iroxpineapple Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum Well I'm feeling pretty torn about my situation right now: my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I got into a bad argument today. Hm maybe I should add some background info first-in the beginning of our relationship I made it clear that I value honesty. I've caught him in numerous lies earlier in our relationship- some of them about his past and others were stupid lies like whether or not he hung out with friends. We were constantly arguing to the point where we broke up. We got back together and PROMISED to each other that we will be completely honest to each other and tell each other everything. However today, he sent me a link to this car import forum he goes on to show me something. I was curious and looked through a lot of the stuff he posted. I became really upset when I saw that he agreed to going to this club/lounge bar with his car import team. He had told me that they wanted him to go but he said no. Now, albeit, this happened back in January. The thing that I'm most upset about is that he broke his promise and lied to me about something so trivial as going to a bar. I was so upset at work ( I am always incredibly composed and professional at work) that I asked my boss if I could leave early. I was so angry and just completely upset because this isn't the first time, which is why we made that promise. My bf and I were talking over aim and he had said that I deserve to feel upset because that is what I get for snooping. He came to pick me up and we talked about it. He was upset and angry with-surprise- with himself. I literally gave it to him-I never curse/yell or get so angry with him-but this was just it. anyway, I'm sorry that this is so lengthy but my main thing is...I feel so empty still. Even though I'm giving him a second chance, his words were "I'm scared it will happen again. I want you to be happy and even if it's with someone else then I'll have to be okay with it." He used to be upset that I don't completely trust him but I explained to him that I can not give you trust if you do not give me honesty. SIGH....I love him lol but Im not happy that he does this to me
ADF Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 For two people to tell each other absolutely everything, no matter how trivial, is an utterly impossible standard. Utterly impossible. You are basically saying your Bf should have abosolutely no space of his own in his life, no corner of his existence that he doesn't share with you. That's crazy. It's inhuman. And it's impossible. I think you have some very serious control issues. You should think about getting professional help.
Author iroxpineapple Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 um... thanks i guess for the advice? i did not mean literally every single minute detail of our lives. however when he asks about my day or says what are my plans for the weekend, i tell him the truth. he however has a tendency to lie.
ADF Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 um... thanks i guess for the advice? i did not mean literally every single minute detail of our lives. however when he asks about my day or says what are my plans for the weekend, i tell him the truth. he however has a tendency to lie. If I misrepresented your attitude, I'm sorry. There are a couple of things that led me to think you might be overly controlling. 1) You wrote, "We got back together and PROMISED to each other that we will be completely honest to each other and tell each other everything." Really? Everything? 2) The examples you gave of what he lied about seemed so trivial, and yet you felt driven to distraction by grief. I had to wonder if the reason he didn't tell the truth is becuase he didn't want to have to account for his every little move. Or, maybe he felt you'd find some reason he shouldn't do what some of the things he wanted to do.
Author iroxpineapple Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 I realized after I read over everything that I DID write "tell each other everything". Goodness no, I would hate to do narrate my entire day by the minute to him. I do understand how some of the reasons are so trivial because I mean they really but the fact that he keeps lying about his plans or what he does...ugh. He made a huge deal about how I don't give him complete trust. I tell him when I go out with my friends or how my days are when he asks me truthfully, which is why he says he completely trusts me. When we talked after work, I was pointed out the fact that how can I give him my complete trust when he breaks his promise to be honest? He said the reason for him lying was because he felt that if I had known about his plans then I might want to come & he wouldn't have time for himself. As for that club/lounge night with his guys, he said even tho some of his guys brought their gfs, he just didn't feel like driving back and forth from his house to mine to pick me up. I do understand in the beginning of our relationship, I was VERY clingy and was completely latched to him. That was literally the first couple months of our relationship and I keep trying to tell him to communicate with me and just TELL me how he feels/what he wants. Instead he resorts to lying. What really broke my heart was when he told me that he doesn't deserve me and believes that I should be with someone better after all that he's put me through.
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