Feeling so low

[Masoshi]

It is a little more complicated for me than just being angry I left my M and he hasn't done so. My M was extremely unhealthy, my H had been an excellent bf and fiance, but literally the day we got married, he neglected me. He preferred seeing his friends over me, he preferred working (when he did not have to and I knew that from his own parents, he worked in a family business) to being with me. He eventually chose to fuel an addiction and lie to me over and over about it...instead of spend any time with me..all while I raised his daughter, and went to school full time then work full time, by the way. He was accusing me of having an affair before I ever engaged in one, accusing me of hiding money I made from him, I guess it was his way of trying to maintain control over me. He was very manipulative and emotionally abusive, and I think some of his accusations towards me were reflective of what he was doing though I am sure he never had an A. I tried so many times to work with him on improving the M because at that time I still loved him, but after a few years of it, the love was dying and I met MM...and I guess the rest is "history".

 

If I am completely honest with myself, I didn't leave my M just for MM, I left it for me, because in my heart I knew I deserved a better partner. It took a long time for me to leave, even though what I described above had been happening for years. But yes, of course I'm hurt and sad and angry and all of that. I didn't expect MM to get the cold feet he's seemed to develop and I didn't expect to still be waiting like this a year after separating. As much as I love my step-daughter, and she really is my daughter to me, my M was so unhealthy and negative I knew I had to leave. MM's M has never been so volatile as mine, he and his W don't fight much and he's always been forthright about that so it's not as though the kids are seeing such a mess as my daughter was.

 

Look, I am not a stupid person. I'm sure many of you will disagree reading my posts, saying I have fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book, all that. I can see that as well as anyone, trust me, I can see all of that too. However, love has a way of fooling you, a way of making you look at things differently, and holding out some hope. I never wanted this for myself. Throughout my entire life I was always one of those people saying I could never have an A, what kind of person has an A, it's despicable, etc. etc. But I don't think deep down I am a despicable person, I have made some unfortunate choices in my relationships and my life, and they have brought me incredible pain. But do I "deserve whatever I get"? I don't think I would go that far, PP, that's very harsh. Sure, I'll hold out some hope until I know with certainty there is no chance, because I am very much in love with MM, and until that time I don't think I'll be making any major changes in my life (i.e. job change) or trying to get back with my H. That relationship is definitely over.

Edited June 13, 2010 by Masoshi

[ComputerJock]

Good points which is why I like input from different posters. Yes I ment committed to the affair. She obviously didn't love her husband enough to keep her legs closed to another man, and I wonder if the other man isn't thinking if she did cheat on her husband then she may cheat on me. Different viewpoints give different answers, which is a good thing. IMHO.

[bestplayer]

Hi everyone, I am new here, so please forgive me if I make mistakes on this forum.

 

I feel weird writing this. This is an aspect of my life that has been going on for more than four years but not one that I have ever talked about with anyone else. I have never had a secret like this. I think I just need an outlet because of the way I have been feeling recently.

 

For anyone who wants to read it, this is my story, the "shorter" version:

 

I have been having an affair with a MM for a little more than four years. Sometimes I think this affair sounds so "typical" on paper that Hollywood could make a bad movie about it. My MM is almost 15 years older than me. I met him when I was 24 (I am now 29), we were both married when we met. I was hired as a student to work in a professional firm, he held a senior position there. I now hold a mid-level position and he still has his senior position. I had been married almost three years when we met, he had been married for almost 9. I didn't want to have an affair, I wasn't seeking one out for advancement, that's for sure. I didn't want to be put in that kind of position, especially in my workplace. I had worked extremely hard going to school for years to get the education I needed to get the job I did. But, like I would imagine in most affairs, we started off as a friends. He was the friendliest guy where we worked, which was full of stuffy corporate types, and we just got along. After a few months of being friends, we began emailing, and after some more time, when work would end and on weekends, we continued the conversations by texting, and it began to turn flirtatious.

 

I was having problems in my marriage, big surprise. So he was he. I know in retrospect it sounds so pathetic, but we really were just drawn to each other. I had considered leaving my H before I ever met MM, but he was definitely the catalyst. In the beginning, before things escalated, I was nervous about all the contact. I knew that if we ever crossed a line I was going to feel so guilty, and I would never be able to get past it. But I was falling in love with him. That line came and we crossed it and I was right. The guilt was unbearable. But somehow, I had fallen so in love with MM that I couldn't stop seeing him, even though time after time I said I would have to end things. I never did. MM was having his own struggles about our relationship, especially how he felt with regard to his kids but we were so happy being together and looked forward to the future.

 

I realized I had made a mistake with my H, because when I fell in love with MM, knowing that MM existed was a terrible (yet wonderful) reality. I love MM's intelligence, sense of humour, empathy, compassion, thoughtfulness, drive, love for fitness, and ambition, among many other aspects of his personality. I don't want to be with any other man. MM encouraged me to leave my H (I did about a year ago) because of the way I was treated in my M and also because he wanted to marry me.

 

When I left my H, I grieved for the end of my marriage, but I also felt so free. I looked forward to when MM would separate, as we wanted to stagger the separations because we worked together. Then he had a death in his family and everything changed. It coincided with his anniversary. He told me he thought he needed to give his marriage one last chance, to see if it could work. He didn't think he could leave without feeling so much guilt for not having having given it that last chance, because of their kids. Obviously, it sent me into an emotional tailspin. I got really scared that it might work, that whatever changes were made could be enough to make him happy enough to stay and not break up their family. He said he is concerned about me and wondered if maybe our intimate relationship should stop during that process because if he's less available, it will make us both suffer if our relationship becomes so much more limited. I said I will suffer more that way than if he lets our relationship continue, even if we get to see each other less because he's not as available. A part of me knows that is "pathetic", but I don't want to lose him. I know that I couldn't go anywhere during this time, but wait...because I don't want anyone else. We have been discussing this for a couple weeks now, and it's been horrible for me.

 

On the one hand, I understand the need for the last try, I don't want him to leave for me and think "what if" he had given her another chance. Also, it's something I also did before I left my H, but to be completely honest, I didn't really think it would work in my M, because I had fallen too much out of love with my H by that time. I know I scared MM during that time, because he was afraid to lose me then. Part of me thinks that they have been together so long and not happy that nothing will really end up changing during this time...and another part of me thinks that faced with the prospect of losing her H, MM's W will pull out all the stops and it could work...

 

I've been crying nonstop, I can barely eat, sleep, function. Tonight is the night he is going to tell his W about the need for a change in their M. One of the worst things for me is feeling so alone. I can't talk to anyone about this except for MM, and that always ends up tearing me up inside. I almost broke down and told a friend of mine yesterday, but I was afraid of the judgment I would surely get (and deserve) and I thought it wasn't fair to MM, as no one knows about our relationship, and he is still married.

 

This is the worst pain I've ever experienced. I feel like I deserve it too for getting into this situation, and that just makes it hurt worse. I am alone, I am sad, I am miserable, and I am living with all this uncertainty that I am losing the love of my life.

 

Please don't flame me too much, I know I've made a mess of things in my life, and trust me, I am paying the price for it.

 

J

Masoshi , after reading your post I can say you are in lot of stress unnecessarily . I really dont agree with you that you deserve this pain , despite the fact that you rushed in to leaving your Husband while having an affair with MM .

It seems you will remain miserable like this as long as you are depending on MM to make you happy . For some time , keep him out of the picture . Try to concentrate only on the postive things in your life at least for some time until you can function normally . Then worry about your next step .

 

Best of luck

[Ellin]

It is a little more complicated for me than just being angry I left my M and he hasn't done so. My M was extremely unhealthy, my H had been an excellent bf and fiance, but literally the day we got married, he neglected me. He preferred seeing his friends over me, he preferred working (when he did not have to and I knew that from his own parents, he worked in a family business) to being with me. He eventually chose to fuel an addiction and lie to me over and over about it...instead of spend any time with me..all while I raised his daughter, and went to school full time then work full time, by the way. He was accusing me of having an affair before I ever engaged in one, accusing me of hiding money I made from him, I guess it was his way of trying to maintain control over me. He was very manipulative and emotionally abusive, and I think some of his accusations towards me were reflective of what he was doing though I am sure he never had an A. I tried so many times to work with him on improving the M because at that time I still loved him, but after a few years of it, the love was dying and I met MM...and I guess the rest is "history".

I see why you made this decision now.

If I am completely honest with myself, I didn't leave my M just for MM, I left it for me, because in my heart I knew I deserved a better partner. It took a long time for me to leave, even though what I described above had been happening for years.

I hope it will change your life for the better, because you do deserve a good partner.

But yes, of course I'm hurt and sad and angry and all of that. I didn't expect MM to get the cold feet he's seemed to develop and I didn't expect to still be waiting like this a year after separating. As much as I love my step-daughter, and she really is my daughter to me, my M was so unhealthy and negative I knew I had to leave. MM's M has never been so volatile as mine, he and his W don't fight much and he's always been forthright about that so it's not as though the kids are seeing such a mess as my daughter was.

Having been through many difficulties you wish you could be happy in the end. This perhaps makes you quite vulnerable and he gave you hopes, promising everything that you wanted in life. No wonder you're feeling so low.

Look, I am not a stupid person. I'm sure many of you will disagree reading my posts, saying I have fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book, all that. I can see that as well as anyone, trust me, I can see all of that too. However, love has a way of fooling you, a way of making you look at things differently, and holding out some hope. I never wanted this for myself. Throughout my entire life I was always one of those people saying I could never have an A, what kind of person has an A, it's despicable, etc. etc. But I don't think deep down I am a despicable person, I have made some unfortunate choices in my relationships and my life, and they have brought me incredible pain. But do I "deserve whatever I get"? I don't think I would go that far, PP, that's very harsh. Sure, I'll hold out some hope until I know with certainty there is no chance, because I am very much in love with MM, and until that time I don't think I'll be making any major changes in my life (i.e. job change) or trying to get back with my H. That relationship is definitely over.

 

Of course you're not stupid nor despicable.

 

Just hold on, girl, there are happy times in front of you, whether with or without him, even if it's hard to believe it now.

[lovinmylife]

But he doesn't want to let me go either, and I really do not want to go. I am afraid to break contact, because then I think it will be easier for him to see improvements in his M if he is not feeling tied to me.

 

hey,

I understand that you feel this way. But he wants to see if there is a change. You have to give that to him. Otherwise if he were to leave, and if you didn't give him that chance, he would still wonder. Maybe that's what he is trying to do is not feel so tied to you so that he can give his marriage another try. In the end, his marriage should come first anyway, regardless of what happened, before trying to get out for good. if you really love him, give him his space so that he can be in his right mind.

[Masoshi]

Well I'm going to see what today brings. I haven't spoken to him since he called Saturday and today I have to go into work and see him...as his office is right around the corner from mine...so I guess we will see. But I am still not initiating contact. It hurts like hell already and it's been only a few days.

[Ellin]

You'll get through it. Let us know how it went.

 

Hugs!

[Masoshi]

So I've been at work now for a few hours already and no contact. Nothing. This is so weird, this is so strange. I'm not doing a particularly good job of focusing either, as I keep expecting some kind of contact. I expected him to contact me concerned I hadn't contacted him myself first. But no, nothing. And not five minutes ago, I practically bumped into him around a corner. Who knows how I looked, probably pained, but the way he looked at me...I felt like he was looking at me as though he wished I wasn't even there. God, I hope I'm wrong, but he's never looked at me like that. Usually he's normal, he smiles at me, even when we've been in the middle of disagreements. But this is an office, it's professional, we're professional, keeping up appearances and all that, so we have to act normal. This was...different, and painful, and NOT normal. I have no idea what happened during his and his W's little "discussion" over the weekend and he said he would tell me what happened when we last talked Saturday. But today, no contact.

 

I don't know how I'm going to get through today.

[jennie-jennie]

So I've been at work now for a few hours already and no contact. Nothing. This is so weird, this is so strange. I'm not doing a particularly good job of focusing either, as I keep expecting some kind of contact. I expected him to contact me concerned I hadn't contacted him myself first. But no, nothing. And not five minutes ago, I practically bumped into him around a corner. Who knows how I looked, probably pained, but the way he looked at me...I felt like he was looking at me as though he wished I wasn't even there. God, I hope I'm wrong, but he's never looked at me like that. Usually he's normal, he smiles at me, even when we've been in the middle of disagreements. But this is an office, it's professional, we're professional, keeping up appearances and all that, so we have to act normal. This was...different, and painful, and NOT normal. I have no idea what happened during his and his W's little "discussion" over the weekend and he said he would tell me what happened when we last talked Saturday. But today, no contact.

 

I don't know how I'm going to get through today.

 

(((((Masoshi)))))

[Ellin]

I can imagine how hard it is for you.

 

Do you think it would be easier for you if you conacted him to ask how he is?

[theodora]

Hi Masoshi

 

Ohhhh I really feel for you. Love is so painful. It really hurts, and your situation is made worse by the fact that it is such a MESS. I imagine it must be feelin really hard to untangle right now.

 

I'm going through the separateon from my MM at the moment too. Tryin to keep strong and not text him (texted him once today and he hasnt replied lol) and it's hard even tho I know for a fact he won't leave his W. So must be even worse for you because of the uncertainty.

 

And I SO kno what u mean about not being able to tell anyone. People can be judgmental, and there is the danger of finding out. Even my close friends don't know about my A. But in the end I did tell someone, completely unconnected to him and the situ. Just because I couldn't hold it in. it really helped.

 

So....my advice would be I think you need to tell someone. Could you find a therapist or a counsellor? Someone totally anonymous who will not judge you, who won't tell anyone, who you can trust? I think being on your own with this is deadly, and will drive you back to your MM just because of loneliness and the need to talk about it.

 

WIth such strong feelings, you really shouldn't let urself be alone, and it really seems like a bad idea to rely on him. Because this is the one thing which is really clear from your original post: He is looking after himself. Despite the promise he made to you, and all that he's told you about wanting to be with you, when it comes down to it he is going to do what's right for HIM and him only. Don't be fooled into thinking he's doing what's right by his W. He's not. If he wanted to do right by her, he wouldn't have ever slept with you. He does what's right by him.

 

Once you start to understand that, and recognise what he has done, is doing to you, you may find some of that love starts to die. He's been unbelievably selfish, and he still is being. The least he could do right now, if he wanted to help you, would be to finish with you, let you go, hurt you all in one go and let you grieve for him. But he wants you to hang on, just in case he decides he wants you after all.

 

I kno you love him, so you won't really be able to hear that now, and yes yes things may be complicated for him, he may be afraid, he may be a good person deep down but this is the thing: You need to start looking after yourself, like he is looking after himself. Find someone to talk to. Don't worry about betraying him. You need to do what's right for you, and seems to me like you need some support.

 

Please find some. You don't deserve to be alone with this. We all fall in love, and we can't choose with who. People who are harsh simply choose not to understand, perhaps because they are afraid of their own weakness. Not because anyone is any better than anyone else. You're fine. You did your best. And now you need to look after yourself.

 

Hugs.

 

Lou

[Masoshi]

My gut tells me (or at least my hopeful gut) that he is not contacting me because he thinks I want space, because I am upset. He's very aware of how much it hurts me to know he is going to put some effort into his M for the next little while to see how it goes. And as I've already mentioned in my posts, when we talked on Saturday, I just broke down. I assume he's either concerned that a) I may break down in the office if we start to talk, even by email or text and we are supposed to be working obviously and/or b) I'm hurt and upset and I don't want to talk to him, since I haven't contacted him since he last spoke to me Saturday (unusual for us) so I wouldn't be shocked if he's thinking that. Maybe he is trying to sort out his own feelings as well about everything before approaching me to discuss anything.

 

I have considered asking if he'd like to talk to me at the lunch hour (which is soon) as this place quiets down considerably, and I've also considered leaving it alone, and letting him contact me when/(if) he is ready to do so. And I'm not sure which is best. I certainly know what I'd prefer, but I don't want to always appear to be so weak, either.

[BB07]

Masoshi, you are obsessing right now about what he is thinking, what he wants, etc.

 

Masoshi, you aren't going to be helping him or yourself by asking him to lunch, you aren't respecting the boundaries he has tried to put in place, you really need to leave him alone, for your sake and his. He will look at you a lot more favorably if you walk talk and hang on to your self respect. He knows you are hurting, but he has committed to working on his marriage, let him do it, without interference from you. If you don't.....it will only become more painful for you.

[Ellin]

Sounds like you want to contact him but you think it will make you appear weak. How then about putting it off for a while? You can set yourself a certain amount of time you are prepared to wait for him to get in touch and if he doesn't then you will? If you will still want to.

 

If you feel you need check with him how things are, that's ok. Sometimes is better to talk than leave things unsaid.

 

But it will be better if you talk to him when you feel a bit stronger.

 

You know what is best for you.