Self Reconciliation

[pureinheart]

It sounds like most of us in LS have had some very rough times in R's no matter what part played.

 

My question is have you reconsiled with yourself?

 

If not why? If you have, how did you get there?

 

I want to know how to reconcile with myself.

 

 

 

 

 

I have not accomplished this yet, and believe it is why I have chosen "project men". This was discussed briefly a few months back with another member, although I don't fell that this matter is finished for me.

[Owl]

Define "self-reconciliation". Do you mean "forgive yourself" or is there more to it than that?

[skywriter]

Self reconciliation for myself has been on ongoing work in progress.

 

I have done so by decreasing contact drastically with the MM.

Rarely speak to or see him anymore. Harbor no ill will towards him.

 

 

I have a SM in my life that I've known for over twenty yrs and we

spend alot of time together doing likeminded things. It's platonic friendship

and so far we are both just enjoying having no expectations from one another.

 

...and basically just loving myself and not trying to please everyone else while sacrificing my own integrity in the process.

 

I have to admit it isn't so bad....

[BB07]

It sounds like most of us in LS have had some very rough times in R's no matter what part played.

 

My question is have you reconsiled with yourself?

 

If not why? If you have, how did you get there?

 

I want to know how to reconcile with myself.

 

 

Ahhh pure, my heart goes out to you. I'm having a rough day myself today. I get where you are coming from.

 

I feel like there is this cloud hanging over me sometimes, and I wish there was a undo button for some of the wrong choices I've made. Even though I'm with my stbdmm and I love him dearly and he loves me, it's hard sometimes. We are having to deal with so many things that we wouldn't have to had to deal with had we not had the beginning we did.

 

I'm anxious to hear some answers to your questions.

Hugs to you Pure.

[silktricks]

Like Owl, I'm not too sure what you mean by reconciled. Do you mean forgive? accepted? ???

[pureinheart]

Define "self-reconciliation". Do you mean "forgive yourself" or is there more to it than that?

 

Like Owl, I'm not too sure what you mean by reconciled. Do you mean forgive? accepted? ???

 

To forgive, to understand, and accept my past. I guess "reconciled" is vague.

 

I want to hear how all of you got over injustices, and came to terms with you, because most sound very stable....

[califnan]

There was only one Significant one in my life - because it was the marriage .. any others were insignificant ..

 

So in my situation I really have taken pretty much the full responsibility of anything bad that happened in my life regarding relationships..

 

If I got off track by anyone in these later years, it was because I allowed it to happen .. But I Still have so many other things to accomplish, look after, finish - in the way of projects in my life - before I would even start keeping my eye out for anyone else..

 

Just remember folks .. as long as we open our eyes each morning ... as long as there is Life there is HOPE!! ... and you're all a lot younger than I am ..

[silktricks]

The first thing to realize is that you cannot go back and undo anything.,,

 

The next is that if someone else has a problem with something from the past, it's their problem - not yours.

 

Then, once you've got those nailed down....

 

cry your heart out for what you wish was different, pick yourself up, look to the sun and tell yourself (and the world) that you have done the very best you can. You're sorry for the pain you have given to others and you wish you could undo it. (you can't).

 

Then just get up every morning, promise (yourself or God or whatever) to never make the same mistake again, be as good to other people as you can be, and live every moment as if it is your last.

 

For sure you'll have some bad times, but for the most part, life is good, people are good and we are good. Know that all of us are imperfect at best and really truly f**ked up at worst, but still we are all God's children, and when/if we want to be forgiven for our past, we can be.

 

I really hope you are OK, PIH.

[pureinheart]

Self reconciliation for myself has been on ongoing work in progress.

 

I have done so by decreasing contact drastically with the MM.

Rarely speak to or see him anymore. Harbor no ill will towards him.

 

 

I have a SM in my life that I've known for over twenty yrs and we

spend alot of time together doing likeminded things. It's platonic friendship

and so far we are both just enjoying having no expectations from one another.

 

...and basically just loving myself and not trying to please everyone else while sacrificing my own integrity in the process.

 

I have to admit it isn't so bad....

 

I realise the majority of "romantic" R's have not been edifying...they suck the very life out. It is exactly like what 2Sure said in the career thread that MOTF started...all of the ladies in that thread made me stop and think.

 

ExDM questioned me concerning other men, inferring that I already had a new bf and I told him that he needs to understand that he and I will not work in that capacity and it's not about "put up or shut up", it's that I am not interested anymore...too little, too late.

 

I have however been thinking of a HS friend that I'm friends with his entire family...he is like soooo cool and the last time he was here I could tell he was interested...he is perfect and that is what scares me.

 

I am used to "project men"...he would take care of me also...it is a very new concept for me...he doesn't have an abusive bone in his body..wow...

 

I talk to exDM, although it is platonic now

[pureinheart]

Ahhh pure, my heart goes out to you. I'm having a rough day myself today. I get where you are coming from.

 

I feel like there is this cloud hanging over me sometimes, and I wish there was a undo button for some of the wrong choices I've made. Even though I'm with my stbdmm and I love him dearly and he loves me, it's hard sometimes. We are having to deal with so many things that we wouldn't have to had to deal with had we not had the beginning we did.

 

I'm anxious to hear some answers to your questions.

Hugs to you Pure.

 

Thanks sooo much BB...I remember you posted that his D was a little "interesting"...that's the hard part, but he loves you and you love him...that's the way it should be and I think you guys will overcome all obstacles!

[ADF]

Forgive me, I know you are being sincere, but the idea of "self-reconciliation" sounds like New Age rubbish to me.

 

Yes, I've had some bad experiences and some of them have scarred me. But anyone who lives long enough gets scars of one kind of another. No one ever heals completely. There are a couple of people in ths world who hurt me so badly I resent them to this day. But so what? That just part of life.

[pureinheart]

The first thing to realize is that you cannot go back and undo anything.,,

 

The next is that if someone else has a problem with something from the past, it's their problem - not yours.

 

Then, once you've got those nailed down....

 

cry your heart out for what you wish was different, pick yourself up, look to the sun and tell yourself (and the world) that you have done the very best you can. You're sorry for the pain you have given to others and you wish you could undo it. (you can't).

 

Then just get up every morning, promise (yourself or God or whatever) to never make the same mistake again, be as good to other people as you can be, and live every moment as if it is your last.

 

For sure you'll have some bad times, but for the most part, life is good, people are good and we are good. Know that all of us are imperfect at best and really truly f**ked up at worst, but still we are all God's children, and when/if we want to be forgiven for our past, we can be.

 

I really hope you are OK, PIH.

 

(((((((huggss))))) ST,

 

This is why I posted this is because you know when you can feel something stirring inside and yet it is difficult to pin point the exact nature...although you know someone will tell you what you need to hear.."divine intervention"...

 

When you and Owl asked that question I was like dumb founded ...lol...ok now I gotta get deep, ain't gettin outta this one...lol ...wanted to hear others stories, get enlightened then fade into the sunset...nope, that is not the plan.

 

ST, I am trying soooo hard not to detach right now...thanks ST...

[pureinheart]

There was only one Significant one in my life - because it was the marriage .. any others were insignificant ..

 

So in my situation I really have taken pretty much the full responsibility of anything bad that happened in my life regarding relationships..

 

If I got off track by anyone in these later years, it was because I allowed it to happen .. But I Still have so many other things to accomplish, look after, finish - in the way of projects in my life - before I would even start keeping my eye out for anyone else..

 

Just remember folks .. as long as we open our eyes each morning ... as long as there is Life there is HOPE!! ... and you're all a lot younger than I am ..

 

You are so cute:)...wow CN your H was it to you.....I try to keep in mind that I have life now...I think I don't want to take any more of it for granted, nor follow old patterns...((((Hugs CN)))) you just didn't want another man after your H....

[pureinheart]

Forgive me, I know you are being sincere, but the idea of "self-reconciliation" sounds like New Age rubbish to me.

 

Yes, I've had some bad experiences and some of them have scarred me. But anyone who lives long enough gets scars of one kind of another. No one ever heals completely. There are a couple of people in ths world who hurt me so badly I resent them to this day. But so what? That just part of life.

 

I'm not into New Age as far as a belief system. While it may be true that we will never heal completely, I want to take it as far as I can...I don't want to walk in resentment, bitterness or anger.

 

I've seen bitterness destroy and can be more self destructive than a hard core drug.

 

There is a balance and that is my goal:)

[califnan]

You are so cute:)...wow CN your H was it to you.....I try to keep in mind that I have life now...I think I don't want to take any more of it for granted, nor follow old patterns...((((Hugs CN)))) you just didn't want another man after your H....

 

-------------------

 

Others have said that to me too .. Somehow I just didn't look .. maybe it was laziness ..or not wanting to get into another relationship .. I don't know .. There were a few friends that I could be married to - but I wasn't attracted to them in that manner..

 

(One thing about not settling - is that you always have something to look forward to?) ha

[pureinheart]

-------------------

 

Others have said that to me too .. Somehow I just didn't look .. maybe it was laziness ..or not wanting to get into another relationship .. I don't know .. There were a few friends that I could be married to - but I wasn't attracted to them in that manner..

 

(One thing about not settling - is that you always have something to look forward to?) ha

 

I think this is happening to me...having been in many R's, I have never been afraid and am now.

 

For me CN, have been experiencing severe depression, don't trust too many of my decisions and the list goes on. There are very real reasons for this.

 

Life has taken a 180 in a matter of two years, although the process had started long before (decades)...it all caught up quick, then realization, then clean up...I have almost totally detached and just feel numb.

 

Am hoping this is temporary and will go away...I want a R, although see how numb I am and realise I am in no shape and don't want to put out the effort...like you said, laziness possibly. There is not a desire to even clean anymore...I love to clean and fix things, now I loathe it...I still do it, but with no enthusiasm.

[Silly_Girl]

To forgive, to understand, and accept my past. I guess "reconciled" is vague.

 

I want to hear how all of you got over injustices, and came to terms with you, because most sound very stable....

 

I found this timely... I am someone who is perceived to 'know my own mind' and I tend to actively make decisions and am generally aware of what is going on in my life and what I am trying to achieve. But this most recent split has really made me think about all relationships in my life. In particular, I think, the longest one which was a nasty one. But this has stirred up all sorts of thoughts about my behaviour in my relationships, my partner's behaviour, even family issues. My mind has been all over the show, I've had funny dreams and odd thoughtsand generally felt a little overwhelmed by it all.

 

Nothing has ever done this to me before and I have started seeing a counsellor with this in mind. I'm in my early 30's and really feel as though I have a little bit of work and thought to put in before I move on from this place. I believed I had forgiven myself for a couple of key mistakes, but it seems I never actually did. I'm looking forward to having a bit of a tidy-up and am hoping it will asisst me when I do move on and if I do meet someone else. My fingers are crossed anyway!

[Just a stone's throw]

PIH - To your OP, I am still struggling to forgive myself for what I have done and I know that will be a long road since I haven't leveled with my H on the subject.

 

But if I might add from reading your posts, perhaps now isn't a good time for you to BE in a relationship. Perhaps it's time for you to just be PIH, focusing on yourself. It sounds to me like you'd be jumping from the frying pan into the fire unless you learn to love yourself first. Then you may be more successful in a R once you have that figured out. It's okay to be single. And in fact, I think from reading on LS, some women actually find being single and not being in a R very rewarding. You sound like you're self-sufficient and can handle it!

 

Good luck, and hugs to you!!

 

JAST

[califnan]

I think this is happening to me...having been in many R's, I have never been afraid and am now.

 

For me CN, have been experiencing severe depression, don't trust too many of my decisions and the list goes on. There are very real reasons for this.

 

Life has taken a 180 in a matter of two years, although the process had started long before (decades)...it all caught up quick, then realization, then clean up...I have almost totally detached and just feel numb.

 

Am hoping this is temporary and will go away...I want a R, although see how numb I am and realise I am in no shape and don't want to put out the effort...like you said, laziness possibly. There is not a desire to even clean anymore...I love to clean and fix things, now I loathe it...I still do it, but with no enthusiasm.

 

-------------------

 

I think we have finally reached the age, that if we have come to the stark realization that if we clean - it will just get dirty again .. ha

 

While it may seem that woman was created to clean .. yucky .. It's like ... where's the Desert!!!

 

I know a woman who was living in Connecticut and found a man in Colorado on match.com .. Married him, had her name put on his house ..ha .. And since January he has taken her to Hawaii and Italy .. I'll bet She feels like cleaning .. ha

 

Seriously, it sounds Pure that you haven't put enough time between relationships .. although I know of someone who jumped from a MM relationship to a loving SO .. so I guess it can be done if the determination to put the past behind you is there..

 

If you have someone in your life who you are attracted to - go for it .. But not for just the chance of happiness.. I have known that to fail when marriages don't happen for the right reason..

 

Lastly, I don't think any relationships outside of marriage - should be counted as importance, in shaping your life..

[StoptheDrama]

Pure - For me, like Skywriter, reconciliation is a work in progress. For me, the first step was understanding why I allowed the A to develop (what I was missing, what he and the R gave me, where I was at emotionally). Once I understood that, the rest came easily. I know why I did it and, more importantly for me, why I don't ever want to do it again.

 

I still have my moments of anger and shame - angry at myself for believing in him and sacrificing my dignity, self-respect, and integrity as well as anger at him for his continuing nonsense. But, given the situation, I believe that is normal. I don't beat myself up anymore. Whatever anger I occasonally feel toward myself is short-lived and I don't dwell on it. It only strengthens my resolve to not put myself in such a situation ever again. I made a series of bad decisions but they do not define me.

[califnan]

Once again, I wish to say.. I think all relationships can shape us as far as being learning experiences .. to help us to grow for the better and for future relationships..

 

But if you were treated poorly in a relationship outside of marriage - don't take it too seriously - as far as shaping your future .. If it didn't hit the marriage vows and His confirmation - how important should you allow it to be - in deciding your life - your future..

[pureinheart]

I found this timely... I am someone who is perceived to 'know my own mind' and I tend to actively make decisions and am generally aware of what is going on in my life and what I am trying to achieve. But this most recent split has really made me think about all relationships in my life. In particular, I think, the longest one which was a nasty one. But this has stirred up all sorts of thoughts about my behaviour in my relationships, my partner's behaviour, even family issues. My mind has been all over the show, I've had funny dreams and odd thoughtsand generally felt a little overwhelmed by it all.

 

Nothing has ever done this to me before and I have started seeing a counsellor with this in mind. I'm in my early 30's and really feel as though I have a little bit of work and thought to put in before I move on from this place. I believed I had forgiven myself for a couple of key mistakes, but it seems I never actually did. I'm looking forward to having a bit of a tidy-up and am hoping it will asisst me when I do move on and if I do meet someone else. My fingers are crossed anyway!

 

That's about when I started councelling also (early thirties) and thank God I did. I got councelling off and on to get me through as I just didn't have the time or energy...and mine is in general too, not focusing on one R, focusing on a lifetime and seeing a pattern.

 

I'm glad you got councelling, without it am not sure what I would have done...also have done a lot of reading and research on the internet..

 

In bold...man I feel ya gf...OMG...there are days I even depress my dogs!!! (((((((hugs)))))))

[pureinheart]

PIH - To your OP, I am still struggling to forgive myself for what I have done and I know that will be a long road since I haven't leveled with my H on the subject.

 

But if I might add from reading your posts, perhaps now isn't a good time for you to BE in a relationship. Perhaps it's time for you to just be PIH, focusing on yourself. It sounds to me like you'd be jumping from the frying pan into the fire unless you learn to love yourself first. Then you may be more successful in a R once you have that figured out. It's okay to be single. And in fact, I think from reading on LS, some women actually find being single and not being in a R very rewarding. You sound like you're self-sufficient and can handle it!

 

Good luck, and hugs to you!!

 

JAST

 

Thanks JAST and (((((((((hugs )))))))) to you also! You are right, until I get a handle on this there is really no energy for a R and it wouldn't be fair to anyone at this point.

 

Actually if all of us were to look at the "pluses and minuses" the pluses would certainly win. I have a lot of good friends that I've known for years, so there is always something to do...the cool people on LS and am totally amazed at the tight closeknit R's I have via internet...God is good.

 

You know JAST, unless it is vitally important to you and your healing sometimes TMI about A's can do more harm, it all depends on the people involved...for me never wanted details and never gave any, to me it just adds to the torment. Also in most cases, it's not just the WS that has done things wrong, it's the M as a whole that is the issue.

 

You got my prayers always:)

[pureinheart]

-------------------

 

I think we have finally reached the age, that if we have come to the stark realization that if we clean - it will just get dirty again .. ha

 

While it may seem that woman was created to clean .. yucky .. It's like ... where's the Desert!!!

 

I know a woman who was living in Connecticut and found a man in Colorado on match.com .. Married him, had her name put on his house ..ha .. And since January he has taken her to Hawaii and Italy .. I'll bet She feels like cleaning .. ha

 

Seriously, it sounds Pure that you haven't put enough time between relationships .. although I know of someone who jumped from a MM relationship to a loving SO .. so I guess it can be done if the determination to put the past behind you is there..

 

If you have someone in your life who you are attracted to - go for it .. But not for just the chance of happiness.. I have known that to fail when marriages don't happen for the right reason..

 

Lastly, I don't think any relationships outside of marriage - should be counted as importance, in shaping your life..

 

I was just thinking out loud...can't remember what thread I said that I was considering a R. I think where people get into trouble is they become anxious, like a R is going to "fix" everything...nothing gets fixed, but all remains broken still.

 

If anything were to happen, it would happen very slow...and anyway I was watching a movie about a M going bad, and that brought back too many bad memories:eek: don't EVER want to go there again...

[pureinheart]

Pure - For me, like Skywriter, reconciliation is a work in progress. For me, the first step was understanding why I allowed the A to develop (what I was missing, what he and the R gave me, where I was at emotionally). Once I understood that, the rest came easily. I know why I did it and, more importantly for me, why I don't ever want to do it again.

 

I still have my moments of anger and shame - angry at myself for believing in him and sacrificing my dignity, self-respect, and integrity as well as anger at him for his continuing nonsense. But, given the situation, I believe that is normal. I don't beat myself up anymore. Whatever anger I occasonally feel toward myself is short-lived and I don't dwell on it. It only strengthens my resolve to not put myself in such a situation ever again. I made a series of bad decisions but they do not define me.

 

This right here is where it's at...this is why I was so attracted to LS...regardless of where we all are at...out of an A, in an A, bad M, abuse, whatever we are all willing to fight to get it right...even if it is a thread we are hanging on to at the time...we are strong (may not feel it at the time) and will hang on...thanks StoptheDrama:D