tigressA Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 (edited) I think it's interesting that the sex we tend to befriend more can have an influence on how we perceive, treat and are treated by our prospects/partners in dating and relationships (if one is hetero, that is). I have a girlfriend who I'm really close with; we've been friends for almost 5 years. She says that for the most part she doesn't trust girls, thinks they're generally catty and bitchy, and bonds a lot easier with guys. She says that including me, there are only 3 girls she's really close to (and another one is her sister). She's had a few long-term relationships, was engaged once, but generally they didn't go well at all--they were very on and off, and her self-esteem took some pretty brutal beatings. In the one that was by all accounts blissful, she had betrayed the guy. In recent months, she's gotten around quite a bit, with no intention of involving herself in a relationship, but she comes to me for advice on how to deal with these "friends" of hers who she invariably ends up in bed with. My former FWB, who I'd stupidly fallen for, has mostly girl "friends", and surprise surprise, he's hooked up with many of them. He's admitted that he's insecure when it comes to dating--he "settles" for girls who aren't on the same level as he is looks-wise so that he can feel more desirable, and I bet that's why he's got such a harem around him too. His relationship record hasn't been stellar either--a lot of on and off situations, a lot of drama. I've bonded so much more easily with girls my entire life, and still do. The only truly platonic friendship I have with a guy is based mostly online now, though we went to junior high and high school together. There's no attraction there on either side and there never will be. He's basically like another girlfriend, I can even tell him when I'm having "female trouble". Most other guy "friends" I've had, there's been flirting on one or both sides, or we've hooked up. And I keep my distance from them now. When I was in relationships before, I would unwisely keep these guy "friends" around, and in one case it led me to betray someone who really loved me. Since I've begun avoiding my guy "friends", identified the reasons why I kept them around, and dealt with them, my dating life has improved A LOT. I feel as though it's a lot better when people form their closest friendship bonds with those of the same sex. In my experience, there's usually a lot less drama to deal with when you're dating. When you're in a relationship and your partner has a lot of friends, or one "best" friend who's got the same parts you do, it's really difficult to not see them as a threat. Someone who has mostly opposite-sex friends (particularly if they're attractive), IMO, tends to be more insecure with themselves and craves the ego stroke all the time. Edited June 12, 2010 by tigressA
spookie Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I'm one of those girls that bonds better with guys. It's not because I don't trust girls, and it's not because I need my go stroked constantly. Guys are just easier-going IMO, which suits me better, plus I more comfortable going over-the-top being goofy around them, which I get a big kick out of. I DO try harder to befriend girls, tho, and I do alright when I'm hanging out with them in groups. 1-1 tho, even with girls I've known for years, I start panicking thinking wtf are we going to talk about. Given the same situation with a guy, I will just fill the silence with obnoxious behavior. I have only had 2 close girlfriends in my life. Those were easily my most rewarding relationships. With the first, a girl I'd been best friends with since we were 6, we had a falling out in college which was mainly my fault. I am still thinking about how to reconcile with her one day. The other I left behind in another state, though we still talk over the phone every couple of weeks. I wish I had more gf's. I am thinking it's hard for me to form solid friendships with girls because I have brothers, not sisters, and no female cousins or other relatives I was close to. Admittedly, I have made out with most of my male friends, though it has never gone further, and rarely been a repeat experience. They are the ones who fall for me; I always know I don't want anything beyond friendship. However, all the recent guy friends have handled the rejection really well, eventually also coming around to the conclusion that we're better off as friends, and being really respectful of my relationship. No drama here.
frenchgirl Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 tigressA, while we are here to express our thoughts and none of us hold the truth, I do find that you have a very rational approach and I think your logic is entirely right. Some people may disagree with you but that's alright, too. I tend to think like you although every now and then a situation comes up that pulls me into a grey area.
frenchgirl Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Admittedly, I have made out with most of my male friends, though it has never gone further, and rarely been a repeat experience. They are the ones who fall for me; I always know I don't want anything beyond friendship. However, all the recent guy friends have handled the rejection really well, eventually also coming around to the conclusion that we're better off as friends, and being really respectful of my relationship. No drama here. Interesting paragraph. This kind of situation has happened to me in the past and while it is flattering to know that guy friends are attracted to us, I think it's also our responsibility as friends to make sure it never gets to the point of rejection. Guy friends should know very clearly that there's no possibility of physical intimacy. As friends, we should do everything we can not to hurt friends' feelings.
shadowplay Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I'm one of those girls that bonds better with guys. It's not because I don't trust girls, and it's not because I need my go stroked constantly. Guys are just easier-going IMO, which suits me better, plus I more comfortable going over-the-top being goofy around them, which I get a big kick out of. I DO try harder to befriend girls, tho, and I do alright when I'm hanging out with them in groups. 1-1 tho, even with girls I've known for years, I start panicking thinking wtf are we going to talk about. Given the same situation with a guy, I will just fill the silence with obnoxious behavior. I wish I had more gf's. I am thinking it's hard for me to form solid friendships with girls because I have brothers, not sisters, and no female cousins or other relatives I was close to. . Everything you wrote here basically describes me, especially the thing about guys being easier going. As you wrote, I tend to worry about what we'll talk about. Guys tend to be a bit more "chill." I always feel like I'm being judged around women. This may not be true, but it makes me anxious nonetheless. I know this all has to do with a series of bruising rejections I suffered from girls years ago. Before that I had never had a male friend. I don't think having just guy friends is healthy, and one of my main goals this summer has been to solve that problem. So far it hasn't been easy, though. I think women may actually be a bit harder to befriend. I'm gonna keep trying, though.
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