Getting back together after a mutual breakup?

[bananaboat11]

sorry if it's kind of long... heh

 

I was the one who initiated the breakup... b/c I knew she couldn't handle the relationship yet. she has a lot of things to work on, HIGH anxiety issues, PTSD, depression, attachment issues now, etc, etc, but the one thing I kept addressing she wanted to avoid was her hanging out with her most recent ex.

 

she was ready to work on another issue which I didn't think was an issue, but I worked it out with her... and brought up her constant hanging out with her ex... I asked that maybe her and me weren't working out right now and instilled this doubt in her. It's what I originally wanted was to break up. Now that I rethink it... I think I was more afraid fo her breaking up first so I did it...

 

...2 days later after a break.... we both agreed on a mutual breakup, but I told her how much I did like her and wanted to try friends for now and seemed to have her approval on seeing where we're at (if we can try again) in the future. We talked about not actively pursuing other people (she seemed to agree), I asked about sexual needs (she assured me she wasn't ... she had to deal with issues of her past first and she wants a relationship to be that sexual)...and when we were together we talked about a comedy show we were going to go on... she said she'd still like to go on that date with me as a date in august (when I asked her).

 

Now I feel like she's being super distant - and I can't tell why. She does have emotional issues from her past... and the catch is.. we only dated/relationship for 5 weeks, but she's seen me every day for the past year apparently. All her friends seem to approve of me... except her recent ex (obviously) and his friends (they support him)

 

 

I'm trying to play the patient game here, but I don't want to lose her... despite her emotional baggage... ugh

 

There are 2 roads I see here...

 

1) I was her rebound. I can continue playing hard to get now... tell her I think about her from time to time and miss her in my life (when she calls me to hang out and I tell her in person,obviously) and hope that there is some glimpse of a future for us getting back together... depending on her answer, i may just take my stuff (which she's holding onto for me) and leave for good.

 

2) Ride out this 'friendship' thing and hope for the best... while being patient for her to 'find herself' and make up her mind.

 

 

While we were together she was definitely not emotionally healthy... i would like to see it through. I mean, she said i'm this great guy... and i'm not running away from her baggage... after 5 weeks. And she was totally ok with friendship for now (she even suggested hanging out this saturday and I told her to call me about it)... am I being selfish? delusional?

 

I should probably just walk away and forget this woman... but a part of me is already attached.. and I haven't like a girl this much in a long time....

 

thanks

Edited June 11, 2010 by bananaboat11

[northstar1]

That is tough.

I see a few issues here. You broke up with her because she has issues to work on, and you were afraid she would break up with you first. So already, the relationship in its early stages is in a healthy place yet.

 

But you can't just go back to being friends and then try and put conditions on it (can't date others etc), at least not easily. The transition doesn't work. You are already guessing why she's distant, what she's up to.

 

In my view, you need to get some emotional distance here, let her work out her issues, and then if she is ready, or you are willing to work through her issues, get in touch and perhaps try again.

 

All you will be doing now is banging your head on the wall with frustration trying to figure out what she is up to, and where her feelings for you stand. Trying to ride out this friendship, while still obviously having feelings for her is going to be very hard. Especially if she becomes more distant, or even starts dating someone else (always a possibility). She needs to figure out what she wants.

[bananaboat11]

I'm trying to distance myself to give her space.

 

heh

 

once I get my stuff, i'll give her all the space in the world and try to move on.

 

I'm trying to keep my distance.. i really am.

 

I texted her once in the AM yesterday about getting my stuff back. She said it's too early for her to think and that she'll text me later.

 

Left her alone. Didn't hear from her at all.

 

I finally said screw it. I just want my stuff back...

 

I texted her (but I know she's at work so probably wont' hear from her for a little while) saying, "Good morning. Hope things are well. Know you're working all day, but was wondering a good time to get my stuff later possibly? Thanks. talk to you soon."

 

I hope that was ok? I hope I hear back from her...

 

and I hope she isn't doing this to hold on to my stuff to sort of drag me along.

 

A relative of mine told me by asking for the friendship and to keep her in my life sounded like I was being too possessive... is this true? I told her if someone better comes along... we should take that opportunity. But not rule out any chance for us i nthe future. I was also told my asking her about dating other people right now was out of line and wrong of me... retrospectively... I see that.

 

heh

 

****

Edited June 11, 2010 by bananaboat11

[GrayClouds]

BB you are really in no place to be dating, your carrying a sack of insanity that is keeps people seeing your kindness, depth and intelligence, that is you.

 

Can't you see that this obsession about a 2 week non-relationship is has way too much affect on you? Can you see your ruminations on the last 6 month relationship too is completely disproportional?

 

Your in desperate need of something, something quite apparent is not going to come from anywhere but within yourself. Your need for approval, fear of not being good enough, inability to let go, the complications to recovering from even the smallest set backs is leading you in a circle like a dog chasing his own tail, but at least the dog is enjoying himself.

 

Stop avoiding yourself, start being kind to you. Take a break, leave the women alone, learn to be alone and love it. Find a better therapist, this one is not helping you to grow. Find one who does not encourage you to embrace your insecurities. It is really important that you figure out why you define yourself via your weaknesses rather then you strengths. Why you look so hard for external confirmation of your worth. Until you start finding it inside no girl will do it, no amount of working out will do it, no amount of academic achievement will do it, and no amountsupport from forums will do it.

 

You deserve love, more then anything you deserve it from yourself. It is time to find it. It is time to do something different. What is that going to be?

 

 

.

 

.

Edited June 11, 2010 by GrayClouds

[mickleb]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMlaxAmI0RA

 

don't fall in love with me yet

we only recently met

true i'm in love with you but

you might decide i'm a nut

give me a week or two to

go absolutely cuckoo

and when you see your error

then you can flee in terror

like everybody else does

i only tell you this 'cause

i'm easy to get rid of

but not if you fall in love

know now that i'm on the make

and if you make a mistake

my heart wil certainly break

i'll have to jump in a lake

and all my friends will blame you

there's no telling what they'll do

it's only fair to tell you

i'm absolutely cuckoo

 

x

[bananaboat11]

it's done. 100%.

 

we're taking space from eachother. she's on another date tonight.

[USMCHokie]

it's done. 100%.

 

we're taking space from eachother. she's on another date tonight.

 

 

Good. I hope "space" = permanent NC...

[GrayClouds]

it's done. 100%.

 

we're taking space from each other. she's on another date tonight.

 

None of that matters, what matters is what you are going to do. Is my previous post questions to hard to answers, do they hit too many fears or are you just here for to feed your feeling like a victim?

 

 

.

[bananaboat11]

None of that matters, what matters is what you are going to do. Is my previous post questions to hard to answers, do they hit too many fears or are you just here for to feed your feeling like a victim?

 

 

.

 

BEEn posting on my phone. WAnt to answer when I'm on a computer. Sorry!

[bananaboat11]

BB you are really in no place to be dating, your carrying a sack of insanity that is keeps people seeing your kindness, depth and intelligence, that is you.

 

Can't you see that this obsession about a 2 week non-relationship is has way too much affect on you? Can you see your ruminations on the last 6 month relationship too is completely disproportional?

 

Your in desperate need of something, something quite apparent is not going to come from anywhere but within yourself. Your need for approval, fear of not being good enough, inability to let go, the complications to recovering from even the smallest set backs is leading you in a circle like a dog chasing his own tail, but at least the dog is enjoying himself.

 

Stop avoiding yourself, start being kind to you. Take a break, leave the women alone, learn to be alone and love it. Find a better therapist, this one is not helping you to grow. Find one who does not encourage you to embrace your insecurities. It is really important that you figure out why you define yourself via your weaknesses rather then you strengths. Why you look so hard for external confirmation of your worth. Until you start finding it inside no girl will do it, no amount of working out will do it, no amount of academic achievement will do it, and no amountsupport from forums will do it.

 

You deserve love, more then anything you deserve it from yourself. It is time to find it. It is time to do something different. What is that going to be?

 

 

.

 

.

 

In all honesty, you're 100% right. I always feel if I define myself thru strengths, my arrogance will prevail. THIs girl could like me, but what she says and does are very different. Action defines character. WIll finish this tomorrow. so tired

[DenverBachelor]

Banana,

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're missing the bigger picture which is HAVING FUN. I'm not the kind of person that will say I'm "in love" or "committed" to a woman for a minimum of three months. Probably because I never hang around one woman all the time or long enough for it to get to that point any sooner.

 

You need to be honest with yourself and really do some soul-searching and figure out what you want vs. what you need right now in your life. It sounds like you want to have fun but you feel like you need a relationship.

 

You can't "figure out" a woman in two weeks. ****, I've known women more most of my life and still haven't figured them out. She has issues? Welcome to life -- so do you. Maybe you're being a little uptight about the whole dating thing. Maybe you're still depressed about your long-term relationship ex.

 

Whatever the case, I think you really need to tone down the relationship rhetoric and learn how to be that fun-loving and free-wheeling guy that attracted your last serious ex. You got burned somewhat recently, so your brain is now "soft-wired" to do relationship evaluation first instead of just going with the flow and having a good time.

 

If it doesn't work out with one, you just won't care -- because you will be hanging out and seeing a dozen others.

[bananaboat11]

Banana,

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're missing the bigger picture which is HAVING FUN. I'm not the kind of person that will say I'm "in love" or "committed" to a woman for a minimum of three months. Probably because I never hang around one woman all the time or long enough for it to get to that point.

 

You need to be honest with yourself and really do some soul-searching and figure out what you want vs. what you need right now in your life. It sounds like you want to have fun but you feel like you need a relationship.

 

You can't "figure out" a woman in two weeks. ****, I've known women more most of my life and still haven't figured them out. She has issues? Welcome to life -- so do you. Maybe you're being a little uptight about the whole dating thing. Maybe you're still depressed about your long-term relationship ex.

 

Whatever the case, I think you really need to tone down the relationship rhetoric and learn how to be that fun-loving and free-wheeling guy that attracted your last serious ex. You got burned somewhat recently, so your brain is now "soft-wired" to do relationship evaluation first instead of just going with the flow and having a good time.

 

If it doesn't work out with one, you just won't care -- because you will be hanging out and seeing a dozen others.

 

So true.

 

I don't think I have a healthy rationalization and grip on relationships right now. So I can't be in one.

[DenverBachelor]

So true.

 

I don't think I have a healthy rationalization and grip on relationships right now. So I can't be in one.

 

I'm not saying you don't have a healthy grip on relationships but you have recently been through a traumatic situation. Breaking up is just as shocking and traumatic as being on a plane that crashes and you're one of the only survivors. Or, it is like being chased through the jungle by a lion that happens to get a piece of you with its paw before you escape.

 

You're going to be pretty shaken up about planes and lions for a while. You're brain is going to go into paranoid / ultra-analysis mode when confronted with them.

 

It is the same with relationships and women. You're still hurt whether you know it or not (so am I on some very subconscious level).

 

I have to consciously remind myself each time I meet a cute girl and flirt with her that she isn't necessarily anything like my ex and that I need to shut off that part of my brain that is asking, "how is she going to screw me over?"

 

Clearing the conscious is a battle, but clearing the subconscious is a full-out war.

 

I've worked very hard to get that kid mentality back of "the world can do anything and I'll still laugh and think it is magical and full of unexplored mysteries" but it is challenging.

 

Best thing you can do is see multiple women and keep your options wide-open while telling your brain to take a back-seat with the hyper-realizations.

[S.Tee]

Hi Banana,

 

I agree with DB, just take a break likewise she also need time to explore. She had not break-up with you totally and she also not giving you false hope. I must say that she is being honest in all these situation actually.

 

You might never know once you move on with your life, she will be back coz you have proved yourself there is no hard feelings, there is no heart-broken at all but you had handled things quite well. I happened to me, & with the right approach, my ex seems to be trying hard to get my attention back. She needed space and I provided her space so it was not hard for me. It can sometimes show hidden chemistry.

 

Her recent dating does not show much coz there is no commitment, let her explore (but hope not up to extend something intimate). Kindness do have limits, and being good to yourself also a major kindness to impress others.

 

Good luck!

[bananaboat11]

it does get kind of annoying thinking about her + her ex again...

 

ugh

[skydiveaddict]

it does get kind of annoying thinking about her + her ex again...

 

ugh

 

 

That would annoy me as well