Kiss from Ex

[redpoppy]

ok, so i didn't get the letter wrote. The wording seemed hyper sensitive and i kept changing the way i wrote it! Anyhow last week i had to be where i knew he was going to be as i was taking care of the grandchildren from school and this time i was the one who initiated the kiss goodbye on the lips. Why not i thought - i'm his equal. Then yesterday, i put myself again where i knew he was going to be but i stayed outside away from him due to him acting all cool that i was even there. Made me feel like a stalker lol anyway i scarpered outside to let him know i wasn't stalking him and then he came out into the garden to kiss me goodbye when he went on! I'm thinking this is playing on my mind now so i need to take action. I've decided to text him and ask for a meet up to 'talk' with no hidden agenda, no expectations, no pressure just a relaxed as we can 'talk' I will let you know what happens. P.S.Do you guys think this is proactive and empowered of me - cos i do. Pops

[tojaz]

ok, so i didn't get the letter wrote. The wording seemed hyper sensitive and i kept changing the way i wrote it! Anyhow last week i had to be where i knew he was going to be as i was taking care of the grandchildren from school and this time i was the one who initiated the kiss goodbye on the lips. Why not i thought - i'm his equal. Then yesterday, i put myself again where i knew he was going to be but i stayed outside away from him due to him acting all cool that i was even there. Made me feel like a stalker lol anyway i scarpered outside to let him know i wasn't stalking him and then he came out into the garden to kiss me goodbye when he went on! I'm thinking this is playing on my mind now so i need to take action. I've decided to text him and ask for a meet up to 'talk' with no hidden agenda, no expectations, no pressure just a relaxed as we can 'talk' I will let you know what happens. P.S.Do you guys think this is proactive and empowered of me - cos i do. Pops

 

I think its fantastic, and yes very empowered! Keep us posted and wishing you luck Pops!

 

TOJAZ

[Corporate]

Let us know how it turns out.

[cavedweller]

redpoppy,

 

(his actions)

 

Is he just being a friendly ex?---no

 

Or, is it more?----yes

 

my 2 cents

[redpoppy]

I plucked up the courage and sent the text and told him i was being honest and open and that the kisses were nice and was it a sign we can communicate one day? A drink maybe? a belated one for you or an early one for me? I sent it and felt empowered by it but his reply was this:-

"Hope we can always talk to each other and say goodbye with a kiss if needs be don't think a drink would be appropriate only in company Take care.

Guess his kisses didn't mean nothing after all and now i feel like a proper nit. Haven't replied but his hope we can always talk to each other is a laugh, it's so hard to know what to say and the kiss ahem no there is no needs be if it don't mean a damn thing to you. He's obviously not even wanting me as 'affair' material eeurgh i didn't mean it to sound like that. Not too sure what to do. Message him back saying i wasn't offering him an affair or be there on Wednesday for another goodbye kiss or stay away from him in future and just keep plodding along with my life as i was before the start of the kisses.......

[Butterflair]

I would suggest to plod on with your life and stop the kisses. They are only bringing doubt in your head. I wouldn't want my ex to kiss me. A hug is enough and sometimes that's too much. I wouldn't text back either. Just let it go.

[tojaz]

I plucked up the courage and sent the text and told him i was being honest and open and that the kisses were nice and was it a sign we can communicate one day? A drink maybe? a belated one for you or an early one for me? I sent it and felt empowered by it but his reply was this:-

"Hope we can always talk to each other and say goodbye with a kiss if needs be don't think a drink would be appropriate only in company Take care.

Guess his kisses didn't mean nothing after all and now i feel like a proper nit. Haven't replied but his hope we can always talk to each other is a laugh, it's so hard to know what to say and the kiss ahem no there is no needs be if it don't mean a damn thing to you. He's obviously not even wanting me as 'affair' material eeurgh i didn't mean it to sound like that. Not too sure what to do. Message him back saying i wasn't offering him an affair or be there on Wednesday for another goodbye kiss or stay away from him in future and just keep plodding along with my life as i was before the start of the kisses.......

 

Sorry to hear that Poppy.

 

If it were me, I dont think I would avoid him as he is a very important part of your life, but I would set some boundries to avoid being hurt, such as no kissing and such, and dont be afraid to respectfully explain why.

 

Once again Pops, sorry it didn't work out like you had hoped. Your a very smart and caring woman though, the next guy is going to be a very lucky man!!!

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Thanks Butterflair and Tojaz. I'm still reeling. Why would he continue to kiss me goodbye on the lips after i told him i love admire and respect him if he was happy in his other relationship and didn't want me back? He should have not done the kissing. It was wrong. He is wrong. Do you think he is stoking his ego?

[Corporate]

Do you think he is stoking his ego?

 

Definately. Stop contact with him for two weeks, he will be fishing for another sign.

[redpoppy]

Well i've decided that for now and the immediate future, i need to protect myself and that means i can't be seeing him and pretending that i'm fine and happy. I'm just fed up with doing all that now, 5 years is enough for anybody, so i will be avoiding him and not wondering what he's thinking because he will notice sure as eggs is eggs! I have to build up my self esteem and if it doesn't make me happy, not do it and seeing him makes me unhappy so for now that is how it has to be for my own sanity. I will be reading all the books on self help out there and working hard to let him go. Thanks to everyone who offered their support to me during this recent setback. Good luck and best wishes to you all Pops

[2sunny]

you know it's wrong.

 

if you wonder - while he's with you, call his girlfriend and ask her point blank if she gives her approval for him texting you sweet nothings and kissing you.

 

that ought to tell you if it's ok or not.

[tojaz]

Thanks Butterflair and Tojaz. I'm still reeling. Why would he continue to kiss me goodbye on the lips after i told him i love admire and respect him if he was happy in his other relationship and didn't want me back? He should have not done the kissing. It was wrong. He is wrong. Do you think he is stoking his ego?

YES!

 

Well i've decided that for now and the immediate future, i need to protect myself and that means i can't be seeing him and pretending that i'm fine and happy. I'm just fed up with doing all that now, 5 years is enough for anybody, so i will be avoiding him and not wondering what he's thinking because he will notice sure as eggs is eggs! I have to build up my self esteem and if it doesn't make me happy, not do it and seeing him makes me unhappy so for now that is how it has to be for my own sanity. I will be reading all the books on self help out there and working hard to let him go. Thanks to everyone who offered their support to me during this recent setback. Good luck and best wishes to you all Pops

 

Good for you Pops! Protect yourself first. If youd like a suggestion for your first book, I'd start with "Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughn it answered a lot of questions for me.

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Hi again. Well i agonised over my decision to stay right away from him and then decided after much thought that if i did that then i was running away from dealing with it and that is what i've always done and what got me here in the first place! So today i faced him and told him i hadn't meant the text quite like it sounded that i wasn't asking for an affair or a date i wouldn't be so presumptious. I respect him and myself too much for that. He said it had put him in a difficult situation. Maybe he backed away after starting something he didn't want to see through or wasn't ready to or wasn't sure after doing it once how to then stop doing it. Anyway i will be reading all the books i can - thanks Tojaz 'Uncoupling' being one of them and John Gray's Starting Over being another and I will continue to look after myself and be the best person i can be and enjoy what i can of my life and where it is right now. I'm feeling quite proud of myself and will just take life as it comes..........Thanks very much guys, I'm sure i will be back lol Pops

[redpoppy]

Hi Guys, well i stayed right away from where i knew he would be and i knew that he would notice. In that time he did not ask about me or ask where i was which seems strange if we are 'friends' as he suggests. Anyway today i bumped into him again and when he went on - guess what, yes another kiss goodbye on the lips (the ones that are given when appropriate i guess!!!!!) How can he think it's ok or appropriate to give his ex wife a kiss goodbye on the lips when he stays with the other woman and when he knows the ex wife still loves him.......

[habs53]

When my wife first left i kissed her on the lips. She tryed a little to turn her head but there was not much effort. She was glowing afterwards.

After that long of a relationship, i think its impossible to lose all feeling.

[You Go Girl]

When my wife first left i kissed her on the lips. She tryed a little to turn her head but there was not much effort. She was glowing afterwards.

After that long of a relationship, i think its impossible to lose all feeling.

 

A kiss on the lips = a taste of that you no longer have.

 

Just keep being his 'friend'.

Should the door open one day to more than that, he won't be living with another woman. For now, that door is closed, and it might never open. However, it doesn't matter if it never is a romance between the two of you again because you are a better you --so just keep plugging along and doing the things to make you happy, healthy, and loving life!

You haven't lost him. He still loves you. You still love him. It may never be a romance again, but you haven't lost each other.

Congrats on not losing each other. Most couples do.

[tojaz]

Hi again. Well i agonised over my decision to stay right away from him and then decided after much thought that if i did that then i was running away from dealing with it and that is what i've always done and what got me here in the first place! So today i faced him and told him i hadn't meant the text quite like it sounded that i wasn't asking for an affair or a date i wouldn't be so presumptious. I respect him and myself too much for that. He said it had put him in a difficult situation. Maybe he backed away after starting something he didn't want to see through or wasn't ready to or wasn't sure after doing it once how to then stop doing it. Anyway i will be reading all the books i can - thanks Tojaz 'Uncoupling' being one of them and John Gray's Starting Over being another and I will continue to look after myself and be the best person i can be and enjoy what i can of my life and where it is right now. I'm feeling quite proud of myself and will just take life as it comes..........Thanks very much guys, I'm sure i will be back lol Pops

 

Sorry I missed this post Pops Don't know how it slipped by.

 

Hi Guys, well i stayed right away from where i knew he would be and i knew that he would notice. In that time he did not ask about me or ask where i was which seems strange if we are 'friends' as he suggests. Anyway today i bumped into him again and when he went on - guess what, yes another kiss goodbye on the lips (the ones that are given when appropriate i guess!!!!!) How can he think it's ok or appropriate to give his ex wife a kiss goodbye on the lips when he stays with the other woman and when he knows the ex wife still loves him.......

 

Tough questions Pops. Looking at both of your posts, I'm not sure what he thinks hes doing. Especially his "Difficult Situation" caught my attention. Exactly what situation did you put him in? None that i see.

 

Not that you don't have plenty to think about Pops, I think your thinking too much about what hes thinking right now because it sounds like he doesn't even know. You have told him what hes doing and how it makes you feel, he acts in the same way as if encouraging it.

 

There are many reasons he may do this, not the least of them may be that he is having mixed feelings and is a little confused but it may also be something that feeds his ego to your detriment.

 

You would know better then I, but now that you have put things out in the open he is knowingly toying with your emotions. Hope for the best but protect yourself and prepare for the worst.

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Tojaz, when i text him to say could we meet up for a drink and 'talk' he responded 'it wouldn't be appropriate only in the company of others'. When i met up with him next, which i made myself do as i decided running away was no good and i wanted to apologise for misreading his kisses and told him i hadn't meant a date and he said texts can be misread and it had put him in a difficult situation. I'm guessing when i told him i was enjoying his kisses and could we talk, he read that as my disregarding the relationship he is now in. However ive let him know that i didn't mean it that way, like not as a date and then kept away from him until yesterday when we bumped into each other once again and he asked after my foot op back in March which hasn't gone according to plan and i told him i may be left with a bad foot and some disability.

 

Thank you You Go Girl, yes we have great respect for each other and i know i still love him so i'm sure he still loves me but we lost our way with all the misunderstandings and hurt. Sooooo sad.

 

I just don't get why he has to give me the kiss goodbye when we no longer are together and he's happy with someone else. Why start it in the first place and why continue it when it had stopped due to my misunderstanding of it or does he now feel safe to do it as he has made it clear it means nothing to him. But if it means nothing to him, then why do it aaaaaargh Yes Tojaz i will try not to think into it too much and just wait and see what life has in store in the future and do my best to keep healing both mentally and physically. Thank goodness for my sense of humour and strength which has been surely tried over all of this.

 

Hope you are all ok and keeping a sane head in amongst all the heartache and despair............Pops

[Corporate]

Hope you are all ok and keeping a sane head in amongst all the heartache and despair............Pops

 

Next time he kisses you, you kiss him back with some tongue.

[2sunny]

 

 

I just don't get why he has to give me the kiss goodbye when we no longer are together and he's happy with someone else. Why start it in the first place and why continue it when it had stopped due to my misunderstanding of it or does he now feel safe to do it as he has made it clear it means nothing to him. But if it means nothing to him, then why do it aaaaaargh

 

the bolded part...

he kisses you because YOU LET HIM! it's that simple. set a boundary and stick to it.

 

 

i'm going to ask - what is it that YOU want from him? once you decide - tell him what that is.

 

to continue kissing him - and then sending mixed signals and messages is hurtful. be perfectly clear. he will respond - or not... but stop playing the cat and mouse game - it's hurtful to both of you.

[BetweenHere&There]

Hi RedPoppy - I have to agree with 2Sunny here....you let him. I've read back on your posts and while there was some issues...personal ones that you have come to know about yourself...they were not your fault. You came to know about these things later in your life as you learned more about yourself. Don't feel a responsibility to him for his not understanding that, for his not seeing that because someone else will love you for you and those things about you that you are learning.

 

Draw a line in the sand....if you don't, the rest will be torture for you thinking that his knowing your issues will change things. That is not always the case...in their minds, the ones who have moved on, it only provides validation. Find your own happiness now that you are working through your issues. What was simply was...what is the future is what you make it. You are a magnificent and amazing woman, never think anything other than that and you will attract the right people to your life...not what was the past, but what will be your future. Much luck to you hun...you deserve better.

[You Go Girl]

Well I'm gonna cut the guy some slack. You did leave him, afterall. He didn't really want it at the time.

So now he kisses you, your relationship is doing alright, there's no animosity.

Maybe he just likes feeilng good about somebody he has cared about for a long time!

He obviously doesn't see a kiss as cheating. He does see drinks out as something that could lead to a place he doesn't want to go to.

He never said I don't love you anymore. But he does have a new person who he wants to respect, and would probably be afraid to start something with you again even if he didn't have somebody else.

Or maybe he is seeing if that magic is still there, and thinks in the future he has to make some kind of decision.

We could 'pretend' pick this guy's brain all day long about the meaning of a kiss.

I suggest that you simply do what is your comfort level, and not worry about what he is doing.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, when i text him to say could we meet up for a drink and 'talk' he responded 'it wouldn't be appropriate only in the company of others'. When i met up with him next, which i made myself do as i decided running away was no good and i wanted to apologise for misreading his kisses and told him i hadn't meant a date and he said texts can be misread and it had put him in a difficult situation. I'm guessing when i told him i was enjoying his kisses and could we talk, he read that as my disregarding the relationship he is now in. However ive let him know that i didn't mean it that way, like not as a date and then kept away from him until yesterday when we bumped into each other once again and he asked after my foot op back in March which hasn't gone according to plan and i told him i may be left with a bad foot and some disability.

 

Thank you You Go Girl, yes we have great respect for each other and i know i still love him so i'm sure he still loves me but we lost our way with all the misunderstandings and hurt. Sooooo sad.

 

I just don't get why he has to give me the kiss goodbye when we no longer are together and he's happy with someone else. Why start it in the first place and why continue it when it had stopped due to my misunderstanding of it or does he now feel safe to do it as he has made it clear it means nothing to him. But if it means nothing to him, then why do it aaaaaargh Yes Tojaz i will try not to think into it too much and just wait and see what life has in store in the future and do my best to keep healing both mentally and physically. Thank goodness for my sense of humour and strength which has been surely tried over all of this.

 

Hope you are all ok and keeping a sane head in amongst all the heartache and despair............Pops

 

Well Pops, if you need answers, there are two way to go about it.

 

One, set a boundry as 2sunny suggests tell him whats on your mind and let him know what you want from him. That way all is clear, if hes of similar thoughts so be it, if hes dead set against it, no kissy kissy.

 

Two, ask him! Flat out, why the kisses, and what do they mean?

 

Either way, you will at least know whats in his head and heart and can act accordingly.

 

Next time he kisses you, you kiss him back with some tongue.

 

Oh, and ignore the child its been following me around as of late.

 

TOJAZ

[BetweenHere&There]

Maybe I am too far out there red....but I feel that u found somehing about yourself like I did....doesn't mean anything wrong....just means you are learning wbout yourself. There is nothing wrong with that....just means that your time is now....It's not about him anymore.

[BetweenHere&There]

Oh, and ignore the child its been following me around as of late.

 

TOJAZ

 

LOL!!! I've noticed that!! What is that about???? :lmao::lmao: This person is on almost every thread you post to from what I have been reading....