Kiss from Ex

[redpoppy]

To all you Guys who have replied to my posts, I want to say thanks to all of you for your time and your thoughts on my Exes sudden kisses. Everyone has busy lives these days so i'm fully aware that to reply to a post takes time, especially if you have to read the story from the beginning, so my appreciation is being sent to you all and i hope you are all getting into a better place with your lives. I so understand all of your replies and agree with what you all say. This is 'my time' now for me to make a new life for myself and concentrate on him less and me more. I just hope he's fully happy as then this has not all been in vain. There is something wonderful which has come out of all of this and that is that i love myself at long last and no longer carry the burden of what others inflicted on me in my past or blame myself for those burdens. I've been helping to write a book on ocd from a sufferers prospective and help my daughter who suffers with it too. I hope that his kisses mean he respects and admires me. Thank you all for listening..... Pops

[tojaz]

To all you Guys who have replied to my posts, I want to say thanks to all of you for your time and your thoughts on my Exes sudden kisses. Everyone has busy lives these days so i'm fully aware that to reply to a post takes time, especially if you have to read the story from the beginning, so my appreciation is being sent to you all and i hope you are all getting into a better place with your lives. I so understand all of your replies and agree with what you all say. This is 'my time' now for me to make a new life for myself and concentrate on him less and me more. I just hope he's fully happy as then this has not all been in vain. There is something wonderful which has come out of all of this and that is that i love myself at long last and no longer carry the burden of what others inflicted on me in my past or blame myself for those burdens. I've been helping to write a book on ocd from a sufferers prospective and help my daughter who suffers with it too. I hope that his kisses mean he respects and admires me. Thank you all for listening..... Pops

 

Good for you Pops exactly what I wanted to hear. What ever his deal is will reveal itself in time, you cant go wrong working on you though. Best of luck girl.

 

TOJAZ

[2sunny]

Hi RedPoppy - I have to agree with 2Sunny here....you let him.

 

Draw a line in the sand....if you don't, the rest will be torture for you thinking that his knowing your issues will change things. That is not always the case...in their minds, the ones who have moved on, it only provides validation. Find your own happiness now that you are working through your issues. What was simply was...what is the future is what you make it. You are a magnificent and amazing woman, never think anything other than that and you will attract the right people to your life...not what was the past, but what will be your future. Much luck to you hun...you deserve better.

 

I hope that his kisses mean he respects and admires me. Thank you all for listening..... Pops[/QUOTE]

 

it may actually mean he is disrespecting you - and you are allowing him to.

 

why don't you ask him EXACTLY what his intentions are when he does it? it may just be to stroke his ego - to see if you will still give in to him - without any intention of anything other than to take your self respect when he does it.

 

ask.

[redpoppy]

Hi Guys. Well the ex has been giving me the kisses goodby when we meet up and then he went away to turkey on holiday with ow and has just returned and brought me back a gift of turkish delight. Now he did this from the start, when we were still married but then when we divorced he stopped but has now started again???

[tojaz]

Hi Pops, I wouldn't read to much into the gift. You told him how you feel and he just came back from holiday........ with ow! It may just be a gift. I still say shut down the kisses and tell him you reserve that for romantic interests only. Then its up to him to show his hand what he wants to be. At the very least, you will not have the constant doubt as to his intentions each time you see him.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Hi Guys. Well the ex has been giving me the kisses goodby when we meet up and then he went away to turkey on holiday with ow and has just returned and brought me back a gift of turkish delight. Now he did this from the start, when we were still married but then when we divorced he stopped but has now started again???

 

Hi Redpoppy - Good to hear from you again but it's a shame this is still dragging on for you. Maybe he is just being nice, maybe he is seeing you in a new light....the fact is, he is still with the OW.

 

I would give it no more thought than that really, the rest will just play with your mind and not give you the chance to heal from your marriage.

[amac]

Hey...In my humble opinion he bought you a gift 'cos he's thinking about you. Could be feeling gulity that he's had a nice time...but...still thinking about you. My ex did the same thing. Bought me a 'black pudding' from his hols with OW. I ****ing love black pudding. This stuff is the best in the world. Still binned it. He was gutted when I told him. What a twat.

[redpoppy]

Well today when we 'bumped' he couldn't even look at me and i was not going to look at him or direct any conversation his way either. I was just there and wasn't going to go running home before he got there and make a big deal out of it. Anyhow he went off into other room without a word and then when we all ended up in there due to a commotion from the kids he asked me about my poorly foot. He came over for his kiss when leaving and i let him have it. If it means nothing to him then it won't mean nothing to me. But if we are trying to be amicable, why the not being able to look me in the eye or talk to me? I just don't get him at all.

[tojaz]

Hi Pops, your probably not going to get it, he probably doesn't get it himself. My advice remains the same, the kisses trouble you, so seperate yourself from them.

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Thanks Guys. I will continue with my life and probably continue to wonder because it's very hard not to. However, the wondering doesn't change a thing, i'm still getting stronger and wiser all the time (I hope) Tojaz, i think you may have hit the nail on the head there. I don't think he does know what he's doing or why, i really don't. His road is his road though and mine is mine. I'm sure i will be popping back with more wonderings and perplexed musings as to his behaviour and i'm going to try and move my head for a cheek kiss next time he comes for the lips.

[tojaz]

Thanks Guys. I will continue with my life and probably continue to wonder because it's very hard not to. However, the wondering doesn't change a thing, i'm still getting stronger and wiser all the time (I hope) Tojaz, i think you may have hit the nail on the head there. I don't think he does know what he's doing or why, i really don't. His road is his road though and mine is mine. I'm sure i will be popping back with more wonderings and perplexed musings as to his behaviour and i'm going to try and move my head for a cheek kiss next time he comes for the lips.

 

Very good Pops. Your roads may very well cross again some day, but thats not going to happen until he can define what it is that HE wants. I like the cheek kiss idea. When he asks (and he will) be sure to tell him why.

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Thanks Tojaz. Not so sure he will ask why, if i turn my cheek when he goes for the lips, cos we don't seem to communicate too well lately but he will sure as heck notice as his actions are very controlled and deliberate. Onwards and upwards as they say. So how are you doing? Pops

[tojaz]

You don't communicate well because your the only one communicating. Be deliberate in your action and he will surely ask. You said yourself that it has been your routine and when you break it, he will take notice. Much like his actions had an effect on you so will yours. It may not be right at that moment, but setting that boundry will get you some of the answers your looking for..... and put you at a little bit of peace just knowing that you have taken back that bit of power for yourself.

 

Me? thanks for asking. All I can say is that the rollercoaster rolls on and on and on. Hoping to put some of it into words at some point and share it, but at the moment not so well. As I have said many times, when i am at my worst, i give LS my best and i have been spending a lot of time here lately.

 

Be well Pops

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Hate to hear you're not doing so well right now Tojaz. It's not easy is it but it's meant to make us stronger, make us wiser and make us better for the next time around....... or at least that's what I like to think.

 

The kisses have only just started so not sure they are a routine but maybe they are now they've happened about 7 or 8 times. If he didn't do it i would feel left out and yet that's taking crumbs. I know full well that he will not ask why i have turned my cheek cos he's a stubborn b****** and would not give me the satisfaction of knowing i had upset him, no way, he never did back when he was going through hell, so he's not likely to now. I realise he wants to be in control, might be because for so long, i was. I was the one calling all the shots back when it all first started and I'm sure he hated that. I also wonder if i should buy him a present when i go to america soon on my holiday like he did for me???

 

Life eh, relationships, love, hurt, wounds, resentment and non communication!!!! eeeurgh

 

Keep walking forwards and make decisiions based on all the knowledge that you have and that are right for you. :-)

[redpoppy]

Hate to hear you're not doing so well right now Tojaz. It's not easy is it but it's meant to make us stronger, make us wiser and make us better for the next time around....... or at least that's what I like to think.

 

The kisses have only just started so not sure they are a routine but maybe they are now they've happened about 7 or 8 times. If he didn't do it i would feel left out and yet that's taking crumbs. I know full well that he will not ask why i have turned my cheek cos he's a stubborn b****** and would not give me the satisfaction of knowing i had upset him, no way, he never did back when he was going through hell, so he's not likely to now. I realise he wants to be in control, might be because for so long, i was. I was the one calling all the shots back when it all first started and I'm sure he hated that. I also wonder if i should buy him a present when i go to america soon on my holiday like he did for me???

 

Life eh, relationships, love, hurt, wounds, resentment and non communication!!!! eeeurgh

 

Keep walking forwards and make decisiions based on all the knowledge that you have and that are right for you. :-)

[redpoppy]

ooooops posted twice

Edited October 2, 2010 by redpoppy
posted twice

[tojaz]

Hate to hear you're not doing so well right now Tojaz. It's not easy is it but it's meant to make us stronger, make us wiser and make us better for the next time around....... or at least that's what I like to think.

 

Yes it is Pops, Still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm starting over from scratch after Promising forever to one person. A strange thought that i would be able to give that to someone else, unfortunately as we all know, it happens all the time around here.

 

The kisses have only just started so not sure they are a routine but maybe they are now they've happened about 7 or 8 times. If he didn't do it i would feel left out and yet that's taking crumbs. I know full well that he will not ask why i have turned my cheek cos he's a stubborn b****** and would not give me the satisfaction of knowing i had upset him, no way, he never did back when he was going through hell, so he's not likely to now. I realise he wants to be in control, might be because for so long, i was. I was the one calling all the shots back when it all first started and I'm sure he hated that. I also wonder if i should buy him a present when i go to america soon on my holiday like he did for me???

 

Life eh, relationships, love, hurt, wounds, resentment and non communication!!!! eeeurgh

 

Keep walking forwards and make decisiions based on all the knowledge that you have and that are right for you. :-)

 

Pops, if he is playing games and its all about control, then thats all the more reason to back away.

 

I see 3 scenarios Pops

 

1. The kisses are innocent to him and mean nothing.

In which case they do mean something to you and stopping them will keep you from hurting and asking those questions over and over.

 

2. The kisses do mean something but hes a coward or confused to act.

In that case, he would either have to act or leave you be, it puts him in "control" but forces him to take it if he wants it, all sounds very confusing but basicly he has to make a choice

 

3. He saw the effect he had on you and now it is a control game

In that case, its just going to hurt you all the more to let them continue.

 

Just my two scents, but I see 3 different scenarios and only one solution. Go ahead and get him a small gift if you like, although I couldn't imagine why you would want to visit here? Enjoy your time in the states Pops.

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Tojaz you are so sensible and yes he likes being in control. When i text him once due to the kisses and suggested meeting to talk that was me taking power but he said it would be inappropriate so hence he got the control back. It's ok cos i'm not the type to want to be in control most of the time but i do like fairness and our relationship was built on both of us taking each other into consideration. Not sure he's doing that right now with the kisses. He could kiss me on the cheek to show a certain 'I've moved on' and happy with someone else but he chooses the kiss to be right slap bang on the lips and i guess that makes him feel powerful because he knows i still love him. Anyhow i'm rambling. I read somewhere that we choose the people we like but we don't choose the people we fall in love with. Very true. If you knew how many men i had dated since my split and how i had wished i could fall in love with them, only to feel nothing but wanting to keep them at arms length or just as friends. No va va voom, no pull, no nothing! I'm guessing that his new partner is oblivious to his kissing me goodbye on the lips and even if it means nothing, she wouldn't think of it that way i'm sure, so either he's lying to himself or he really is insensitive which i know him not to be. All very puzzling.

 

I have a sis who lives in america hence my visit soon and i love visiting cos it's all very different to england i guess but i wouldn't want to live over there for sure.

 

It sure does hurt when you give your everything to someone and then they no longer want it. Try to think of it as, they didn't deserve it and you will find better. That's what i keep trying to keep in my head. :-)

[tojaz]

Tojaz you are so sensible and yes he likes being in control. When i text him once due to the kisses and suggested meeting to talk that was me taking power but he said it would be inappropriate so hence he got the control back. It's ok cos i'm not the type to want to be in control most of the time but i do like fairness and our relationship was built on both of us taking each other into consideration. Not sure he's doing that right now with the kisses. He could kiss me on the cheek to show a certain 'I've moved on' and happy with someone else but he chooses the kiss to be right slap bang on the lips and i guess that makes him feel powerful because he knows i still love him. Anyhow i'm rambling. I read somewhere that we choose the people we like but we don't choose the people we fall in love with. Very true. If you knew how many men i had dated since my split and how i had wished i could fall in love with them, only to feel nothing but wanting to keep them at arms length or just as friends. No va va voom, no pull, no nothing! I'm guessing that his new partner is oblivious to his kissing me goodbye on the lips and even if it means nothing, she wouldn't think of it that way i'm sure, so either he's lying to himself or he really is insensitive which i know him not to be. All very puzzling.

 

Well your right Pops you don't really get to choose who you love, it seems strange to say, but its the truth. On paper me and my ex would probably not be mentioned in the same sentence, but even if it wasn't forever, for a lot of years we were a couple many other couples were jealous of. How people come together is almost as random as how they split up.

 

You may never know what hes thinking Pops, thats the sad truth. All I can say is that it DOES mean something to him. Thats why he chooses to continue despite you telling him how you feel and how is SO may feel about it. What it means is anybodies guess.

 

I have a sis who lives in america hence my visit soon and i love visiting cos it's all very different to england i guess but i wouldn't want to live over there for sure.

 

Well, depending on where you will be visiting there are some beautiful places in autumn, but yet quite different to the UK. Always wanted to see England and actually came quite close to going last year, but thats another story all together.

 

Enjoy

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Tojaz thanks, as always a pleasure to hear from you. Yes i do believe the kiss and present means something or else why would he have chosen to start it. As far as i'm aware, men don't do what they don't want to do, especially with exes, you're either just friends with a past, i.e. friendly but with boundaries or else you have some remaining feelings you don't always know how to deal with. In my case a third party being the stumbling block. I remember once meeting with him when it was still 'appropriate' he was with her but hadn't decided to start the divorce and he said to me 'how can you forgive me what i've done, at the first row you will throw it all back in my face' I guess that statement tells me he does feel guilt about going off with her,, whilst we both didn't know what was going on. I'm listening to 'There's a Place in the Sun' and it's for us all to find our place in the sun, wherever it may be. I hope you find yours Tojaz, as i hope i find mine.

 

West Palm Beach is my destination in a couple of weeks. Can't wait to spend some leisurely and pleasurable time with my sis, few bottles of wine, dvds, trips to shops, meals out and good ole goss about life. She's single too and has never found the 'right man'. As the song i'm listening to says, 'there's hope for everyone' and that's what we have to hold onto and remember when we're missing the ones we love. England is beautiful in the autumn, so much history and i just love it here and have so much still to see. Take care and thank you for your time. Pops

[redpoppy]

So now not content to wish me happy birthday with a kiss on the lips the day before my big day - it was a big one this year groan groan, he also text me first thing and added a kiss, something he's never done before and he also got me a jokey card and another kiss hmmm he certainly wants to be friendly doesnt he!!

[tojaz]

So now not content to wish me happy birthday with a kiss on the lips the day before my big day - it was a big one this year groan groan, he also text me first thing and added a kiss, something he's never done before and he also got me a jokey card and another kiss hmmm he certainly wants to be friendly doesnt he!!

 

:bunny::bunny: HAPPY BIRTHDAY POPS! :bunny::bunny:

A big one? Let me guess 18 right?

 

Dont worry yourself with what hes thinking pops. Look at it this way, if he is thinking something good, its not going to mean much if he doesn't say it, and you deserve to hear it. Otherwise, just ignore his games, or they will just continue.

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Hahaha Tojaz - 18 - yeah right!! I know i shouldn't pay any of it any attention but it's very difficult not to. I'm flying to your part of the world tomorrow and i guess he found out from our daughter and i've just received a text wishing me a happy holiday. What games is he playing do you think? Is he just being friendly or is he fishing or is he keeping me hanging on? I wish i could spend 5 minutes inside his head!!! Pops

[tojaz]

Hahaha Tojaz - 18 - yeah right!! I know i shouldn't pay any of it any attention but it's very difficult not to. I'm flying to your part of the world tomorrow and i guess he found out from our daughter and i've just received a text wishing me a happy holiday. What games is he playing do you think? Is he just being friendly or is he fishing or is he keeping me hanging on? I wish i could spend 5 minutes inside his head!!! Pops

 

Ok must be 21 then.

 

I'll tell you the truth Pops, when you want something so badly, it is very easy to see things that aren't there and attribute meaning to something that may not mean much to him. For a long time my ex fed me crumbs. Not much, but enough for her to stay in my head.

 

He may just be being friendly, he may be keeping you on the line, Chances are its a little of both even though he may not even know that for himself. I would just assume it is meant innocently and act in kind. He knows where your head is at, if he wants more its time for him to stop playing games and say so.

 

Right now your giving him a lot of power, time to take some of that back Pops.

 

Enjoy your time in the states!

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

It's hot here in the State of Florida and i'm ready to relax and get away from things backhome. How are you doing Tojaz?