WTRanger Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 The only thing you have to watch out for is the "I gave up my cats for you" resentment that could build and come out in a minor (non-related) argument that explodes into a major argument. I become weary when people give up long term things for someone else. You have to watch out if they are putting that ace up their sleeve. At the same time, on the other side of the coin, it's got to be a hard decision if you meet someone that has pet allergies and you have pets. What do you decide? Give up something you love, or give up something you love?
spookie Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 The only thing you have to watch out for is the "I gave up my cats for you" resentment that could build and come out in a minor (non-related) argument that explodes into a major argument. I become weary when people give up long term things for someone else. You have to watch out if they are putting that ace up their sleeve. At the same time, on the other side of the coin, it's got to be a hard decision if you meet someone that has pet allergies and you have pets. What do you decide? Give up something you love, or give up something you love? He doesn't have to give HER up tho, they can continue dating without her moving in so soon. Besides if one of the cats is still around, how is that going to eliminate her allergies?
Lakeside_runner Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 WTF? She has a dog - he has cats. They want to move in together (not saying if it's too soon or not). Do two PEOPLE have to wait until some of the PETS pass away so they can be together?
aerogurl87 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 His cats I'm sure destroy more in property damage than their worth. I'm sorry, but if either my dog or my puppy did that, as much as I love them they'd be out the door. Is 6 months too soon to be moving in? Not really in my opinion. People get engaged after dating for like a year lots of times, and nowadays most people want to live together before getting married and sometimes engaged, so what's the issue? Will it kill the honeymoon period quicker? Maybe, but they're two adults I'm pretty sure they can decide if 6 months is too short for a decision like this. With that said, as I said before I'm happy for you Crazy Magnet and I wish you the best.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 Oh geez. I took a hiatus from my thread and it went on without me so I guess I'll have to catch up! Ok, the cats. He's not parting with his cats on a whim. We will not give the cats up to just anyone. Trust me, it's killing him to give up the cats. I'm surprised that he's doing it for me as the cats were a huge problem in his last relationship, that lasted three years, and he never even came close to getting rid of the cats. She was also extremely allergic to cats, but he would never even consider it for her. Yes, I'm very aware of "I gave my cats away for you" resentment. We have lots of open dialogue about the whole thing because of this. My thought: He's 35, he knows what he wants. He wants me and that requires some type of solution with the cats. There comes a point when the cost of a pet outweighs actually keeping the pet and I believe he's there. The renovations we are having to do to fix the cat damage are well over $20,000 at this point. It's time to look for an alternative for the cats. If we fix everything and keep them we are looking at the same cost for repairs a few years down the road when we go to sell the place. The cat decision wasn't made lightly. Regardless if it takes place now or a year from now, the cats will still have to go. The house is so bad that I can't even go there. So we keep the cats and date for another year and I can still never go there? If someone asked me to give up my dog I'd throw the biggest fit you've ever seen. I am fully aware of how much he's having to sacrifice here. I don't want him to give up the kitties for no reason as I would not be willing to do that myself. I did have to give up my dog several years ago. She was a rescue from a puppy mill and although she came a long way in two years, she still destroyed every single thing I owned. I had to realize that I was not the best home for her and find a more suitable owner. It's the same type of thing here I think. We need a family in the country with a big outside playground far away from traffic for the two cats. Moving in together, also a big decision. My lease is up at the end of July. Our options are 1. wait an entire year 2. do it because we are both at an age and have enough experience to know when "it" lands in our lap. We discussed getting married eventually quite extensively. We would like to get married before my next lease would be up. If I had only lived with my exH I would never have married that cheating asshat in the first place. For me, it makes sense to go ahead and take the plunge. The worst that happens is it doesn't work out. So what? What have I lost by loving this man? I realize after my divorce that the end of a relationship does not signal the end of the world. I am strong enough to go on. Not that I think this relationship will end that way. I 100% believe that he wants to marry me and I know I want to marry him. I also realize that many people on LS live on the cautious side, but frankly, that's hasn't gotten me too far. My grandparents got married within 6 months of meeting and are married 67 years later. My parents got married within 10 months of meeting and stayed together until my mother died nearly 30 years later. I guess it depends on what examples you have in your life on what looks too fast and not too fast. I knew my exH for 15 years before we got married we all see how that turned out. We had dated for more than 3 years. I honestly believe that when you know, you just know. Lord I hope all that makes sense. Too much wine tonight. lol I love firefox and spell check. And I realize that a lot of things don't come across right in typing since it takes forever to type everything out.
make me believe Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Now, the whole issues of the cats....I know cats, I own a cat, have raised her for 7 years since she was a baby....I know cats have their own unique personalities and such...but they aren't destructive unless they are neglected or mistreated. The fact that he hasn't even tried to solve their destructiveness tells me he doesn't really care much about the kitties. Again, that worries me. I agree with everything you posted, but this part really stood out to me. I have three cats myself and know that cats aren't just "destructive" for no reason. How could he let them tear up his house for twelve years without thinking something was wrong? The idea of that honestly boggles me. Cats being that destructive is a HUGE HUGE warning sign that they are either ill, neglected, or being mistreated in some other way. I mean, really, they caused $20k worth of damage and he never thought to solve the problem until now? And his solution is to get rid of them?? That just doesn't seem right to me. Anyway, Crazy Magnet, I read your other threads about this guy and honestly I think they are a lot of red flags besides the things that have been raised in this thread. You two are in your 30s and have relationship experience behind you, so I don't think six months is too soon to know this is the person you want to marry. But have all of the other issues you posted about been solved? His ex-gfs? It doesn't sit well with me that you've had issues with THREE of his ex's in the short time you've been together. I honestly believe that when you know, you just know. I agree with you about this! And I wish you well, but I hope you're not getting too wrapped up in the idea that he's "the one" and ignoring warning signs.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 (edited) But have all of the other issues you posted about been solved? His ex-gfs? It doesn't sit well with me that you've had issues with THREE of his ex's in the short time you've been together. Yep solved. They are a complete non issue now. We communicated and talked about it and reached a conclusion. I think the convo went something like Me: Do you think these behaviors are ok for a married man? Him: No, but I'm not married right now. Me: So you expect me to believe you're going to do this up until the day we get married and then cut it off because we said some vows? Him: I never thought about it. Me: Well think about it because I'm going to base our future together on what I see, not on what you tell me is going to happen. I gave him a few days to think and apparently he decided to think it was time to move on from the ex's. One of them was pulling out some bat poop crazy crap by then anyway trying to get his attention, so I think he saw my point. To me a red flag is when I see an issue, bring the issue up, and the issue doesn't get resolved because the guy doesn't think it's important and brushes me off. This man has always been willing to talk to me about any issue I have(the only issue has been those ex's!), has never swept it under the rug, and has always worked on and come up with a solution to the problem. Oh, and the ripping up the house for 12 years: I think the problem just snowballed on him. He had two cats, which is normal, and they were just doing normal cat clawing stuff. Then someone dumped some strays on him and he couldn't turn them away and it went downhill from there. Then he had a roommate with another cat or 2 at one point too. Over the years if one doesn't keep up with cat damage as it goes it will in fact cost that much to repair. We've got to replace all the furniture, rip up all the flooring in the house thanks to cat pee (about 1900 sq feet worth of flooring is expensive! and he's already replaced the flooring once), repaint everything, replace all the blinds and curtains, redo the kitchen b/c the kitties liked to pick the Formica off the side of the counter tops and they decided they liked to scratch on a cabinet, the second story deck that runs along the side of the house has been used as a scratching post and will have to be rebuilt. Cats are indeed that destructive when you have so many of them with claws. One cat, sure, no problem, especially if it's inside/outside. But to have that many cats inside for so long is going to wrack up a lot of damage. By the time we get all that done it will cost us around $20,000 for materials and labor. I personally don't want to fork over that much money only to have to do it again in a few years when we sell. Edited June 12, 2010 by Crazy Magnet more on the cat house
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