Is there ever a time limit for infidelity?

[shelley04]

If your WS cheated years ago and you're still bringing it on even after you decided for what ever reason to work it out and he/she expressed remorse isn't that wrong? Or is it still justifiable?

 

I will speak of this married couple's situation. I'm very friends with both the wife and husband. They have been married for 7 years now (since March 27 2003 to be exact) and have 2 children, the oldest one is 4 years old and the younger will be turning 1 next month from now.

However, way back during their 1st year of being exclusive he cheated on his then girlfriend with an ex friend of hers. This was way back in 1999. She literally caught him with her friend on his house, he expressed remorse many times, they both went to counseling and that was that. I don't know why she took him back but 4 years later slip by (with the rebuilding process) and they were married.

 

The issue my friend is having is the wife will bring his past infidelity whenever she gets drunk. I witnessed this on one occasion and she flew into a while rage (while intoxicated) mentioning about that day she caught him with her friend. In addition my friend told me that one two occasions she has punched him and thrown plates on the floor.

 

She doesn't act like that when sober and tends to regret it right away but my friend is on the verge of leaving her as he's getting fed up with it.

 

So people is it excusable for her to react this way over that dramatic scene years ago (she only does it while under the influence)? Though he's been an excellent husband and father and apparently learn his lesson long ago.

 

She's gotten into this terrible habit even since shorty after their second child was born.

Edited June 10, 2010 by shelley04

[shelley04]

If you were that woman and decided (like her) to stay with him, years later get married and have kids would you still rub it in his face?

IMO I think she's ruining the marriage. As for the punching him and throwing dishes, is that ever acceptable for a woman to do (over a past infidelity)?

 

Or should she continue being angry at him (while drunk) even if he's been a great husband, has two wonderful kids and hasn't cheated ever since?

Edited June 10, 2010 by shelley04

[ADF]

Any time you decide to forgive a person some wrong they have done you--be it infidelity or anything else--you impose an obligation on yourself to let it go at some point. That's what forgiveness means. Forgiveness does not mean you keep it forever in your back pocket, ready to pull out and throw in that person face whenever you get angry.

 

Frankly, that's why I'd never forgive a cheater. I just couldn't let go.

[Scrybe]

IMHO -I don't think the behavior is justifiable if

A. WS is remorseful

B. They've both agreed to reconcile and put it behind them.

C. The WS hasn't done anything to arouse suspicion. Has done the "work" (e.g. Marriage Counseling, etc.)

 

Having said that it won't matter what he does if she hasn't gotten over it and remains unresolved. If I were in his shoes I'd think about leaving too.

[shelley04]

Any time you decide to forgive a person some wrong they have done you--be it infidelity or anything else--you impose an obligation on yourself to let it go at some point. That's what forgiveness means. Forgiveness does not mean you keep it forever in your back pocket, ready to pull out and throw in that person face whenever you get angry.

 

Frankly, that's why I'd never forgive a cheater. I just couldn't let go.

I have similar views to you in regards to cheating. I still don't understand why did she still married him if she hasn't worked this out by now? It's been 11 years since the cheating incidence and if it's already been long discussed then isn't a bit too late by now?

 

It's strange that she didn't displayed those drunken rages during their reconciling stage years ago. Like I stated, it only recently began after the birth of the 2nd child.

So I'm led to believe that during all those years she had bottled it all up until she couldn't take it any longer?

[Disintegration]

It's obvious she still hasn't gotten over what he did in the past. For some, they will never forget or get over it. I can understand that would take a toll on the marriage. Maybe they need help for this particular problem. She's still lashing out and reacting to something he that he did so long ago.

 

They need to find a resolution before he leaves or they continue to live the rest of their lives like this which isn't healthy for either one of them. I hope it all works out in the end.

[Spark1111]

She obviously hasn't done enough work, or good enough work with a counselor.

 

Time for a tune up for both of them.Yep, IC and MC.

 

Unfortunately, feelings do not go away when stuffed down and surpressed.

 

They are simply stuffed down and surpressed, until alcohol, the great disinhibitor, can bring them bubbling up to the surface once again.

 

She obviously has some unresolved issues that they both need to address if they want to save the marriage. Maybe it isn't even the affair with the friend from years ago in her bed. (I mean OUCH!)

 

Maybe it's the stress of baby #2; maybe he's less attentive; maybe sex and communication are waning.

 

But it is time to re-visit the marriage with a good counselor.

 

And hey look, as a fBS I say cut her some slack.

 

I've met people in their 80s who have buried a spouse and still well up with tears that it was a perfect relationship BUT he had cheated on her 50 years ago.

 

You think that pain goes away. Naaaah...I don't think so.

 

If he loves her, he has to work through it with her. She's angry, and it may not have anything to do with the affair; that just might be the easiest thing to express when drunk.

[shelley04]

She obviously hasn't done enough work, or good enough work with a counselor.

 

Time for a tune up for both of them.Yep, IC and MC.

I second that and hopefully they work it out again.

Unfortunately, feelings do not go away when stuffed down and surpressed.

 

They are simply stuffed down and surpressed, until alcohol, the great disinhibitor, can bring them bubbling up to the surface once again.

This brings me all the way back when I graduated. In my drunken state of mind, I blurted out all things of insults to this nasty girl I never liked. The only reason I acted nice was because it was my cousin's girlfriend but many others couldn't stand her gossipy and arrogant nature. Needless to say we end up getting into a cat fight. Fortunately my cousin dumped her later on as she turned out to be a cheating tramp.

She obviously has some unresolved issues that they both need to address if they want to save the marriage. Maybe it isn't even the affair with the friend from years ago in her bed. (I mean OUCH!)

Actually it was in his bed he got caught years ago but yes OUCH (I can't imagine getting intimate with that person again).Though you're correct it doesn't make sense how that can be the main issue now.

Maybe it's the stress of baby #2; maybe he's less attentive; maybe sex and communication are waning.

 

But it is time to re-visit the marriage with a good counselor.

I have often heard how pregnancy can change a woman's state of mind and it's sometimes followed by postpartum depression (hopefully this isn't the case). I want to have a kid one day but I'm scare at the same time. The later can be another issue too as a kid takes any couple's intimacy and space so it must be stressing.

And hey look, as a fBS I say cut her some slack.

 

I've met people in their 80s who have buried a spouse and still well up with tears that it was a perfect relationship BUT he had cheated on her 50 years ago.

 

You think that pain goes away. Naaaah...I don't think so.

I'm a BS too and unlike the woman in the story I dumped my ex immediately. Though it didn't involve sex but only because the woman stopped him, I knew there was no trust anymore. IMO when there's no trust there is no relationship. I would rather meet someone new I'm yet to know then stay with the same man I can't trust. From the point it's like I felt nothing for that man anymore. I went from loving to complete indifference and to my surprise didn't even shed a tear.

If he loves her, he has to work through it with her. She's angry, and it may not have anything to do with the affair; that just might be the easiest thing to express when drunk.

I always tend to agree you can't love someone if you cheat on them but in this case, I believe he does loves her else he wouldn't have done all that work for nothing.