What is it with women and changing/training men they're with?

[Engadget]

I truly don't get it, and pretty much every woman does this and I think Jeff Foxworthy had a joke to this effect. The girl I'm seeing now does it and she's less subtle than most. Many women start with small things, and then basically have you doing everything the way they want it.

 

Stop it ladies, it's annoying.

[Shakz]

I think there are two factors at work. The first is the, for lack of a better phrase, the nesting instinct. They are building their nest and want it just so. I usually don't have a problem with that so long as they give me enough space for my little corner. The second is unrealistic expectations. I've found that women often try to date an ideal rather than a real person. When you fall short of their ideal they try to mold you so that you better fit their imaginary other. This can be indulged to a certain extent, since we all have shortcomings and some of their adjustments can be beneficial. If what they want is a completely different person, however, compromise is impossible.

[sally4sara]

HA! I can see where my husband has been "trained" by me, but if you think it doesn't go both was you're kidding yourself. I've been "trained" too.

 

I now:

Know how to fall asleep to noise.

Not say something in an argument and then leave the room.

Put Old Bay in damn near everything I cook.

Enjoy video gaming.

Not use plastic hangers for his clothes.

Not leave CDs out of their cases or put them in the wrong case.

I know way more about comic book characters than I ever needed.

Remember to close the caps on shampoo after I use them.

I drink a different brand of coffee.

Took up cycling after 16 years of not riding a bike.

Never run out of: Hot mustard, lox, and green apples.

 

I could go on, but there hasn't been a LTR I've been in where the training doesn't go both ways.

[ADF]

Had I read this post when I was 25, I would have immedaitely agreed. But now, at 40, I see things a bit differently.

 

I lot of men who complain their wives or GFs are trying to "change" them have spent most of their adult lives doing what they want, when they want and how they want without considering anyone else. That's fine if you're single. But if you plan to share a life with someone, you need to learn to compromise.

 

A man living alone might not care about leaving his dirty socks on the floor or his dirty dishes in the sink. But he cannot be a slob if he shares his living space with someone else. A man living alone might be in the habit of going out to a tavern after work and never think about calling anyone. But he cannot disappeaer for several without explanation if someone is at home waiting for him.

 

When women try to "change" men, they are usually trying to get them to stop acting as if they live alone or live unattached. Frankly, women asking men for a bit of consideration isn't unreasonable.

[Woggle]

The ironic thing is that once a woman has changed a man she no longer is attracted to what she has molded him into. A man should have a take it or leave it attitude towards women. Women trying mold into what they want us to be is part of the reason why men are having the problems we are these days, men should define who we are not women.

[Citizen Erased]

If I wanted my boyfriend to be someone else other than who he is, I'd be out there finding someone else that is like that. Who he is is the person I want, I'd hate to think I'd have anything to do with changing that.

 

Something like not leaving dirty clothes around is common courtesy and also not something only men do either. And I certainly agree that this goes both ways. My last relationship I was "trained" to do a lot of things. Like to never put onion or mushrooms in anything I ever cooked. And the art of listening to someone that likes to hear the sound of their own voice going on about cars, car racing and anything car related. And how to spend 6 hours on a Friday night watching him play Call of Duty.

 

We all give what are relatively small things when we love someone. Compromise is healthy. And necessary. When it's something big though I think it's either out of line or if it's that big a deal, what the hell are you doing with them?

[Els]

I think it's firstly because women face great pressure from society to have a perfect relationship, that our men should be treating us a certain way or else we're being played. Take these boards as an instance. A woman says, 'We spoke on the phone last night, but it was short because he was busy. Today I didn't hear from him at all. Help!'. And just you watch, half the board will go, 'He just isn't that much into you! A man who is into you will want to talk to you every day, will never forget to call you even once, will never go out with his buddies and neglect to check his phone!'.

 

A man wouldn't get the response, although that's partly because he wouldn't have posted about it in the first place. Which brings me to the second part of the answer: Because us women typically think about and analyze our relationships more, in general.

[Feelin Frisky]

I do it to them. And I dump 'em if I feel criticized because that usually turns into contempt. I won't have it. I don't bat a woman over the head and drag her by the hair into a cave. But if there are things I think she does that detract from her manner, appeal or looks, I will look for an opportunity to gently suggest some other move--like if its a garment, I'll buy her something and find a way for it to be understood to phase out the other offensive garment. (Like one girl Igot serious about had this coat that was tweed and wide collared and made her look like she was in the eith grade. There I am in a Pier Cardin blue pin stripe double breasted with a Missoni tie and maroon shoes like a feaking man and she shows up like my niece or something in that coat). I felt like people would look sideways at me for robbing the craddle. She was 27 and I 32).

 

I'm willing to take cues from females as long as it's reasonable. But for instance I drive a Mustang with a stick shift. The last woman I befriended a few months ago, made up her mind that I don't know how to drive a stick. Why? One moment of indecision in shifting. One. She hasn't a GD clue what it's like to drive a stick and I've had 3 cars in my life with sticks--never having to replace a clutch or tranny. It didn't take much more senseless prodding by her for me to press the ejector seat button. Driving a stick calls for lots of judgment based upon road grades and the absence or presence of passengers in the car which effects the weight and thus the decision to skip a gear or go linear. I didn't design the effing thing, I just have to adjust to what's what. Pissed me off after hearing her repeat that slur 4 or 5 times. See ya.

[SouthernSunshine]

Insanity is what that is! I've learned the hard way that trying to change someone is a complete waste of time. It's like banging your head up against the wall. Find someone you can accept, and be happy!

[Shakz]

I do it to them. And I dump 'em if I feel criticized because that usually turns into contempt. I won't have it. I don't bat a woman over the head and drag her by the hair into a cave. But if there are things I think she does that detract from her manner, appeal or looks, I will look for an opportunity to gently suggest some other move--like if its a garment, I'll buy her something and find a way for it to be understood to phase out the other offensive garment. (Like one girl Igot serious about had this coat that was tweed and wide collared and made her look like she was in the eith grade. There I am in a Pier Cardin blue pin stripe double breasted with a Missoni tie and maroon shoes like a feaking man and she shows up like my niece or something in that coat). I felt like people would look sideways at me for robbing the craddle. She was 27 and I 32).

 

I'm willing to take cues from females as long as it's reasonable. But for instance I drive a Mustang with a stick shift. The last woman I befriended a few months ago, made up her mind that I don't know how to drive a stick. Why? One moment of indecision in shifting. One. She hasn't a GD clue what it's like to drive a stick and I've had 3 cars in my life with sticks--never having to replace a clutch or tranny. It didn't take much more senseless prodding by her for me to press the ejector seat button. Driving a stick calls for lots of judgment based upon road grades and the absence or presence of passengers in the car which effects the weight and thus the decision to skip a gear or go linear. I didn't design the effing thing, I just have to adjust to what's what. Pissed me off after hearing her repeat that slur 4 or 5 times. See ya.

 

Maroon shoes, FF? Right on! The image of you racing down the road in your designer suit, frantically shifting gears to adjust for the wieght of nervous girl in a tweed coat biting her fingernails is quite a visual! You should be a writer.

[Major]

Good stuff:)

[lola7]

Yes, trying to change folks is for the birds. Mild behavior modification techniques should stay in a clinical trial setting. I'm a firm believer in letting people be who they are--maybe I'm just not meant to be with them, that's all. Some folks make better friends than anything else, me thinks. Anyone who thinks they can "change" someone is a lunatic. At the very least, the person will become resentful of the attempt (like you, OP?).

[D-Lish]

It depends on what someone is trying to change.

 

My ex H was chronically late for everything- and it drove me crazy. I simply began giving him times an hour earlier so he'd be on time- that way I didn't have to nag- and he'd get there when needed.

 

I am so set in my ways that trying to change some of my fundamental characteristics would be next to impossible- but if I loved someone, I'd make an effort for them.

 

It's not always as much about change as it is about compromising.

I am open to compromise if it will enrich the relationship. I am also opening to listening to my partner's concerns, and I hope my future partner will be open to the same.

 

I really think it depends on what someone is trying to change. One shouldn't expect that a meat eater go vegetarian just to accomodate the other... But other issues should certainly be open for discussion.