Abuse?

[Cantcope]

I have questions about what people do and do not consider abusive. My ex and I had 3 "encounters" in our 1.5 year relationship. He constantly threw these things in my face, and because of that, I feel like a horrible, abusive scum.

 

Scenerio 1 - At a party where we both had too much. I was trying to leave. He stole my phone so I couldn't go. When I figured out it was him who took it, we started yelling at eachother. He got in my face and called me a f*cking b*tch. I had my keys in my hand since I was getting into my car. I pointed at him and said "Don't you dare call me that". Well, since he was so in my face, my keys ACCIDENTALLY poked him next to his eye. I was mortified. Someone had to hold him back from hitting me and all I could do was cry. Swear it was an accident, yet 1.5 years later, I still heard that I was an abuser and tried to blind him. What do you think?

 

Scenerio 2 - I was sleeping at his house. 4 am and he's playing video games. I'm sleeping. Apparently my phone rang and it was an unknown number. He woke me up screaming at me that I knew who it was, was it some sort of cryptic code from another man seeing if I was available. I was very angry and started to yell. I threw my phone on the floor and decided to leave. He stood on my phone so that I coouldn't go. After 10 minutes of BEGGING him to get off of my phone, he didn't. I shoved him really hard with my shoulder so that I could get my phone and leave. For WEEKS....and leading up to the end, I heard that I had officially abused him twice. He said that he could no longer trust me. Was this abuse?

 

Scenerio 3 - Yes, this I consider abusive. We were out for his birthday drinking. He was out of control. I told him that I wanted to leave (I was driving). He got in my face and yelled obsanities at me. I got so angry that I tried to knock his hat off of his head. He's so much taller than me that when I went to do it, I missed his hat and hit him in the forehead. He went insane saying that he was going to call the cops because I "punched him in the face". Abuse?

 

I don't know why I'm asking other than to know if I'm an abuser. I even went into counseling after this and my counselor even thought that he was getting a bit carried away and really seemed to like playing the victim. In our last contact, he said "good luck with your next guy. Will he let you punch him in the face?" These 3 events, spread out over about 1 year of the relationship were thrown into my face EVERY TIME we even had the slightest disagreement. They ultimately led to what he said was me "ruining the relationship" by being an abuser and breaking his trust. He said he was scared of me.

 

Please tell me....do I need help, am I an abuser? Or did the ex really love playing the victim?

Edited June 11, 2010 by Cantcope

[danny1972]

simple...ask your self what what have happened if he wasn't held back .....exactly , my advice ?, RUN this is not a healthy relationship move on find someone better , he plays the victim , and passes the guilt because he's a coward.

[Cantcope]

You have NO idea how much I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I know that I made mistakes and should have cooled my jets BEFORE trying to knock his hat off, but the heat of the moment took over.

 

He has made me feel like a real monster. ANY time there is ANY contact, he mentions it. I was married to an angry, abusive addict for 13 years and never lifted a finger out of anger. I guess I let him convince me that I was evil.

 

He had to find something wrong right?

[danny1972]

he was looking for an exuse to justify , his behaviour , "oh she knocked my hat off " ohh she poked me in my eye " truth is there is no exuse for abuse physical or mental . you say you were in an abusive relationship for 13 yrs ? you stayed in that relationship because you let him , same thing here , change the pattern , take a break from relationships for a while , toughen up don't be a door mat you are worth more learn to love your self .

[quankanne]

HE was practicing psychological abuse with YOU, even though your responses were physical. When someone knowingly incites you to respond, then uses that response to taunt or torture you, THAT is abuse.

 

the fact that you are able to question these incidents shows that you've got an awareness of right and wrong, which a genuine abuser cannot do.

 

flush him from your brain, into the cesspool where he belongs, like the crap that he is ...

[Cantcope]

Seriously, you guys just made my weekend. I see him at work every damn day, so it's a constant reminder of me being such a monster. I would tell him that he was emotionally abusive and he would tell me that I was vilinazing him and/or turning things around (I couldn't have guy friends, or when we were just "seeing eachother" and I went on a date with someone else, I was a cheater)....when he would do similar stuff, I was "childish, I couldn't accept blame", etc.

 

I was ALWAYS the bad guy. ALWAYS.

 

Here's the last email I received from him. This was his reaction to realizing that I blocked him on FB.

 

"You're so immature its insane. You're 35 years old with a 5 year old

child, grow up! If you want to block me, why don't you follow through in

real life too? If it's like that then stop "coincidentally" being outside

when I get to work every morning. Stop going on smoke break every damn

time I take one. You know what time I go out there, today you even saw me go out there and you followed me! Why would someone who is so afraid of seeing my FB posts and vice-versa go out of their way to run into me 3 times per day?

I already saw that you are hooking up with guys, go for it! F*ck every guy that smiles at you if that's what it takes to feel self worth!!! I mean it is funny that less than two weeks ago you told me you needed time with you and that how when I first told you about importance of being cool with being alone it never sunk it but after we broke up it made sense or whatever, but do you ____, whatever that is, I told you a million times I want you to be happy.

It does however piss me off that Ive been the only one who would say hi, I was the only one who would be civil, and you just don't have the common courtesy to be civil to someone you said a hundred times you loved. Either you lied about your feelings, or you are so immature that acting like a little girl is the only way you can cope. Childish! And I swear to god allah and moses if I find out you've been trash talking me on FB or to friends or coworkers you will not like the reciprocation.

Lets not forget that you are the one that punched me in the f*cking face,

almost blinded me and shoulder blocked me in the gut when I wasn't

expecting it, and you have to hide from me?! Yes I brought those things

up, because they f*cking happened ____, no matter how much you would like to pretend they didnt and pretend that I was the one who f*cked up our relationship!

Now please grow a pair, act like an adult and acknowledge that we did and at least i still do care, even if the relationship didn't work."

 

XOXO

____

[quankanne]

WHOA!!! Where on earth did you find Mr. I'm So Full Of Myself, It's Obnoxious? :laugh:

 

you do realize his little diatribe listing all those crimes you've committed against him is his way of ensuring that he's still firmly entrenched in your life? Other than suggesting you go to another part of the building for your smoke breaks, and completely ignoring him if you *do* happen to get to the office while he's outside waiting for you to show up, just pretend he doesn't exist.

 

block him from Facebook. Block him from your personal email account, but save all harrassing correspondence from him that comes through on your work address. If you believe he's going to be a certain place in the building you need to be also, take someone along so they can witness what's going on, in the event it escalates to a point where you report him for harassment.

 

honey, he's flinging a load of psychological abuse on you because he believes this is how you keep people coming back. Believe me, pretending he doesn't exist or just looking at him like he's a bug that crawled into your bowl of Rice Krispies will be your best response, because he'll either figure out you're not playing that game, or he'll tip his hand and show his true side (thus the need for saving any/all harassing correspondence).

 

that last bit, about "growing a pair (and) acknowledge that we did and at least i still do care" says he doesn't care about you, it's all about him and his needs.

 

document, document, document

 

... so that when the time comes, you've got a strong case built up against him.

 

I was ALWAYS the bad guy. ALWAYS.

 

on second thought, maybe you should politely agree with him then go your merry way. You know, like how Peter MacNichol's character patronizes the bully ghost, Vigo, in Ghostbusters II

Edited June 11, 2010 by quankanne

[danny1972]

i agree with quan, an abuser never admits their faults , the best thing you can do is ignore him , dont cater to his ego by engaging in conversation ,(he needs this as amunition ) he's using phycological warefare , but you have the upper hand here , if you avoid contact and more importantly conversation , like i said earlier change the pattern he certainly wont like it and is certainly not used to it

[Ronni_W]

For what it's worth. If the gender roles were reversed in those three scenarios, how many would be singing a different tune?

 

Cantcope, how you've described it, those are not necessarily or technically incidents of "abuse". But, for anybody, man or woman, who deals like that with their own feelings of frustration, upset, disappointment or anger...it does suggest that some self-management education might be a good idea. At very least they were "violent emotional outbursts", and we all ought to be striving to acquire the skills to minimize or eliminate that type of behaviour.

 

As far as this guy is concerned, though, if you do need to tell him anything at all, just say that he is equally guilty of not having had better coping skills at the time...which is no sin, in and of itself. And then say that at least you are doing something about your lack of skills --what is he doing about his? That is, it's NOT all on you, so you can give him back his 100% of responsibility for his own words and actions that contributed to the incidents.

[Cantcope]

He has been completely blocked from everything in my life, fb, email, calls, texts. The ONLY way he can contact me is in person....or skywriting....

 

I just let him convince me I was horrible. I take FULL responsibility for what I did wrong, and losing my cool was wrong.

 

I like to learn from my mistakes so that I don't repeat the same errors. He is spending his weekends drinking, driving and acting a fool. Who's the child?

 

Know what pisses me off the most about his email??? I'm 34 dammit! NOT 35! lol Bastard!

 

Thanks for hearing me out guys. I appreciate all of the past, present and future advice.

 

[What_Next]

Know what pisses me off the most about his email??? I'm 34 dammit! NOT 35! lol Bastard!

 

At least you have maintained your sense of humor, that is so important.

 

The relationship was toxic, end it, stay away from him, no good can come of it.

 

Self reflecting a little and growing as a person is never a bad thing, use this experience to do so.

 

Good luck to you.