BlueDanube Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 My Fiancee (we marry in 6 months and I've known her 2 years) maintains a 'friendship' with an elderly, unhappily married male (he 70, her 50) which has me wondering about overfamilairity. He fawns around her, doing jobs for her, e-mailing, phone calls and so on. A typical e-mail (which she showed me unintentionally) might go ' Hi [pet name], you naughty girl not calling me - when'X' (me) has gone I hope you can call me as I've missed seeing and chatting to you. Lot's of love [pet name] xxx'. In addition to such exchanges, he never asks about me or she and I and has also always put off meeting me which doesn't seem appropriate from a friend. My view of this is that I don't feel particularly threatened and I actually tolerate the friendship (he's an old friend of her family and I trust my Fiancee) but his language and manner just niggle me. Not because he's a threat (at 70 and unwell he isn't) but it feels like I have to accept this 'emotional affair-like' behaviour because of his age/health (i.e. it has to be harmless because he's 70). She says he's just a friend and appears not to detect the (to me) obvious sexual, flirtatious overtones of his calls. e-mails etc. It feels like an unhappily married elderly man indulging himself with a younger woman. Remove the age factor and it doesn't look appropriate. Would I be happy with all I read, listened to when they converse?. Probably not from his direction. Should I be niggled by this (am I over-reacting) and, if it seems a little overfamiliar to you, what should I do?. Appreciate this is fairly mild compared to some problems but it remains a running sore for me.
Ocktus Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 You mention health issues with the guy, do you actually know or do you just assume due to his age? You can't really know whether the guy's jurassic plumbing works or not unless he is some cripple in a wheelchair. Anyway, the dynamics are different due to the age bracket and the elder gentleman's possible health issues. In other words it could be just harmless flirting for kicks or then something more serious. It would be easier for you to tell if you'd see some of her e-mail replies to her. I know I didn't even really attempt at any solution, but that's because at my age of 21 I don't think it's my place to advice you golden agers.
Author BlueDanube Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 At 21 those are some pretty astute points Ocktus. On the health front, I've never met him so only know what she has told me...if correct he's in a pretty serious way. The dynamics issue is what complicates this - if he were healthy and younger it would look (and I would view it as) a lot more serious. Is it innappropriate flirting with an engaged woman - I would say so but do I press it with her given his situation. For her part, the replies I've seen (and I haven't seen many) are affectionate but not flirtatious...indeed, it's what makes his stand out from hers so to speak. In some ways the solution is simple - He simply needs to tone down the rhetoric, behave as a friend and there is no problem. As for advice to we of the older fraternity...well, they say wisdom comes with age but not, alas, in everything.
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