Dinner with my boss and his wife tonight and I REALLY don't want to go

[whichwayisup]

It is odd, but his wife probably requested it. Our joint assistant/secretary is going as well. Noone else.

 

I will talk to his wife but at the same time, I don't feel like it's my place to point out his behaviour or (possible) affair with (at least) one other woman at work. I will just be polite and nice. I hope I don't get grilled on my single status which is something that married women tend to do to me. As in, you are 31 and single etc etc

 

I didn't mean that way. I meant talk to her more than to him. enjoy getting to know his wife, and stuff like that.

 

If your single status comes up, white lie and say still getting over a break up, or I met a really nice man recently and we'll see how that goes. THen, change the subject. You don't have to get too personal with them.

 

Glad someone else will be there from work as well.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I just got some chocolates for each of the kids. Hope this is the appropriate thing to do since I don't have any married friends with kids that have "foraml dinners".

[SadandConfusedWA]

You wish.

 

So, where are those pictures now?

 

I am ugly and overweight - you really wouldn't want to see that

[SadandConfusedWA]

Let me be the judge.

 

If that's true, I would like to see them for entertaiment purposes.[/QUOTE]

 

At least you are honest. How about you post yours?

[Eve]

I wouldnt have gone because the other night out option sounded better.. but hey.. plus the guy sounds like a creep.

 

How did it go? Was the food nice? Company interesting?

 

Did you get to see a different side to his character?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[SadandConfusedWA]

Wow, I am back. The boss is COMPLETLY different at home than he is at work. I always pictured him with someone who is hard-core intellectual as he is and his wife couldn't be further from that. It's like he is a completly different person. Our secretary gave me a lift and I got to see her home too...

 

Anyway, the evening started interesting as his wife was telling me about their recent romantic night out where they have slept over at some hotel and she felt so sexy that it was almost like "having an affair" I was thinking WTF? This within first 10mins...

 

I liked her. She wasn't mean to me in any way and she was really nice and friendly. To be honest, I kind of felt sorry for her. I ended up having too much wine and staying there for good 4 hours. Anyhow, it became obvious that she doesn't know much about his life at the office. It also looked like he treats her like s%$#. She has a chronic medical condition and is in lots of pain and unable to work at all. He is just a pig

 

I couldn't resist, I told her the story about another married man in the office who is a known adulterer and who would be on the phone to his wife and had mistress on the other line. I made sure I said how vile and disgusting I found this. I also said how he would go on conference trips and shared accommodation with his mistress at the company expense. At this my boss completly paled and went silent, then excused himself to go to the toilet. Wife completly loved this story. I couldn't help myself and made few more sarcastic digs, although nothing too obvious or straight forward.

 

Ugh now that I am sobering up a bit, I had such a weird evening.

[Citizen Erased]

I couldn't resist, I told her the story about another married man in the office who is a known adulterer and who would be on the phone to his wife and had mistress on the other line. I made sure I said how vile and disgusting I found this. I also said how he would go on conference trips and shared accommodation with his mistress at the company expense. At this my boss completly paled and went silent, then excused himself to go to the toilet. Wife completly loved this story. I couldn't help myself and made few more sarcastic digs, although nothing too obvious or straight forward.

OMG I love you.

[quankanne]

oh, kiddo – you may have made yourself a target for a different kind of harassment ...

[JackJack]

"I also said how he would go on conference trips and shared accommodation with his mistress at the company expense".

 

I could be wrong, but.....

 

I have a gut feeling he probably picked up on that it was HIM you were referring to. That story was a little to close to home so to speak, unless he is just a dumbs*it he probably picked up on it. I hope this doesn't make things worse for you.

Edited June 12, 2010 by JackJack

[xxoo]

Sad, I read a few of your past posts re: your boss.

 

This is a very messed up situation. He's flirting wildly and inappropriately, alternately flirting with you, ignoring you (to your distress), or manipulating a stay in an apt with you. And this has been going on for years. And now he invited you home to meet his wife?

 

For your personal and professional health, you need to take charge of your own boundaries and distance yourself from this man. Professional interaction only. It was a poor choice to accept an invitation to his home, drink, and to tell an inflammatory story to his wife, but you can't change the past. Plan out your polite response to any future invites, so that you can seemlessly avoid another bad situation.

[2sunny]

now that the dinner is over with and you understand that it didn't go well - distance yourself from anything even remotely personal with him.

 

stick to a PROFESSIONAL boundary and interaction only.

 

and don't drink around him.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I already got invited to a birthday party at his house, but yeah I don't have to go.

 

To be honest, I would rather not deal with him at all, even on the professional level. I can't wait for my long term project to be over so that I can leave. Unfortunately, until the end of the project I will have to stay there.

 

And I don't really regret telling those things during dinner. At all.

[SadandConfusedWA]

now that the dinner is over with and you understand that it didn't go well - distance yourself from anything even remotely personal with him.

 

stick to a PROFESSIONAL boundary and interaction only.

 

and don't drink around him.

 

This is unrealistic. We have work functions coming up and I can't relax until I have had a couple of glasses of wine.

 

For those that are in doubt, I don't want to get involved with him on a uhm "more personal level" in any shape or form. I don't like him, am not attracted to him, not tempted to have an affair in the least. When I sorted out accommodation issues (I will be staying with 2 other girls in a 3 level apartment with ocean views YAY!!) I only felt like this giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

[xxoo]

This is unrealistic. We have work functions coming up and I can't relax until I have had a couple of glasses of wine.

 

That is a separate problem. Relying on alcohol to deal with social or professional situations is a poor coping strategy.

[SadandConfusedWA]

That is a separate problem. Relying on alcohol to deal with social or professional situations is a poor coping strategy.

 

 

I disagree. Everyone there has at least that much to drink on those occassions. I didn't say a bottle of wine. In fact, I think having a couple of glasses of wine on a night out after dinner is perfectly normal. Of course I can go without, but why should I?

[xxoo]

I disagree. Everyone there has at least that much to drink on those occassions. I didn't say a bottle of wine. In fact, I think having a couple of glasses of wine on a night out after dinner is perfectly normal. Of course I can go without, but why should I?

 

Because it is imperative that you act with wise judgment around this man, and you haven't always in the past.

 

I don't want to excuse his hideous behavior; there is no excuse for the way he acts. But it sounds like you enjoyed his attention for years, and your disinterest in his attention is relatively recent. I'm not surprised that he is still trying to take advantage of your willingness to please. I recommend having a cool, sober head at all times around him.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Because it is imperative that you act with wise judgment around this man, and you haven't always in the past.

 

I don't want to excuse his hideous behavior; there is no excuse for the way he acts. But it sounds like you enjoyed his attention for years, and your disinterest in his attention is relatively recent. I'm not surprised that he is still trying to take advantage of your willingness to please. I recommend having a cool, sober head at all times around him.

 

Thanks for your advice - I look forward to getting some distance and changing jobs after my project is over.

[SarahRose]

I already got invited to a birthday party at his house, but yeah I don't have to go.

 

To be honest, I would rather not deal with him at all, even on the professional level. I can't wait for my long term project to be over so that I can leave. Unfortunately, until the end of the project I will have to stay there.

 

And I don't really regret telling those things during dinner. At all.

 

Of course you can leave your job. Just find something else and give your notice.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Of course you can leave your job. Just find something else and give your notice.

 

 

Due to details of my job/project uh no I can't. I don't want to go into it here I have already said WAY too much, but my setup there is different to most conventional work setups.

 

Besides, I feel fine today. I feel like I am deailing with all of this OK.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Do you agree with the above assessment?

 

Absolutely NOT. I would have never, at any point, entered into a physical affair with him. I was not in love with him, you can't be in love with someone you barely know. Storng crush or infatuation is the better word.

 

I think I have proven this by refusing to go along with the accommodation setup where something could have easily happened.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Yeah, you refused AFTER he has ignored and rejected you.

 

He has never rejected me.

 

He has ignored me on and off at work functions or in big groups of people.

 

FYI I would have said no even if he didn't periodically ignore me at work functions.

[SadandConfusedWA]

He has sent me a message yesterday saying that he and W both had a great time the other night and his W thought I was "warm and funny". Looks like everything is OK.

[2sunny]

He has sent me a message yesterday saying that he and W both had a great time the other night and his W thought I was "warm and funny". Looks like everything is OK.

 

when there is no reason to wonder if a person was inappropriate - one never sits waiting for approval regarding their behavior.

 

the fact that you have wondered since the dinner gathering shows that you have been wondering IF you were inappropriate or out of line. that usually means you were.

 

secondly, WHY would your MM send a message like that? like he's serving up approvals about behavior... or not? why would he not just wait and mention it in passing at your next business interaction? something is still terribly "off" between the two of you and your boundaries.

 

the whole things seems odd and completely backwards.

[JackJack]

"Looks like everything is ok."

 

I have a feeling everything isn't ok....I still say there are more things to come. I don't think any of this is over..and I still say he probably picked up on the things you were saying to his wife.

[Jilly Bean]

Oh, boy. Where to begin with this!

 

So, the W starts telling you about the romantic evening she spent with her H, your boss. AND, tells you how it FELT LIKE AN AFFAIR. So beyond in appropriate, and clearly she was sending you a message.

 

You didn't pick up on it, however, and then proceed to drink too much, stay too long, and then tell an even MORE inappropriate story about infidelity at work.

 

I don't think you're going to need to find a new job. I bet $5 the wife is telling her H to have you fired pronto, and after your comments at dinner, designed to what, shame him? out him? I don't think he's going to argue the point.

 

Sorry, Sad. But you took a bad situation and made it WAY worse for yourself. Protect yourself at this point...

Edited June 14, 2010 by Jilly Bean