justwantherback Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 This weekend I messed up something so special to me it is still breaking my heart. I went out without my girlfriend Friday night, got blackout drunk, and kissed another woman. I was a little confused by the previous nights events and tried to come clean as best I could and it ended up blowing up in my face. Anyway, she took off for home two days ago to spend time with her family and get away from all of this and to "mourn me". She had trust issues from the beginning (her past, not things that I did although I have exacerbated them from time to time through truely harmelss things) and I destroyed any trust she had in me in this one idiotic and self destructive action with a drunken one second kiss. SHe wrote me a long letter yesterday basically stating that she is dying and mourning and is trying to cope with the fact that she is going to have to start over since Saturday she had a future husband and Sunday she was single. That she still does think I am amazing, unique, etc., etc. and wants me to get the help that I need, but she will never be able to trust me again and she needs to move on for herself. I have been suffering from depression and insecurity due to my job, financial situation, and some supposedly deep seeded issues and she tried to help me through it, but the kiss ended up being the last straw. Is there anything I can do to change her mind? She thinks I will always rely on alcohol and drugs as ways to cope as I have done in the past and she will never trust me again not to, but I will not be this person anymore. Since Monday, I have started therapy to try and get over my codependance and depression, started looking for new jobs that are more fulfilling to me, scheduled a GMAT test so I can go to grad school next year, have started relying on friends and family instead of drugs and alcohol which I have always done in the past, and am meeting with financial advisors and lawyers to get my finances in order. Is there anything else that I can do to show her that I never want to use self destruction as a means to cope with my insecurities and depression again? I am going to be a better person no matter what after this ordeal, but I would rather be a better person with her. She is everything that I have ever wanted in a wife, lover, friend, and mother of my children and it is destoying me that I have hurt her the way that I have. I need to know what else I can do. I am going to do everything I can to not need her in my life, but I will always want her in it.
Citizen Erased Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Let her go. Sorry, if you were blackout drunk you would have passed out, not exchanged spit with another woman. I love the excuses.
forevertoday Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Dude you kiss a girl when super wasted, 1 single mistake ever for which your are absolutely and obviously crying out loud sorry for and she goes from you being future husband to single and and you be going to a shrink. Go talk to her tell her how sorry you are and how you can't even remember what the hell happened since you were f'd up and promise her you'll never go out without her and all that. You'll never drink again. You'll go to church every Sunday. You're recycle.
utterer of lies Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 This weekend I messed up something so special to me it is still breaking my heart. I went out without my girlfriend Friday night, got blackout drunk, and kissed another woman. Be a man and take responsibility for your actions. This is just weak. But anyway. You kissed another women. No big deal. You and her both need to grow up. If you are really important to her, she'll come to realize that what you have is worth more than just a drunken kiss. And if she breaks it off because of this, you should be happy you were saved before you invested more time of your life in her.
ADF Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 When you cheat on someone--and what you did was chaeting, albeit of a minor variety--they are the ones who get to decide what happens next. If this woman leaves for good--and it sounds like that is what she intends--don't try to keep her "in your life." You and I both know that in this context, keeping her in your life means trying to get her back. Do that, and you'll just end up driving yourself and her crazy.
sally4sara Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Unless you can realistically vow to never drink again, you cannot earn her trust back. It is very hard, even without a mistake happening, to trust someone who gets black out drunk. Even the defense of "I was blacked out" is a defeating defense. I know you want to show that you did not chose the action that drove her away, but it also removes you ability to say it will never happen again. To be able to prevent it from happening, you have to have control over the behavior. To have control over the behavior is to say you DO have a choice. Its cyclic: I was out of control, so I will control myself next time I'm out of control. How can someone trust and believe that? So unless you can say you will never drink again - leave the girl alone.
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