What do I do with the mess my H has created?

[Fight4Me]

I'll repeat this again. You need to tell her husband! It isn't about revenge. It is human decency. Her BS is married to someone who is obsessed with another man. No doubt he is confused about his wife's recent behavior, but doesn't know what to do about it. The reason why you do it without either your WH or his OW knowing is so she can't come up with a bull**** story that there's a crazy woman who might call about her having an A.

 

If you don't tell him, they won't have a chance to fix their marriage. This disturbed woman will not get professional help, and if she and your WH don't take the A underground (prepaid cellphone), she'll be onto someone else eventually... destroying another marriage.

[MizFit]

I'll repeat this again. You need to tell her husband! It isn't about revenge. It is human decency. Her BS is married to someone who is obsessed with another man. No doubt he is confused about his wife's recent behavior, but doesn't know what to do about it. The reason why you do it without either your WH or his OW knowing is so she can't come up with a bull**** story that there's a crazy woman who might call about her having an A.

 

If you don't tell him, they won't have a chance to fix their marriage. This disturbed woman will not get professional help, and if she and your WH don't take the A underground (prepaid cellphone), she'll be onto someone else eventually... destroying another marriage.

 

I still think she shouldn't tell the H, but for different reasons now. Before I felt it was to have an ace in the hole. Now I think she has no intention of staying with her H and if the H knows it gives her the 'out' she's probably looking for. She appears to be a loose cannon and I would imagine she's being reckless and it's a matter of time before she's caught anyway.

[demrea]

i dont get all the drama ... so he has been having texts with an old high school girl friend, is your marriage that shakey that its a threat to you?

 

i dunno, why do women get so worked up, if he has been with you for 25 years it doesnt mean he is dead.

 

its almost like you need to create a problem for the drama and tension. i been with my wife almost 20 years and i dont give a flying frack who she talks to.

 

i dunno, i went back and read your OP and his crime was he was going to go out with her? and do what? dancing? walking? shopping? what was it?

 

are you that fragile? does meeting up an old friend automatically mean he is gonna impregnate her?

 

maybe im confused, what are you worried about? if you think your husband is capable of cheating, why dont you work on the issues that are giving you cause to feel this way?

[MizFit]

i dont get all the drama ... so he has been having texts with an old high school girl friend, is your marriage that shakey that its a threat to you?

 

i dunno, why do women get so worked up, if he has been with you for 25 years it doesnt mean he is dead.

 

its almost like you need to create a problem for the drama and tension. i been with my wife almost 20 years and i dont give a flying frack who she talks to.

 

i dunno, i went back and read your OP and his crime was he was going to go out with her? and do what? dancing? walking? shopping? what was it?

 

are you that fragile? does meeting up an old friend automatically mean he is gonna impregnate her?

 

maybe im confused, what are you worried about? if you think your husband is capable of cheating, why dont you work on the issues that are giving you cause to feel this way?

 

Well...he has a history of it is a huge thing for me. He was going to go out with her for the day and didn't tell his wife. The reactions of both of them from the moment of being confronted pretty well points to an A. What in all of this is telling you it's innocent?

[demrea]

You OBVIOUSLY don't know what an affair is, how an affair starts, what emotional affair means, how destructive it is, etc. You're clearly ignorant on this subject.

 

ok .. lets say i dont know ... my point is why make drama over an affair that didnt happen?

 

use that energy to resolve the issues that led to him going down that path to begin with..

 

all i read was that he stopped the course of action and the OW keeps the contact going despite his efforts. the OP is focused on how that continued contact is disrupting her life and thats what the drama is about.

 

how about using that energy to figure out what is wrong in the marriage and making it right? stopping the OW from contacting her husband is just a bandaid over the real issue, whatever it is ..

 

frankly, i think many people (especially women) just prefer the drama and the attention it brings instead of looking for the real issue. oh noes, fix the real issue and the drama goes away and then life is boring and no one will pay attention to their boring life?

 

anyhow .. sorry if i am being judgemental, i truly hope the OP can find peace.

[MizFit]

ok .. lets say i dont know ... my point is why make drama over an affair that didnt happen?

 

use that energy to resolve the issues that led to him going down that path to begin with..

 

all i read was that he stopped the course of action and the OW keeps the contact going despite his efforts. the OP is focused on how that continued contact is disrupting her life and thats what the drama is about.

 

how about using that energy to figure out what is wrong in the marriage and making it right? stopping the OW from contacting her husband is just a bandaid over the real issue, whatever it is ..

 

frankly, i think many people (especially women) just prefer the drama and the attention it brings instead of looking for the real issue. oh noes, fix the real issue and the drama goes away and then life is boring and no one will pay attention to their boring life?

 

anyhow .. sorry if i am being judgemental, i truly hope the OP can find peace.

 

So...someone breaks into your house and don't quite get to the family jewels before you disturb them...you don't think the locks should be replaced so you and your family feel safe?

[demrea]

So...someone breaks into your house and don't quite get to the family jewels before you disturb them...you don't think the locks should be replaced so you and your family feel safe?

 

yes i do feel they should be replaced ... using your example and relating it to my point .... the OP is spending so much energy on her feelings about the break in and not focusing on why her house was targeted and what besides changing the locks can be done.

 

hey, my whole point is, just seems like a lot of drama and energy is being spent on missing the point!

[MizFit]

yes i do feel they should be replaced ... using your example and relating it to my point .... the OP is spending so much energy on her feelings about the break in and not focusing on why her house was targeted and what besides changing the locks can be done.

 

hey, my whole point is, just seems like a lot of drama and energy is being spent on missing the point!

 

When you've been broken into you secure with what you have and then you work on the new alarm system.

 

In all honesty I wouldn't be worrying about it cause I'd have ended the marriage at the first infidelity no questions asked, but we're all different. When I look at her perspective she is doing just what she needs to now and then on with the underlying issues.

 

We disagree...not a problem with it. The thing is, as you said, she finds peace.

[2sunny]

call the other woman's husband. he has a right to know what kind of cheater he's married to just as much as you do. to keep him in the dark isn't fair to him.

 

only understand it's not YOUR fault - it's hers. SHE created this for HER life... so don't begin to allow her to point the finger at anyone but her - and your husband. she will now take the consequences for her bad behavior just as your H will need to as well.

 

he can't let her go because he's in the affair fog. i'd tell him if he ever contacts her in any way, shape or form - it's over. he's in a fantasy land when he thinks about her. he may love the rescue mode. it makes him feel valued, important.

 

he needs counseling to understand why he did this and what he can work on in order to never risk going to that place again.

 

he was obviously contacting her behind your back after you told him to not contact any further.

 

her number was blocked... yet she got through - how? i'd want to know - i'd DEMAND to know. who's to say he won't sneak and give her another way to access him in the future - he will get more sneaky about keeping in touch with her... he acts like a typical cake eater... appeasing you while keeping the attention from her going too. as long as you don't find out - he will try it. he told her not to call yet he kept talking to her. i would have thrown his sorry a$$ out right then and there. his actions don't match his words = he's lying! with little thought for how it affects YOUR feelings.

 

WHERE IS HIS CONSEQUENCE? his phone number is changed? that isn't enough! he's not scared at all... he knows you will stay and put up with more - your actions have proved this to him. call her H. file a restraining order. divorce him if her doesn't go along with all of it. he may learn that his actions hurt many people and he shouldn't have some consequences for bad behavior. he just thinks you forgive and he goes along doing what he wants as long as you don't find out.

 

does he have a secret phone - he may try... separate email address? get a keylogger on the computer. check his phone bill. put a voice recorder in his car.

 

HE should actually be willing to PROVE to YOU that he is willing to change all the mess he's made...

[RegardingMe]

My DH just told my you can reactivate your facebook for up to two weeks.

[msladyjane99]

ok I had a big long thing typed out and for whatever reason I lost it.

 

so long story short for right now ALL I HAVE IS HER cell phone number, that is what is blocked from texting but make no matter now he has a new number. so texting is out, emails are out (i made him change that too) facebook is gone.

 

SO I looked her up on the switchboard and what not and all I can find is her address, she's outside Chicago but NO number listed. SO how in the world would i contact him, and really as much as I'd like to bring her world crumbling down, she's on her 3rd marriage, holy carp, I'm sure it's not destine to be a long one as she is miserable, this could possibly be the thing he needs to get rid of her as the wife the 3rd time, that would free up alot of her time, to continue to persue my H.

[turnera]

Jane,

 

Don't call the BH. It takes away your power.

I completely disagree. I've learned from true stories on other websites that calling the OW's husband is an EXCELLENT way to stop the affair.

 

Once you stop it, THEN you can work on your marriage. Until you remove the DRUG that the affair addiction places in your spouse's body by getting rid of OW, anything else is a waste of time.

[jnj express]

Hey ladyJane----You have an address don't you---write the OW;s H. a letter explaining what was/is going on---If you have some proof stick it in the letter---The other H. is entitled to know who he is living with. After that----that's it, all contact is shut off----Except that one of your boundaries needs to be --that your H. immediately contact you if OW, tries to contact him in any way, shape, or form

 

You just never know what kind of person/thing you are letting into your life when you cheat----carefree ends, from now on its nothing but tension and distrust----Do the best you can---but do keep vigilance on your H's activities, lest he goes underground and tries to continue the A.----Remember he is a liar, manipulator, conniver, and a cheat---no matter what you wanna believe about him.

[turnstone]

LadyJane, there seems to be a type of man who is driven to seek out extra marital affairs with no intention of leaving his wife, they are not looking for an exit affair. These men are the serial affair type, never really loving their OW, but wanting the attention, sexual and otherwise they can get from them. The men that want this all appear to be successful, powerful even, with good marriages, attractive, intelligent, independent wives and lots of sex with her, but nevertheless it seems they still want more. I have no idea why, I'm still trying to figure that one out.

 

I don't know if your husband fits that type, but he seems to certainly have the basis for it, but this would be his first affair, and maybe you can nip this in the bud. I'm an advocate of kicking the WS out, of removing oneself as the BS as an option for them. It seems to me that fast, decisive action, taken by the WS is the only way to resolve the situation whether that be through divorce or reconciliation.

 

But I don't think that's what you're asking now? I'm unclear what you need here apart from an answer to 'why?'. He has changed his number, got rid of Facebook etc., what more do you require him to do? What isn't he doing?

 

Are you asking whether or not to contact the OW H? If you are, I feel the only reason to do that is if your H is still caught up in this and hasn't fully committed to working on your marriage. Is that how it seems to you?

[turnera]

Contacting the OW's H is to get HIM to stop HER. If he knows what she's doing, he can take steps to stop her from their side.

[msladyjane99]

Are you asking whether or not to contact the OW H? If you are, I feel the only reason to do that is if your H is still caught up in this and hasn't fully committed to working on your marriage. Is that how it seems to you?

 

No, the self destructive angry very hurting part of me really wants to execute revenge and make her have some pain in her life. but the more I think about it the less realistic it seems that would be the case. She already has pain, she is in a miserable 3rd marriage. I have now created the most pain I can and removed her complete ability to make contact with him. Hence, facebook is gone, email address changed, phone number changed. Because OBVIOUSLY no I don't trust him any longer. I don't know what to believe or not to believe but I do know there is NO way for me to move forward and attempt to get counseling with him, if in my mind there is any thought that she is still able to make contact with him.

 

now i've made it completely clear to him that short of her showing up on our doorstep to make contact with him, that if she finds ANYTHING other method.....I'll have known he gave it to her and at that point he is immediately gone. no if's and's or but's about it, gone.

 

I have spent my entire life be week emotionally due to many factors in my life, i have spent my entire life being financially dependent on him. Now that is all changed. I have a very well paying job, I never let him talk me into moving into a giant 400k house, since I've gotten this job he's tried many times to do that, and I never wanted to get into a position now in the last 5 years that I couldn't pay for my house on my own if I needed to.

 

I have also told him if she shows up here with nothing of his doing that is now moved to stalking and if that happens I will have a restraining order on her in however long it takes me to get to the police station in town.

 

but I also worry and I tried to explain to him that he has no idea what he's done, just because he knew her in HS doesn't mean she is anything like that now, now he has NO clue who she really is, because he kept saying things like "she'd never do that, she'd never do this" Really how would you know, you've only been in contact with her for 3 weeks? I said to him, do you know how insanely ridiculous AND ludicrious that statement is? I kept repeating it was completely impossible to "know" someone in 3 weeks and that he's invented in his mind some fantasy based on 30 years ago on what he thinks he knows.

 

Then I told him, I think she's whacked out, she told him she was worried that I would come find her and physically assault her now that I was a "scorned woman", in my mind I would like nothing more than to go beat the ever living he** out of her", but obviously I can't do that. But now I pointed out to him that she is now the "scorned woman" because she's been shut out completely, because she can't now make contact, and that we attempted to do it his way, by him telling her in front of me, but he "feels bad" for her and she knows this, so each time after he tells her, she call's back and he feels he has to "clarify" things to her again in which the second he answers the phone it starts all over again........and she starts with "I don't understand how we can't make this work as friends"....and I told him I call BS on it, he can't not do it, and if he doesn't want his head to spin off his body with me going and filing for divorce immediately and seeking complete revenge with him financially by taking him to the cleaners because I am so hurt and angry that were doing this my way or no way.

 

Then I told him this was the things movies are made of, Fatal attraction---it all went bad as soon as the H tried to end it. Joey Buttafucco tried to end it with Amy Fisher after his wife found out and we know what Amy did, knocked on the door, wife answered, she shot her in the face. Then he says "she'd never do that", in which I replied "really?, how the F*** would you know, remember YOU DON'T KNOW HER, you know a girl from 30 YEARS AGO"!!!!

 

so since I have all the passwords to everything including his on line access to his place of employement I can see everything, he has nothing beyond one credit card and one atm card, I have all the bills set up on line, I have all the access to the bank info and on line credit monitoring, I would know in a moment if he tried to open a new card, use an existing card or attempted to buy himself or her a cell phone for private use. a girlfriend a long time ago told me regardless of how good your marriage is you should never be in the dark about where your money is and who's using it and for what, best advice ever given.

 

anyway what i had written yesterday but then when I went to hit post, it all disappeared, was that I discovered what I think is the issue on what he gets from her and the few previous ow's that I don't give him, because seriously on all accounts I really did feel over the last 5 years our marriage has been the best it ever has over the 25 years, we do "his hobbies" together, we have dinner, we do things, we engage with the kids together, we have been making more decisions on things around the house together where as in the past I would always just take charge and not ask him his opinion on a wall color because I figured he didn't care. We have sex, probably on average once or twice a day every day, assuming it is not that time of the month. So this whole thing really has come as a blowing shock to me.

 

so yesterday in the shower it kind of came to me in a light bulb fashion that the one thing he's gotten from her and previously that he doesn't from me, is I don't/won't/haven't participated in his misery with him. he is a pessimest and I am an optimist we both have always been that way. as he gets older he gets worse, with his complaining and his mother has gotten worse as time goes on so I figured he got that from her. Anytime he tries to complain about anything that in my mind I deem ridiculous to complain about i brush it off. I look at it as misery loves company and I won't partake because I don't want to be miserable. So when ever he starts complianing about his job, or stress from it, I listen for about 2 minutes or so, and then I say "i know it's hard right now but we should really focus on the fact that in this economy you have a job" then I end the conversation.

 

so all along I've been thinking if I don't let him dwell in misery or partake in it, then he'll move past it and see he's not going to take me on the misery path with him. So he showed me the initial emails with her that started with him TELLING HER how stressed and miserable his job is right now and how he's working 60 hours on average a week, and that I don't understand how tired he is............and guess what happened she picked up without a beat and feed into his misery by feeding his ego on what a great guy he is, blabh blabh blabh and in turn she shared all her misery with him, in turn feeding his ego even more because of course he could help her feel better because he completely understand her misery because he to doesn't have anyone to listen to him complain about stuff. so i feel it was a self feeding situation that did just happen, I don't think based on reading their first weeks email exchange on catching up with what has been going on since HS and the friends they had that he had an intentions of this spinning out of control the way it did. I also think most of it was fantasy in his head, because she was feeding his ego with the one thing I won't which is misery and needyness.

 

I am a very independent girl, I always have been, I don't ask him for help around the house, I don't dumb down my intelligence for him by saying "oh honey can you help me hang this curtain I just can't figure out how to do that" I thought by being independent and intelligent he could relate to me without issue because he is very intelligent when it comes to things and work. but I guess I have in fact created a void of needyness for him by being so independent.

 

so last night was the first night in 2 weeks that I have actually slept more than 3 to 4 hours. and before I went to bed I told him, I'm not sure how we fix this because I don't feel he's really experienced anything truly in his life that would create him to want to be miserable a majority of the time. He's never lost a loved one, his parents are still alive, his grandparents died when he was small, he only has one brother who's a complete train wreck and still lives with his parents, he's never been told no to anything in life, he's always been handed everything he's ever asked for since he's been old enough to ask. my mother died when I was 14, then my 2 grandfathers the year after, my uncle the year after that and my only sister 10 years ago. that is misery. not self induced misery, that is real misery, which is why I don't play into his self induced misery because I think it has no concrete substance to it. maybe I'm wrong, maybe it should be as valid as my misery?

 

so I told him I don't know how to move forward because I don't think that I should be made miserable to give him the "fix" he's looking for and needing and getting from OW. I think it happened all easy for him because he had easy access to her on facebook, she friended him first, she made herself available and for whatever reason I can't explain he went along with it. I don't think had he been on facebook any of this would have happened.

 

so why am I hear and posting, because this is/was my only outlet other than talking with him. I have no mom to turn to, I have no sister, I have a few girlfriends I have confided in, one tells me to stay and work it out even though she's indisbelief she has known us for 20 years and feels that he does love me and the kids and made a graveous mistake. the other friend is divorced and her advice is to leave him immediately and take him to the cleaners. no one else in my family could I bear to tell any of this too, even though I did nothing I am embarrassed beyond belief that he has done this to us. No different than if he were busted by the cops for smoking crack on the street, embarrassing.

 

so I have been doing a lot of online reading through all this and what I'm leaning towards is he is a cake eater and I did tell him that initially before I read about it on line. He's never been told no, he needs to feed his ego/misery, I haven't been doing that, but overall he loves me and our life but needs this for some reason, until I have finally stood up to him as soon as I figured it crossed the line of EA and told him NO this is not ok nor is it acceptable and you can't have your cake and eat it and have your ice cream side dish and nor can it ever happen again, ever, because there is no more chances, none, this is it. In the past I've never been strong enough to say that, I have just let it go any the "friend" just ends up going away, I suppose through bordem. this time it's different again I am self sustaining financially, I am a stronger person because of it, knowledge is power and I have been spending the last 5 years empowering myself. I think it also scares him now to realize I don't need him and I can make it without him, I think that has played into it also, the OW "needed" him, even though I think it was/is more a fantasy situation, in his warped mind of bad choices I think he quickly convienced himself that he could help her not be miserable by talking with her, when in reality he's been feeding her problem with misery and having his fed in return.

 

so after the dust settles I'm not sure what will happen, but I do know for sure that we/he have to figure out his self created misery situation and how and what to do about that in order to fix this and I think it will take that of a therapist to make that happen. and that I have to stay firm in my decision and not emotionally wishy washy that he thinks this will all be done and forgotten in a week and I'll get over it all.......I've been consistent with him on my expectations and that this is a starting over point everything is new now that he's blown the trust out the door.

 

and to the person who said what's the big deal I let my wife do whatever....well I'm not nor did I think I was nor was it ever on the table in my marriage that it was acceptable to do whatever it is you wanted to with who ever you want. HAD that been the case, this wouldn't be so shocking to me, but since it wasn't and this was all done in secrecy on his behalf, yes I'm shocked, I'm angry, my heart is broken, and everything I thought is now shattered. and yes since it was done in secrecy and yes since he was giving of himself to the OW I do feel I have every right to feel the way I do about it regardless if anyone else thinks it's trivial.

 

thank you to everyone who has listened to this, I needed a safe place to talk about all of this.

[msladyjane99]

Contacting the OW's H is to get HIM to stop HER. If he knows what she's doing, he can take steps to stop her from their side.

 

this is apparently her and his 3rd marriage, something tells me if he found out, he'd cut her lose because they both are unhappy apparently. my thought is that 3 marriages don't just happen for a reason other than.......issues and problems, so both of them might just chalk it up to oh well, what's a 3rd divorce. now I have psycho OW on my hands with NOTHING to lose in her life because I don't think she cares what she loses.

[msladyjane99]

and i also do feel that cutting off any ability of contact will just help him come out of is little concocted fantasy world of thinking that someone would truly need him that badly that he's only known three weeks and the reality of how ridiculous that all sounds. each day she can't make contact with him and keep him involved in her misery is another day that she can't feed his ego that he can start to look at all of this with the clear reality that he's really f****** things up and he has a lot of work to do to fix it. I know he know's he's had screwed up things but for him to see how clearly he has screwed it up she has to be completely out of the picture. and that a simple apology and a i'm sorry isn't making this go away or fix it. and I don't believe you can emotionally detach from the situation and get to reality if you don't cut out all forms of communication.

 

He told me last night now he does not want "us" or "him" to go to his HS 30th reunion, which is what was planned for Oct, now he's afraid that the OW will show up there, since she was signed up to go also, but she might decide to go without her H and something bad could/would happen, like she might decide to publically humiliate him in front of everyone for revenge of cutting her off cold turkey---which she is now the scorned woman and a possibility and he wouldn't want me put through that because his words "i''ve done enough damage in all of this I don't want to do anymore to kill your heart".

[msladyjane99]

LadyJane, there seems to be a type of man who is driven to seek out extra marital affairs with no intention of leaving his wife, they are not looking for an exit affair. These men are the serial affair type, never really loving their OW, but wanting the attention, sexual and otherwise they can get from them. The men that want this all appear to be successful, powerful even, with good marriages, attractive, intelligent, independent wives and lots of sex with her, but nevertheless it seems they still want more. I have no idea why, I'm still trying to figure that one out.

 

Turnstone yes this does seem to fit him. He has a great job, if anyone at his work found out about this, they'd be beyond shocked, they all know me and we do ball games and picnics together and they all tell me they wish their wife was more like me and they all tell him ALL THE TIME what a great wife he has he should be lucky. He has a huge ego, he can be and is a lot of the time arrogant and I think that is because he was raised to have whatever he wants whenever with no one saying no, and no one questioning it. He is an engineer and his job in very demanding and he is a very compartmized person, everything has to be in its place always. in my heart i don't think he's "in love" I think he is in fantasy with someone that is feeding his ego/misery needs. I hope you and I or someone figures it out why they behave in just such a completely ridiculous manner.

[turnera]

The best way to stop a runaway nutcase is to let everyone know about her. Once everyone knows WHY she is acting out, they will not tolerate it.

[jnj express]

Hey LadyJane----bottom line in this whole deal is, your beef is with your H., and not the nutcase OW, he brought into your life----You DID NOT take weddings vows with her---you DO NOT deal in real life issues with her----you DO NOT go thru emegencies with her----unless she does, what would cause you to get a R. O.--forget about her----deal with your problem---that being your H., who brought this nutcase into your life.

 

Maybe you should start working your H. into the mge., in giving him lots of tasks to do that involve him more in the mge.

 

One other thing---for him to continue in the mge---MAKE him sign a POST-NUPTUAL AGREEMENT----giving away everything in a divorce settlement should he cheat again in any way shape or form----This will show you how serious he REALLY is about the mge.---Also make him sign a DURESS clause stating the PN-was not signed under duress---- and take it to a notary

[White Flower]

I need a weekend to get a change of scenery. But how should I react or what is normal to do when the OW will not drop it?

I will offer advise as the OW. Answer her text from his phone saying,

 

This is his wife and I read his texts all the time because, after all, his cell phone is community property. Don't text him anymore, nothing you say or do gets passed me. That includes emails, calls, and texts.

 

Tell her as long as she stays away you won't tell her H but if she CONTINUES to harrass your H she can bet her bottom dollar her H will be informed.

 

I don't understand MOW at all who don't get the clue the first time. MM specifically chose MW so they don't have to go through this shyte.

 

Yes, you need a weekend away but you know you can't watch him if you do. Why don't you set up a couple's weekend away?

 

Ah! I see I came late to this thread. That teaches me to read on through before posting, sorry!

Edited June 13, 2010 by White Flower

[Fight4Me]

Just want you to know that it is so unbelievably common for past "loves" (I put that in quotes for a reason) to find one another on Facebook and other social networking sites. It wasn't apparent to me until my fWH's OW (blast from the past) sought him out. In fact, I later found out she had been looking for him for sometime and even admitted to knowing he would be married with children when she finally did. That speaks a lot to her motives, but still, all the blame lays squarely at my fWH's feet.

 

And I've got to tell you, there is a huge ego boost to hear "I never stopped loving you." It was only a matter of weeks before my own husband began rewriting marital history. He somehow had forgotten that long ago, he chose me over her when she expressed a desire to fight for him. That's right, he married me, and it's actually quite a lovely story of romance. He convinced himself that because we were opposites in so many ways, that it was now a problem, whereas before he would boast about how we literally completed one another. What one of us lacked, the other made up for, and visa versa. We both literally made each other better people. He lost sight of that, but thank GOD, he realized what he almost threw away.

 

If there's one good thing that comes from these situations, it's that you learn not to take one another for granted anymore. You live each day as if it were your last, and when he goes out the door to work, he stops and prays with me, and thanks God for intervening before irreparable damage was done. We look back over our 20 years of marriage and realize it is all wonderful and good, even with the ups and downs of life.

 

Be encouraged. I pray that all works out and that your WH begins to wake up and see what treasure he already has right in front of him.

 

This psycho has nothing on you..... NOTHING!

[turnstone]

Ok, LadyJane, you have this nailed down. You're saying he needs his negative feelings validated (and I'm not casting aspersions about that) and that's something I gather that you have been unable to do. There is bound to be more to it than that and I suspect that the lack of financial reliance on him may well have reduced his 'worth' to you in his own mind, especially if he values himself on how much money/status/power/influence he brings to the party. But I'm just going to focus on those negative traits of his here.

 

You refer to those feelings of his as 'misery' and 'self-induced', which along with how you describe how you tend to handle him when he's in this state, makes it seem to me that you're somewhat dismissive of the negative thoughts he may have. I don't believe that that's the most effective way to encourage someone to get a grip and deal with it. And please excuse me if I sound harsh, but it would also seem like its not been a very effective way to encourage intimacy and understanding between you either.

 

Please don't think I'm being in any way critical of you or your actions. I'm really not. I'm trying to understand what's going on here, maybe see it how he's seeing it, and I am not saying that this excuses him and his choices whatsoever. I'm on your side, believe me.

 

The way I see situations where someone is in a hole of negativity - self-induced or not - is that I can do one of three things for them. I can sympathise and jump right into the hole with them (which is what he was getting from the OW), which feels good for a short time but palls after a while when we realise they're both stuck in the situation now and start blaming each other for it. Alternatively, I could walk on past the hole saying 'you got yourself into it, find your own solution', which while understandable, could leave the person in the hole feeling abandoned. Finally, I could find the hole, say to the person 'that's rubbish for you' and then teach them how to climb out.

 

Look, you're intelligent, articulate and more besides, you've faced cliffs of despair and dealt with them, so it would seem to me that with some MC and IC (for him, maybe for you?) you'd be the perfect person to show him how to scale a few walls. You've already got him starting to do the right things for recovery, and that's says a lot to me.

 

I'm not stating any of this as though I think its gospel. Its just the way it looks to me and I'm not saying you 'should' do anything. Except maybe be true to yourself.

[msladyjane99]

update......

 

Well I'm hoping that my posts and updates will become fewer and further between. I'm very glad I have found this website, it's given me great advice when I was hurting badly (I still am hurting but it's not smarting as bad, it feels now like a fresh bruise) and I feel I have been given some great advice to find the issues, work the issues and find a way with counseling to get through this.

 

We spent the weekend talking and talking and talking some more, and I saw how clearly he was not in love but infatuated with all the attention she bestoyed on him and he told me alot more of the things she told him.

 

so while he was telling me things, because I already saw things that didn't add up in my mind with some of the stuff, red flad guts things that make most women say.....somoene is a liar where going off in a major way for me.

 

so yesterday I decided to do a little investigative work on my own, to one either disprove my thoughts as simply anger, rage, devestation.....revenge towards this woman OR validate my deeper seeeded thought that she's nothing more than an attention whoring liar, manipulater, out to win herself something.

 

Guess what I found in the court public records??? Keeping in mind she told him that she had 1 DUI that cost her 54000,00 to get out and a few other "fee" sorry for me things.

 

It couldn't have been more validating to my gut insides. I found a MASSIVE list of things for the last 17 years that she's been taken to court for. ALL IN ALL things that were filed against her for NON PAYMENT or broken contracts. Ever item and there were almost 14 was for a substainal amount she was ordered to pay, $5400 was one item for furniture she bought, huh I guess she left a zero off that and whipped into a feel bad for me story I got a DUI that cost me 54000.

 

other judgements against her were for $4000., $5000. and the most crucial piece of evidence to seal it all in my mind was she is under a current problem for $4670.

 

SO I wrote down the website I found all this at, I wrote down the amount and to who she had to pay and why, they were all failure to pay a contract, so i.e. she has a habitual problem with buying massive amounts of shi* and not paying for them.

 

So when my husband came home yesterday I told him I wanted to talk to him and share some things that I put all together yesterday based on what my gut was telling me.

 

at first he was shocked, 2nd disbelief, 3 more shock, 4th, more shocked that he was hood winked, lied to, manipulated, and that he feel for it and didn't realized what was going on because it was all going so fast.

 

so in my gut here is what I think happened, she has issues obviously, she's looking for "someone" to be her best friend, for no more than she needs a best friend because who else would you borrow money from eventually? My H just happened to respond to her friend request and hell she could have sent out 15 to men and he or more than him responded and she's playing the field, and as I gavehim this exact senario that again he couldn't possible know her in 3 weeks, he mentally had the knowledge of her from 30 years ago and that he was probably not the only one that she was stringing along soley.

 

So she kept using the whole "I don't want your marriage to break up" line, verbally, but phyically she wouldn't keep texting or calling him, that tells me she had ulitimately wanted me to get rid of him, because then the whole time she's telling him she doesn't want that, of course secretly she does, but just so in his eyes she's not the bad person. Then when that would have happened I told him she would have went full blown for the kill on your friendship, because she of course asked him what he did for a living and he told her and her response was "wow, I beat you make great money".......hummm, uh huh. Then of course she told him there was a headquarters of his company in her city and he could "always move there if anything happens with your marriage" again, really? holy cow.

 

So I believe she was going to take it as far as she could, including breaking us up totally getting him 1000% commited to her through ego and misery and poor me stories, so that when the time was just right she could go cry to him about how this big bad thing happened to her and she needs to borrow some money (about $4600) and she doesn't know who else to turn to, except for her very very best freind in the world.......him.

 

and that when she was done running through his money with her dysfuncational issues, she would drop him like the fool he's been because he's not worthless to her, and she'd move on to the next fool.

 

and through out this entire week that she kept claiming verbally to him that she didn't want to break up his marriage she just wants to be friends, she also continued to beg him to meet her for lunch THIS COMING SATURDAY! I told him don't you see this all so much more clearly for what it all is? I said had she really ever wanted to be nothing more than friends with you and respect your marriage she would have never called or text you back after the first time you asked her to stop. She had too much to lose by letting you go and it wasn't emotional for her, it was about an underlying con she was playing you for, you were her mark.

 

I also told him about a gal I worked with 19 years ago that met a guy on a whirlwind romance, she was 43 he was 33, married after only knowing each other a month, and in a years time he opened up and used up $700000. in cc bills, used an alias to get married left her high and dry, never to be seen from or heard from again, and she was stuck with ever penny of that debt.

 

And the "old" me from last week would have thrown this in his face like a righteous wife and said "I TOLD YOU SO"! But instead I tried a new approach with myself and I told him very nicely that I didn't want to say I told you so, I didn't want to rub his face in that, I didn't want to hurt his feelings or his little infatuaction bubble, but I also said to him, the truth will set you free, and the truth does not lie.

 

I also told him I understood how it must feel to have someone tell him all those wonderful ego feeding thing, but I didn't undstand and it would take along time for me to get past the fact that he didn't have a inner voice that said "stop this is wrong" and stop when the line was being crossed, that I think has been the most hurtful thing, more so than the fact that it happened.

 

so now that she has been exposed for what she really is, I did send her an anonymous text saying "now that u have been disconnected from the situation u need to go away or u will find out the hard way through a restraining order that I make sure your husband and employer get a copy of"

 

some probably won't agree with the anonymous but I'm quite sure she'll know exactly who it's from. I did not want to have any type of conversation with her, I did not want to give her anymore control or power by being able to respond to me, nor do I want her to have anymore of our numbers or anything.

 

last night at bedtime my H started crying and said to me he can't believe how badly he's hurt me and what a mess he's created and it seemed sincere so I took as being that. I told him that I am still very hurt very angry my heart is still very broken but that we can hopefully with help get past this, even easier now that he sees the truth for what it is.