xanek Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 My boyfriend has been without a job for the last couple of months or so. He says he's applying places, but I hate bugging him about it because he gets really defensive. However, this morning I confronted him and asked him how it was going and he mentioned he applied a couple more places online last night. Well, I was a little suspicious because of the tone that he used, so I checked his web history. There weren't any visits to the websites of the places he mentioned, furthermore for one of the sites he 'applied' at, doesn't have an online application at all, that I can find at least. Should I confront him about it or leave it alone? I think the best thing to do would be to confront him, but he's VERY difficult to argue with and anything I brought up he would turn around on me and make me feel like the "bad guy" for bringing it up. Is there anyway I could confront him about it without him turning it around on me?
Pyro Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Are you supporting him in addition to yourself? Darn right you should say something. That is your money supporting his lazy and unmotivated arse. Just tell him that you had your suspicions. He has no right to get mad at you. No matter what he says this is NOT your fault.
ADF Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Just for the record, if a GF of mine ever admitted to snooping through my computer, I'd dump her on the spot. Your Bf might not. But he will almost certainly turn the conversation around to your blatant disrespect for his privacy. This is why snooping is ultimately self-defeating. Even if you don't care about respecting other people's privacy--and you clearly don't--snooping gives them ammunition to use against you if you try to confront them with what you find.
norajane Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 You want him to apply for jobs. So, you're nagging and confronting him. And that doesn't seem to be making a difference, except to make him defensive and to irritate you further. Have you tried understanding him? Listening to him? Being supportive? Guys have a lot of their self worth tied up in their jobs, so being fired or layed off does a real number on their self-esteem. Did you listen to him when he lost his job and really hear how he was feeling? He might have been confused on his next steps, feeling like a failure, and somewhat depressed. He may be feeling under pressure, which he is hiding with sloth, and your nagging won't help. If he has enough saved to carry him for a while, along with the unemployment checks, this is a good time for him to explore what he wants to do next. You could help him with that, or not, but nagging and confronting and spying on him isn't the right way to go about it. Sure, maybe he does need a kick in the pants to snap out of his funk and start looking for work, but I'd approach that task with kindness and understanding rather than pushing and prodding. Cooking a nice dinner and approaching him with, "Sweetheart, I know you've had a rough time the last couple of months, and I've been worried about you. I want to help you get to the next step on your job search - is there anything I can do?" might get more out of him than, "yeah, I know you lied about applying for jobs, you dumbass!"
make me believe Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 If you two live together or you are financially supporting him while he's unemployed, then you absolutely have the right to discuss this with him. If that's the case, I would stop supporting him if he's not actually going to look for another job. If he is taking care of his finances on his own, through unemployment benefits or some other way, then I'd just leave the situation alone. I'm unemployed right now (laid off) and if my BF was hounding me about getting another job, I would be pissed. BUT I have all of my financial matters taken care of and am attending school fulltime, so the situation may be different than yours. I agree with norajane's advice about how to approach him in an effective way. Nagging & yelling at him isn't going to help. I do think the matters of him lying to you and you feeling like it is ok to snoop on his computer need to be addresesed, though. Those things are not ok.
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