considering breaking-up after boyfriend gets lapdance - long post

[ma2b]

Ok, first off I just want to say I’m a very jealous, insecure person and my boyfriend has been fully aware of this.

 

 

 

He went to a friends house to catch up with his mates, and went out to pubs and nightclubs, they all decided to go to a strip club, all of this I am fine with but, when he tells me he received a lap dance, I’m not fine about it. He must know it is wrong because he then says ‘I knew I shouldn’t have told you.’ I get quite upset, and cried, a lot. His defence was that his friend paid for the dance (which I believe because I know he didn’t have the money with him to buy it himself) and he didn’t want to look stupid in front of his mates saying ‘no’ to a lap dance otherwise he would never had have got one. An hour later I’m still pretty teary and emotional (I’m 5 months pregnant, so emotions are everywhere.) He then tells me I’m really over-reacting.

 

So, now I have been thinking that I don’t want to be with this man anymore. I consider this cheating. I don’t understand why he thinks this is no big deal!!

I’m pregnant and really don’t want to be a single mum. So I guess I am hoping someone will tell me it’s perfectly okay for my partner to have a naked woman grind up against him. Or maybe I’m hoping to be told to break up with this man straight away and embrace being a single mum and everything will be ok. Or maybe we can work this out??

 

 

When I fell pregnant we had discussed our relationship and I truly believed he wouldn’t behave like this. I’ve been told all men are like this? Are they really?

When you post back to me, please tell me if you are male or female.

I really want to believe there are men out there that believe this is wrong.

[Shakz]

Sorry, but as a guy, I would say you are definitely overreacting. He explained the situation to you, he was goaded into it by his friends. Should he have done it? Maybe not. But would he have done it if not for the situation? Of course not. Therefore it hardly qualifies as cheating. How are you going to be a mother if you can't cut any slack at all?

[Els]

(Female) I don't think the most troublesome part here is the fact that he got a lapdance... but rather the fact that he went immediately into defensive mode and started making excuses, even to go so far as to say 'I knew I shouldn't have told you'. Wtf? It would have been different if he had spoken as Shakz had explained, "I know I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry, but I was goaded into it and it won't happen again." But that's hardly what he's thinking, is it? What'll happen the next time he goes out with friends?

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, first off I just want to say I’m a very jealous, insecure person and my boyfriend has been fully aware of this.

 

Ok, I will take this as reason.

Not justification.

Right....?

 

 

 

He went to a friends house to catch up with his mates, and went out to pubs and nightclubs, they all decided to go to a strip club, all of this I am fine with but, when he tells me he received a lap dance, I’m not fine about it. He must know it is wrong because he then says ‘I knew I shouldn’t have told you.’

No, he didn't think it was wrong, or else he might not have done it. The reason he said "I knew I shouldn't have told you" was because he suspected - due to your own insecuriy and jealousy - that you would over-react. This is what he was hoping to avoid.

 

I get quite upset, and cried, a lot. His defence was that his friend paid for the dance (which I believe because I know he didn’t have the money with him to buy it himself) and he didn’t want to look stupid in front of his mates saying ‘no’ to a lap dance otherwise he would never had have got one.

Yeah, losing face in front of the guys when they do something for you like this, is definitely not a good thing. It makes him look like a henpecked wuss who has no idea how to hang loose and enjoy himself....If he's never gotten himself his own lapdance like this before - then yeah, he's being honest with you. Which is pretty cool....

 

An hour later I’m still pretty teary and emotional (I’m 5 months pregnant, so emotions are everywhere.) He then tells me I’m really over-reacting.

Yes, I'd agree with him.

 

 

So, now I have been thinking that I don’t want to be with this man anymore. I consider this cheating. I don’t understand why he thinks this is no big deal!!

Because it's not. Because he's been upfront, honest and completely frank with you. he could have not told you, but he wanted to be completely transparent. he doesn't think "It's no big deal" or he would have kept his mouth shut.

But you really are off the wall with this. A little bit....

To consider leaving him for this? Please hun, get real.

if he was beating you to a pulp and bringing women home for sex on your couch, I'd see your point... But this?

Please.....

I’m pregnant and really don’t want to be a single mum. So I guess I am hoping someone will tell me it’s perfectly okay for my partner to have a naked woman grind up against him. Or maybe I’m hoping to be told to break up with this man straight away and embrace being a single mum and everything will be ok. Or maybe we can work this out??

yeah. I'd seriously consider option three.

And counselling for your jealousy and insecurity....

 

 

When I fell pregnant we had discussed our relationship and I truly believed he wouldn’t behave like this. I’ve been told all men are like this? Are they really?

yes, many are. And as he told you the reasons he went along with it, he doesn't fall into that category. Ease up hun. It's really not a whole big deal that should be considered a marriage stopper.

And yeah, maybe your pregnancy is making you a little oof-the-wall, but you need to breathe and destress...

When you post back to me, please tell me if you are male or female.

I really want to believe there are men out there that believe this is wrong.

female.

I really wouldn't make this a big deal for my partner and me, if it happened to him.

[ma2b]

wow shakz. I was really hoping to be told how wrong it was by a guy.. I just think he should be man enough to say no thanks, pretty happy with just being here and looking, without all the up close a naked stuff.

What do guys think when they get a lap dance? I'm not as attractive as these dancers, so is he thinking I wish I had a girl like that? Is he ****ing me and thinking of the chick that danced for him the night before. and yes like Elswyth said is he going to wanna **** someone next time he goes out..?

I also think its unfair you linking my being upset about my boyfriend receiving a lap dance to how good of a parent I will be.

[ma2b]

Taramaiden.. Thanks for being so honest..

Wish I could be more like you.

I thought my reaction would be common..

I've never considered my jealousy bad enough for need of counseling..

[TaraMaiden]

wow shakz. I was really hoping to be told how wrong it was by a guy..

Like I said - most guys don't think it's anything bad....

 

I just think he should be man enough to say no thanks, pretty happy with just being here and looking, without all the up close a naked stuff.

You have to judge each situation on its own merit. maybe this would just not have worked, in this situation. Look, you need to undertand, most men are carnal creatures.

What do guys think when they get a lap dance? I'm not as attractive as these dancers, so is he thinking I wish I had a girl like that? Is he ****ing me and thinking of the chick that danced for him the night before.

They probably don't think anything as profound as that. To them, it's just a thrill, something that actually enables them to not have to think about anything. When a guy's sexed up, all he's probably thinking is whether his pants are going to show a bulge.

It's nothing to do with spouses or Girlfriends. it's completely separate.

and yes like Elswyth said is he going to wanna **** someone next time he goes out..?

if you let yourself keep thinking like this - you're ultimately going to contribute to the sabotage.

I also think its unfair you linking my being upset about my boyfriend receiving a lap dance to how good of a parent I will be.

It's a fair point. How relaxed are you going to be if your child does something you find unacceptable? Take him to an orphanage?

of course not.

A parent has to be flexible and understanding, and try to compromise where possible. In the same way, you need to discuss this rationally with your guy.

[TaraMaiden]

Taramaiden.. Thanks for being so honest..

Wish I could be more like you.

I thought my reaction would be common..

I've never considered my jealousy bad enough for need of counseling..

Well, it was the very first thing you mentioned. So it must be a factor in your decision to post.

 

Look, I can see how this would upset you, but you have to take this into consideration alongside EVERYTHING you know about your BF.

 

Does he view porn?

Does he make unreasonable sexual demands on you?

has he ever cheated on you at all?

has he ever looked at other women to make you feel inadequate?

Has he ever hidden e-mails, texts, messages, letters, photos, form other women?

is he generally an all round good guy with responsibilities who treats you well?

 

if this is one incident in isolation, you have to consider how typical it is of him.

 

If there are other areas which give you cause for concern and worry, then we need to discuss the bigger picture.

But if this seems out of character (and the fact he told you might indicate that this is so) then maybe you do need to also address how light your finger is on the trigger?

 

I'm just trying to give you a balanced objective, that's all.

[Shakz]

wow shakz. I was really hoping to be told how wrong it was by a guy.. I just think he should be man enough to say no thanks, pretty happy with just being here and looking, without all the up close a naked stuff.

What do guys think when they get a lap dance? I'm not as attractive as these dancers, so is he thinking I wish I had a girl like that? Is he ****ing me and thinking of the chick that danced for him the night before. and yes like Elswyth said is he going to wanna **** someone next time he goes out..?

I also think its unfair you linking my being upset about my boyfriend receiving a lap dance to how good of a parent I will be.

 

You should give him credit for telling you at all. Most guys wouldn't. He cares about you enough to trust in your forgiveness. Now maybe not so much. Like I said, it was the situation. He didn't want to look whipped in front of his mates. Why is that so hard to understand?

 

Maybe it was unfair to link it to your ability to be a good mom, and I write off your reaction to hormones. But part of being a parent is the ability to forgive, to put your self in another's shoes, and, above all, perserverence. do you think what you posted indicates those abilities? I'm not saying you don't possess them. If I thought that, I wouldn't have responded at all. I'm just saying let them out.

[ma2b]

Does he view porn?

Does he make unreasonable sexual demands on you?

has he ever cheated on you at all?

has he ever looked at other women to make you feel inadequate?

Has he ever hidden e-mails, texts, messages, letters, photos, form other women?

is he generally an all round good guy with responsibilities who treats you well?

 

Yes, he views porn sometimes.. No unreasonable sexual demands, hasn't cheated on me, he has looked at other women, but hasn't bothered me enough to say anything about it, I can see that's normal, no hidden stuff.

I generally treats me well.. but there are def issues in our relationship which makes it all the more worse I guess.

 

I think this is just a final straw kind off thing cause of all the rest of the stress in the relationship.

 

I can't get my head around another woman turning him on.. no matter how much I try, I just cant. And I really want to, because I don't want to break up. I don't want to stay together if this is going to worry me everytime he goes out with friends

[ma2b]

Well, i have put myself in his shoes.. and while I do understand the whole man thing in front of mates.. I don't think he would've looked than silly in front of his friends?? I mean, and couldn't he put up with that for the sake of my feelings?

 

And yes, you are right, i do appreciate that he was honest with me, and he will probably not be so in the future if we do stay together.. So, yeah I've probably already ruined it anyway.

 

And the whole me being a good parent thing.. I'd really rather not discuss that right now..

[TaraMaiden]

Not all men are turned on by this.

That's my point. Guys who do it out of choice, do it for that reason. If he was coerced into doing it, I would say it wan't erotic for him. Did he tell you he was turned on by it?

 

look, if you have other issues with him, this is something maybe the both of you should address in counselling together. But if I may say so, if there were other issues before, and this is the straw that broke the back - is this any good, healthy or legitimate frame of mind to be in, by adding to the mess and bringing a baby into it?

What made either of you think it would be a good idea to create this indelible link between you?

Whatever happens now, you are stuck with each other.

Right?

[ma2b]

we've been together nearly 3 years. and 6 months ago before I got pregnant, things were fine. We were in love and I had no worries about other women, strippers or whoever. We'd discussed strip clubs way in the past and he'd been to a few of them. Said he didnt enjoy the experience and would probably never go to one again let alone get a lapdance... About 3 months ago there was an incident where he was describing a lap dance he had a few years ago to a friend infront of me, he was talking about it like it was great, saying about how her body was right up in his face. I explained to him then how those comment really upset me, especially wth me standing right there, i felt embarrassed in front of his friend and he was like yeah, who cares it's just a stripper.

I feel like his saying about being infront of his friends is an excuse. It's in my gut.. I feel he would have a lap dance, whether his friends were encouraging him or not.

 

Anyway... Thanks for the help..

[TaraMaiden]

Was this before he met you?

 

Really, I think you need to look at how you guys are drifting.

This is not a good way to begin a long-term relationship with a child in the middle.

Maybe he needs to develop respect for you, and you need to develop trust for him.

And you both have to communicate better.

[sweetjasmine]

Like I said - most guys don't think it's anything bad....

 

I don't understand this justification, or the "I was goaded into it" one.

 

If my friends 'goaded' me into making out with some random guy at a club, it would still hurt my SO, and I'd still be an insensitive jerk crossing a line for doing it.

 

If my friends goaded me into stripping down to a thong and giving a strange man a lap dance for $20, my SO would still be hurt by it, and I would still be crossing a boundary in his eyes.

 

What if someone's friends goad them into full-blown cheating? Is that an excuse? After all, men are carnal creatures who are completely distracted by the bulge in their pants and can't think logically when they're sexed up.

 

Look, you need to undertand, most men are carnal creatures.

 

Therefore it's okay for them to have a woman in a thong sit on their lap and rub up against them when their SO is not okay with it?

 

Is it okay for women to give out lap dances then and get defensive if their SO doesn't like it?

 

When a guy's sexed up, all he's probably thinking is whether his pants are going to show a bulge.

 

Well, good thing all he's thinking about is his penis and not whether he's having sexual contact that his SO might find inappropriate, with another person.

 

I think OP is overreacting by thinking of leaving, but what he did obviously crossed a line for her. That's unacceptable no matter how much he was goaded by friends and no matter how much men "think with their d-cks."

[ma2b]

the lap dance he was describing. Yes it was about a year before he met me. This is the first time he has been to a strip club since being together. The only other incident where I got rather jealous was when we watched a live stage show and we had a waitress dressed in skimpy gear for the night and he made quite a few comments about her i didnt appreciate, but i didnt cry over that or consider breaking up...

[ma2b]

Thanks sweet jasmine, its so good to know someone else thinks its wrong..

I appreciate everyones honest answers though, it does make me think from his point of view.

I think if he can agree not to have any lap dances we would be fine.. but he already knew how I felt about them and still went ahead and got one.. and it actually cost australian 100 dollars... which i think includes touching from what he said.. that makes it worse right?

[TaraMaiden]

So where exactly do you feel the problem lies, now?

What's this REALLY all about?

 

I mean Really, huh?

[ma2b]

Well.. I could deal with the comments he may make that I dont like. A lot of our issues are money related but we had a big talk and did a budget about a week before this happened and things were going okay....

 

This is really about this lap dance.. yes i already had jealousy issues. but nothing that even made me consider breaking up.. I do feel like im over reacting now because you guys have really made me feel like a sook..

 

But at the same time I really think its wrong he got that lap dance. I wish he could see how I see it. I cant stand the thought of it.. I watched some lap dances on you tube and couldnt believe my guy was that close with another woman.. and these youtube videos would have been tame to what he would have received!!

 

He's get plenty of sex from me, and i thought sex was pretty good with us.. so I dont understand.

 

What is this really about.. it about the lap dance..

[TaraMaiden]

How would it be if you showed him the thread?

Would writing him a letter put your point across?

 

See, with your first post, and launching into the 'jealous and insecure' thing first, it kind of gave the impression this was the one and only big deal.

Not it turns out there are other little niggly bits, and this has kinda blindsided you and cracked your veneer....

 

The lapdance on its own, wouldn't actually really, ultimately be such a huge issue. Would it?

But taking the whole thing as a bundle - there's stuff to see to here.

I get that.

 

Would putting this all down on paper, and letting him see how this is affecting you, work?

Trying to not be too emotive, but putting it forward as a straight explanation and clarification?

Would that help, do you think?

You're articulate, and you've obviously followed this, anf thought things through.....

[sweetjasmine]

I think TM's suggestion is great.

 

You said that he knew it bothered you but he did it anyway. Is that what's making you so upset? If he had never had a lap dance before and didn't know how you felt about it, do you think it would have bothered you as much?

[ma2b]

haha..when I posted this, I was hoping to get a lot of replies saying 'that a-hole, you ought to get rid of him, what's he has done, is sooo wrong' and then I was going to show him... But then you a shaks replied and kind of ruined that for me...

 

Maybe I will show him this thread. Maybe I will write him a letter. Even though I thought we were much the same before I was pregnant, I now realise we are very different.

 

We like different music, movies, food.. The worst differences is our money spending differences, which we are improving on. Now he sees this lap dance thing the way you see it, harmless fun.

 

But I see it as extremely upsetting and something that will be in the back of my mind all the time. I am constantly going to think I'm not good enough and that I don't satisfy him....

[ma2b]

No, it wouldn't have bothered me if he didn't really know what a lap dance was and didn't think I would care. So yes, the fact he knew I would be upset and the fact he knew what close, sexual contact a lap dance involved is what bothers me.

[TaraMaiden]

haha..when I posted this, I was hoping to get a lot of replies saying 'that a-hole, you ought to get rid of him, what's he has done, is sooo wrong' and then I was going to show him... But then you a shaks replied and kind of ruined that for me...

....sorry...

 

Maybe I will show him this thread. Maybe I will write him a letter. Even though I thought we were much the same before I was pregnant, I now realise we are very different.

No.

I would guess the signals were there. But you either didn't see them, or you mis-read them. you might even have tried ignoring them....

It's amazing what a hormonal shift does.

I call my PMS week "Truth time." The rest of the month I'm tactful, restrained and diplomatic. I don't rock the boat.

But come the "Red Zone", I see it like it is, tell it like it is - and really express what's really there.....pregnancy does much the same thing....

 

We like different music, movies, food.. The worst differences is our money spending differences, which we are improving on. Now he sees this lap dance thing the way you see it, harmless fun.

I SAW it as harmless fun. since you filled in the missing jigsaw pieces, I think an all-round clearer picture is emerging, isn't it?

 

But I see it as extremely upsetting and something that will be in the back of my mind all the time. I am constantly going to think I'm not good enough and that I don't satisfy him....

Ok, now hold on.

You're being completely unreasonable with yourself.

These lapdancers usually go through an audition.

They have to pass a visual test. They're not going to purt anyone on that stage that will turn punters away. So yes, sure, they're pretty, and good to look at.

but hang on - there are millions of "ordinary women" out there, who have husbands, and don't have jobs as lap dancers.... me included....

And I'm short, a little overweight and in my 50's. I have a guy who loves me.

 

If you think you're not good enough and that you don't satisfy him - that's a lie and a whole different story you're weaving in your head.

to what end?

How does that strengthen you?

How does that underpin your importance, in your eyes and his?

Don't do that to yourself.

His going to a lap dance club, is one issue.

you lying to yourself, and creating different dramas in your head is not productive, and is a different ball game. Don't make the two compatibly entwined.

They're not.

[Shakz]

Thanks sweet jasmine, its so good to know someone else thinks its wrong..

I appreciate everyones honest answers though, it does make me think from his point of view.

I think if he can agree not to have any lap dances we would be fine.. but he already knew how I felt about them and still went ahead and got one.. and it actually cost australian 100 dollars... which i think includes touching from what he said.. that makes it worse right?

 

Now, see there's a problem. When you said lap-dance I was thinking of $20 dollar table dance in which she dances on and around you and does not touch you deliberately. This is mostly entertainment. A $100 lap dance is something else entirely. I think this is over the line.