I do not believe I have a healthy understanding/rationalization of a relationship

[bananaboat11]

any longer.

 

After these last 2 failed relationships... 1 was 5 months. Burned. 1 was 5 weeks. Mutual split, but I don't know... she kind of wants it more now than me.

 

Anyhow... the majority of my friends tell me I'm a great guy. They're friends, what the f*ck do they know? My 2 exes my only 2 LTR (from well over a year ago and after a long break... long like the insert witty euphemism here...) told me it isn't me. I am a great guy - that's why we're still in touch. It's the women I'm choosing....

 

I WANT To believe that. I just don't.

 

And my therapist told me I sound completely normal/healthy and have a good grasp on relationships... it's that these women I'm with allude through action they need someone to lean on and suck dry of emotion while unloading their baggage to stand on their own two feet again.

 

Well...

 

Fine.

 

Can anyone recommend some good literature to check up on?

[bananaboat11]

It's like... I'm too good to women. I don't buy them gifts. I don't spend thousands of dollars. I may spend 40.00 here and 40.00 there on dates / dinner....

 

...but I try to invest myself by listening... caring... etc... etc...

 

but it just backfires. I feel like most women want to be ignored.. abused.. mistreated. and that's just not me. i can't do it.

[TouchedByViolet]

I suspect your people picker is messed up. You are attracted to and choose women who are no good for you.

[tigressA]

Yeah, and of course, now he's blaming it on how "most women" want to be mistreated. Ugh. Like we haven't heard that before...

[bananaboat11]

Yeah, and of course, now he's blaming it on how "most women" want to be mistreated. Ugh. Like we haven't heard that before...

 

 

Seriously? I'm being toyed with now. I give her the attention she craves... and she's hanging out with her ex boyfriend. She's putting off me getting my **** back, but she says she'll let me know when I came come by and get it. I just want to get it... say, "Great job. Gonna miss you. Want to start missing you as soon as possible" and leave.

[tigressA]

Then just get your stuff! You're letting her toy with you, and complaining about it.

[sagetalk]

Yeah, and of course, now he's blaming it on how "most women" want to be mistreated. Ugh. Like we haven't heard that before...

 

In fairness to the OP, I've seen the same. Sure, there are girls that love being treated well, but there are just as many that seek out guys that treat them badly (and they don't even realize it). Any guy that listens to girl's troubles, sympathizes with them, and reaches out to her on that emotional level is taking a big risk. The friend zone . It sounds like this guy got a dose of it twice. I've had my fair share as well.

 

It's why so many guys go cold towards women and turn into players/PUA, the friend-zone can make a man very bitter. The girl says how great you are (and she really means it), but you just treated her too nice or friendly. The worst part is, it is usually followed up by watching her find the first jerk that says hi and he has his way with her with little effort. That's why when a guy is friendzoned, it is very important that he cut communications so he doesn't have to see that.

 

To the OP, can you give an overview of what happened each time? I'd be interested to see how the relationships unfolded.

[sagetalk]

Seriously? I'm being toyed with now. I give her the attention she craves... and she's hanging out with her ex boyfriend. She's putting off me getting my **** back, but she says she'll let me know when I came come by and get it. I just want to get it... say, "Great job. Gonna miss you. Want to start missing you as soon as possible" and leave.

 

No, tell her that she chose a boy over a man and give her a great big smile and never contact her again. Any girl that picks another guy over you needs to be ejected out of your life. She's poison and the antidote is saying goodbye firmly but respectfully and meaning every word of it.

[TouchedByViolet]

In fairness to the OP, I've seen the same. Sure, there are girls that love being treated well, but there are just as many that seek out guys that treat them badly (and they don't even realize it). Any guy that listens to girl's troubles, sympathizes with them, and reaches out to her on that emotional level is taking a big risk. The friend zone .

 

So very true. This is a sad reality many men deal with.

 

Eitherway, a healthy and lasting relationship is not built on foundations of hurt and mistreatment. So I keep looking for a girl who wants something more than drama.

[Ruby Slippers]

Any guy that listens to girl's troubles, sympathizes with them, and reaches out to her on that emotional level is taking a big risk. The friend zone .

My last boyfriend actually encouraged me to spill my guts about what was on my mind, and it was pretty amazing. He did the same, and it let us get to know each other very well. At the same time, he was sexing me up like a champ and being the protective, provider guy in many other ways.

 

I didn't view him as just a friend for a second. In fact, I never desired a man more.

[Woggle]

Stop doing this. Most of women's drama is self inflicted and they keep going back for more so don't let her unload all her crap onto your crap. That is what her female friends or a therapist is for. Just respect yourself and be yourself and you should be fine. Expect the worst from women and one day you might be pleasently surprised but expect the best and you will feel let down time and time again.

[Crazy Magnet]

It does sound like a people picker issue. Yours just needs some fine tuning. Get your crap back, get this toxic chick out of your life and take a hiatus to calibrate your picker. After that you should be able to spot the crazy ones from the beginning and cut your losses much sooner.

[sagetalk]

My last boyfriend actually encouraged me to spill my guts about what was on my mind, and it was pretty amazing. He did the same, and it let us get to know each other very well. At the same time, he was sexing me up like a champ and being the protective, provider guy in many other ways.

 

I didn't view him as just a friend for a second. In fact, I never desired a man more.

 

Well, if a guy is having sex with the girl he obviously has lowered the chances of being friendzoned. I'm mostly talking about getting to that point. It's why so many guys just go for the sex early. After you have sex with her, you can talk about feelings and stuff and it's not nearly as risky. Unless the girl has sex with guys who she just considers friends which is an entirely different problem altogether.

[EmeraldHeart]

How do you tune up your people picker? If you are interested in someone..run the other way? If someone doesn't appeal to you, date them? lol

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, if a guy is having sex with the girl he obviously has lowered the chances of being friendzoned. I'm mostly talking about getting to that point. It's why so many guys just go for the sex early. After you have sex with her, you can talk about feelings and stuff and it's not nearly as risky. Unless the girl has sex with guys who she just considers friends which is an entirely different problem altogether.

He and I had been friends for years, but one of us had always been involved, so nothing happened. Then we finally found ourselves both single at the same time, both having come out of energy-draining relationships that had left us feeling cynical. It was then that he began to encourage the gut spilling, before we ever even kissed. And it wasn't long before he made his very bold move, which I welcomed. These very honest and intimate conversations were an ongoing part of the relationship, and we had the hottest sex I've ever had.

[paddington bear]

I think honest and intimate conversation does really, really bond two people together.

 

However, 'being there' and being the emotional dumpster for someone else is another thing entirely. My own therapist said 'oh great so he gets to dump all his emotional problems on you, and you are supposed to sit there and listen to them'. And I thought 'well....isn't that what happens in relationships? Am I not supposed to be the caring, supportive person?'

 

Now, I've realised, possibly like you, that I gravitate to emotionally messed up men, love to mother them, look after them, feel needed by them, figure them out, make them happy. Eventually though I have always got tired in the end of being an emotional crutch and when I've needed support myself the other person wasn't capable of it because I'd set the relationship dynamic to a mommy son one and not two adults in a relationship. This was entirely my own fault.

 

Possibly you are drawing a certain type of woman to you, but possibly also due to your understanding and sensitive nature, you unlease their inner emotional vampire and as soon as they realise that you will listen to them and support them, they subtly change, probably without even realising it themselves.

 

1) think about or make a list of why you were attracted to these women, did they make you feel needed and manly when you played that emotionally supportive role? Think about what traits they had in common, particularly about what drew you to them in the first place (and then when you come across these traits in future women, you will know to avoid, avoid, avoid).

 

2) When you are in a relationship, you can support them, but make sure that you draw some boundaries - when it gets beyond you as supportive boyfriend and into you as unpaid therapist territory. Once the boudary has been crossed, work out ways to put your foot down "I wish I could be of more help, but you've got to figure this one out yourself" "I think you should talk to your mom about that one". This is not being mean, it is drawing a line.

 

3) I have made the mistake of talking to men as I would my female friends, unloading my problems onto them yadda, yadda, but it makes you unsexy, you ruin the desireable vibe and men have quickly dropped me like a stone due to that (I have learned my lesson now). Likewise, perhaps by you acting like a best female friend you are, without knowing it, lessening their desire for you and so despite being and acting like you thought they wanted, you have actually shot yourself in the foot without knowing it.

[that girl]

Oh god, not the myth of the guy who is too nice to women!

 

Most women do not want to be mistreated. The handful who do are drama filled in general. Happy relationships do not involve a guy who is distant, uncaring, game playing and always looking for the woman to prove herself. The do involve two people who generally get along and show respect for each other.

 

Not every girl you date is going to want to be with you forever. Lots of girls have been in your position where they guy they liked decides to dump them, it doesn't mean they should start being manipulative bitches. Women do not make men into *******s, guys choose to be *******s because they can't handle the fact that no matter how much you like someone, you cannot make them like you back.

 

You are supposed to be caring and sympathetic to the girls you date. You're also supposed to show physical interest in them. That doesn't mean if a woman won't immediately sleep with you that you have been friendzoned. People work on different time lines when it comes to sex. One girl who is attracted to you physically and personally might be sleeping with you on the second date, another might be kissing you on the second date and showing genuine happiness to be around you but not sleep with you until the 10th date. You definately don't have to hang around for the 10th date kind of girl, but someone sleeping with you doesn't mean they like you more. You should however feel that she enjoys your company and that physically the relationships is moving towards sex.

 

It is taking the easy way out to say "I'm too nice to women, they're all bitches who want to suck you dry" rather than "Sometimes things don't work out" or "Maybe I'm drawn to drama filled women" or "Maybe I'm not as great a boyfriend as I thought."

[sagetalk]

3) I have made the mistake of talking to men as I would my female friends, unloading my problems onto them yadda, yadda, but it makes you unsexy, you ruin the desireable vibe and men have quickly dropped me like a stone due to that (I have learned my lesson now). Likewise, perhaps by you acting like a best female friend you are, without knowing it, lessening their desire for you and so despite being and acting like you thought they wanted, you have actually shot yourself in the foot without knowing it.

 

It not only makes the girl unsexy (and boy does it ), it makes the guy unsexy in the girl's mind as well. It's like a double edged sword. It does give them a female friend vibe to a guy and that's a death blow. There are guys that can pull this off, but it's far too complicated and requires more luck and skill than any normal guy is going to have.

 

If the girl has lots of other worthy guys chasing after her who are not acting like this, she will friendzone that guy in an instant. If there is no one else, then I don't really think it matters. I've never found a girl that had no other guys chasing after her, what a dream that would be .

[Morals]

He and I had been friends for years, but one of us had always been involved, so nothing happened. Then we finally found ourselves both single at the same time, both having come out of energy-draining relationships that had left us feeling cynical. It was then that he began to encourage the gut spilling, before we ever even kissed. And it wasn't long before he made his very bold move, which I welcomed. These very honest and intimate conversations were an ongoing part of the relationship, and we had the hottest sex I've ever had.

 

Hey Ruby, I know you didn't see eye to eye with me when I joined a month ago. But I would love for you to go into details on this, are you still with him? What was the "bold move" he made?

[sagetalk]

He and I had been friends for years, but one of us had always been involved, so nothing happened. Then we finally found ourselves both single at the same time, both having come out of energy-draining relationships that had left us feeling cynical. It was then that he began to encourage the gut spilling, before we ever even kissed. And it wasn't long before he made his very bold move, which I welcomed. These very honest and intimate conversations were an ongoing part of the relationship, and we had the hottest sex I've ever had.

 

This is an entirely different situation altogether. I would elaborate on this, but since it is personal, and you haven't asked for any help or my thoughts about it, I will refrain. I hope everything works out for best.

[D-Lish]

Seriously? I'm being toyed with now. I give her the attention she craves... and she's hanging out with her ex boyfriend

 

That goes back to your people picking skills. I guarantee there were red flags in this relationship that you missed or ignored.

[bananaboat11]

That goes back to your people picking skills. I guarantee there were red flags in this relationship that you missed or ignored.

 

At least I caught it in the FIRST month.

 

we're done after 5 weeks of dating/relationship

[Woggle]

Just live your live and build yourself up and in time a woman will earn her way into your life. If a woman earns your heart then she will treat it better. Giving it to some headcase who wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it were under her nose will bring you nothing but heartbreak.

[D-Lish]

At least I caught it in the FIRST month.

 

we're done after 5 weeks of dating/relationship

 

Then welcome to the world of dating my friend. When you can discern such things early on, you save yourself a lot of heartache down the road.