iheartlavalamps Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I just can't stand to watch people who are obviously NEVER going to work out, try to make something work. It drives me nuts. Like, I have a friend who's been dating this girl for well over a year. Since about 2 months in, every time I hear about her, there's a problem, and it's SO obvious to me that they don't belong together (she never has time for him yet is always with other guys, he is never her priority, she tells him she loves him but she's not IN love with him, etc). However, he just won't see it that this girl is NOT right for him. I just want to shake him and be like "YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME!!!" What do you guys hate?
Author iheartlavalamps Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 Ok, I thought about it, and I know why. I used to do the EXACT same thing, when I was in high school. Dating guys that were obviously all wrong, and having relationships last 9-15 months that had serious problems, but instead of ditching a failing relationship, I tried to "fix" it because I "loved" them. And then . . . I hit college. And I realized that getting frisky with someone didn't have to mean a relationship, and a date didn't have to mean a relationship, and a boyfriend could last 2 weeks, and it was all good. But it still drives me nuts.
Morals Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Ok, I thought about it, and I know why. I used to do the EXACT same thing, when I was in high school. Dating guys that were obviously all wrong, and having relationships last 9-15 months that had serious problems, but instead of ditching a failing relationship, I tried to "fix" it because I "loved" them. And then . . . I hit college. And I realized that getting frisky with someone didn't have to mean a relationship, and a date didn't have to mean a relationship, and a boyfriend could last 2 weeks, and it was all good. But it still drives me nuts. Not that you are the one to do this, but this perfectly points out some of the issues of today's dating world. You stated that getting frisky with someone or going on a date doesn't mean it's a relationship, and I agree. But at the same time many women go through those same exact motions, expecting it to be a relationship...and when it isn't come here and complain. Or better yet, they come back years later saying "Why did these relationships never pan out?" and if you look at it here, you see why. The inability to take dating seriously, just because you CAN have casual sex or you CAN go on a date and it not be a relationship doesn't mean you shouldn't put forth the effort. I think the blessing and curse of young love (i.e. high school romance) is that some of them put forth a considerable amount of effort to stay with the person they like, much more then I see in adults. There's a fine line between, "ok this isn't working out" and "ok, I need to see what can be done to make this work". NO relationship is easy, and every relationship requires work, by one, or the other, or both parties at some points. What could be a "serious problem" to you is only a minor problem to others. Granted things like one person not prioritizing the other in their life is a rather glaring problem, I wouldn't be so quick to escalate issues above what the owner of them values them at. This is the pot calling the kettle black here... (Me)...but... I think that at some point we rely too much upon the advice of others, sometimes the only way to learn or fix something is to figure it out yourself(yourselves if with partner). Like the saying goes "There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path."
paddington bear Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 yeah it totally sucks that all my friends have known and seen relationships that I've been in have been DOOMED, and that I had to stupidly waste months of my life, sometimes years to figure it out for myself. But that's what you've got to let your friend do, figure it out for himself. One day he'll realise. Until then you just have to stand on the sidelines watching it all happening in slow motion. You asked what drives others nuts? Well, on the same theme, that I spend too long on doomed relationships and ignore the advice/observations of my friends. I think there is something about autonomy in there 'I know what's best for me, not you guys'. I hate when they are always, always proved right. Just for once I'd like to say "see that guy that you all thought wasn't into me and I should ditch? Well you were wrong about him. We are moving in/getting married/some other 'look, he does love me' proof" But it never happens. Sigh. Should listen to my friends more I guess.
VertexSquared Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 1. Dependency 2. Afraid to be alone 3. Afraid to go without sex 4. Afraid to screw up friend circles I'd say these reasons are normally why people stick with doomed relationships.
paddington bear Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 1. Dependency 2. Afraid to be alone 3. Afraid to go without sex 4. Afraid to screw up friend circles I'd say these reasons are normally why people stick with doomed relationships. and being in love with them. Sometimes you are incompatible, the other person treats you like crap and still you love them (annoyingly) and that too keeps you there, genuine emotional attachment
lofi_tokyo Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I hate when they are always, always proved right. Just for once I'd like to say "see that guy that you all thought wasn't into me and I should ditch? Well you were wrong about him. We are moving in/getting married/some other 'look, he does love me' proof" With a lot of my friends, and perhaps even in some dating situations I've been in, that has been a driving factor I think. I can't count how many times I've heard "yeah but you don't understand... we have this connection". As if that connection is some untangible sign that no others can understand which signifies that the relationship, no matter how bad it looks on paper, will work. I also think its kind of silly getting TOO annoyed by people in relationships like this. I mean, I've worked on relationships that were doomed - I've tried to "fix" them or whatever - but isn't that part of the fun? I mean really, even if its tiring and stressful and whatever else bad, its nice having someone to fight for sometimes. I think high school students or even college students may very well know their current relationship isn't likely to last forever, but they fight for it anyways. They're young, and maybe it seems to you that they're wasting their time, and perhaps in some cases they are, but really, if they're say 21, they've got a while until they get married, let them spend it how they want. If that means fighting for a doomed relationship, well so be it!
SarahRose Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I have a friend in a doomed relationship now It is so truly sad I can hardly listen to him anymore. He married some 3rd world scammer hooker and she is trying to get rid of him but he keeps insisting their love can conquer all. She is just point blank abusing him verbally and emotionally and picking fights constantly but he just keeps coming back for more like a lap dog.
TouchedByViolet Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I wish I knew what is wrong with the human mind to form unhealthy relationships and go against reason to maintain them. I suspect individuals focus on the narrow range of positives in a relationship and convince themselves they will never find it again in someone else. Still one would think with some basic reasoning a person could move past this but emotions are so overpowering. Our emotions control us more than we ever admit. Life is weird.
Author iheartlavalamps Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 I wish I knew what is wrong with the human mind to form unhealthy relationships and go against reason to maintain them. I suspect individuals focus on the narrow range of positives in a relationship and convince themselves they will never find it again in someone else. Still one would think with some basic reasoning a person could move past this but emotions are so overpowering. Our emotions control us more than we ever admit. Life is weird. THAT is too true. That's how it always was with me. I dated one guy for 11 months, officially. Over a year, unofficially. He was insane, he had an IQ wayyyy under average (no offense to those who do, but everyone on here knows that they look for intelligence somewhere), and he was going nowhere in his life because he was lazy. He was also jealous and controlling. I realized this 3 months in, I stuck it out for 8 more because "he was so sweet" when he wasn't being a jerk.
Author iheartlavalamps Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 There's a fine line between, "ok this isn't working out" and "ok, I need to see what can be done to make this work". NO relationship is easy, and every relationship requires work, by one, or the other, or both parties at some points. What could be a "serious problem" to you is only a minor problem to others. Granted things like one person not prioritizing the other in their life is a rather glaring problem, I wouldn't be so quick to escalate issues above what the owner of them values them at. There can be a fine line, but the way I see it. . . If you're still supposed to be in that "honeymoon" stage, and you're unhappy. . . you need to re-evaluate. If you're in a relationship with someone, and you've been fighting over the EXACT same thing for 8 months out of a 9 month relationship, you've been trying a little bit too hard. If you have been with someone over a year, and spent more than 3/4 of that time trying to MAKE them happy with you, you're in the wrong relationship. What I meant was more along the lines of people who try to force a relationship to work, when one person is clearly unhappy with the actual relationship, because there aren't feelings, or attraction, or something.
TheBigQuestion Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I've known two couples like this. The first one was my roommate/fraternity brother during my last year of college and his girlfriend, who essentially lived with us in our room too. They're still together, so there's something good going on there I guess, but they are probably the most volatile couple I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing. While I lived with him, they had an average of two blowout fights per week. I'm talking the full monty: screaming, storming out of the house, slamming doors, breaking doors, occasionally throwing stuff, you get the idea. It was extremely sad to witness, but it was easy to figure out why they were the way they were. She suffers from bipolar disorder and as far as I know does not take any medication for it, is very unintelligent, and is the product of a broken home. She's generally an immature and difficult person who is prone to being very angry. He is a guy with essentially no backbone, despite being physically imposing. He got his mom to quit his job for him, at age 21. Let that speak for itself. He also has a major temper problem and was unable to let go of her checkered past. Let's just say he asked about how many past partners she had, she gave an honest answer, and he was not happy with it.
TheBigQuestion Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 The second couple that I wanted to discuss recently broke up, and the fact that this happened made me extremely happy because it was basically the situation that led me to start posting here again after a two year absence. In a nutshell, another one of my fraternity brothers/friends started dating a girl that had briefly dated me, led me on, screwed me over, did it all in a pretty cowardly way, who then befriended me afterwards. He started doing so less than two months after things had gone our between the girl and I, and in between that time, she managed to do more or less the same to another poor sap. Well, these two started dating last June, and broke up last week. She's the type of girl who is never really satisfied with anything and has an incredibly difficult time handling school and work related stress. She's also very good at being heartless and rationalizing it so that it doesn't look that way to herself and to others. The reason no one picks up on this at first is because she's awesome girlfriend material *on paper*, if you know what I mean. He is extremely crude, rough around the edges, has physically struck at least one of his past girlfriends, but was in many ways completely whipped by her. Friends have told me that she's generally been unpleasant as a girlfriend, and that she's extremely high maintenance on an emotional level. At one point, he got completely hammered one night and she blew him off because she had to study. He became extremely angry and began to try to break into her campus house. Guess who she called for advice at 2AM and to see if there was anyone who could get him away? You guessed it: me. AND this was already 5 months into the relationship. The reason I figured they'd never work is because they are both broken people on some fundamental level or another. I won't lie though. That whole situation has been an a big source of frustration and sadness in me, and while it's gotten way better as time as passed, I did do a bit of a victory run all through my house when I was told that they were donezo.
aerogurl87 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 My best friend is like this. She's been dating her boyfriend for close to 2 years and they just moved in together. When she doesn't agree with him he hangs up on her or storms out of the room. He never compliments her but she puts him up on this pedestal and inflates his ego. Then he complains about her all the time, calls her lazy and such, I don't get it. And it didn't just start getting like this, it's gotten progressively worse and worse as time goes on. They argue all the time and every other day she calls me crying about something he's said or done. Everyone in our group of friends says she can do better, but she's in denial of everything. It's clear she's unhappy but she believes he's the best she can get so she stays I guess.
You'reasian Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I just can't stand to watch people who are obviously NEVER going to work out, try to make something work. It drives me nuts. Like, I have a friend who's been dating this girl for well over a year. Since about 2 months in, every time I hear about her, there's a problem, and it's SO obvious to me that they don't belong together (she never has time for him yet is always with other guys, he is never her priority, she tells him she loves him but she's not IN love with him, etc). However, he just won't see it that this girl is NOT right for him. I just want to shake him and be like "YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME!!!" What do you guys hate? The guy should recognize that she's not as interested in him and hang out with other lady friends. win-win.
Author iheartlavalamps Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 My best friend is like this. She's been dating her boyfriend for close to 2 years and they just moved in together. When she doesn't agree with him he hangs up on her or storms out of the room. He never compliments her but she puts him up on this pedestal and inflates his ego. Then he complains about her all the time, calls her lazy and such, I don't get it. And it didn't just start getting like this, it's gotten progressively worse and worse as time goes on. They argue all the time and every other day she calls me crying about something he's said or done. Everyone in our group of friends says she can do better, but she's in denial of everything. It's clear she's unhappy but she believes he's the best she can get so she stays I guess. That sounds like someone I know, she was with a man who got her pregnant a looooong time ago, and stuck around. After that, he progressively treated her worse for 15 years, until just a few months ago, he thought she was cheating so he took basically everything he could and left her. 15 years. That's a long time.
Recommended Posts