jaykf014 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 (edited) My fiance and I got together two years ago. She had a six month old at the time - it is not mine biologically. We moved in together soon after. Our wedding is scheduled for later this year. I am 24 and she is 21. Some things about our relationship are not what I had expected them to be at this stage of our lives, and I brought them up to her. For the most part, things are going well and we don't have many problems. There is one thing she has stated during our talk that strikes me and I wanted to know if anyone else has been in this situation. One of the problems I have with 'us' is that there is no affection and no sex life at all anymore. It's dead, like we are just roommates. I could expect this twenty years from now, but not now. She's pretty adamant on the fact she does love me and want this family/married life. But at the same time she misses the single life and has always wanted to live an adventurous single life. She says she things an open relationship would be great for us - it would let her have the steamy sex she wants and possibly fix our own sex life. She says she constantly needs something new and exciting, and right now we're just comfortable with each other which is boring. But she isn't pushing the idea of an open relationship - she says she knows that that is not what I want. And she does say she is happy with the way things are right now. I ask her if it would help if we went out every month and did something interesting and spontaneous. She says no, because there's a difference between going out with the husband and going out with a stranger. She loves tattoos and have always said that I should get one, and she said that if I did get one, that would help tremendously lol. She also stated she has gotten like this in past relationships - so its not with just me either. So what is your take on this? Anyone ever been in this situation? I love her, but I don't want to commit to something at this stage of my life that is not going to last. Edited June 11, 2010 by jaykf014
curiousnycgirl Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I am no expert, but I think you are very wise to be rethinking this. It would seem to me that she feels she missed out by having a baby so young. Truth is her decision to have a child did force her to settle down sooner than she appears to have wanted. It does not sound like she is ready for a committed relationship. She seems to need to sow her wild oats. I suggest you postpone or cancel the wedding, move out, and let her have her wild times. She just doesn't seem ready
xxoo Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 She's bored already??? I'm guessing she desires a "good man" to help her care for and raise her child, but still wants a "bad boy" for the sex part. How unfair to the good man (you) who is doing all the heavy work and getting none of the fun She is giving you the benefit of honesty. Now, it is up to you to believe what she is saying, and decide if this relationship is going to meet your needs.
mark982 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 jay, put this marriage on hold till you get alot of issues resolved. she's noway ready to marry, all that's going to happen, is she's going to cheat somewhere down the line.
Author jaykf014 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 (edited) Well, she already has cheated on me one year ago. She begged me to come back so I gave her another chance. It is hard to tell from my point of view if she is genuine or if she just wants her daughter to have a good life. If she is going to stick around or only stick around until she finds something better. I suppose that if I feel this way then it should be off altogether. But would I be throwing something great away? She's a selfish b*** half the time and our personalities don't exactly match, but when we go out together (which is rare) its like I couldn't have the same feeling with another girl... I wish I had something to compare our relationship to - its all I know so I'm not sure what to expect in a typical relationship. Edited June 11, 2010 by jaykf014
benmac360 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Jay, I would end the engagement. She's telling you she's not ready for a commitment, and the open relationship idea is an attempt to keep you around just so she never gets lonely while she is out chasing other men. No matter what you do from now on, whether its getting a tattoo, nose ring, etc, its not going to ensure her fidelity or make her happy. She has a lot of maturing to do. I would be thankful that she was honest with you, that you don't have any ties to her and she spared you the pain of being cheated on repeatedly down the road (that will happen if you stay). Tell her you need some space, figure things out, etc. Good luck and remember there are more women in this world than men.
mem11363 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 She simply is not sexually attracted to you. Do you seriously think you can be happy devoting your energy and life to someone who primarily wants your financial support and fully intends to sleep with other men? My fiance and I got together two years ago. She had a six month old at the time - it is not mine biologically. We moved in together soon after. Our wedding is scheduled for later this year. I am 24 and she is 21. Some things about our relationship are not what I had expected them to be at this stage of our lives, and I brought them up to her. For the most part, things are going well and we don't have many problems. There is one thing she has stated during our talk that strikes me and I wanted to know if anyone else has been in this situation. One of the problems I have with 'us' is that there is no affection and no sex life at all anymore. It's dead, like we are just roommates. I could expect this twenty years from now, but not now. She's pretty adamant on the fact she does love me and want this family/married life. But at the same time she misses the single life and has always wanted to live an adventurous single life. She says she things an open relationship would be great for us - it would let her have the steamy sex she wants and possibly fix our own sex life. She says she constantly needs something new and exciting, and right now we're just comfortable with each other which is boring. But she isn't pushing the idea of an open relationship - she says she knows that that is not what I want. And she does say she is happy with the way things are right now. I ask her if it would help if we went out every month and did something interesting and spontaneous. She says no, because there's a difference between going out with the husband and going out with a stranger. She loves tattoos and have always said that I should get one, and she said that if I did get one, that would help tremendously lol. She also stated she has gotten like this in past relationships - so its not with just me either. So what is your take on this? Anyone ever been in this situation? I love her, but I don't want to commit to something at this stage of my life that is not going to last.
Author jaykf014 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 She simply is not sexually attracted to you. Do you seriously think you can be happy devoting your energy and life to someone who primarily wants your financial support and fully intends to sleep with other men? EPIPHANY!! Never thought of it this way... She actually did tell me she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore (though she still thinks I am cute) - because the relationship has become so routine. I don't get that??? Why are girls like that??? She is definitely not afraid of hiding anything from me lol. Even changing things up like getting a tattoo for her - maybe it would probably only last a short time then she would get bored again. After reading this, I feel it would be quite silly of me to stay in this kind of relationship... Could this be an age thing? Given a few years, you think she'll come around?
carhill Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Could this be an age thing? Given a few years, you think she'll come around? Yes, age thing and yes, likely by her early thirties and a couple more 'unwed' kids, she'll 'come around'. They always do
mem11363 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I married someone I had good chemistry with. We are now 21 years in and the physical part is still great. Your girl just isn't that into you. Hey - I dated women like that - they just weren't that into me. And I dated women who were sexually not that hot to me. But in your case, it is not a matter of low desire it is a matter of NO desire. And actually you are lucky. Some women pretend they are really into you until they have kids. At which point separating hurts little people and costs a lot. She really has done you a huge favor. As for an "open" relationship - even if she would give you mercy sex every once in a while - you would be at risk of getting a disease from one of her many boyfriends. A normal woman - if you keep your edge - and your job - will not lose her attraction to you. EPIPHANY!! Never thought of it this way... She actually did tell me she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore (though she still thinks I am cute) - because the relationship has become so routine. I don't get that??? Why are girls like that??? She is definitely not afraid of hiding anything from me lol. Even changing things up like getting a tattoo for her - maybe it would probably only last a short time then she would get bored again. After reading this, I feel it would be quite silly of me to stay in this kind of relationship... Could this be an age thing? Given a few years, you think she'll come around?
ADF Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Under no circumstances should you marry this woman. Your post doesn't make clear how YOU feel about an open marriage. But it is pretty clear you want affection and a sex life with this woman. Well, opening the marriage up won't get you that. If she's not interested in sleeping with you now, how much less interested will she be when she has so many other men to choose form. No. You're going to be her doting older brother, not her husband. You'll just be the one charged with cooking and cleaning and paying bills and child care. She'll save the fun, exciting, sexual part of herself for other men. Run, don't walk, away from this woman.
Scrybe Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 (edited) Seriously. Slowly read what you wrote. Now imagine it was your best friend who wrote it. Take two steps back...very slowly. Turn around. Run. Run, Forrest...Run!!!! My fiance and I got together two years ago. She had a six month old at the time - it is not mine biologically. We moved in together soon after. Our wedding is scheduled for later this year. I am 24 and she is 21. Some things about our relationship are not what I had expected them to be at this stage of our lives, and I brought them up to her. For the most part, things are going well and we don't have many problems. There is one thing she has stated during our talk that strikes me and I wanted to know if anyone else has been in this situation. One of the problems I have with 'us' is that there is no affection and no sex life at all anymore. It's dead, like we are just roommates. I could expect this twenty years from now, but not now. She's pretty adamant on the fact she does love me and want this family/married life. But at the same time she misses the single life and has always wanted to live an adventurous single life. She says she things an open relationship would be great for us - it would let her have the steamy sex she wants and possibly fix our own sex life. She says she constantly needs something new and exciting, and right now we're just comfortable with each other which is boring. But she isn't pushing the idea of an open relationship - she says she knows that that is not what I want. And she does say she is happy with the way things are right now. I ask her if it would help if we went out every month and did something interesting and spontaneous. She says no, because there's a difference between going out with the husband and going out with a stranger. She loves tattoos and have always said that I should get one, and she said that if I did get one, that would help tremendously lol. She also stated she has gotten like this in past relationships - so its not with just me either. So what is your take on this? Anyone ever been in this situation? I love her, but I don't want to commit to something at this stage of my life that is not going to last. Edited June 11, 2010 by Scrybe spelling
linwood Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 get out, get out now. You are being used and will be abused in the near future if you stay with this woman. Run!
Scrybe Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Run! For the love of all that's sane and holy RUN MAN!!!! I'm telling you dude. Every married man in this forum who's ever had a problem similar to yours is banging his head against the wall. They are saying..."If I knew BEFORE I got married and had kids that she'd flip the script on me like this...I would NEVER have married!" They are seeing their lives drain away...in you. You are the second chance. We've all made mistakes...big and small....in our choices. Some have a happy ending...some are a work in progress....and some end with wasted lives, bitterness and sadness.... Like sailors on a sinking ship....we can't save ourselves but we can save you. The young. The hopeful. The future. Go young Luke and my the forece be with you! Get out...save yourself. Trust me and every sane man & woman in this forum when we say you WILL find happier times with someone else. You are too young to destroy a good chunk of your life wasting it on this relationship. You have NO idea how many opportunities to meet someone great will literally just fall into your lap. It just happens. You never notice it until your locked down with someone who makes you utterly miserable. (side note...I've been there in the past but I'm with someone now whom I love to bits and is amazing!) So I know what I'm talking about! I got out when I could and thank gawd! Go....live, love and have fun with your life and the freedom it brings you. If not for you then dammit for the those here who can't or it's too late. If I knew you personally I'd go to your job right now...drag you out to the nearest u-haul, drive over to your place and help you pack your crap. TODAY. go. Now. Well, she already has cheated on me one year ago. She begged me to come back so I gave her another chance. It is hard to tell from my point of view if she is genuine or if she just wants her daughter to have a good life. If she is going to stick around or only stick around until she finds something better. I suppose that if I feel this way then it should be off altogether. But would I be throwing something great away? She's a selfish b*** half the time and our personalities don't exactly match, but when we go out together (which is rare) its like I couldn't have the same feeling with another girl... I wish I had something to compare our relationship to - its all I know so I'm not sure what to expect in a typical relationship.
mem11363 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I would actually help Scrybe help you pack. Run! For the love of all that's sane and holy RUN MAN!!!! I'm telling you dude. Every married man in this forum who's ever had a problem similar to yours is banging his head against the wall. They are saying..."If I knew BEFORE I got married and had kids that she'd flip the script on me like this...I would NEVER have married!" They are seeing their lives drain away...in you. You are the second chance. We've all made mistakes...big and small....in our choices. Some have a happy ending...some are a work in progress....and some end with wasted lives, bitterness and sadness.... Like sailors on a sinking ship....we can't save ourselves but we can save you. The young. The hopeful. The future. Go young Luke and my the forece be with you! Get out...save yourself. Trust me and every sane man & woman in this forum when we say you WILL find happier times with someone else. You are too young to destroy a good chunk of your life wasting it on this relationship. You have NO idea how many opportunities to meet someone great will literally just fall into your lap. It just happens. You never notice it until your locked down with someone who makes you utterly miserable. (side note...I've been there in the past but I'm with someone now whom I love to bits and is amazing!) So I know what I'm talking about! I got out when I could and thank gawd! Go....live, love and have fun with your life and the freedom it brings you. If not for you then dammit for the those here who can't or it's too late. If I knew you personally I'd go to your job right now...drag you out to the nearest u-haul, drive over to your place and help you pack your crap. TODAY. go. Now.
Woggle Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I am available to help you pack as well. Get out while you can. They could actually fix the oil spill by putting a huge wedding ring around the oil rig. It would stop putting out immediately.
Author jaykf014 Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 Thought about it over the weekend. I had fully intended on ending it immediately, but when came home from work and saw her, all those bad feelings just went away. I ended up questioning her about everything all over again, essentially repeating what she told me. Apparently I misunderstood her. She said an open relationship would be fun, but doesn't intend to go there, and that married couples don't do that.... (duh)... and I asked her if we got up and went to Hawaii next month if that would help our 'boring' relationship and she said absolutely. We haven't had much money to go out and do fun things like we want to do since we moved in together. So I think I will give it a little more time.
Married_and_Lonely Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 She's still not affectionate and doesn't want sex with you.. wants sex with other men... you didn't misunderstand that part did you ?!?! A trip to Hawaii may provide a temporary boost in her treatment of you, but you shouldn't need a trip to Hawaii to do that at this point in your relationship. She's got you wrapped around her finger and you don't want to let her go (we've all been there), but dude... stand up for yourself and throw this fish back in the sea.. there are many others out there that will love and respect you. Most men complain about their wives changing after marriage, kids, money stresses, life events. If she's already this way, and you marry her... you are going to be MISERABLE!
xxoo Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Thought about it over the weekend. I had fully intended on ending it immediately, but when came home from work and saw her, all those bad feelings just went away. I ended up questioning her about everything all over again, essentially repeating what she told me. Apparently I misunderstood her. She said an open relationship would be fun, but doesn't intend to go there, and that married couples don't do that.... (duh)... and I asked her if we got up and went to Hawaii next month if that would help our 'boring' relationship and she said absolutely. We haven't had much money to go out and do fun things like we want to do since we moved in together. So I think I will give it a little more time. jay, you know what compatible, young couples in love do when they are too broke to go out? They stay in and have sex! Seriously, this is not an issue that money and trips will solve. She just isn't that into you.
sugarbritches Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Don't marry her. Any woman that wants an open relationship doesn't want you. As far as the sex goes, believe it or not in twenty years she will want sex more then she does now. Being a new mom kind of takes the sex right out of you. She isn't ready to be married, don't do it. You will be back in a few years asking for divorce advise.
mem11363 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 She feels no sexual attraction for you and instead of being ASSERTIVE you are acting submissive and throwing money at the problem. So you will be broke AND celibate. Hey if that is what makes you happy. Thought about it over the weekend. I had fully intended on ending it immediately, but when came home from work and saw her, all those bad feelings just went away. I ended up questioning her about everything all over again, essentially repeating what she told me. Apparently I misunderstood her. She said an open relationship would be fun, but doesn't intend to go there, and that married couples don't do that.... (duh)... and I asked her if we got up and went to Hawaii next month if that would help our 'boring' relationship and she said absolutely. We haven't had much money to go out and do fun things like we want to do since we moved in together. So I think I will give it a little more time.
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 DUMP HER!! I'm so sorry, but your girlfriend does not love you the way you deserve to be loved. I think you provide her a sense of safety, financial safety most likely. She doesn't desire you as a man. How immature to say a "tattoo" would have a major impact on her attraction to you. IMO, if she really liked sex, she would be having it with you even if it wasn't adventurous, kinky, new and exciting. I don't believe she is attracted to you. She wants whatever else it is you are giving to her and her child. Ask her this question, "when she goes out to have sex with a stranger, does she expect that you will be at home watching her child?" I bet the answer is "yes." Surely you can see how f**ked up that is, right? You have no idea how much you can feel for another woman, trust me. Get out there and find someone worthy of your goodness!!
confuzzled68 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 EPIPHANY!! Never thought of it this way... She actually did tell me she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore (though she still thinks I am cute) - because the relationship has become so routine. I don't get that??? Why are girls like that??? She is definitely not afraid of hiding anything from me lol. Even changing things up like getting a tattoo for her - maybe it would probably only last a short time then she would get bored again. After reading this, I feel it would be quite silly of me to stay in this kind of relationship... Could this be an age thing? Given a few years, you think she'll come around? NOOO! She will NOT come around! Please listen, please do not marry her! I know ending a relationship is painful but it will be more painful later. If the 'spark' is already gone, getting married will not bring it back. the spark always dims with time, fluctuates, comes and goes....and that's when a couple starts out with lots of spark and passion. If you are starting out with feeling like roommates, then that's exactly what you're going to get. And if you got along really well and she 'wasn't a bitch half the time', then MAYBE you would consider being together for that reason, but you don't even have the strong solid friendship going for you. I've been married 13 yrs....my husband is good to me, kind, wonderful father, but i am not sexually attracted to him....never have been. And as wonderful as our friendship is, I am dealing with sadness/unfulfillment because I want a friend and lover, not just a friend. RUn now, and run far!
BlackLovely Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 It sounds like she's not mature enough to get married. I also think that getting married in your early twenties is generally not a wise choice. I know that there are different views on an appropriate age to get married; this is just my opinion. At 24, you still have many more life experiences and independence to gain. I can tell that you're very naive; it is painfully obvious that she's using you. I will not help you move because I am not that strong, but I will slap some sense into your head. Just joking...
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