Feeling so low

[Masoshi]

Hi everyone, I am new here, so please forgive me if I make mistakes on this forum.

 

I feel weird writing this. This is an aspect of my life that has been going on for more than four years but not one that I have ever talked about with anyone else. I have never had a secret like this. I think I just need an outlet because of the way I have been feeling recently.

 

For anyone who wants to read it, this is my story, the "shorter" version:

 

I have been having an affair with a MM for a little more than four years. Sometimes I think this affair sounds so "typical" on paper that Hollywood could make a bad movie about it. My MM is almost 15 years older than me. I met him when I was 24 (I am now 29), we were both married when we met. I was hired as a student to work in a professional firm, he held a senior position there. I now hold a mid-level position and he still has his senior position. I had been married almost three years when we met, he had been married for almost 9. I didn't want to have an affair, I wasn't seeking one out for advancement, that's for sure. I didn't want to be put in that kind of position, especially in my workplace. I had worked extremely hard going to school for years to get the education I needed to get the job I did. But, like I would imagine in most affairs, we started off as a friends. He was the friendliest guy where we worked, which was full of stuffy corporate types, and we just got along. After a few months of being friends, we began emailing, and after some more time, when work would end and on weekends, we continued the conversations by texting, and it began to turn flirtatious.

 

I was having problems in my marriage, big surprise. So he was he. I know in retrospect it sounds so pathetic, but we really were just drawn to each other. I had considered leaving my H before I ever met MM, but he was definitely the catalyst. In the beginning, before things escalated, I was nervous about all the contact. I knew that if we ever crossed a line I was going to feel so guilty, and I would never be able to get past it. But I was falling in love with him. That line came and we crossed it and I was right. The guilt was unbearable. But somehow, I had fallen so in love with MM that I couldn't stop seeing him, even though time after time I said I would have to end things. I never did. MM was having his own struggles about our relationship, especially how he felt with regard to his kids but we were so happy being together and looked forward to the future.

 

I realized I had made a mistake with my H, because when I fell in love with MM, knowing that MM existed was a terrible (yet wonderful) reality. I love MM's intelligence, sense of humour, empathy, compassion, thoughtfulness, drive, love for fitness, and ambition, among many other aspects of his personality. I don't want to be with any other man. MM encouraged me to leave my H (I did about a year ago) because of the way I was treated in my M and also because he wanted to marry me.

 

When I left my H, I grieved for the end of my marriage, but I also felt so free. I looked forward to when MM would separate, as we wanted to stagger the separations because we worked together. Then he had a death in his family and everything changed. It coincided with his anniversary. He told me he thought he needed to give his marriage one last chance, to see if it could work. He didn't think he could leave without feeling so much guilt for not having having given it that last chance, because of their kids. Obviously, it sent me into an emotional tailspin. I got really scared that it might work, that whatever changes were made could be enough to make him happy enough to stay and not break up their family. He said he is concerned about me and wondered if maybe our intimate relationship should stop during that process because if he's less available, it will make us both suffer if our relationship becomes so much more limited. I said I will suffer more that way than if he lets our relationship continue, even if we get to see each other less because he's not as available. A part of me knows that is "pathetic", but I don't want to lose him. I know that I couldn't go anywhere during this time, but wait...because I don't want anyone else. We have been discussing this for a couple weeks now, and it's been horrible for me.

 

On the one hand, I understand the need for the last try, I don't want him to leave for me and think "what if" he had given her another chance. Also, it's something I also did before I left my H, but to be completely honest, I didn't really think it would work in my M, because I had fallen too much out of love with my H by that time. I know I scared MM during that time, because he was afraid to lose me then. Part of me thinks that they have been together so long and not happy that nothing will really end up changing during this time...and another part of me thinks that faced with the prospect of losing her H, MM's W will pull out all the stops and it could work...

 

I've been crying nonstop, I can barely eat, sleep, function. Tonight is the night he is going to tell his W about the need for a change in their M. One of the worst things for me is feeling so alone. I can't talk to anyone about this except for MM, and that always ends up tearing me up inside. I almost broke down and told a friend of mine yesterday, but I was afraid of the judgment I would surely get (and deserve) and I thought it wasn't fair to MM, as no one knows about our relationship, and he is still married.

 

This is the worst pain I've ever experienced. I feel like I deserve it too for getting into this situation, and that just makes it hurt worse. I am alone, I am sad, I am miserable, and I am living with all this uncertainty that I am losing the love of my life.

 

Please don't flame me too much, I know I've made a mess of things in my life, and trust me, I am paying the price for it.

 

J

[lilagirl]

whooops, meant to start a new thread...

 

I will respond with a proper response soon...

Edited June 12, 2010 by lilagirl

[lilagirl]

Hi everyone, I am new here, so please forgive me if I make mistakes on this forum.

 

I feel weird writing this. This is an aspect of my life that has been going on for more than four years but not one that I have ever talked about with anyone else. I have never had a secret like this. I think I just need an outlet because of the way I have been feeling recently.

 

For anyone who wants to read it, this is my story, the "shorter" version:

 

I have been having an affair with a MM for a little more than four years. Sometimes I think this affair sounds so "typical" on paper that Hollywood could make a bad movie about it. My MM is almost 15 years older than me. I met him when I was 24 (I am now 29), we were both married when we met. I was hired as a student to work in a professional firm, he held a senior position there. I now hold a mid-level position and he still has his senior position. I had been married almost three years when we met, he had been married for almost 9. I didn't want to have an affair, I wasn't seeking one out for advancement, that's for sure. I didn't want to be put in that kind of position, especially in my workplace. I had worked extremely hard going to school for years to get the education I needed to get the job I did. But, like I would imagine in most affairs, we started off as a friends. He was the friendliest guy where we worked, which was full of stuffy corporate types, and we just got along. After a few months of being friends, we began emailing, and after some more time, when work would end and on weekends, we continued the conversations by texting, and it began to turn flirtatious.

 

I was having problems in my marriage, big surprise. So he was he. I know in retrospect it sounds so pathetic, but we really were just drawn to each other. I had considered leaving my H before I ever met MM, but he was definitely the catalyst. In the beginning, before things escalated, I was nervous about all the contact. I knew that if we ever crossed a line I was going to feel so guilty, and I would never be able to get past it. But I was falling in love with him. That line came and we crossed it and I was right. The guilt was unbearable. But somehow, I had fallen so in love with MM that I couldn't stop seeing him, even though time after time I said I would have to end things. I never did. MM was having his own struggles about our relationship, especially how he felt with regard to his kids but we were so happy being together and looked forward to the future.

 

I realized I had made a mistake with my H, because when I fell in love with MM, knowing that MM existed was a terrible (yet wonderful) reality. I love MM's intelligence, sense of humour, empathy, compassion, thoughtfulness, drive, love for fitness, and ambition, among many other aspects of his personality. I don't want to be with any other man. MM encouraged me to leave my H (I did about a year ago) because of the way I was treated in my M and also because he wanted to marry me.

 

When I left my H, I grieved for the end of my marriage, but I also felt so free. I looked forward to when MM would separate, as we wanted to stagger the separations because we worked together. Then he had a death in his family and everything changed. It coincided with his anniversary. He told me he thought he needed to give his marriage one last chance, to see if it could work. He didn't think he could leave without feeling so much guilt for not having having given it that last chance, because of their kids. Obviously, it sent me into an emotional tailspin. I got really scared that it might work, that whatever changes were made could be enough to make him happy enough to stay and not break up their family. He said he is concerned about me and wondered if maybe our intimate relationship should stop during that process because if he's less available, it will make us both suffer if our relationship becomes so much more limited. I said I will suffer more that way than if he lets our relationship continue, even if we get to see each other less because he's not as available. A part of me knows that is "pathetic", but I don't want to lose him. I know that I couldn't go anywhere during this time, but wait...because I don't want anyone else. We have been discussing this for a couple weeks now, and it's been horrible for me.

 

On the one hand, I understand the need for the last try, I don't want him to leave for me and think "what if" he had given her another chance. Also, it's something I also did before I left my H, but to be completely honest, I didn't really think it would work in my M, because I had fallen too much out of love with my H by that time. I know I scared MM during that time, because he was afraid to lose me then. Part of me thinks that they have been together so long and not happy that nothing will really end up changing during this time...and another part of me thinks that faced with the prospect of losing her H, MM's W will pull out all the stops and it could work...

 

I've been crying nonstop, I can barely eat, sleep, function. Tonight is the night he is going to tell his W about the need for a change in their M. One of the worst things for me is feeling so alone. I can't talk to anyone about this except for MM, and that always ends up tearing me up inside. I almost broke down and told a friend of mine yesterday, but I was afraid of the judgment I would surely get (and deserve) and I thought it wasn't fair to MM, as no one knows about our relationship, and he is still married.

 

This is the worst pain I've ever experienced. I feel like I deserve it too for getting into this situation, and that just makes it hurt worse. I am alone, I am sad, I am miserable, and I am living with all this uncertainty that I am losing the love of my life.

 

Please don't flame me too much, I know I've made a mess of things in my life, and trust me, I am paying the price for it.

 

J

 

 

Hi Hun,

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I have experienced something similar w my MM, although we haven`t had a full PA for as long as you have.

 

What are your plans? Are you going to continue seeing each other while he waits for the change, or are you going LC or NC?

 

I have been fully involved with my MMs attempt to make things work. Some days thats hard, some days its easier knowing the conversations and attempts.

 

What sort of advice are you looking for? It will depend on what your plans are now with his attempt to make it work. I, like many others, am of the belief that it can`t work with OW in the picture. My MM has been waiting for a small glimpse that things can work, and if he saw that, he would go and focus without me.... so I am being a bit hypocritcal when I say that.

 

(((((HUGS)))))

[Masoshi]

I am lost. In my heart I hope he is open to the idea of continuing to see me during this time. I don't think he wants things to end with me, that is the impression I have gotten from what we have said. And I don't think I am strong enough to refuse to see him if he wants to see me. He says he is feeling particularly guilty right now about telling his W he wants their M to change if he continues to have an intimate relationship with me. But he doesn't want to let me go either, and I really do not want to go. I am afraid to break contact, because then I think it will be easier for him to see improvements in his M if he is not feeling tied to me.

[jennie-jennie]

Masoshi,

I too have been in an extramarital relationship for 4+ years. There is so much I recognize in your story. I know that pain. I know that love.

[Masoshi]

So what do you do, Jennie? I would move heaven and earth to have him to myself, but the thought that maybe his M will improve enough to make it worthwhile to stay to keep the family intact kills me. Two weeks ago when he said he felt he needed to lessen his guilt and give the M a shot, he started to withdraw to a degree, the guilt was making him crazy. I know that feeling, I felt it too, before I left my H. But we ended up together alone earlier this week after so much talking, and crying, and suffering had been going on...and it all came back. It was like an urgency...I feel I can hang around as the OW so long as I know we are moving in the direction to be together. And then sometimes I feel so **** stupid for thinking things will ever work out for me, no matter how much we love each other.

[jennie-jennie]

Masoshi, I could have written your post. It is so hard. Trust that he loves you. Let him do what he has to do. Try to hold on to the knowledge that he does love you. It is not going to be easy for him either.

 

I always worry though about young women who are OW. You know already that this might take time, and still he might never leave. Make sure you are not standing there a middle aged woman with no kids. You are so young still.

[Masoshi]

I appreciate what you are saying, Jennie. Sometimes I feel like I am too young for all this bs but at other times I feel so old, like I have been through so much already. I have always felt like I was experiencing "grown-up" issues before any of my friends... I was married at barely 22 and acquired a step-daughter in the process whose mother was (and still is) out of the picture. I still parent her (shared), even though H and I are separated, and that made it very hard for me to leave my H, though I did. And now this A... my friends are getting married and having babies and I am hopelessly in love with a MM while working full time, taking care of a house and a pre-teen...and I am not even 30. I feel so alone, and my MM brings me so much joy. And I know he feels so much for me. He could lie about it even though I know he doesn't, but I see it written all over his face anyway, when we talk, when we are out together, at work, being intimate, etc. The thought that maybe I will stop being able to see him as much as anything more than a co-worker (or not at all during this "process") reduces me to tears constantly.

 

I am glad I found this board, it is helpful to know there are others out there who feel as I do.

[jennie-jennie]

My MM was going to work on his marriage last fall, so we went no contact. It was pure hell. I broke the NC within 24 hours, but he was ice cold, so I had to continue. After 6 days he contacted me. It had been pure hell for him too. And he had not even been able to work on his marriage. He had done nothing but think about me.

 

So trust your love, trust that it is difficult for him too, and trust that this is very unlikely to be the end of your relationship.

[Masoshi]

Jennie I so hope that you are right.

 

Thank you.

 

J

[Ellin]

..........

[Ellin]

I feel so sorry for your pain. I know exactly how you're feeling.

 

Being in an A situation causes enormous emotional pain, confusion and turmoil, much worse than in a "normal" relationship, due to the specific dynamics of an A. For example, the fact that you cannot be with him makes you want to, overshadowing all other aspects of it. Things lose their natural proportions. If he was available for a 1 to 1 R with you, you would feel differently about him, than you do now.

 

I had the same feelings exactly and have been working through them.

 

This my advice: don't concentrate all your efforts on trying to achieve the outcome you desire, spend some of your time and energy letting go of it, what I mean by that I trying to find ways to become a tiny bit happier within yourself, directing your energy and focus somewhere else. At the moment everything seems to hang on this issue for you - as if your whole life and any chance of future happiness depends on what he does next. This is destroying you.

 

Find something somewhere that you can rely on, that is more available for you. It can be anything - spending time with friend and loved ones, meeting new people, doing something you enjoy, treating yourself... Anything that will take your mind off him and show you that there is a world out there and he's not everything. But don't set yourself too big goals in the process, like forgetting about him for example, as this is not realistic. Take small steps and don't be discouraged by setback - keep going.

 

Take one day at a time. Don't let it go round and round your head constantly. Don't try to constantly solve it in your head and guess what is going to happen between him and his W. Your worrying won't have any good impact on the outcome but it will have a bad impact on you. Don't worry about the future, you're very young. It's not the end between the two of you, because that's how stories like this usually develop. But help yourself by getting stronger.

 

I don't think that if you distance yourself from him, it would send him back into his W's arms - quite the contrary! That's human nature and that's the way male-female interactions work. I'm tellin ya! Do not panic.

 

And another important thing - don't bash yourself, bee good to yourself! Don't think your pathetic, bad, stupid, don't feel guilty. Get rid of these thoughts as soon as they appear. Accept your feelings, don't fight against them. You have tried and are trying to do the best you can in the situation. None of us is a saint, we're only humans and we're coping the way we can and we learn from our experiences.

 

I wish I could alleviate your pain, but believe me, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Lots of hugs for you :*

Edited June 12, 2010 by Ellin

[fooled once]

Hi everyone, I am new here, so please forgive me if I make mistakes on this forum.

 

I feel weird writing this. This is an aspect of my life that has been going on for more than four years but not one that I have ever talked about with anyone else. I have never had a secret like this. I think I just need an outlet because of the way I have been feeling recently.

 

For anyone who wants to read it, this is my story, the "shorter" version:

 

I have been having an affair with a MM for a little more than four years. Sometimes I think this affair sounds so "typical" on paper that Hollywood could make a bad movie about it. My MM is almost 15 years older than me. I met him when I was 24 (I am now 29), we were both married when we met. I was hired as a student to work in a professional firm, he held a senior position there. I now hold a mid-level position and he still has his senior position. I had been married almost three years when we met, he had been married for almost 9. I didn't want to have an affair, I wasn't seeking one out for advancement, that's for sure. I didn't want to be put in that kind of position, especially in my workplace. I had worked extremely hard going to school for years to get the education I needed to get the job I did. But, like I would imagine in most affairs, we started off as a friends. He was the friendliest guy where we worked, which was full of stuffy corporate types, and we just got along. After a few months of being friends, we began emailing, and after some more time, when work would end and on weekends, we continued the conversations by texting, and it began to turn flirtatious.

 

I was having problems in my marriage, big surprise. So he was he. I know in retrospect it sounds so pathetic, but we really were just drawn to each other. I had considered leaving my H before I ever met MM, but he was definitely the catalyst. In the beginning, before things escalated, I was nervous about all the contact. I knew that if we ever crossed a line I was going to feel so guilty, and I would never be able to get past it. But I was falling in love with him. That line came and we crossed it and I was right. The guilt was unbearable. But somehow, I had fallen so in love with MM that I couldn't stop seeing him, even though time after time I said I would have to end things. I never did. MM was having his own struggles about our relationship, especially how he felt with regard to his kids but we were so happy being together and looked forward to the future.

 

I realized I had made a mistake with my H, because when I fell in love with MM, knowing that MM existed was a terrible (yet wonderful) reality. I love MM's intelligence, sense of humour, empathy, compassion, thoughtfulness, drive, love for fitness, and ambition, among many other aspects of his personality. I don't want to be with any other man. MM encouraged me to leave my H (I did about a year ago) because of the way I was treated in my M and also because he wanted to marry me.

 

When I left my H, I grieved for the end of my marriage, but I also felt so free. I looked forward to when MM would separate, as we wanted to stagger the separations because we worked together. Then he had a death in his family and everything changed. It coincided with his anniversary. He told me he thought he needed to give his marriage one last chance, to see if it could work. He didn't think he could leave without feeling so much guilt for not having having given it that last chance, because of their kids. Obviously, it sent me into an emotional tailspin. I got really scared that it might work, that whatever changes were made could be enough to make him happy enough to stay and not break up their family. He said he is concerned about me and wondered if maybe our intimate relationship should stop during that process because if he's less available, it will make us both suffer if our relationship becomes so much more limited. I said I will suffer more that way than if he lets our relationship continue, even if we get to see each other less because he's not as available. A part of me knows that is "pathetic", but I don't want to lose him. I know that I couldn't go anywhere during this time, but wait...because I don't want anyone else. We have been discussing this for a couple weeks now, and it's been horrible for me.

 

On the one hand, I understand the need for the last try, I don't want him to leave for me and think "what if" he had given her another chance. Also, it's something I also did before I left my H, but to be completely honest, I didn't really think it would work in my M, because I had fallen too much out of love with my H by that time. I know I scared MM during that time, because he was afraid to lose me then. Part of me thinks that they have been together so long and not happy that nothing will really end up changing during this time...and another part of me thinks that faced with the prospect of losing her H, MM's W will pull out all the stops and it could work...

 

I've been crying nonstop, I can barely eat, sleep, function. Tonight is the night he is going to tell his W about the need for a change in their M. One of the worst things for me is feeling so alone. I can't talk to anyone about this except for MM, and that always ends up tearing me up inside. I almost broke down and told a friend of mine yesterday, but I was afraid of the judgment I would surely get (and deserve) and I thought it wasn't fair to MM, as no one knows about our relationship, and he is still married.

 

This is the worst pain I've ever experienced. I feel like I deserve it too for getting into this situation, and that just makes it hurt worse. I am alone, I am sad, I am miserable, and I am living with all this uncertainty that I am losing the love of my life.

 

Please don't flame me too much, I know I've made a mess of things in my life, and trust me, I am paying the price for it.

 

J

 

Yeah, your story is pretty much the same as many OW.

 

He is 15 years older than you -- do you think he is going to want to have kids with you should he ever (which I highly doubt) divorce?

 

He wants to try again in his marriage, which screams he is still in love with his wife. I find it disgusting he encouraged you to leave your M, yet he isn't doing that. He isn't going to leave .... you know that right?

 

So what do you do, Jennie? I would move heaven and earth to have him to myself, but the thought that maybe his M will improve enough to make it worthwhile to stay to keep the family intact kills me. Two weeks ago when he said he felt he needed to lessen his guilt and give the M a shot, he started to withdraw to a degree, the guilt was making him crazy. I know that feeling, I felt it too, before I left my H. But we ended up together alone earlier this week after so much talking, and crying, and suffering had been going on...and it all came back. It was like an urgency...I feel I can hang around as the OW so long as I know we are moving in the direction to be together. And then sometimes I feel so **** stupid for thinking things will ever work out for me, no matter how much we love each other.

 

So you are willing to invest more years as the secret? As the mistress? You are willing to sit on the sidelines, waiting for him to maybe one day tell his wife? So he is going to give it another try (and sorry, but I don't believe for a second he is going to tell his wife things have to change).

 

The next excuse will be he can't because of the kids..it will be too hard for them. Then, after they are grown, it will be too hard, because he doesn't want his kids to hate him.

 

There will always be an excuse.

 

If he loved you, he would move mountains to be with you. Why are you making this guy your priority, when you are only an option (a side thing) for him? His wife is his priority - his marriage is his priority. He is showing you that with his actions. His actions are to make his marriage work. His actions are to stay with his wife.

 

He can give you lip service that "one day" you will be together, but his ACTIONS aren't matching that.

 

People who aren't invested in their marriage, don't try to make it work.

 

I am guessing you are willing to be his sex toy only if that will keep you in his life? You are willing to sell your body just so he will keep coming around? Where is your pride, where is your self respect?

 

My advice - leave him alone. He wants to work on his marriage. Let him. IF he ever gets divorced, he will come find you. Don't continue to be his mistress just on the 'off chance' you can sway him to be with you. Why would you want that when it is obvious he isn't nearly as invested in you as you are in him?

 

I feel sad for you --- you deserve a FULL TIME relationship, and I think you want that. Quit accepting crumbs from him just to keep him in your life. Until you demand respect, you will continue to be disrespected.

[Ellin]

Oh, and, Masoshi, don't do anything you are not ready for.

 

Everything's gonna be OK.

[jj33]

Masoshi Im sorry for your pain. A few things.

 

Much as you need him, if he is serious about working on his marriage, its counterproductive for him to see you during that time. It will only prolong his uncertainty. How can he know if he can salvage his marriage if he is not giving it 100%?

 

I understand you dont want to lose him, but you need to give him the space to decide or you could be in this limbo for 5 more years. And then you will be 35....

 

Now I dont beleive in changing jobs just because of an A but your situation sounds different. He is in a senior position. You are mid level now. When you come up for partner, he will be one of the decision makers. You will always be subordinate to him at the firm. You will always have to face him... And you are madly deeply truly in love with him.

 

It is not a happy place to be. I know in a more distant way from ending an A with someone in my industry with whom I worked very closely. If the A were to turn into something more permanent, if he were to leave, you couldnt stay there anyway. It would be very difficult with your colleagues and fair or not, on a certain level the men there wouldnt take you seriously.

 

So no matter WHAT happens with the A, you should consider looking at other firms. Its easy enough. Its a great firm, you got great experience but you are looking at your options. That way you are gone before he makes his decision before there is any damage to your career. Its not uncommon for professional firms to ship the OW out when things get tricky (you know how it works one partner calls an old buddy and says we have a talented mid level can you hire her... its the boys club and that is if you are lucky they would likely do it because there is always the possibility of a lawsuit if they fired you). Either way, you dont want to be in that position.

 

I know that is not your focus now, but its a practical consideration.

[Masoshi]

Thanks everyone, for replying to me. Sometimes it's hard to hear some blunt replies but I know I need to consider all the angles in determining what to do next.

 

I do understand what many of you are saying about being ok with less contact while he gives the M a chance. Obviously I don't like it...it hurts me and shakes me right to my core. I don't know how I can stop initiating contact, talking to him, texting, calling, etc... when that was/is something I've done every single day of my life for more than four years! My mother used to give my dad the "silent treatment" when they would have arguments and seeing that turned me the exact opposite. I have always been the same way...I have an extremely hard time cutting communication and not dealing with an issue immediately as it arises. I like to talk about issues until they are resolved. I have an extremely hard time thinking about having MM go off like this to "work on the M" because I'm just so scared of the outcome. But maybe everyone is right and in the long run, it'll be better...maybe he'll "miss" me...maybe not. But at least I'll know and I won't have to be in this limbo forever.

 

I don't want this to be the end, but I don't want to just be around as his "friend", either. I don't think I could handle that. MM and I spoke early this afternoon on the phone and I broke down, knowing what he was going to be discussing with his W tonight. I am so tired of breaking down. I have what feels like a "perma-headache" and no appetite, and it's not a good thing as I do not have a lot of weight to lose, and I have been losing weight in the past few weeks anyway because of all this. I didn't text him once the rest of the day and that is unusual for me. It was hard, and I won't text tomorrow either. I know he's going to be surprised and wonder why but maybe it really is better this way. I knew he was going to be with his kids and her today and probably with his kids tomorrow and wouldn't be able to reply to me anyway. I feel empty. I had dinner with family tonight and I try so hard to put on an act that I am fine and normal but I know my mother senses something is not right with me. I am just so afraid one day I won't be able to hold it in anymore.

 

Thanks for listening, everyone.

 

J

[BB07]

Masoshi, I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. Hugs...

 

Hon you need to go back and read your posts while trying to put some distance between your emotions and what you wrote. Try to read them as you are reading a story about someone else. I hope you can see that what you are saying comes across as slightly obsessive. Yes, I was there a long time ago.

 

For your sake and his, you've got to do the walk. From what you've said, I don't think you can handle things as they are much longer, much less if he goes back to the marriage. It's already having a very detrimental effect on you and you've got to take some control back. This is the only way you are going to get through this and keep your sanity.

 

First try to see how you are being obsessive, then you've got to come to grips with the fact that he is going back to the marriage. Let him go, you really have no choice, when it comes down to it and if you freak out and go crazy, he is done with you. Think of it, this way, you didn't have him to start with and if you try to hold on, you will choke the very thing that you want to keep. I know you are afraid letting go means losing him, but you did NOT have him to start with. When he goes, let him do what he has to do with no interference from you. Get busy with your own life, LIVE, don't just sit there and wait on him. Heal yourself and you'll be a better woman for it and if he does later pull the plug on the marriage, you'll have a cleaner slate and you'll be in a better position, stronger and wiser.

 

Psssst.....I was once in a somewhat similar position. Dating a separated man who went back to his marriage, and then we had an EA for 1 1/2 years. I eventually walked away and He later left the marriage after a few years.

 

After many years of hindsight, I truly feel that he would have left the marriage sooner of his own accord, if he and I had not had the affair. I think the affair complicated what he knew he needed to do, caused him and me a lot of additional pain and guilt, made it even more difficult for him to do what was right for him. Like you.......I was afraid to let go, but I wish I had of, for both our sakes.

[ComputerJock]

Masoshi - Did you say you divorced your H or that you are only separated? If only separated MM my feel that you are not totally committed to the Affair, IMHO.

[Posh Polly]

I think you should spend this downtime making two plans: one if he chooses you, and one if he doesn't.

 

If he does, good luck and I hope you are happy together.

 

If he doesn't I would sue him for everything he's worth, sexual harassment, the whole nine yards, and move across the country and start a new life. And try to be smarter next time!

[Masoshi]

Computer Jock - H and I are separated, but in the process of a divorce. Time requirements and all that...also the need for a legal contract to sort out custody/access.

[Posh Polly]

Oh and if he's continues on with you and nothing really changes, you deserve whatever you get.

[MorningCoffee]

Oh and if he's continues on with you and nothing really changes, you deserve whatever you get.

 

 

Uncalled for harshness, PP. Have a heart.

[jj33]

Have you given any thought to changing jobs? You have to protect yourself first. Whatever happens, this firm should be in your past.

[Ellin]

Masoshi - Did you say you divorced your H or that you are only separated? If only separated MM my feel that you are not totally committed to the Affair, IMHO.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Do you mean that she should D her H to prove to the MM that she is totally committed to the A??

 

That would be rather insane advice IMO. First of all, "comitted to the A" sounds completely wrong. It makes sense to commit to a R when the other person does the same. A excludes committment by the very nature of it.

 

I would give exactly the opposite advice. Do not D until you get some TANGIBLE reassurance that MM will do the same. That is, of course, if the reason for the D is to be with the MM, and D wouldn't happen otherwise. And, of course, if the H is prepared to give it another go and work on the marriage.

 

It would be just so unfair to expect one party of an A to give up their H or W and do all they can to prove they are "committed" to the A, while their AP is not doing the same. Especially when he had promised he would.

 

Getting a D to get an AP to commit if they're not sure about it could only have the opposite effect - it would make them think they don't have to do anything because the OW/OM is already theirs.

 

Masoshi, don't you feel angry at all about MM having encouraged you to leave your H, promised to be with you and then running back to his W?

Edited June 13, 2010 by Ellin

[Darren Steez]

hmmm MM has his cake and is eating it, all the unbearable pain..because you threw your marriage away and he's not, don't feel sorry at all, the decisions you make in life have consequences, this all didn't start from a good place and will not end well. Good luck.