msladyjane99 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 This is my first time posting, and I have no one to talk to so I'm hoping some sound advice will help me. I've just caught (1 week ago today) my H in an emotional affair with a gal from HS that caught up with him on FB. First time speaking to her in 30 yrs, has been conversing with her now for 3 weeks, was planning on going out of town to meet up with her for the day, until I busted him and he was like a deer in the headlights. This is not the 1st time this has happened, but it's the 1st time I've been emotionally and financially in a position that I was not going to tolerate it after 25 yrs of marriage. long story short is I told him flat out it's her or me and the kids, there is no eating your cake and having the ice cream too. He didn't get the whole EA thing until I printed off hords of info from the computer and with papers showing him that every phase he used to deny it all were all listed as warning signals. I told him had to make a choice and that I was not willing to wait for him to get up the courage to end it with her. and I will mention she is married (for the 3rd time) and her current husband has NO idea what has been going on. Now he has ended it with her, at first he thought it was ok to continue now that he had told me about it, but I told him it was not. I told him that if he were to end it that he could do it in front of me so I knew he did and could believe him and not be put in a position of saying he took care of it, but really he would still be able to tell her to call him at work. NOW here's the problem.......he told her on the phone in front of me, she "couldn't talk" when he called her because her H was there. So he told her all she had to do was listen, and told her. Then she texed him 2 hours later saying she wanted to "talk" about it. I told him there is nothing to talk about really. Then she called him the next day and he says he told her the same thing, that I will leave if he continues on with her and they can't be in contact any longer. Then she texts him later in the day saying she needs to talk to him, then she calls and tells him that she is "worried" that I am going to do something to "ruin" her marriage because I am so angry that I am willing to leave him. So he tells her she has nothing to worry about and that they couldn't talk anymore, ever, or text. Fast forward to this morning, she texts him AGAIN and says can I please talk to you about all this and isn't there a way that we can still be friends? WTF am I supposed to do? I explain to him that this is crap now, I hear him tell her they can't have contact so I know he made it clear to her, I'm trying really hard not to pack up my kids and leave and make this work out, he's showed me he's willing to end it and fix things, I want to, but how the heck can I if she won't stop calling and text him? I am so angry now that he's made such a clusterf*** out of our marriage and this situation I don't know what to do. I don't want to even be around him because not of how he acted but now because it doesn't appear that it can end. help? I was ready to call her today because I of course have her number, but I think it would be the wrong way to react to the situation, I don't want to come across as a crazed, jealous wife, I don't want my husband to even have the satisfaction of that appearance to his OW, I think that would be ego feeding for him. I wanted to ask her what her problem is that my husband has asked her to stop, yet every damn day she texts him and asks if he really meant it. I am planning on going away for the weekend to my family's out of town with 2 of my kids. My H will freak when I tell him I am, but I can't deal with this, every day for the last week I have done nothing but cry, I come to work and I cry, I go home and I cry. He says he wants to be honest with me and tells me each time she's trying to contact him, and now I still want to cry. I need a weekend to get a change of scenery. But how should I react or what is normal to do when the OW will not drop it?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Next time she texts your husband SIMPLY reply yourself! Who really cares what your husband thinks of you at this point! He's the arse who created this mess in the first place! You simply tell her that if you or your husband EVER get a text or phone call from her EVER again..you will go directly to her husband...PERIOD!!!! NO IFS AND OR BUTS ABOUT IT!!! Hell I'm much crazier than that..I would go to her husband anyhow without warning the tramp!
Fight4Me Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 You need to find a way to tell her husband without first letting either one of them know you plan to do it. Her BH deserves to know what's going on, and I guarantee she won't have as much desire to break up your marriage when she has her own to worry about. Drag this into the light, it loses its appeal there.
CakeEatersWife Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I would Text her and tell her that if she texts or calls him one more time, you will contact her husband. Your husband could easily block her from texting him and he hasn't done it. I think he is BSing you so he can have his cake and ice cream, and maybe find some sprinkles too.
MizFit Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Next time she texts your husband SIMPLY reply yourself! Who really cares what your husband thinks of you at this point! He's the arse who created this mess in the first place! You simply tell her that if you or your husband EVER get a text or phone call from her EVER again..you will go directly to her husband...PERIOD!!!! NO IFS AND OR BUTS ABOUT IT!!! Hell I'm much crazier than that..I would go to her husband anyhow without warning the tramp! I don't agree with the texting yourself. MMs W texted a 'goodbye' to me and it was more like having a mother tell you off when you're 12 and got caught kissing her son under the bleachers. As the OW it didn't have the effect I imagine she would have wanted it to. I agree you need to stop it...me...I would have taken the simcard out of his phone and posted it to her without a word. All of his contacts and anything saved...off it goes. Let her try and text him then.
Author msladyjane99 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 his phone is a blackberry, you can't block, but I can go into sprint on line and block from there.
Author msladyjane99 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 humm maybe he is getting it and maybe there is hope. I just went and logged into sprint on line to add her number to his phone block list and I knew previously there was one number in there, and then before I even looked at her number to add it, I looked at the 2nd number in there and it is her's. So he beat me to the punch and has blocked her. interesting
StoptheDrama Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I don't agree with the texting yourself. MMs W texted a 'goodbye' to me and it was more like having a mother tell you off when you're 12 and got caught kissing her son under the bleachers. As the OW it didn't have the effect I imagine she would have wanted it to Jane - if anyone should text her & tell her to stop, it needs to be your H. Anything coming from you could easily be dismissed as it would not carry much if any weight with her. If that doesn't work, by all means block her.
Owl Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Tell your H that he needs to call his cell phone carrier and have her blocked. If he balks or refuses...out he goes. If he agrees...she can no longer go that route. Or just go ahead and have him get a new number completely, so she can't reach him from a different number. And...I agree with preemptively tell her H about what's been going on. He deserves to know, and she needs to change her focus onto saving her marriage rather than on your H. Just make it happen. Last thought...I wouldn't recommend going out of town. He's ADDICTED...and likely to 'break' and contact her or go meet up with her. Stick together while you're working through trying to end contact and save your marriage.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Sorry but blocking her number won't do anything. She can simply use any other phone in the world! Go to her husband!!! Play with fire and you get burned!
Doing it Since '78 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Change the number, done deal. then you know for a fact if she contacts his new joint he had to give it to her. It's really that easy
RegardingMe Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Jane, Don't call the BH. It takes away your power. Do call hubby and tell him your not sure you can get beyond this. Tell him your taking the kids and leaving for the weekend. Ask him to make an appointment with a MC. I told my DH, to delete facebook. Deal breaker. He wasn't having an affair, he was chatting with fantasy girls from H.S. I told him to tempting get rid of it now. He in the past hasn't liked me being on a particular website and chatting. So it was a problem for me. He didn't want to cancel it. We fought about it. He saw he was hurting me and he ended up canceling it. Ask him how he is going to work on your relationship. Regards
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Ummmm please explain RegardingME how if she told the BH how that would take her power away?? I don't get that whatsoever! Anyhow..this chick will not stop because there is no reprecussions for her actions. By telling her husband what a tramp he has for a wife...will shift things and make her life the living hell she has made for this family! FIght for whats right..and that only means outting the douche!
Author msladyjane99 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 i just got off the phone with him now and told him that he should block her number (even though I knew he did already) he admitted that he did this morning. then I told him that if she finds another way to contact him through a number that is not blocked that I would contact her husband and let him know what she's done, what she's continuing to do and then she can feel the burn after that. So I left it with if she contacts you again I you need to tell her at that point that I will contact her husband and let him know that I'm done being screwed with.
Mimolicious Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Oh MsLady seems like you got yourself a pest! OW doesn't seem to get it and if I didn't know better, I think this is far from over. WELCOME TO LS! You'll be here for a bit... First, yes he can block her number but like others have said, she can call from any phone. HELLO! She'll call, text, email maybe even show up. Don't we all know that rejection is the biggest afrodisiac?! YEP! Wait for next... as a matter of fact FACK IT!!!!! Why haven't you called her H already? Don't let this fool have your H as her puppet. Move fast!!!!! You said your H has done this before. I suggest to try MC. Good luck!
MizFit Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Once again: WHY HAVE YOU NOT TELL THE OW'S HUSBAND YET? DO IT NOW, AND DO IT WITHOUT WANRING TO ANYONE. If she contact your H or you in anyway, YOU let her know that the next time she does, the police will be showing up at her work place or home. I'd hold off on telling her H...it's the 1 thing you can threaten her with if she comes back into contact with your H. As far as threatening the police-I don't see them coming in to deal with a text message from someone unless it was particularly threatening. That's just an idle threat...the knowledge the OP can tell her H-that's the real threat.
SarahRose Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I would have done told her husband. Being nice in this situation gets you nothing but a sore bottom.
RegardingMe Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 If you expose her husband, she has no reason not to go on full pursuit after your husband. He may even feel sorry for her. Maybe I am wrong that's my thinking
Disintegration Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I agree with telling the OW H because he doesn't know what she's up to, and it's only making it easy for the OW to contact your H. I bet once her H knows he'll be checking up on her. It wont be as easy for her to go behind his back being sneaky sending texts to your H anymore.
califnan Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I know about EA's .. She did not take a polite "No" for an answer, so you must tell her. Do you remember "Fatal Attraction" - when at the end the wife played by Ann Archer very deliberately and unemotionally Declared Her Territory ... Call her up and speak to her so you will Know she received your message. Tell her that she may not communicate with your husband in any manner ... And that if she doesn't respect your request, that you will take it further..
seren Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I think that once a D Day has happened and the OW has been told NC and continues to attempt contact then it becomes the problem of both husband and wife as it intrudes upon their marriage. Sure the A did, but it was hidden, now it is out in the open and you and H are staying together, her continued input affects your life too. I would contact OW, with H's knowledge and lay it out calmly, letting her know the consequences of her continued harassment. Ditch the phone, or get a new sim, or you have his phone and get him a new one on contract. I would also reinforce to H what will happen if he contacts her, and then begin the work on rebuilding your marriage. I also think it is the wrong time to be away from the marriage as the early days of R are very important. As for telling her H, only you can decide on what is right for you. He may decide to come to your home, may decide to take it out of H's hide. Personally, I looked after me and mine, she and hers didn't factor, although I did know he was violent and would beat the crap out of her and so at her request, didn't disclose. My decision.
datura_noir Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Yes you must expose to her H, but in a non-judgmental way. Simply informing him that you want to save your marriage and that this is information that you must get out in order to do so. No name calling or judgements of her allowed (save those for your H). He will take it from there, or not. Do not inform your H beforehand; things will go easier if you keep it quiet. Trust me.
Author msladyjane99 Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 ok fast forward, i decide not to go out of town, i did agree that just gave him bordem time. now short history my H is a very well paid employee of a large company making over 6 figures. his job demands a lot of him daily and today was no different, I told him I was going to go out of town and he called me and begged me not to that we would have a nice dinner, etc. and we do, he comes home i cook we sit down and eat and after go in our bedroom and talk for an hour about stuff, feelings, etc. THEN she texts him........and says "hey why don't you have your W call me so I can tell her all the things you told me and talked to me about"? Instantly I become devastated again. Things blow completely up, and a lot of hurt full things are said by me, I had to get it all off my chest. I demand to know what she wants to tell me, etc. and of course he looks at me again like a deer in the headlights. things blow up, I leave or I was going to physically lose it and start throwing things at him. so i go to my workplace, i live a mile away and work in a small 2 person office, went there to cool down, called a girlfriend she came up and I spilled my guts. Meantime......he has a report due later that night and gee guess what he can't get it done nor has he started it. so my girlfriend shows me how to pull the latest phone records off the internet I print them and highlight them. He was semi truthfully with half the phone calls he told me about "trying to end it" and of course even though I told him it should take 30 secs, each phone call was more than 30 minutes. so now not only is he putting his marriage in jeapordy he is also now potentially putting his job on the line. so I decide this whore needs to be extinguished from my life as well as his, I take the print outs I made and go back home, storm in and tell him i need to see him in private, in which I confront him about the phone time, tell him how he's shattered my life/heart/feelings and that I already blocked her number from texting earlier, but the only way we are going past midnight (and mind you it was already 10pm) was he gets a new phone number instantly, he deletes his facebook account immediately, or he immediately calls her and packs a suitcase and has her pick him up. I gave him no other options nor would I except any excuses, I said my way or leave, because we tried your way last week and it was full of lies and you still can't frking get rid of her. then he played me a voice mail she left him 10 minutes previous and she was drunk in which she called him her best friend and NO ONE would tell her when she would or wouldn't talk to her best friend including me. WOWOW HOLY F***! Then he tries to give me some sappy story how he feels bad for her life, blah blah blah and I say to him that I call BS, because if anyone has had a crappy life it has been me. my mother died at 14, my dad remarried at 17 a woman 4 years older than me i became cinderella, i got married at 19, he has been my entire world since then, my only sister died in a car accident 10 years ago and it's been hell. but even through that he was my life, i made so many sacrifices for him, my life was him and making him happy and raising our 3 kids, etc. apparently though what I don't understand.........and I hope you girls can help me here, I don't understand what would possess him to throw away 25 years or marriage, 3 kids, a great job, great money, a wife that doutes on his every need for someone that he's had 3 weeks of contact with, and previous to that......hasn't talked to in 30 years??????????? why? I can't understand how i can move forward without understanding that? so he deleted facebook in front of me, we called sprint and before that he deleted all her texts, all her messages and her phone number, they cleared his phone out and gave him a new line and by the time that was done it was 12:05am. now she has no way to contact him whatsoever as we have no home phone, she doesn't have his work phone, he's assured me of that because he'd get fired if she started calling him there and she doesn't have his work email. then his boss called him at 10:30 and wanted to know if the "report" was done and.........he looked at me and told his boss that I had asked for a divorce tonight because of inappropriate actions on his part over the last 3 weeks and he's attempting to fix that currently which was why they weren't done. boss didn't know what to say. He can't seem to tell me what it is.......that I am apparently not giving him that he is getting from her. I don't understand. I am attractive, I need to lose a few pounds but nothing out of the ordinary, I have supported every bs thing he's wanted to do, I have raised our kids almost solely because he's always busy doing selfish things, I always listen to how "bad" of a day he has and try to help him get a positive outlook on what a great job it really is but just hard right now with this economy everyones work load is heavy......etc.........I cook for him, I clean, I do laundry, etc. we have sex literally 1 to 2 times a DAY every day, and he doesn't seem to NOT like it as far as I can tell. what? what can it be? why would a 48 year old man be needing that he is not getting that he is mentally uncapable till threatened with the divorce, seeing the big picture and not be able to tell me what it is that he's not getting from me that he was willing to throw it all away over "some girl" that he hasn't seen in 30 years but has caught up with in the last 3 weeks? PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND
anne1707 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Both you and your H are not really going to fully understand what is going on at the moment because you are understandably too involved with all the fall-out from his actions. Neither of you are probably in the best state for trying to talk to each other calmly about all this. I do recommend MC. If you both want to save your marriage then you should both be willing to do this and really try. It will give you a safe environment to work through and try to understand your problems - and hopefully find solutions that work for you. You both need to be honest with each other which will probably cause more hurt on the way to a potential recovery but your marriage can be saved if both of you are committed to it and are prepared to work through this.
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