fit Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Hi guys. This is strictly an open ended question to all married guys who work to support their families. I am married with 2 kids. I love my wife and adore my kids. I have a well paying job...of course along with all of this I have the responsibility of carrying the family financially. Lately I find myself yearning for something different. I miss being single, not so much for dating, I just miss not having to be responsible for anyone but ME. I miss being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have a good job in IT but I am burnt out on it...being couped up in an office doing the every day long commute is very draining. Not sure where all of this is going....I just am wondering if anyone else feels this way.
Woggle Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Grind is not a part of my marriage. Sure I have to grind to pay the bills like most people but after the day I go home to a great woman.
alphamale Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I love my wife and adore my kids. I have a well paying job... so basically whats the problem?
Enema Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 7 year itch? How long have you been together? I'm lucky in that my wife has her own career and we're on the same page about never having kids. Our life is pretty awesome and I aim to keep it that way.
mem11363 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I agree with Woggle - work may be a grind but being with my wife more than makes up for it. As for the kids - well eventually they will grow out of being teenagers Grind is not a part of my marriage. Sure I have to grind to pay the bills like most people but after the day I go home to a great woman.
linwood Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 My job is a grind. I`ve been burnt out on it for close to a decade(Same job for 16 years). It simply doesn`t challenge me at all..it`s boring. I`m only still there because of my family, we need the security(Good pay great bennies/schedule). If I were single I would have quit and moved on to a new challenge a decade ago. I do sometimes throw myself a little pity party about this but then I get my sorry ass home I realize why I do it. My home life more than makes up for any sacrifice I`m making career wise. My job isn`t going to get any more fulfilling so I find my meaning in my family.
SavannahSmiles Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Obviously I'm not a man, but sometimes I long to be single again too. It has nothing to do with not loving my man I miss the little things like warming up my Lean Cuisine and going to the club with my friends checking out the "merchandise." Whenever I think that I remember how happy I was to finally find a man willing to commit to me for life. lol! We want what we don't have. We must learn to be content and enjoy what we are blessed with!
Lecturer Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I don't want to be single, and its not the responsibility I have issue with - but I am sick of the grind and I am certainly burning out. I've got the 1 hour each way commute in heavy city traffic, full day of stressful and frustrating IT job, then evenings where we're so exhausted all we can do is summon the energy to take care of our [awesome] toddler. A few months ago I started exercising in the hope that it would increase my energy levels and possibly restore some sexual chemistry, but alas, no dice. Maybe it's because work has only got more and more stressful. My small company has been in a "do-or-die" situation for 2 full years now, where it may go out of business (and me out of a job) any day. There are no other jobs available that will pay the minimum required to keep my family the way it is (wife home with son). I've had 2 offerings of "you can have the job if you want it", but I simply couldn't take the loss of pay. So I suck it up, and deal with the nail-bitting situation every day. Deal with the s*&t that gets dumped on me every day by superiors who are all stressed out that they will lose their jobs/company/houses. Go home to an environment completely void of sexual chemistry due to exhaustion, stress, repetition, boredom, familiarity, etc.
norajane Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Since you could lose your job any day, you should be out looking for a new job now. I work for a software company - there are lots of job openings in my company, so there have to be job openings at our customers since they have money to buy software, and they are buying software. Or, have that serious talk with your wife, and tell her you're totally burned out, have to take something else that will likely pay less, and would she consider going back to work. Because you'll be no good to anyone if you burn out. You're also in a much better position to find a new job while you have a job, than you will be if your company goes under and you're layed off. So make this a priority. Don't hang on until the axe falls.
WalkInThePark Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Does your wife work as well? Is the responsibility well shared between you and your wife? I am always very surprised to read how many guys are the sole breadwinner for their family and on top of that, take care of the administration, do reparation works in the house, call repair guys for things that they can't fix. Especially because very often their wife does not do anything more than take care of the kids and run the household (cooking, cleaning and laundry) but is still overwhelmed and depressed. This is very surprising for me because my mother ran a shop together with my father so worked a lot, and at the same time she was an excellent cook, the house was clean, the clothers were washed and ironed and kids were behaving well and doing good at school. If my man would allow me to be a SAHM, I would make sure that the things I take care of are very well done and that my man is treated like a king. I say this because I wonder if your burn-out is not because you give a lot and get little in return. This said, don't make yourself too many illusions about the single life. It is the same grind you know. It is also going to work to pay the bills and sometimes staying in a job which is not very satisfactory. The only difference is that you have to do everything yourself: paying the bills, doing the chores,. And you can't look forward to do something nice with your family in the weekend because you don't have one...
WalkingOnEggs Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I hear that! I also work in IT and although my job pays well, I'll never be rich this way. Yeah, the pressure to keep the family afloat is always present. The burnout at times makes me feel like a zombie. I know exactly how you feel. If I were single I'd have saved enough to retire by now. I know I spend next to nothing on my own. I think often of all the great places I never visited, the time off I never really get to take. All water under the bridge now. On the other hand, I look at a couple of single friends I have my age and their life now looks a little sad. One of them hooked up with a divorced woman who he hadn't seen since the 4th grade and who already has 3 kids. I'm glad I had my kids when I was young enough to have the energy to keep up with them. I'm glad that now they're teens, I'm only in my mid forties and not mid sixties. And frankly, I'm glad I've been able to do a job all these years that hasn't made me miserable. Yeah, I get burned out to a crisp many times, but it still beats many of these jobs I see people doing and hating every day. And hey, I got some money, a hot wife, great kids, and great health. F*ck it, we're on top of the world. Now if I could take 6 months off of work ..
Author fit Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 Does your wife work as well? Is the responsibility well shared between you and your wife? I am always very surprised to read how many guys are the sole breadwinner for their family and on top of that, take care of the administration, do reparation works in the house, call repair guys for things that they can't fix. Especially because very often their wife does not do anything more than take care of the kids and run the household (cooking, cleaning and laundry) but is still overwhelmed and depressed. If my man would allow me to be a SAHM, I would make sure that the things I take care of are very well done and that my man is treated like a king. I say this because I wonder if your burn-out is not because you give a lot and get little in return. Bingo.. I do all of the things above. My wife takes care of the kids and the house. I d feel like I am doing everything--but to be honest I don't have faith in her ability to manage our money. She is bad with it, period. I dont necessarily want to be single but I hate the trapped feeling I get going to work everyday because I cant afford to "take a chance" on a career or job change because my job pays enough for us to live(sort of) and most other jobs close to my home dont.
blair08 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I see this alot among couples sometimes where one spouse will resent the other for not working and contributing to the bills and they feel underappreciated, and the other spouse will resent the other because they take care of the kids and house and feel they are not being appreciated. Its like a cycle, that needs to be broke. Surely there could be some kind of compromise?
xxoo Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I see this alot among couples sometimes where one spouse will resent the other for not working and contributing to the bills and they feel underappreciated, and the other spouse will resent the other because they take care of the kids and house and feel they are not being appreciated. Its like a cycle, that needs to be broke. Surely there could be some kind of compromise? SO true. If the sah partner is "overwhelmed and exhausted", that's a good sign that she is working hard, too! I am a mostly sahm (work pt, professionally), and my working (for pay) hours often feel like a break Appreciating each other, and the work we each do, is a good place to start. This is a team effort, not a competition. Next, if everyone is overwhelmed, it is time to brainstorm and problem solve. Can any expenses be reduced? Can the work/home balance be shifted? (it helped when I started working pt, giving H some more time with the kids and me time out of the house). Also, is your wife overspending? If so, why? Does she lack financial skills and awareness? Or is it "emotional spending"? Again, brainstorm and problem solve, as a team.
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 You guys need a hobby or a night out where you do something that challenges you artistically, physically, mentally. Hopefully something together and something apart; one evening for you and one evening for her, where you watch the kids. Get a babysittter and then have date night. Try, when affordable, to spend a weekend away. Paying the bills, working a boring job and tending to house and kids can drive you both stark raving mad. We all need balance and fun in our lives. Sit down with her and make some plans together to de-rut your existence.
Lecturer Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 Good advice - hasn't worked for us though. I started playing hockey, and she took a photography class. We have very, very rare access to babysitter as nobody is around this area to do it, and family doesn't want to - they do it about once per 3 months (which we make use of). We're very rutted and stuck. The only option to fix it is to have her go back to work, which is her absolute nightmare (she only works the worst jobs, and hates it.. plus the idea of not raising our son makes her cry hysterically). I, too, don't exactly want him raised in a daycare, so that is partly why I just keep doing what we're doing.
SarahRose Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 All you can really do is downsize. Cut back on your expenses and don't have anymore children. I honestly don't know why people have children these days. Too expensive and too much of a burden. Can your wives get jobs?
SarahRose Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I am not a man obviously but I earn the most in the marriage. I gave up a relatively stress free but low paying job to go back to corporate hell at a huge engineering place that pays top dollar. Most people would love to have this job and the money it pays. But...I am so depressed and resentful. My husband works but he is as far as he can go there and won't take on anymore or do anything to improve his salary but I felt I was forced to improve mine. My plan is to stay a year or two at this place and pay off all my debt except for the mortgage and then do whatever the hell I want. I'm at the age where I should be slowing down and starting to take it easy.
Author fit Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Small things add spice to life like an occasional date alone with your wife, romantic dinners etc. You have a more than average and a happy life anyone would envy. Think about it. It is in your hands to make everyday beautiful. Maybe. It is in my hands, but soetimes my hands seem very full :/
Eve Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I have mentioned this before in another thread.. talk together about how you each feel and budget for an entertainment fund. If your Wife takes this on as her thing at least this way the pressure wont be too heavy on her to get a full scale job whilst raising the children. She will just need to earn a set amount. Only advice I can offer really. Money can never be the problem when it is jointly distributed on things that you both like. Please dont fall into the trap of wishful thinking and despondency. I have got a bit mixed up on whether the OP is the one who cant get a babysitter. Usually teen girls jump at the chance of making a bit of money. You just need to find someone local who is trustworthy. With regard to potential interests, is there somewhere you miss going to? Start there. I do think that it is important to maintain some sort of interest away form the family. My Hubby plays darts and is into football. Find something that you want to do and encourage your Wife to do the same. Hopefully your children all have interests too. Hope you feel better soon about the situation and can forge a master plan together that can be more fun than challenging. ... but yeah.. I get where you are.. been there. Sounds like it is time for a change around, thats all. Take care, Eve xx
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