stillafool Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 OP I can understand how your friends feel. I am married but I listen to people question my single gfs all the time with statements like, "When are you going to settle down and get married?", "Are you dating anyone seriously yet?", "You'd better hurry up if you want kids?", "I've got somebody I'd like you to meet." All this stuff is annoying as heck to someone who is perfectly content being single. It is the same thing that I've had to go through with people asking me "Don't you want children??" Heck NO! I think people should just mind their own business and if a single friend is thinking of marriage or has a special friend in their life that they are getting serious about - they will let you know. I don't think everybody feels that they aren't complete unless they are "coupled".
Mr White Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 The most annoying part of being single is doing it half-azzed - i.e. living pretty much within the same everyday constraints as coupled people. Basically not really single, but stuck in between being single and coupled up. If you are single, live it up, have adventures! The problem is that very few people have the resources and the drive to make a lot out of a single situation. Typically it boils down to being pretty comfortable and lazy and not having to take into account anybody else when you pass out in front of the TV. I liked it, but it isn't really anything to aspire to . Embracing singledom for life and NOT looking to meet anybody (except for flings) is probably very empowering, but just as hard (and increasingly harder - with age) to pull of as having satisfying married life. At the end of the day, our generation is too obsessed about being happy and fulfilled . External circumstances don't matter that much - if you're fed, clothed, rested, and don't let people take advantage of you you're good to go, regardless of your situation. Any further marginal changes in circumstances will NOT produce much discernible changes in level of happiness.
stillafool Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Could it be that OP is jealous of her friends' freedom ? Sometimes, yes. When I was single a lot of married women with kids were jealous that I slept in on Saturdays, spent my money on me, freedom to go where I wanted to at the drop of a hat. Yes there can be jealousy because one is single and free.
Mr White Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 (edited) Sometimes, yes. When I was single a lot of married women with kids were jealous that I slept in on Saturdays, spent my money on me, freedom to go where I wanted to at the drop of a hat. Yes there can be jealousy because one is single and free. My point exactly. As my best friend says, "No matter what you do you're going to regret it" . Sure, there are things about single life that are nice and comfortable, but are not exactly something meaningful to aspire to . If you're single, you live within the same major constraints as everybody else, so no huge advantage other than a little more comfort. Same the other way around - companionship is great, but it also comes up with the price tag of compromises and stresses that you did not have to face when single. So, it's a zero sum. Everybody should relax and take it easy, which is hard in our overstimulated culture -- everybody is worried about "missing out" on something. How juvenile... Edited June 12, 2010 by Mr White
paddington bear Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 My point exactly. As my best friend says, "No matter what you do you're going to regret it" . Sure, there are things about single life that are nice and comfortable, but are not exactly something meaningful to aspire to . If you're single, you live within the same major constraints as everybody else, so no huge advantage other than a little more comfort. Same the other way around - companionship is great, but it also comes up with the price tag of compromises and stresses that you did not have to face when single. So, it's a zero sum. Everybody should relax and take it easy, which is hard in our overstimulated culture -- everybody is worried about "missing out" on something. How juvenile... This is true. But actually, for me anyway, it is not a 'the grass is greener' scenario. I've been in relationships, they don't solve all your problems and have their own stresses. I think apart from feeling increasingly lonely, I'm just bored silly of being single. I've done it long enough, want to see what life is like not being single for a while. It would be nice to feel something for someone. To be excited knowing you are going to meet that person, instead of always being stuck in that loop of looking for that person, but never actually getting any further than that. I think the frustration over this is due to the powerless nature of single people's predicament. If you are overweight you can change that. You can make yourself look better by cutting your hair. You can move house if you don't like where you live. You can leave an unhealthy relationship that is no longer working....but, you cannot find the man/woman of your dreams, you are powerless to do that. It is something you have no control over. You can't decide to meet a man or woman tomorrow and decide that you will fall in love with them. This is why panic, bitterness etc. appear. There have been times where I'm perfectly happy being single, and there are other times (I'm in one of those phases now obviously) where I'm just sick of it.
Morals Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 This is true. But actually, for me anyway, it is not a 'the grass is greener' scenario. I've been in relationships, they don't solve all your problems and have their own stresses. I think apart from feeling increasingly lonely, I'm just bored silly of being single. I've done it long enough, want to see what life is like not being single for a while. It would be nice to feel something for someone. To be excited knowing you are going to meet that person, instead of always being stuck in that loop of looking for that person, but never actually getting any further than that. I think the frustration over this is due to the powerless nature of single people's predicament. If you are overweight you can change that. You can make yourself look better by cutting your hair. You can move house if you don't like where you live. You can leave an unhealthy relationship that is no longer working....but, you cannot find the man/woman of your dreams, you are powerless to do that. It is something you have no control over. You can't decide to meet a man or woman tomorrow and decide that you will fall in love with them. This is why panic, bitterness etc. appear. There have been times where I'm perfectly happy being single, and there are other times (I'm in one of those phases now obviously) where I'm just sick of it. I'm a guy, and I agree with this statement 100%. It's not that being single is bad, but being single for a lengthy period of time gets ...depressing. The issue with being single is that as time goes on you begin to doubt your ability to change your relationship status. You being to think, "Despite anything I've done to make myself happy, better...I'm still not happy". Despite what today's society makes people believe, the idea behind us is that we are MEANT to find a companion. We are happier when with someone, we are happier when we feel like someone else cares about us. People may love you in life: platonic love, friendly love, brotherly love, parental love. All of this pales in comparison to someone who truly loves you, someone who thinks about you when you AREN'T there. I work with a girl who just got engaged to a guy at 24. She's known him for close to 5 years now. I can't even imagine spending 5 years with someone. The thought itself is humbling. I want that kind of relationship, but it doesn't just happen overnight. And the depressing thing is, if you want children at a healthy age you want to do it before you are 30. If you want to be that mom or dad who actually can play with your children you quickly realize that a relationship takes time, so you think "Ok well, give it a few years (1-3) to begin the relationship, another 1-2 for getting engaged and married..." That's easily 2-5 years in the future you have to prepare for a relationship. Now if you factor in a relationship that makes it past stage 1, but not into stage 2, that's wasted time. Sure, some people may say "but if you enjoyed it, it's not wasted" but IT IS. TIME is the ONLY thing you can't ever get back. And that time that you spent on another person may have been better spent finding or being with the person that you truly feel like you are meant to be with. To wrap this all up, as I realize I'm rambling, is that relationships make us happy, but it's hard to change our relationship on a whim, and this just gets harder over time. 1
Lovelybird Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Sometimes, yes. When I was single a lot of married women with kids were jealous that I slept in on Saturdays, spent my money on me, freedom to go where I wanted to at the drop of a hat. Yes there can be jealousy because one is single and free. A married friend of mine said to me one day, that she envy my freedom that if I want to go to a foreign country, then I am going. Then I asked her, do you know what the most thing I want to do? she said she doesn't know, I told her, the most thing I want to do is the things she feels bored by, take care of kids and cook meals for the family, and deal with all the mushy stuff with husband . But then again, not bad to have freedom to go to a foreign country and experience new things
D-Lish Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 A married friend of mine said to me one day, that she envy my freedom that if I want to go to a foreign country, then I am going. Then I asked her, do you know what the most thing I want to do? she said she doesn't know, I told her, the most thing I want to do is the things she feels bored by, take care of kids and cook meals for the family, and deal with all the mushy stuff with husband . But then again, not bad to have freedom to go to a foreign country and experience new things I thought you were married LB?
Lovelybird Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I thought you were married LB? No, not yet. You think so because I am often in Marriage forum? I like to research the pros and cons of marriage
D-Lish Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 No, not yet. You think so because I am often in Marriage forum? I like to research the pros and cons of marriage Maybe- just always assumed you were in a healthy relationship from your posts;)
Author Lipsy10 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 I think we all want what we don't have to some degree. I was single for a long time and was happy for most of it but as some of you have already said - theres nothing wrong with being single, being long-time single is a different issue. My turning point came when I got a promotion at work. I was really happy and excited until I realised I had no one to call and tell. Ye I had friends and family but its just not the same. I decided there and then that I wanted someone special in my life. Im six years with my OH now and I do have days where I look at my single friends with that twinge of jealousy. With a fiance and 2 children my life isn't my own anymore, I miss being able to do what I want whenever I want. Those days are long gone. BUT its not a case of the grass is greener... I know I have a good life with my little family and I wouldn't be without them. However even at my lowest single ebb it wasn't other peoples opinons that bothered me, in the end it was my own. . . .
brainygirl Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I'm a long time single. In a way it IS a choice, I probably could be in a relationship if I dropped certain standards I have. But I am not willing to put up with drug use, chronic alcoholism, long term unemployment, irresponsibility, uneducated ignorance, or basic chrinic immaturity. I know it sounds drastic, but I live in the rural midwest and there is a lack of quality men here. So in a way I am single by choice. But I don't want to be single for ever. I crave that connection on an emotional and physical basis that being in a relationship offers. But I am NOT WILLING to risk my future or my kids' futures on someone who really wants a warm bed and someone to cook and clean for them. And it does get hard to go to family to-dos and see my younger cousins all married and supposedly happy and successful. There are little looks and glances and questions that are harder and harder to ignore as time passes. That being said, I am my own person. I don't have a husband that takes a job that requires travel or moving (like one cousin did) or a husband that insists I not take a regular night shift so I have to work chaotic PRN shifts that pay less (like another cousin does), nor do I have a husband that hides money, refuses to help with household bills and compulsively shops on the internet. I am not financially dependent on another person, I am not tied down to another persons' expectations or problems. All that being said, sometimes it still sucks to be chronically single.
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Speaking about societies expectations, I am only 21 but I don't really have any maternal instincts nor at this point any desire to have children. Of course I don't know whether that will change but I doubt it. Already, at 21, I have people, friends etc saying: 'What's wrong with you? How can you not want children? Your life will be empty and boring.' Because I am an animal lover and love pets, I get people saying: 'How can you like animals? How can you own a dog and not want a baby? Why do you hate your own species?' I'm starting to think I am just not very conventional; I don't gravitate to babies and husbands, that may in part be due to youth and not finding the right person, but its amazing how judgemental people can be. I do not believe the path to happiness is babies and marriage, I believe happiness comes in many forms to different people. But I feel defensive because so many people automatically look down on you if you do something or haven't done something that they deem necessary. I used to be perfectly happy with my decisions and choices until I felt the pressures and expectations of other people upon me; now I have to figure out how to get back to that. It extends to all areas though - being naturally skinny I have friends who will comment on the smallest bit of weight I lose or put on, though that doesn't effect me...it still shocks me how people can be so easily brainwashed into what to think/say/believe about a whole host of issues with no sense of reality or individuality.
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