separated - biggest fear

[ishmaiel]

We're separated (future very uncertain). Problem, I'm still profoundly in love with my wife. She ... well, less so.

 

I never thought I would be in this situation. I assumed that as the other person falls out of love with you, so do you. In this case, it's not like that ... unfortunately.

 

To me, she's still the perfect match for me. In all respects. That, plus the 10-year history we have, combines to create a rich tapestry that I fear I will never have again with anyone else (hint: biggest fear: read on).

 

During this excruciating time, I have been thinking of what my biggest fear is. What's the worst that can happen.

 

It's this: going through the next 30-40 years missing her, and trying to compare everyone and everything to her, and finding that everything and everyone just does not measure up.

 

*deep sigh*

[habs53]

Very similar situation here. She left almost 2 weeks ago and gave us no hope for our future. Im not as bad as i was already. I had to go to the doctor and get some help. The meds have calmed my thinking down. Im a little scared now of being alone. Can anybody live up to her. Im starting to think yes. I dont want to be with someone that has no feelings for me. If her feelings return there is a good chance i have moved on. Hang in there.

[just_some_guy]

Seems like a lot of pressure for a gal to live up to.

[mem11363]

Ish,

If you say that to her, or convey it in your actions this is what she will hear:

 

- I am not worthy of you, so I won't be able to find anyone else like you

- You can DEFINITELY do better then me if you look around

 

That is an almost certain way to cause a woman to walk away.

 

 

 

We're separated (future very uncertain). Problem, I'm still profoundly in love with my wife. She ... well, less so.

 

I never thought I would be in this situation. I assumed that as the other person falls out of love with you, so do you. In this case, it's not like that ... unfortunately.

 

To me, she's still the perfect match for me. In all respects. That, plus the 10-year history we have, combines to create a rich tapestry that I fear I will never have again with anyone else (hint: biggest fear: read on).

 

During this excruciating time, I have been thinking of what my biggest fear is. What's the worst that can happen.

 

It's this: going through the next 30-40 years missing her, and trying to compare everyone and everything to her, and finding that everything and everyone just does not measure up.

 

*deep sigh*

[Gunny376]

Couple of things to keep in mind?

 

First as one goes through life? They change. They're mental. emotional. physical. sexual ~ whatever change. So the person that you were attracted to and needed in your twenties is not going to necessarily be the same one that you want and need in say your forties?

 

Thus WAS (Walk-Away-Spouses), so-called MLC, (Going to finding oneself out in the wilderness) whatever.

 

People come and people go? Women come and women go? Men come and men go? But no one monkey makes a show.

 

Who you were ten years ago isn't the person that you are today, and the person that your going to be ten years isn't the person your going to be ten years from now. This is due mostly to life experiences.

 

In our twenties most of us, (women supposedly) have a better idea of what they're looking for in a mate/spouse.

 

For women that list is usually quite long ~ but as they age it gets shorter.

 

For men? They can tell you more of what their perfect car or motorcycles or whatever is than what they're looking for in a spouse.

 

What comes about after our first serious failed attempt at a LTR is that we now become aware of not only what we're looking for? But all the more what we're NOT looking for in a spouse and/or mate? Trust me! You will thereafter have a real clear pretty picture painted in your head.

 

A couple of things to keep in mind are:

 

The sooner a couple engages in sexual intimacy is proportionate to the length of the relationship. That is to say the sooner you have sex ~ the sooner you will be breaking up.

 

The next is that long term relationships (seven to eight years) have the same success rate as short term (one to two years or less). The idea length of time is about 3 to 4 years.

 

Anything more or less than that? You can pretty much write it off as lost, (there as always exceptions ~ but then again the "bell curve applies)

 

Again and again the key element in being successful in relationships are:

 

Be yourself ~ be yourself? If your shy ~ then be shy.

 

Be true to yourself, your honor system and code of ethics.

 

Constantly seek self improvement in being and becoming the best "you" that you can be! Identify your weaknesses (as identified by yourself and not the judgement of someone else) and seek self improvement)

 

Constantly seek to re defy yourself as you go through life ~ for yourself and not others.

 

Live your life for yourself and not others.

[Gunny376]

To me, she's still the perfect match for me. In all respects

Question is? Are you the perfect match for her?

[What_Next]

I do feel awful for you. I also understand your emotions. My wife and I are terribly close to the big D, but I at least have some hope. We are starting MC.

 

If I were to attempt to put myself in your shoes I would make one big realization right away, think of YOU right now.

 

Do whatever YOU need to do to heal YOU. Yes I am using the word YOU a lot in case you haven't noticed. If you think there is any hope at all in repairing your marriage, then reflect on what YOU need to do to put that into practice. I am sure you read about the 180, try it.

 

However, if you really know deep down that your marriage has ended then focus on yourself.

[2sure]

My D is final in August, we are still living together. I initiated the D, but am having the same anxiety you are...because I love him & thought we could have a very happy marriage. But we didnt.

 

Thing is, Ive been telling myself this:

 

Throughout my life, or anyone's, there is crisis, change, heartbreak, uncertainty. When in the midst of it, I have felt like I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, would never get over the angst, would always have regret.....overwhelming.

 

But you know, we all experience those things and yet here we are. We do move on, change happens and eventually we become happy & complete again...look back and say yeah - that was then, this is now.

 

Thats what I'm counting on this time too.

[ishmaiel]

Thanks to everyone

 

habs53 - I'm trying not to go the meds route. I have sleeping pills, which I'm trying not to use. It's rather ironic that the times in your life where you must be strongest, are the ones in which you are weakest.

 

what_next - I'm trying to think of ME now, but the ME in me is so mixed with HER that it's hard to disentangle everything. Whenever I think of ME, I think of her. Self-rebuilding is necessary and at this early stage it's like hammering nails in the dark.

 

2sure - Yup, I'm in the tunnel. There are many turns and I can't see the light on the other end. The tunnel ends, right?

 

Gunny376 - Well, I guess if we were *perfect* matches we wouldn't be in this situation. We kept telling ourselves that we were perfect and somewhat smug about it. Felt like we didn't need to do any work, growth, or investment in the relationship. Now, I think we're paying the price for that. We trusted too much in the myth we developed about us - that we found each other, beat the system, and avoided the mistakes of our parents. Those mistakes we avoided, sure, but started making some of our own.

[floridapad]

Ish,

If you say that to her, or convey it in your actions this is what she will hear:

 

- I am not worthy of you, so I won't be able to find anyone else like you

- You can DEFINITELY do better then me if you look around

 

That is an almost certain way to cause a woman to walk away.

 

Ish - Pay attention to this. We ALL understand what you are going through and it is VERY difficult we know. Your brain and heart gets jumbled with the loss, but if there is ANY hope at all it won't be in the self pitty route or negotiation route or bringin up fond memories with her. She WILL smell weakness. Right now the feeling of love inside of her is a bit jumbled but, ATTRACTION is something that is a here and now feeling. If you are weak in this or plead or beg or push you will be very unattractive to her. Most of us have been down that route and in 99% of the cases it makes the man look weak an unattractive. Some things to do?

 

- Tell her one last time that you love her but if this is what she wants then you respect her decision.

- DO NOT tell her you love her after this. She already knows it. The more you tell her the more needy you seem to her because she is in a different state of mind.

- DO NOT talk about the relationship. Every time you ask why to her she will find a reason. Back off from R talk unless she initiates it.

- try to stay upbeat and busy with things. DO not mope around in front of her. If you feel a sad moment coming on do not share it with her. Walk away and cry outside. (Nothig wrong with letting it out....Just not in front of her)

 

You are a man. She needs to see that. She needs to FEEL that you are fine without her. These things are very difficult since it is so counter intuitive but it can be done.

 

Lastly, Try to limit contact with her to quick and light (not heavy) conversations. Go ahead and grieve, just not in front of her.

 

Good luck with everything. Stay busy, try new things, but don't be afraid to grieve in the beginning. It's healthy.

[What_Next]

Floridapad's post is of very high value, trust in it and put it into practice. Everything he is saying is correct. It's hard, it's very hard but DO IT.

[ishmaiel]

Floridapad's post is of very high value, trust in it and put it into practice. Everything he is saying is correct. It's hard, it's very hard but DO IT.

 

Ah, ****. There is no easy option, then?

[What_Next]

Not as I see it ishmaiel. I am learning that myself as well. I am starting to treat this entire ordeal as the fight of my life. I'll win.

 

You will as well, despite sometimes feeling like a punch drunk boxer.

[marsbars]

Ish,

It is hard. Probably the hardest thing you will ever have to go through. I myself am in a very similar situation as you. My wife of 15 years and I have been separated for a month and a half. And this is the second go around of this. I don't know if you have children or not but I have one little one myself. And that to me makes it agonizing all of the time. My W was the "one" for me. If there is such a thing as a soul mate she was mine.

But things are getting easier everyday. I still have my bad days, but even those are not as devastating as they once were. I have taken the advice that I have found here to pay attention to ME. To work on myself and make myself a better person.

I will have to agree with others here to not allow yourself to appear weak to her. Pining away all the time and showing that to her will only push her away. In my last breakup with my W I did just that. And only when I sucked it up and made it known that I was my own person. That I respected her decision to leave me and file for D. That I was done fighting about stupid things, but would fight for the things that were important to me. When I reached that point her attraction to me returned. She knew how I felt about her, but also knew that it was up to her, and that I would live on without her. Things got better and we came back together for a rather perfect 3 years. Probably the best 3 of our entire marriage. But that too came to an end.

Take the advice you get here for what it is worth, and most of it is worth a lot. And remember that life does go on, you just have to adapt to the new one that you have been tossed into. I don't remember who said it but I always remember the saying " It is time to get busy living or get busy dying" You can't sit in the middle. You either live or die.

And on another note, don't think that anti-depressants are a bad thing or a sign of weakness. I myself take a small pill everyday. And it does just as advertised. It just keeps the lows from getting too deep. I still have bad days, but they are bearable, and things that used to not make me happy, when they should have, DO!

And if you are having trouble sleeping due to anxiety, get some exercise. Wear yourself out. For me the first dozen or so nights were sleepless or rife with nightmares that left me exhausted. I started to work out b4 bed and wear myself out. I still have a little trouble falling asleep but nothing like b4 I started exercising. Plus it will make you feel better mentally. I wish you the best.

Mars

[What_Next]

Ish,

I don't remember who said it but I always remember the saying " It is time to get busy living or get busy dying"

 

That is from one of my fav movies, The Shawshank redepmtion. I've used on here recently as well.

 

 

And on another note, don't think that anti-depressants are a bad thing or a sign of weakness. I myself take a small pill everyday. And it does just as advertised. It just keeps the lows from getting too deep. I still have bad days, but they are bearable, and things that used to not make me happy, when they should have, DO!

 

This has been mentioned on LS a few times and it first I was dismissive of it and still am to a degree. I have a fear of presription meds and potential addictions etc. My father became horribly addicted to meds before he passed. Are there side effects and which one should I enquire about? I think they might help me.

 

And if you are having trouble sleeping due to anxiety, get some exercise. Wear yourself out. For me the first dozen or so nights were sleepless or rife with nightmares that left me exhausted. I started to work out b4 bed and wear myself out. I still have a little trouble falling asleep but nothing like b4 I started exercising. Plus it will make you feel better mentally. I wish you the best.

Mars

 

I had this conversation with myself today. I have been largely self medicating and that must STOP! I am going to get up earler in the morning and bike riding in the evening. I might even throw in a work out of some sort. Any tips on something I can begin with no equipment whatsoever?

 

A fantastic marsbars. Ish, sorry about hijacking your thread, but it seems you and I are in very similiar situations right now. What helps one of us should help the other as well.

[marsbars]

That is from one of my fav movies, The Shawshank redepmtion. I've used on here recently as well.

 

 

 

This has been mentioned on LS a few times and it first I was dismissive of it and still am to a degree. I have a fear of presription meds and potential addictions etc. My father became horribly addicted to meds before he passed. Are there side effects and which one should I enquire about? I think they might help me.

 

 

 

I had this conversation with myself today. I have been largely self medicating and that must STOP! I am going to get up earler in the morning and bike riding in the evening. I might even throw in a work out of some sort. Any tips on something I can begin with no equipment whatsoever? "

 

A fantastic marsbars. Ish, sorry about hijacking your thread, but it seems you and I are in very similiar situations right now. What helps one of us should help the other as well.

Most of the prescription antidepressants are non habit forming as far as I know. Most have similar side effects, few of them being a real issue to worry about. About the only thing I can say is you can't just stop taking most of them. You do have to wean your brain off of them. Talk to you DR. he/she will be able to advise you. Plus a little personal counseling can do wonders with meds.

 

Well the biking will do you wonders. As far as a workout without equipment, that is a little tougher. But things such as pushups and crunches can be a good place to start. Plus a gym membership can be a pretty inexpensive thing depending on where you live. Plus there is always used weights and other goodies out there for cheap.

[ishmaiel]

I myself am in a very similar situation as you.

... My W was the "one" for me. If there is such a thing as a soul mate she was mine.

...But things are getting easier everyday.

...I will have to agree with others here to not allow yourself to appear weak to her.

...I still have a little trouble falling asleep but nothing like b4 I started exercising. Plus it will make you feel better mentally. I wish you the best.

Mars

 

Thanks for sharing your story mars. I too have found that exercise works wonders, and in fact am doing more training now that ever before. At the moment, I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been. It *is* good for the ol' self-esteem and also makes me feel like I'm investing back in myself. Things have been up in the air for us for 6 months, with living apart for now 2.5 of those months (her decision). I am starting to get a little frustrated at the lack of movement (in which ever direction). I know that I am motivated at arriving at a positive resolution. This frustration is making it easier for me to cope. This limbo-state is painful and drawn out - the accompanying frustration (turning to low-level anger) is motivating me to start making decisions for myself that I can live with. Best luck - to both of us Ish

[Steadfast]

I've taken the liberty of reading some of your other posts and find them heartfelt and sincere. There are a few of us on here that can relate very well to your place...and state of mind. I know you're aware that the heart and the brain function separately and the biggest challenge is getting your heart to 'buy into' what the brain is telling it. Love isn't logical and often times isn't planned. It also isn't something that can just be turned off.

 

You seem to grasp this fact well. That's good, because you'll need to learn how to apply the things you know as fact against the things you want.

 

Sadly, when a woman -especially women, who tend to base decisions more on emotion than reason- leaves a man, her romantic/sexual attraction for him has been gone for some time. Very rarely does this occur with no outside stimulus. The odds are your wife has either met someone else, or wants to. I see that you've avoided this topic in your messages and (if I may assume) it's something that you're not keen on dealing with. Please understand that I am not suggesting this as fact, but be aware that an overwhelming number of divorces are based on some type of infidelity. There is a pattern, and it's played out repeatedly.

 

People and circumstances are different, but human nature is predictable.

 

Addressing what you're up against now, it's a safe assumption that if your wife is indecisive and keeping you in limbo, she's not really thrilled with her options. This is very selfish and cruel to the person forced to wait and wonder, so it's advisable you move things ahead by getting the facts. The first thing is to ask her directly, followed by your decision as to whether you believe her or not. Even if she denies it, some investigation work should be done to determine if your wife is being truthful. If she admits to an affair/relationship, at least you'll have some clarity.

 

Find out where she is and expose it. It's what's behind the limbo you need to be concerned with now. No one should be held emotionally hostage.