What do I do with the mess my H has created?

[turnstone]

You rock. Absolutely 100%.

 

I think you instinctively know what needs doing and what needs not to be done and you'll handle this whole thing just fine. I also think your husband knows how lucky he is and that's got to be crucial for getting over an affair.

 

The part that still hurts - the fact his inner voice didn't stop him from entering into anything with this woman - is understandable, but I bet that his inner voice was shouting loud and clear, his ego just made him deaf to it. He'll learn, he's had the shock of his life. But I think he'll need building back up after this.

 

Do you plan on going for MC?

[turnera]

That's awesome. In all the time I've done this forum stuff, I've never thought of doing a background check! I'll have to start advising that now!

 

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out their Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, two copies each. Both of you sit down and fill them out. It gives you a roadmap of how to not upset your spouse (LBs) and how to meet their top ENs, so that no other person can ever swoop in and replace you in that EN-meeting role, like she did.

[msladyjane99]

YES to MC! I told him that has to be key to this, because I don't want the repair to be "me" telling him what "I" think needs to be fixed and how. I think it needs to be presented to the both of us, from a independent 3rd party, whether it be a family counselor, marriage counselor or a church priest at our church. I will also look at that link that was just posted.

[msladyjane99]

and the beautiful thing about the Patriot Act that was put in place is ALL information unless it involves minors IS PUBLIC RECORD, you can access anything you want to. My husband is a devoted Glenn Beck watcher, so I knew this would work with snapping him into reality since Glenn Beck always presents the facts on his chalk board and then says, "you know in your gut what the truth is based on the facts presented" So I basically very nicely used Glenn Beck on him and showed him the facts, showed him where I got the facts, incase he had a thought that I made them up from thin air, and said truth as painful as it may seem to your ego, is the same truth that will set you free from the lie that has been manipulated upon you, now you make a decision in using the facts I've presented to you, to tell yourself this is indeed the truth. and yes I know and see he needs building back up, and he needs to feel more important to me than just a paycheck, which he is but I fail to display that enough......and that is something I am willing to work on. This week I'm going to call him one random day about 30 minutes before he has lunch and ask him if he wants to meet at the sandwich shop across the street from his work. I don't want to have set times or stuff like that I'd think it would be more benefically to him if it all was spontanious there for making it more "exciting" in his mind.

[Spark1111]

You rock. Absolutely 100%.

 

I think you instinctively know what needs doing and what needs not to be done and you'll handle this whole thing just fine. I also think your husband knows how lucky he is and that's got to be crucial for getting over an affair.

 

The part that still hurts - the fact his inner voice didn't stop him from entering into anything with this woman - is understandable, but I bet that his inner voice was shouting loud and clear, his ego just made him deaf to it. He'll learn, he's had the shock of his life. But I think he'll need building back up after this.

 

Do you plan on going for MC?

 

Wonderful, mature handling of a messy situation Lady Jane, Be proud.

 

My fWS's xOW was not all she portrayed herself to be either, but he would not see that for a very long time.

 

He just saw what he needed to see, that she saw him as wonderful, and all that adoration cost him thousands of dollars.

 

I too did some investigating. It's amazing the lies I uncovered in her "poor me, my xH is a monster" saga.

[turnera]

I've been trying to build my DH up, as it DOES get results. We got him a puppy, so I took off work and DD19 and I met him at work with the puppy so he could show it off, and brought him lunch, and went to the dog park that happens to be next door to his work. Another day, we met him after work to take him out to eat. Such things mean a lot to him; I couldn't care less if someone did that, but it matters to him, so I do it, to fix the relationship.

[msladyjane99]

OMG NEW UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!

 

As if things are not coming to my biggest fears now........I've already told you all my H works for a large company, engineer, well paid with a security clearance. OW works as a paralegal for a lawyer in another state. My husband's WORK phone numbers and such are not made public nor is he listed in anything other than a company directory.

 

GUESS WHO CALLED HIM FROM AN UNKNOWN NUMBER THIS MORNING ON HIS WORK PHONE AND LEFT A MESSAGE THAT SHE NEEDS TO TALK TO HIM!!!!!!

 

OMFG..........I almost lost it, he send me a text message that made my heart sink this morning when it got out to work, he said "i'm walking out of the building, it will take me 1 minute call me ASAP its an emergancy!

 

So I did and he told me that she left the message and NOW he's losing his mind with OMG YOU WERE SO RIGHT you were sooooo right in all this, now she is stalking me, now I'm going to have to bring this to security and tell them and now my job is going to be scrutinized........

 

so I told him, DO not call her, DO not tell ANYONE, do not do anything yet.

 

Then I call the bit&h up and she's like "who is this, who is this, I have no idea who you are" and I immediately told her to cut the BS she knew exactly who I was, and I wanted to know what she wanted? I said what's your end game? What is it that you want? She started playing dumb saying she didn't know why I would be calling her and all she wanted to make sure of was that my H was ok because HE called her Friday in a distraught condition and she was worried. My reply was that he's perfectly fine and actually sees her clearly for the canieving scheming, attention whore that she is. of course she tried to spin it that my H was the one that pursued her, etc. and he is the one that did all this, and I said yes and you are the one now that you've been told to go away continue to stalk.

 

then she blathered on about how if I were giving him what he needed in life he wouldn't have persued her, and I said, you know what again cut the BS, it was a mutual thing you are both guilty and then I said unfortunately until I showed my husband the light with your background history for what you really are, for him it was complete infatuation, for you it was nothing more than attention whoring because you have psychological issues, in which she kept saying no I don't, and I kept saying yes you certainly do, because what you are doing now is considered stalking.

 

in all of this I didn't yell and I didn't cry, but I very much in a firm angry tone told her she had NO idea who she was messing with and that I would, could and have NO problem with being up into her city (which is mine and H home town--Chicago) within 4 hours and that if she remotely thought I was joking or BS's her I most certainly was not that I would be up there in 4 hours and I would then make it my complete mission to destroy her life completely if that is what she wanted, and I would in 4 hours (I kept repeating the time frame so she doesn't let her guard down) in 4 hours I will be in the office of one of the highest sitting judges in the county she lives in because he just HAPPENS to be a personal friend of my inlaws and my H and I will file the most restrictive daming restraining order against her, as well as make sure she is served at her work place and then her husband will also be added to anything I could legally add him to since they are married, then I proceeded to tell her that I would also find out through the judge exactly how she got his work phone number and if she did it by illegal methods or via her lawyers office place of employment I will then ask the judge what legal filing I can bring against her for that, and now she needed to go away because using your own little words "woman scorned" I said you have NO idea how far I will go to make you go away, and if you don't believe I'd do, you better think again, because I'll make it all happen in 4 hours.

 

Then I told her, the choice is yours my dear, continue to play with fire and I will make sure you get so burned there will be no recovery for you, employment wise, marriage wise, family wise, financially wise. and then I said there is NOTHING left for me to say to you or you to say to me, so I expect that you'll find some ounce of brains you claim to have and go away. and then I hung up.

 

In which I called back my husband and told him and he's like it was most certainly a two way street, and I said I know it was, I'm not stupid I get it all, but going on 3 weeks ago now I told you YOU Had NO idea what the reprecussions of all this could be, and now....the very worst things I told you that were a possibility are starting to take place and you better pray to freaking God that my calling her and my threat was not taken ideally by her and she now goes away, or else we could be in for the biggest fight of our life and you could lose your job over this because your employer is NOT going to want to deal with an employee that they've given a security clearance to and have this going on, they will cut you loose even though you've worked there 25 years.

 

I'm sick to my stomach all over all now for different reasons. and I'm really really really trying to harbor my anger all over again because I simply can't believe he's opened pandora's box and we might not be able to get it closed without severe outfall.

 

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh now I'm late to work............

[msladyjane99]

and yes I made him swear to me on my heart that he did not give her his work number or email address, so I do feel 100% she did not get it from him and she got it somehow illegally through her work at a lawyers office or something and was able to call him that way.

Edited June 16, 2010 by msladyjane99

[msladyjane99]

and through the conversation she kept telling me he was the one calling her, I said look sweetie I have the print outs in front of me of his phone log, it was a 2 way street, and I said he told you nicely more than once to go away, and she tried to tell me he never told her that or she wouldn't have kept calling back, and then I said yea ok more BS because on 2 of those phone calls dear I was sitting right next to him when he called you, and told you clearly, but ah you wouldn't have known I was sitting there, because you were under the impression that each time after a certain point he was still calling you in secrecy but sorry to disappoint you with that not being the case.

[SummerLady]

You need to find a way to tell her husband without first letting either one of them know you plan to do it. Her BH deserves to know what's going on, and I guarantee she won't have as much desire to break up your marriage when she has her own to worry about. Drag this into the light, it loses its appeal there.

 

This is excellent advice. I did this as well. I thought the husband of this woman should know plus she acted the same way, she would not stop texting and emailing and calling. I found his number through a friend of a friend, let's say it was social engineering, ha, friends in high places. I called him and guess what he did not believe me, I offered to forward emails and money transactions and he said no. I think he was thrown. But when her hubby got wind she was no longer a happy camper. Honestly it did not change my decision to leave. I do not feel that I should have to compete or fight for my husband's attention. That was the whole point of the wedding vows. I felt the way this poster felt, I was just tired of it and you know what he won, he got rid of me..I left willingly. For me that is a deal breaker all day...

[2sunny]

i'd now tell her H. he has a right to know who he's married to.

 

good job on the phone call - it would have only been better if your H had that kind of balls to begin with. i hate seeing the BS having to carry the $hit load end of the stick against the OW when it's HIS job to clear things up.

 

i hope he's not always this passive in life. then it makes you have to do all the tough things that come along.

 

what is he doing to make this up to you? how is his demeanor lately?

[turnstone]

Ok, that's all cool and all, but I too would like to see your H taking a more active roll now. For both your sakes, I feel that he needs to be putting his house in order on his own, if not every time there's an incident with the OW, then certainly some of it.

 

Many reasons why I feel this way - she needs to be told by him that its over so she has no reason to think you 'made' him. You know that she's going to be thinking exactly that - you made him do it - because you told her you were sat right by him when he made the calls to her.

 

Also, I think he needs to own the decision of finishing his affair, I think it'd be really unhealthy for him to have the opportunity at any time in the future to think you finished it for him. He wants it over, so he needs to make sure it is.

[turnera]

In the marriagebuilders.com plan for ending an affair, one of the key components is having the WS write a No Contact letter that his/her betrayed spouse reads (to make sure it's not a love letter), and then sends themself. It's necessary for a mental breakaway from the affair.

 

One of the other key components is telling the spouse of the OM/OW so they can monitor from their side.

[msladyjane99]

one thing that has popped into my head in this the last few days, since I believe her vested interest has been nothing more than a con and for money, and my H obviously has stupidity issues, and I found the laundry list of monetary issues with her and her current H has a bankruptcy this past year......What if he's in on it too? What if he does know about it and they are both into a con game, him using her for her ability to con and they are a husband/wife con team and he condones all of it? I mean yes it could be a stretch but so far everything I've seen, nothing would surprise me. OR maybe he is not and he doesn't know.

[msladyjane99]

and their home number is unlisted, i've tried information and there is no listing. that being the case would a non return blank envelope addressed to her husband do the job? assuming of course she doesn't get the mail and open it.....

[2sure]

I have been in your shoes, more than once, with the same man, and several different train wrecks. Oops, OW.

 

First, we are divorcing so take whatever I have that can help you and leave the rest.

 

If you have her cell number, simply pay between 5-20 dollars on line to a search service that will give you her full name, address, and the names of others living in her house. Then either call or send her H anything you want.

 

But: She is a train wreck, who cares?

 

Next: You asked WHY. why did he do this, why did he need to do this, how could he do this.

Whether your marriage recovers or does not...whether you have all or some of the issues all marriages come to have at one time or another....the WHY is answered one way only:

 

Because he was selfish. Thats the ONLY reason. The rest is justification. In your H's case he was selfish and stupid.

 

So, there ya go.

[Corporate]

and their home number is unlisted, i've tried information and there is no listing. that being the case would a non return blank envelope addressed to her husband do the job? assuming of course she doesn't get the mail and open it.....

 

If you want his phone number, you will find it, whether it's home or work. Do you know his full name?

[msladyjane99]

i looked up the tax records to find his full name...... so yes I do . there home number is unlisted

[Corporate]

i looked up the tax records to find his full name...... so yes I do . there home number is unlisted

 

Have you try:

 

http://www.peoplefinder.com/

 

http://www.peoplelookup.com/people-search.html?matchtype=Exact&gclid=CKSqtZrMp6ICFdFM5wod0wzPSQ

 

How about facebook to see if he has an account? Just google his name and the word "facebook." Create an extra facebook account for yourself just for this purpose and IM him.

[msladyjane99]

Interestingly enough.... I did just go look him up with my "extra FC account" I already have to keep tabs on my kids. and well he's not there, so I thought who knows maybe he uses his middle name or something as his first name, I know a lot of guys that do that, so I went back to look her up to see if he is listed on her friend list.........GUESS WHAT? She is GONE, disappeared, completely deleted her account! Guess she's not wanting anyone to find out what she is really all about........

[2sunny]

check your husband's facebook acct now - she MAY have tried friending him now with a different name you both wouldn't suspect - hoping he would accept even though he may not be sure who it might be.

 

if she's a sneaky con - she will continue to try to fool him - to gain access to him and his emotionally weak side. posing as someone else is not beyond this type of con.

 

have him check.

[msladyjane99]

check your husband's facebook acct now - she MAY have tried friending him now with a different name you both wouldn't suspect - hoping he would accept even though he may not be sure who it might be.

 

I made him delete it last weekend in front of me. It's gone.

[turnera]

The one you know of.

[2sunny]

The one you know of.

 

this is what my gut says too.

 

have you asked him point blank if he has another FB acct besides the one that was apparently closed? or one that she could have access to?

 

keep in mind - she also did get his work number when you said there was no way of her doing that - so something is certainly "off" as far as what she knows about contacting him...

 

either he gave her ways to reach him or she has certain ways of contacting him that you're previously not aware of. i get the feeling there's still something he hasn't yet told you.

 

ask him. ask him how she would have known his number. see what his reaction is and pay attention to his body language when you ask.

[RegardingMe]

You can reactivate for up to 2 weeks, the facebook account.