what about the Sunday after next), she's interested. I don't subscribe to the silly idea that men should not talk on the phone/im/text with women they are interested in. But I think you should be upfront in your interest and regularly schedule dates. Random texts is more friend like than date like. Guys who like you actually make plans to see you alone on a regular basis. Ok, I think I'll be specific and make sure she knows it's like a date. I like talking with her, in person or in text. I feel we have alot in common, we share alot of the same morals and views in alot of things, or just life in general. She doesn't necessarily randomly text me, but for example, when she left work, and i just started she sent me a text 10 mins later saying "have fun at work :P" or something. Good advice here. You are not in the friendzone, she will say, "Lets just be friends" when you are in the friendzone. Don't ever let her do that and stick around, if she says it, it's pretty much over. I have found very few ways of avoiding the friendzone, here are a few: Be physical with her (kissing or hand holding)Meet her when you have a girlfriend and keep her around (not advisable and slightly shady but it works). If you've ever watched Dog the Bounty Hunter's life story he did this alot.Never get past her in the feelings department. Stay one level below her until she says I love you.Do not have long conversations texting, online, or on the phone until well into the relationship. Number 3 and 4 is where most guys fail (myself as well). When you say I love you, I like you, I want to be with you, too fast and the girl shuts herself off. She will friendzone you. If she has no other options, you can live through it, but if she has lots of options you're probably toast. You're not dead yet, get off the Internet and chatting with her. Call her, say, "Let's go to the _________ tomorrow night, it'll be fun!" If she says, "I have a headache" or some other excuse, then back away from her for awhile. I think next time i ask her out, it will be on the phone. I think #4 is where I kinda fail as well. I just like talking to people, and if i like them, even more so. Before I read this we had another long conversation. But i guess I should keep it short and sweet? It's a shame, cause like, both of us try to draw out the conversation longer, until one of us has to go.
Mr White Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 So it leads me to my question. Have I already become friendzoned? If not, how do I stay away from it? I've already put forth all the initiative, I don't think I'm gonna try much anymore. Let her put some effort, if she's interested anyways. "I don't want to listen to your problems, I just want to f** you" is usually a pretty effective tool to keep you away from the friend zone
Engadget Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 My ex girlfriend I dated for 6 years turned down our first date because she had a wedding to go to. We talked later about it, and she said "I figured you didn't believe me and I thought I was making things up" which I actually kind of did. So since they're valid excuses, try again. If she blows you off a 3rd time, then maybe she's trying to just be friends but you never know.
that girl Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I think too many guys make these hard and fast rules, ignoring what women are actually like. Randomly calling a girl you sort of know to chat makes her think of you as a friend. Guy who like you ask you on dates, friends call and chat for hours. But if you are dating her and call her regularly to chat, it shows interest and helps you get to know her better. Obviously (or maybe not obviously) you shouldn't be calling a girl everyday who you have been on one date with. The problem is guys who act like friends (lots of calls, no dates) and then get all dissapointed and bitter when she doesn't want to date him. A date isn't really something you earn, mostly she's either interested or not. But once you've established the interest the phone calls can help bring you closer. I also think the "don't get past her in the feelings department" one is bull****. Some people (male and female) fall super fast without even knowing the person. In those cases, it is best to keep your fantasies about marriage and children to yourself until a relationship is well established. But it is really counterproductive for anyone to be thinking "I have to stay one level behind her in the feelings department." That is game playing and manipulative. And there is another thread on this board about how many women are turned off by guys who just don't seem interested. Sure, you can scare someone off if you tell them you love them on a third date, you barely know the person! But someone has to be brave enough to say I love you at some point, if you're always trying to be the least committed one you're going to have a lot of relationships fall apart.
Author Mac91 Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 I think too many guys make these hard and fast rules, ignoring what women are actually like. Randomly calling a girl you sort of know to chat makes her think of you as a friend. Guy who like you ask you on dates, friends call and chat for hours. But if you are dating her and call her regularly to chat, it shows interest and helps you get to know her better. Obviously (or maybe not obviously) you shouldn't be calling a girl everyday who you have been on one date with. The problem is guys who act like friends (lots of calls, no dates) and then get all dissapointed and bitter when she doesn't want to date him. A date isn't really something you earn, mostly she's either interested or not. But once you've established the interest the phone calls can help bring you closer. I also think the "don't get past her in the feelings department" one is bull****. Some people (male and female) fall super fast without even knowing the person. In those cases, it is best to keep your fantasies about marriage and children to yourself until a relationship is well established. But it is really counterproductive for anyone to be thinking "I have to stay one level behind her in the feelings department." That is game playing and manipulative. And there is another thread on this board about how many women are turned off by guys who just don't seem interested. Sure, you can scare someone off if you tell them you love them on a third date, you barely know the person! But someone has to be brave enough to say I love you at some point, if you're always trying to be the least committed one you're going to have a lot of relationships fall apart. I've always thought that girls would appreciate a guy getting to know her first, rather than just attempting the get in her pants. Just being interested in a date, and like not getting to know her before hand can be just as bad right? I'm sure this can vary from girl to girl no? Well, whatever happens, it's fate. There are plenty of trees in the forest.
ADF Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 A fundamental difference between men and women is this: while men almost never bother to befriend women unless they have a romantic/sexual motive, women will often go out of their way to make platonic male friends. This leads to some confusion regarding intentions. You're going to have to ask more directly whether this woman has any interest in you. You might say something like, "You know, I'd like to ask you out agian, but I wonder if I should." That should make your intensions clear enough.
Tayla Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 ADF, I agree with your summation. I remained perplexed as I come from the stance that when one is 80 and looking around to see who is left, I would care not if the gender is male or female so long as I could say " That person is my friend". Sorry in the grand scope of things, friendship is the foundation , without it it will not progress favorably. TO the poster, I get the portion that there is an attraction and you would like to persue it further. The worst that can happen is, she really becomes a good support for you when you need some social friends.
ADF Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 ADF, I agree with your summation. I remained perplexed as I come from the stance that when one is 80 and looking around to see who is left, I would care not if the gender is male or female so long as I could say " That person is my friend". Sorry in the grand scope of things, friendship is the foundation , without it it will not progress favorably. Fair enough, but the poster is not 80. His wanting a romantic/sexual connection with this woman, in addition to friendship, is perfectly normal and understandable. There is this huge lie in our culture that says sex is trivial, that it shouldn't really matter that much, that "love"--or perhaps friendship--should always be enough. It's rubbish. We human being are risen apes, not fallen angels. For the overwhelming majority of people, having a sex life is fundamental to their pyschological and emotional well-being. Wanting more than friendship--i.e. sex--doesn't mean you're short-sighted or shallow. It means you're human.
Author Mac91 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 Thanks ADF and Tayla. It brings some insight onto what I'm trying to accomplish. Which leads me to ask... should I continue being persistent? or should I cool it down and act like I don't care. Let her contact me and not vice versa? I get alot of mixed opinions, so i don't know what to do! I don't wanna seem desperate.
somedude81 Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I had a worry that something like this would happen. It's becoming information overload. Just ask her out. Don't worry about anything else. If you think you may be talking with ther too much and seeming too friendly, then just talk to her less on text and msn.
Author Mac91 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 I had a worry that something like this would happen. It's becoming information overload. Just ask her out. Don't worry about anything else. If you think you may be talking with ther too much and seeming too friendly, then just talk to her less on text and msn. Ok, true, I've always been an over analytical person... it's part of my educational background lol... Don't think, just act, I'll have to do that.
Author Mac91 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 What a wonderful world this is. I'm asking a lady friend of mine, and asking her take on this blah blah blah... and she ends up telling me that she had a crush on me before, and all that... and now she asked me to go out for coffee. I'm not interested in her >_<
Green Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 There is this girl that I like, but I don't wanna be in the "friendzone". I've only known her about a month, but really only started talking with her on a regular basis a few days ago (when i got her contact info). So it leads me to my question. Have I already become friendzoned? If not, how do I stay away from it? I've already put forth all the initiative, I don't think I'm gonna try much anymore. Let her put some effort, if she's interested anyways. You want some fantasy about the friendzone watch this movie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnKSPJdpyWo&feature=related You want reality then listen up 1) THE FRIEND ZONE DOES NOT EXIST. THERE IS NO NATURAL PROGRESSION FROM FRIEND TO LOVER. SOME TIMES FRIENDS BECOME LOVERS YES... BUT DON'T LET THAT FOOL YOU... THERES NO WAY AROUND IT YOU HAVE TO PUSH THINGS TO THE POINT WHERE YOU COULD LOSE THE GIRL... FACE THE REJECTION. 2) YOU PUT FORTH THE EFFORT IN THE BEGINING ITS YOUR JOB AS A MAN TO PUT YOURSELF ON THE LINE AND RISK GETTING REJECTED 3) ASKING A GIRL OUT DOES NOT MEAN SEEING IF SHE IS FREE, YOU TELL HER LETS GO OUT AND DO THIS _________ U FILL IN THE BLANK. 4) USE ACTIONS NOT WORDS... KISS HER ON THE LIPS. IF YOU DIDN'T TRY TO KISS HER u LOSEEEEEE
sagetalk Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I think next time i ask her out, it will be on the phone. I think #4 is where I kinda fail as well. I just like talking to people, and if i like them, even more so. Before I read this we had another long conversation. But i guess I should keep it short and sweet? It's a shame, cause like, both of us try to draw out the conversation longer, until one of us has to go. Yes, talking to her on the phone is great. Talking to her in person is better! If she wants to talk then she's gotta do it over lunch, coffee, dinner, a long walk. If she doesn't want to do those things with you, then you're better off finding a girl that does want to.
that girl Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 The real problem with getting to know the girl first before asking her out is that you're getting all emotionally invested without knowing if you have a shot. A lot of dating comes down to the connection people feel. If you are just not her type (and that doesn't mean unattractive or not cool), it isn't going to happen, but meanwhile you have some six month plan. It is also possible for the girl to be interested but lose interest either because she doesn't think you are interested in more than friendship or because someone else comes along. There isn't anything wrong with friends first, but if all you really want is a relationship you can end up hurt.
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