JasperGretsch Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Hi everyone, I'm new here. My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years, and for the last year and a half or so things have been very up and down. We get along, and we can find some things to bond over, but there has always been a feeling of something not being right though I could never put my finger on it. I'm very much a sociable person, and like to take a variety of interests. My wife is more of a reserved, quiet person who has few interests of her own, known of which we actually share. Like I said we can bond over some things, like movies, playing cards, spending time with family etc.. but when it comes to a real connection between us, I've come to realize that there is just nothing there. I always felt like the person I was with, should be someone who I enjoy being with just by being in their presence, that there didn't have to even be any conversation to just feel the love between one another, and it is definitely on that way between us. My wife and I would talk about these feelings and she would admit to feeling them a bit, but nothing that worried her. For a while we'd be able to feel like we ignited a new spark by making sure we focused on each other's needs and made sure that we were paying more attention and spending more time with each other. But with each passing month that renewed feeling would pass, and with each repeat discussion, the length of time of feeling rejeuvinated would pass. We're just at a point now where we both agree that there is no longer any real meaningful connection between us. We still care for each other and there is some love there, but we feel like it is over for the both of us. The problem is that I have a history of depression, and in this instance I can feel good about our decision to soon separate, but have my times when I feel like we're making a mistake and should try harder. That feeling doesn't last long however and I revert back to my original gut feeling that this is the right thing to do, as I feel like I've been feeling deep down for months now. But another problem of course is our separation if it actually does happen. I'm disabled, and collecting SSDI, so I don't make very much. I know I have some plans in place to stay in our home (we are upside down in it and can't sell it and she has less desire to stay), but I get concerned with the long run and things not working out. I also think about the future and my meeting someone else. As a person with a disability, as independent and self motivated and determined as I am, I am just scared of the prospect of dating again and the strugggle with that that I previously was used to facing. All these things make me doubt my feelings, but I know the doubt only comes from fear. Or does it?
Nutmeg617 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Wow. Our stories are so similar that for a moment I wondered if my husband found this site and was writing it himself! I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I have a really good idea. I wish I had the answers for the both of us. Are there any children involved? Have you ever tried marriage counseling? It sounds like the two of you have been able to communicate your issues openly, and that you both have been putting in some effort, which is great. I would suggest trying MC at least before you make any major decisions, because you don't want to look back in 10 years and regret not making every effort to make things work. I also wonder if the thing that keeps me from leaving is just fear, but perhaps it's something more. Some little seed of hope that if we just acknowledge it, might begin to grow. I imagine that you'll know when it's really time to throw in the towel. I've heard from many people that you just wake up one day with a clarity that tells you you've done all you could, and the time has come to move on. Until that moment I think we owe it to ourselves to stay on the ride. We've invested ourselves in a life with this other person, it's too important to just shrug and walk away. That's my take anyway. I wish for you the same thing I wish for myself: that clarity will come, and come swiftly. Good luck and take care.
Author JasperGretsch Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 No kids thankfully. We're going to do individual counseling which I've been at already. I think that clarity has already come for us. We just need to draft an agreement and See what's next. Its my goal to br off any support from Hey within a year or two. And the supposed isn't much, only 400 or so just to cover my defecit We want to do this as cheaply and easily as we can
What_Next Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Are you sure a seperation is the route you want to go? You say you've been going to individual counsiling, has that improved things at all? It's already been suggested but I definitely would investigate MC. Some people say taking a "break" is just delaying what will eventually happen, some people say it can help. I'm honestly on the fence, but it might be an option as well.
2sure Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 No one can really make someone else happy. A good partner can only enhance their spouse. A happy interesting & engaged person can enhance their spouse even if they are happy about different things, interested in different things, and engaged in different things. It sounds like neither one of you is particularly happy with yourselves...so how could your partner possibly be happy with you. Sure, it is each of our responsibility as a spouse to support & encourage & even make an effort to entertain our partners...but like I said - no one can make someone else a happy person.
Author JasperGretsch Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 Are you sure a seperation is the route you want to go? You say you've been going to individual counsiling, has that improved things at all? It's already been suggested but I definitely would investigate MC. Some people say taking a "break" is just delaying what will eventually happen, some people say it can help. I'm honestly on the fence, but it might be an option as well. It has, but it's only made us realize even more how we feel. We just know in our heart that this cant be fixed. Again while we care about each other and can be good friends, we just don't have the basic connection that sometimes I'm not sure if we even had. Some of these issues have come up for years and we've only been married for 5. No one can really make someone else happy. A good partner can only enhance their spouse. A happy interesting & engaged person can enhance their spouse even if they are happy about different things, interested in different things, and engaged in different things. It sounds like neither one of you is particularly happy with yourselves...so how could your partner possibly be happy with you. Sure, it is each of our responsibility as a spouse to support & encourage & even make an effort to entertain our partners...but like I said - no one can make someone else a happy person. True advice. We are happy individually, but the problem is like you said that a partner should enhance the other one, and we don't do that for each other any more. Over time we've grown to know more of what we want and need in a person and neither of us is able to give that.
floridapad Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 No one can really make someone else happy. A good partner can only enhance their spouse. A happy interesting & engaged person can enhance their spouse even if they are happy about different things, interested in different things, and engaged in different things. It sounds like neither one of you is particularly happy with yourselves...so how could your partner possibly be happy with you. Sure, it is each of our responsibility as a spouse to support & encourage & even make an effort to entertain our partners...but like I said - no one can make someone else a happy person. BAM!!!! This is a great post. Love goes beyond just a magical feeling for another person or a feeling that person magically brings you. There are WAY too many people that are trying to look to another person to make themselves happy. You are cycling through a long term relationship. Just because the feeling is a bit dormant doesn't mean it can't be awakened. I really do suggest you find some good LT relationship books and read them together and STOP looking for reasons why the feeling is not htere any more and start looking for reasons why it SHOULD be there. Read and learn.
Author JasperGretsch Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 Well the thing we're starting to realize that it never was there or atleast not like we thought. We've gone from feeling like we're partners in life to just two people living together
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