bob4975 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Hi all, About two days ago I ended an almost 2 year (counting time apart) relationship with my GF. The story of some of our problems are here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t234031/ Tuesday night we got into another horrible fight where many things were said, some forgive-able and some not. I decided to end it. The thought of ending this relationship has be on my mind for the past month or so now just due to the constant stress caused by all of our fighting. The constant demand for me to change and to make sure I tell every detail of my day (if I forgot one aspect and mentioned it later I did not forget but apparently I was 'hiding and lying'). For the past day or so I have essentially been in seclusion just thinking things over and I know this is for the best. It's brutally hard on me right now as I do love this girl but the fighting has been going on for so long it's ridiculous. The fighting is not over something big like one person cheating on the other (I would never do that to someone) but big explosions over small things. I'm not saying I'm perfect, no one is, so yes sometimes an argument is understandable but not this often. I made the mistake of checking my phone a few times. At first her texts were along the lines of how could you do this? are you happy? my heart is broken how about yours? Do the last two years mean nothing to you? Are you going to shut me completely out of your life? This is killing me because yes I do love this woman so very much, when things are good they are amazing but when things are bad they are horrible, extremely painful even. Before I left the other night I sat down with her to talk about all of this, I explained to her how I wish we could stay friends (something that a lot of the time I know is not possible) and that the past few years have meant so much to me but I don't think she was listening. I told her that I thought it was for the best that we break-up and she seemed to agree. But I don't think she took me seriously since well the text to follow after that basically said "if your not going to respond then I guess you really did mean goodbye!" I have never broken up with someone before as well this has been my first serious relationship (my first love if you will) and to be honest I don't know how people can do this. It's tearing me apart inside but it is something that I know I have to do, the stress has gotten so bad lately that after/during a fight I have left the apartment and gotten in my car and broke down crying. Friends and family have told me time and time again that this was not a healthy relationship (something I do know) but again when things are good they are amazing with her, but we fight so much that the good things are getting more few and far between. I'm not really sure why I am writing this here and i know this has to be a total jumble because my head and heart are in a million places but I guess I'm just looking for someones opinion, maybe some support, or maybe some disapproval. Anything. I apologize for the long message, I just had to clear my head a bit.
OPL86 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 This might not be what you want to hear right now, but I was just going back and forth with a couple people in another thread about this same exact idea - I feel like this is an INCREDIBLY COMMON situation. I cannot tell you how many guys I know that break up with their girlfriends because they feel so stressed out from all of the fighting and they feel like it's never going to stop and things are just not going to work because it's never going to get better... And then, for the first couple weeks, they actually feel relieved and like they made the right decision. They go out with the guys and have "bro time" and then, after a couple weeks, it all kind of starts to set in. Bro time gets a little old, the guy starts to realize - wait a minute, she's really gone, and it seems to hit them like a ton of bricks all at once. All those problems that seemed so insurmountable before don't seem to be as awful as before. And perhaps most importantly, they end up realizing that.... not having that person in their life AT ALL is a lot worse than being with that person and working through the hard times. It's just a thought - but I cannot tell you how common this really is with guys. Girls really think about things long-term and foresee all the heartache that will set in after the breakup and they decide that would be way worse than trying to work through things.
Alain Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Your situation sounds a lot like mine except my ex broke up with me. The end of a serious relationship is heartbreaking. There really is no way around it. I think you made the right choice. I know how it feels to have those cycles of awful fights and really good times. Its tiring! I have realized it is the sign of the relationship ending. Just don't move on to the next girl too quickly. I'd say wait a few months to give the relationship the respect that it deserves. I am saying this because my ex found a new guy less than two weeks after breaking up with me. As if the break up wasn't heartbreaking enough, getting replaced so easily was just devastating. Be considerate of your GF's feelings, but also be firm about your break up. Its probably best for you two to give each other space and have no contact whatsoever so you can really evaluate your relationship separately. Give it sufficient time like a few weeks or even a few months since things don't magically change over the course of a few days. You may want to give the relationship another shot or you may realize it is for the best to separate ways. I hope this helps and I wish you well.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I'm not really sure why I am writing this here and i know this has to be a total jumble because my head and heart are in a million places but I guess I'm just looking for someones opinion, maybe some support, or maybe some disapproval. Anything. I apologize for the long message, I just had to clear my head a bit. You've come to the right place man... welcome. Sorry about the circumstances. Your situation sounds like mine, which ended two years ago. Had been with GF for two years and we lived together. We'd had some great times, no doubt about it... great physical connection, spectacular sex, she loved me to death. But in the nine months or so that we lived together, we had something like 7-8 near breakups, and a bunch of serious arguments. We saw counsellors several times. Our perspectives on things were different: to her, each fight was self-contained, and once it was over, we were back to the good stuff. For me, they compounded -- at least in part -- until finally, I couldn't take anymore. I finally realized that, if it was a healthy relationship, it shouldn't be this hard. So I finally decided I had to end it. And I endured a bunch of difficult emails, texts and phone calls from her over the next few months, and that sucked... but I basically put my head down and bore through it. The critical realization for me was, "this isn't what I want my life to look like". And I realized that it wasn't going to change for the better as long as I was in that relationship. There will be things about the relationship that you'll miss. That's natural. But for me, ending the relationship was definitely the best thing, and I'm much happier now.
Author bob4975 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 You've come to the right place man... welcome. Sorry about the circumstances. Your situation sounds like mine, which ended two years ago. Had been with GF for two years and we lived together. We'd had some great times, no doubt about it... great physical connection, spectacular sex, she loved me to death. But in the nine months or so that we lived together, we had something like 7-8 near breakups, and a bunch of serious arguments. We saw counsellors several times. Our perspectives on things were different: to her, each fight was self-contained, and once it was over, we were back to the good stuff. For me, they compounded -- at least in part -- until finally, I couldn't take anymore. I finally realized that, if it was a healthy relationship, it shouldn't be this hard. So I finally decided I had to end it. And I endured a bunch of difficult emails, texts and phone calls from her over the next few months, and that sucked... but I basically put my head down and bore through it. The critical realization for me was, "this isn't what I want my life to look like". And I realized that it wasn't going to change for the better as long as I was in that relationship. There will be things about the relationship that you'll miss. That's natural. But for me, ending the relationship was definitely the best thing, and I'm much happier now. Thanks for the welcome, and thanks about the circumstances. Definitely having a rough time with things. I am sorry to hear of he situation you were in but at the same time I am glad to hear it as I know it's not just me thinking this is not normal (again first serious relationship. . .) We havent been living together as long as you were but still in the time we have been together there have been many near break-ups, and so many arguements. A lot of these arguements have been over so many silly things that I have just lost count of them. We too have had many different perspectives on what caused the fights, a lot of the time was her saying "you know I think you do this to me on purpose a lot of the time!". Yes maybe I did start a few fights still. I feel the same way, yes when things are going great this is what I want in my life, because she is so nice and amazing when we are happy but the thing is the happy is few and far between now and it's just constant fighting and stress. Believe me I know there are things I'm going to miss, I'm already feeling that way and it's tearing me up inside but I know this is what has to be done. I spoke with her last night as a favour to her but I think it's the biggest mistake I could have made. I spoke with her 'as a friend' and I made it abundantly clear and she even nodded to me saying that but the second I sat down to speak she began to beg me to take her back and try again. This just broke my heart. We had been through this so many times before, constant promises to change, for things to be better, but each time it would be great for a week or two and then it would just get even worse than before. I truely do believe this is best for us both. Alain: Thank you for your comment, believe me I don't plan on moving on to another girl any time soon. That is not the reason this is happening, I truely do love her but I can't handle the stress and strain any more. We have tried again and again to work things out and as much as sometimes I feel like I'm running away from things I know (and a friend has assured me) that I am not running. I respect this woman on so many levels, but at the same time all the fighting and arguing have just been too much. What is killing me the most right now is that I know I have to contact her again, I have decided to move out and I have to let her know that I'll be stopping by to get my things. . . It gives me a headache and a heartache to even think about it. It was our apartment.
OPL86 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I hope you don't mind my asking, but when you say that you guys fought all the time - were these like huge blow-up fights where you'd yell at each other and say things you didn't mean? Like they would be over something small, but you would both just get angry with each other and yell? Also - are you really stressed out in the rest of your life by any chance? I honestly do not mean to question the sincerity of your feelings or your certainty that the fighting was the issue - but, sometimes I think when someone's life is extremely stressful (pressure with finding the right job, making enough money, where you want to live, etc.) it can cause fights, BUT perhaps more importantly, it can make the fighting that much more exhausting and seem that much more awful than it might really be if the other areas of your life weren't already so stressful?
OPL86 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 As regards my first question, nevermind! Hah. Just saw your link to your older post.
Author bob4975 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 Hi OPL86 It's ok to ask questions but you already answered your first question, but yes huge blow ups over small things and after a while this gets tiresome. The thing is for the most part I am not stressed out in the rest of my life. While I do not have my ideal job I do enjoy my job. I have lots of work and work with some really good people (well good to get along with at least) the pay is not what I want but in time it will get better, if not I'll just look for a new job. My father has been ill but for the longest time has been showing great improvement. I have some really good friends. So honestly I can't think of any factors in my life that are continuous sources of stress. Sure everyone has stressful days but not day after day kind of things. The only time other things such as work would get really stressful is when it would stem from our home, from fighting between me and my GF. When we would be fighting I would find it so hard to focus on anything else no matter how hard I tried. But thank you for your comments
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