Kismetly Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Hi everyone I'm new, so please forgive any breaches of board etiquette. Looking for support and advice for a situation I'm surprised I find myself in. I've been seeing a gorgeous man for a few months. I thought I had it all together when it started ... now... not so much. OK - the story. Gorgeous man and I both work in a remote isolated community. I'm about 3000km away from home and he's about 500kms away from home. I'm divorced with no children. He's "separated" from his partner of 15 years. She lives with their three children in his home town. I didn't give much thought to his marital status. When our fling started, I figured it was just a bit of fun. I only had 3 months to go in this posting and then I figured it would be over and we'd never see each other again. The thing is, as far as flings go, it's been too good to be true. He's amazing and we are really pretty good together. We are both passionate about our work, we have an incredible friendship, hot sex, professionally we sizzle off each other. It's quite incredible. I've got 2 weeks left of this posting and he's started hinting that he'd like to talk about "a future". There is a part of me that loves the idea of thinking about a future with him - but "separated" or not, when he goes to his hometown to see his kids every 3 weeks or so he stays at the marital home. Oh he's constantly available to me, he calls me all the time and has made it clear I can call him anytime he's there. He says his ex-partner (they were never married) and he have an arrangement where he stays at the house so he doesn't have to keep a town-house while he's working out bush. I've got no reason to not believe him - but as far as I'm concerned that arrangement still makes him "unavailable" for a committed relationship with anyone else. Know what I mean? From the start I've been very clear that i'm leaving here on 30 June. The thing that I think gives him some hope is that the job I'm going to is a fly-in/fly-out job (2 weeks on 2 weeks off) that means I can live anywhere. I am planning to return to my hometown - but he's been hinting I could go to the new job, but base myself here with him for half of each month. I've been divorced for 4 years and I've had a couple of short relationships in that time. This guy is the first one that I've really clicked with and could see myself considering committing to ... except for all that baggage!! I think what I need to say to him, if/when he raises it, is something like "give me a call when you sort out your personal life." that would be the smart thing to do wouldn't it? I really like him ... but I really like myself too. I know I'm starting to fall for him because I'm even thinking about this stuff. Like I said - I thought I had it all together when this first started ... now, not so much!
lolapalooza Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Why not ask him to take you home and introduce you to his ex?
NoIDidn't Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I would not make any changes like living somewhere convenient to him, until a real commitment was made. I don't have an issue with the "separated", its that he wants you to make yourself available (that you could live anywhere doesn't mean it has to be for his convenient access to you). He needs to put something out too.
2sunny Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 tell him when he's absolutely available and has totally finished the relationship in his hometown - you will give it some consideration... otherwise you are just setting yourself up for heartache.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 This guy is the first one that I've really clicked with and could see myself considering committing to ... except for all that baggage!! He comes with baggage. An ex, (I assume, if he's telling the truth about their 'separation') and 3 KIDS! Are you ready to be these children's step mother one day? It probably would be best to put yourself first and don't hop through hoops to please him and make it easier on him (moving to be closer to him or the job)..Also, you really don't know the truth of his situation. For all you know, he's fully married and has been lying to you this whole time. Even though you say you can call him anytime, that means nothing.
Author Kismetly Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 For all you know, he's fully married and has been lying to you this whole time. Even though you say you can call him anytime, that means nothing. ... and herein lies the crux of the whole thing, hey? I guess I was content to accept his story when I wasn't thinking there may be a future because that covered me morally/ethically. To be honest, I do buy his story. I think/know he is genuinely physically separated from his partner. He lives here. He could go back far more often than he does so I've no reason to doubt his story. but ... there's this little niggling feeling in my gut that tells me it's a bit more complicated than he's letting on.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 ... and herein lies the crux of the whole thing, hey? I guess I was content to accept his story when I wasn't thinking there may be a future because that covered me morally/ethically. To be honest, I do buy his story. I think/know he is genuinely physically separated from his partner. He lives here. He could go back far more often than he does so I've no reason to doubt his story. but ... there's this little niggling feeling in my gut that tells me it's a bit more complicated than he's letting on. Listen to your gut! It doesn't lie. You can't be objective completely here because you have an invested interest in him. I think/know? Which is it? Just be completely honest with him and let him know that you won't tollerate lies, omissions of truths. He "may" be separated, but that doesn't mean he and his partner don't have sex. He has kids with her, they are family. Like it or not, he is tied to her forever. You only have his word to go by and making assumptions isn't good. You dn't know what goes on behind closed doors, or what he says to her on the phone when they talk. He IS more than likely leaving parts of his situation out...
MizFit Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I would imagine that at some point your 'time off' will overlap. I'd tell him you want to fly to his hometown at some point when he's there and meet his kids...if he's asking for you to share your life then he should be ready to share his as well. If he hesitates or comes up with excuses you have your answer. I agree...the gut doesn't lie.
BB07 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 ... and herein lies the crux of the whole thing, hey? I guess I was content to accept his story when I wasn't thinking there may be a future because that covered me morally/ethically. To be honest, I do buy his story. I think/know he is genuinely physically separated from his partner. He lives here. He could go back far more often than he does so I've no reason to doubt his story. but ... there's this little niggling feeling in my gut that tells me it's a bit more complicated than he's letting on. COMPLICATED.....you can be sure of that and remember everyone presents themselves in the best light possible when a relationship is starting out. Assuming he has been truthful and upfront, with the information you already have, you need to really think hard about getting involved with someone with his circumstances. He will be forever tied to her and the children. Think long and hard about it. I wish you the best.
Yetanotherstory Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Your situation does sound like it has hope. I think if you go into this knowing what you are letting yourself in for and you're happy with that then great. Just take care that he prioritises you as well.
Author Kismetly Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 So ... I've got less than a week to go in this whirlwind affair and then I'm leaving here, and him, to work a long, long way away from here. We have both resisted having "the conversation" about what happens next. We both allude to staying in contact, he's even hinting that his organisation would been keen to buy in my skills from time to time as a consultant. He said once (like he was joking) that I should make his place my base and fly-in/fly-out from here rather than returning to my home town. Thing is - I think the healthy thing for me to do would be to cut all ties to him. I've been thinking about what I really want in my life and this relationship has reminded me how nice it is to have a friend, confidante, partner to share the events of the day with, to make love with, to have an emotional connection and support. I've been mainly single for nearly 3 years and I've enjoyed the connection - BUT I want the lot. I don't really want to deal with his baggage (ex and kids stashed in town) I feel like a superficial git. I like him enough to hang out with him for these months while we are in the same place at the same time, but not enough to change my life for him? What does that say about me? (Although same could be said for him - I don't see him offering up any compromises on where he'll work/live - but to be fair, I get that because he's working in the field and place that's his passion and he needs to do that just as I have for the past several years). I guess I'm just feeling a bit confused about how I ended up here. I knew I was leaving when I started this relationship and I thought I could stay detached from the emotional investment. I haven't been able to and I'm sad. I'm going to miss him. He's been a really big part of my day-to-day life and I hate the breaking-up part of a relationship. I could just go along with the "stay-in-contact" thing and I'm sure we'd e-mail and phone regularly, we'll still have this place in common - but I'm worried that would just keep me hooked on him and not allow me the space to really get out and meet new people and potentially find a suitable partner (one who lives in the same state and doesn't have an ex and children in the family home). Not sure what I'm asking or seeking advice on. Just helps to get it out I guess.
sadintexas Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I'm worried that would just keep me hooked on him and not allow me the space to really get out and meet new people and potentially find a suitable partner I totally agree with this. Sometimes it is better just to move on and go forward. This relationship has been a learning experience in the fact that is has shown you more, or helped you more clearly define what you are looking for. People are put in our paths to help us learn things such as this. Go forward and find happiness with a man that is suitable for you
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