Heatemyheart89 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I have so far not managed to stick to no contact. But now I have to I thought i would write you'll some good reasons to stay NC and don't make the mistakes that I did. (Contact for around 10 months after he dumped my sorry ass)This list does not apply to everyone but im guessing it does some. 1)They don't want you to contact them 2)Often they will stay in contact out of pity as they feel guilty they dumped you. Do you really want that? 3)If they wanted contact- they would contact you 4) You're honestly worth more than that seriously 5)If they wanted to be in contact they wouldnt have dumped you they have missed their chance. 6) Nothing you say or do will change their mind, please save yourself the grief 7You owe them NOTHING.No happy birthdays etc. The didnt want you in their life. Screw them. 8)everything is going to be okay 9)YOU ARE LOVABLE. 10) Everything happens for a reason. Trust me. If it wasnt meant to be dont force it there could be something so much better out their for you. Hope this helps. I'm not totally over it. But I'm starting to see it from a different perspective now xxxxxxxxxx
marmaliade Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I have so far not managed to stick to no contact. xxxxxxxxxx So true, so true
McGrupp Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 i can say that NC does work. i got dumped in september but finally stopped contacting in January... I only feel ive started to move on since then
paleblue Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 All very good reasons not to contact your betrayer. you have enough to deal with already in life instead of wasting your time on someone who doesn’t love or respect you. and another thing I would like to add. you CAN NOT BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX. no matter what you hear people on here or elsewhere talking about. it’s a load of poo. do yourself a favor. make the decision. cut them out. or any thoughts about staying in contact and just move on. you will thank yourself down the road. my ex gf, who btw, ditched me, almost two years ago, still, to this day contacts me here and there ( I work with mine), she is always blowing her horn about being my friend. Asking me dumb questions and never really saying much. Its all Bs. So don’t sell yourself short. once its over, its over. No matter how good the intentions are at the time, people move on with their lives. People are either in your life or they are not. it really is that simple. No one that i know of (including myself) is really friends with their ex’s. And I know A LOT of people. The long and the short of it – don’t bother wasting your time trying to be friends with your ex. Just move on. unfortunately I have to see mine around for now. I wish I didn’t. Although it has been over for quite awhile, and we have both moved on, there are days were I still feel particularly volatile (like today) when I think of her and her attempts at trying to be my friend. Its on the verge of insulting to me.
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 As someone that has struggled with NC, I agree. There are no advantages to staying in touch. If the dumper really cares about you and you wish to maintain a friendship in the future when the feelings are gone, they will still be there to be friends and they will understand. If the friendship/relationship dies, it is not YOUR fault for going NC, but there's for being selfish. There is no crime in turning to NC; it saves your sanity.
Cantcope Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 How do YOU cope with working with your ex. I too work with mine. I seem to feel better now over the weekend because I don't see him, but Monday-through Friday, I'm filled with anxiety!!!
Author Heatemyheart89 Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 How do YOU cope with working with your ex. I too work with mine. I seem to feel better now over the weekend because I don't see him, but Monday-through Friday, I'm filled with anxiety!!! Im not paleblue but I used to go to college with an ex and when we passed each other in the corridor it was a nightmare. Really horrible. Didnt talk for months. Also didnt help that he said to my friend ' yer dumping *** was the right decision :S' In the end we just realised that it was easy to just smile and say hello. But I would say hold you head high and the anxiety will pass eventually and you will realise you don't care as much/anymore.
teanoranges Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 i can say that NC does work. i got dumped in september but finally stopped contacting in January... I only feel ive started to move on since then Same thing for me. Broke up in June. NC in November.. didn't start healing until NC. Didn't start seeing truth until NC.
paleblue Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 (edited) How do YOU cope with working with your ex. I too work with mine. I seem to feel better now over the weekend because I don't see him, but Monday-through Friday, I'm filled with anxiety!!! Cantcope it was really difficult for a long time. wont kid you. I just went mentally insane over and over and over. and then one day it lessened. and then i went insane again, and then it lessened again. and it just went like that for a long time. until it became less and less. it takes time. so when you say monday-through friday was hell on this earth - i know what you mean. other than that there were a few things i did to try and help things along. i just sat at my desk and tried my best to keep busy. i started minding my own business. parking on the other side of the parking lot. i avoided places i knew i would most likely see her. i did not talk about things to co-workers. i still do not speak to the people she does unless they say hello first, or i have too. i am lucky that our office is big enough where i dont have to see her if i dont want too. i would walk down a different hallway. i did that for a long time until i got to the point were i said to myself you know what? screw this. im not going to let this person make me feel funny about where i need to go in the office. but it took time to get to that point. and that is what i had to do to get to that point. i was really hurt for a long time about being betrayed. as i am sure you are too. somewhere along the lines while dealing with my living hell monday thru friday i decided to pick myself up dust myself off and start trying to make a new life and meet new people. find new things that made me feel good, that interested me. talking on loveshack helped. and writing helped. i think its fair to mention for awhile the only thing that made me feel good was spending endless days and nights wrapped in a cocoon like state on my couch because it hurt so bad. i think i spent almost the entire winter like that. after some time i started realizing my own self worth as a person again after meeting new people. i met a lot of new people. eventually i started feeling way better about myself. her power over me started slipping. i realized that there are better people out there. cant tell you how many times i failed at Nc. everytime i tried, i would get the how are you lets be friends email. this went on for a long time. eventually i just stopped writing, or giving her any info about what im doing in my personal life because i was caught up in my new life! i reduced my responses to one-liners like, im good, things are going good. now i changed my cell number. and i look happy when i am with others in the office. sure she will make noise trying to get attention or come slithering around here and there, but i barely do more than a passing glance at her if i see her around. or i just ignore her completely. i just dont bother with her sorry ass anymore. Redemption thru restraint. that is something else that i learned helps. lately it has become even more easy because i have caught her STILL lying. she actually apologized for "mis-leading me" and i think wow, really, you say you want to be friends? but none of my friends are like that. No thanks!! i think that was the final straw that broke the camels back. and i dont even feel anything except disgust when she apologies because i dont feel like its a real apology, its just another half hearted/sounds good/going thru the motions kinda thing. if she was interested in a real friendship with me than i would hear from her more than just when things are falling apart in her life, or when she is having trouble in her personal life. if someone wants to be your friend they will want to be there in the good times and share laughs and good memories. generally feel good experiences. real friends will not just use you when they have trouble in their life. maybe some day she will straighten her act up but its doubtful. no matter how much time passes there will probably always be some kind of emotional bond there, or a sense of loss, but i can live with that. now i think she was just a stepping stone on my way to something better in life. i will never ever date another co-worker again. EVER. it was just one of those things, i always wondered why people said dont date your co-workers. never understood it. now i know why. sorry if this is long or rambling but this is kinda how i dealt with the whole thing in a nut shell. Edited June 12, 2010 by paleblue
Ilovecake Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I think when you are dumped it takes your brain a while to catch up and in that time there is the denial stage. I see so many people on here making excuses for contacting the dumper and it's always followed by "yeah but you wouldn't understand you weren't there. our relationship was different. we both still care about each other...etc etc" All of this is complete BS, and yes we all understand because no matter what the circumstances we're all in the same place and that is dumped and in the end that's really what matters not the hows, whys and whens. Even if your ex is contacting you they don't want you contacting them unless they need something from you. Whether it's guilt relief, ego boost or what have you. For some reason dumpees have the hardest time believing that. They always think their situation is special and different from everyone else. I think once you reach the stage of acceptance is when you start getting over it and healing but as long as you keep contact you keep hope and you keep lying to yourself because it helps you sleep at night. Every time you pick up that phone you give a little bit more power away to your ex.
Author Heatemyheart89 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 I think when you are dumped it takes your brain a while to catch up and in that time there is the denial stage. I see so many people on here making excuses for contacting the dumper and it's always followed by "yeah but you wouldn't understand you weren't there. our relationship was different. we both still care about each other...etc etc" All of this is complete BS, and yes we all understand because no matter what the circumstances we're all in the same place and that is dumped and in the end that's really what matters not the hows, whys and whens. Even if your ex is contacting you they don't want you contacting them unless they need something from you. Whether it's guilt relief, ego boost or what have you. For some reason dumpees have the hardest time believing that. They always think their situation is special and different from everyone else. I think once you reach the stage of acceptance is when you start getting over it and healing but as long as you keep contact you keep hope and you keep lying to yourself because it helps you sleep at night. Every time you pick up that phone you give a little bit more power away to your ex. SO true. I have a friend like this. She's like well he still texts me this and that. And im like but he doesnt want to get back with you does he??? sHE knows it deep down but fools herself. She tells me oh well I dont think Ill ever end up like you and ***. She thinks her situation is unique. Its not!! Once you start NC and realise theres no hope then you can heal.
sedgwick Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I went NC from day one, three years ago, and still miss him. Meh. :/ I'm glad you mentioned the birthday thing. It always boggles my mind when people get on here and write stuff like, "He cheated on me and is still with the other girl and now she's pregnant and it's his tenth kid by nine different moms but I SHOULD REALLY TELL HIM HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Right? Just to be friends? Just to be nice? Right?"
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