leftyright1 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 been dating a girl for 1.5 years. we both love each other. she recently got a great job offer in another city that is 3 hours away. she is also potentially going to get a job 1.5 hours away but no offer yet. i could move w/ her (we don't live together now) but its not ideal and may impact my career negatively. she wants us to plan together what she will do and expects me to be sacrifice a little to make it work to be with her and since I can still keep my job and move, that it makes sense. i feel hesitant about moving in w/ her in another city - i would have no friends there, need to work from home when i prefer having an office... but i do love her, potentially see a future together and want to keep dating her. am i selfish for wanting to keep dating w/ out making this sacrifice? she says she'd do the same for me and since her job offer is a 3 yr position, we could always move back later. this just seems so HARD... shes not hearing what she wants and I don't really have a compromise so we are becoming distant. i feel broken up inside but just wonder - if its this hard - is it really meant to be? if i'm not willing to commit and move after 1.5 yrs, should we both just be moving on and aving the heartache -- or will i regret not giving us a full chance by moving in? thanks
quankanne Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 any time you get another party involved, there's gonna be some degree of sacrifice if you want things to work out as best they can. Not to say that it's all you or all the other person, but figuring out what compromise works best for the relationship in terms of location, etc. I totally understand being hesitant about moving someplace where you'd be absolutely friendless except for your girlfriend. Yet, if you're seriously considering a future with this chick, you're gonna have to look at that option. Or maybe move someplace closer to her ... though you'd still be in the same position, not knowing anyone there. maybe the smart thing to suggest is to wait at least 6 months to see how she settles into this new position before you move up there. That way she has a better idea of how much she actually likes the new job/new location before asking you to fully commit to moving. Between now and then, you'll have time to warm up to the idea of possibly moving to be with her, or maybe even deciding that she's just not worth changing your lifestyle for.
stace79 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 been dating a girl for 1.5 years. we both love each other. she recently got a great job offer in another city that is 3 hours away. she is also potentially going to get a job 1.5 hours away but no offer yet. i could move w/ her (we don't live together now) but its not ideal and may impact my career negatively. she wants us to plan together what she will do and expects me to be sacrifice a little to make it work to be with her and since I can still keep my job and move, that it makes sense. i feel hesitant about moving in w/ her in another city - i would have no friends there, need to work from home when i prefer having an office... but i do love her, potentially see a future together and want to keep dating her. am i selfish for wanting to keep dating w/ out making this sacrifice? she says she'd do the same for me and since her job offer is a 3 yr position, we could always move back later. this just seems so HARD... shes not hearing what she wants and I don't really have a compromise so we are becoming distant. i feel broken up inside but just wonder - if its this hard - is it really meant to be? if i'm not willing to commit and move after 1.5 yrs, should we both just be moving on and aving the heartache -- or will i regret not giving us a full chance by moving in? thanks 1. Yes, relationships are always hard work. 2. If you don't want to move, don't move. You cannot worry about "if" you will regret it later on. Right now, you don't want to, thus you shouldn't do it. 3. Yes, you should both move on. If, after 1.5 years, you aren't sure you want to be with her and move with her and sacrifice for her, then she probably isn't the best match for you.
Els Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Sadly, life, with all its elements, obligations, and aspects, has never provided an easy environment for relationships to thrive in. On the other hand, 3 hours is nothing. Really. Unless you both have 80 hour weeks or something, you could see each other every weekend and focus on career and friends on weekdays. Sounds peachy to me.
Author leftyright1 Posted June 13, 2010 Author Posted June 13, 2010 it doesn't seem like she is looking at long distance as an option -- mostly b/c i think she wants to know from me NOW that i cam willing to commit to her and do this w/ her as a unit. Shes made it very clear that WE should be deciding whats best for us. I feel awkward about this but I wonder if its just b/c I've never taken that step w/ anyone before - even though I'm 33. I sometimes think it would be good to full commit to this, that it would be a great experience, and that we would find out if we work. Then the next day I focus on the doubts about whether she is the one for me for marriage, the downsides to the move and all the bad things that might come of it. Its so hard to communicate all this to her but I'm trying my best... but I feel like she's becoming frustrated and impatient. I feel veyr much like a failure about this right now.
Author leftyright1 Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 anyone have any other thoughts by chance? am i asking for too much by asking her to move first and then I look to follow her after a few months? I think she simply feels I should be willing to sacrifice those things now - particulary b/c i can still keep my job. I've learned my reluctance also stems from my age (33) and my longer term desire to be close to home in settling down, not farther away - which this move would be for me. I also fear that losing my job in this new city might be rougher for me as I would need to find something in this city, which again I don't want to live in for more than 3 years (at least this is what i think right now)
Ruby Slippers Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 anyone have any other thoughts by chance? am i asking for too much by asking her to move first and then I look to follow her after a few months? No, you're not asking for too much. This is a huge change, and you're smart to approach it carefully. I think she simply feels I should be willing to sacrifice those things now - particulary b/c i can still keep my job. That's not loving of her -- it's self-serving. In my mid-20s, my boyfriend in the States moved with me to Europe. But I never put any pressure on him to go. This was a much bigger move, but he ended up being unhappy there, and we broke up while living abroad. I've learned my reluctance also stems from my age (33) and my longer term desire to be close to home in settling down, not farther away - which this move would be for me. It's good that you know what you want. I'm a writer, and I interviewed this couple last night who just celebrated their 35th anniversary. I asked them how they've kept their marriage strong for so long, and they said that in every decision, you have to put the marriage, the relationship, above yourselves. I commented that this kind of thinking is obviously much rarer these days. Something to consider is that she is putting herself and her career above the relationship, while asking you to put the relationship above yourself. That's a red flag, as I see it. I also fear that losing my job in this new city might be rougher for me as I would need to find something in this city, which again I don't want to live in for more than 3 years (at least this is what i think right now) Also smart. I moved to a guy before, and work prospects were terrible for me in that city. I took a heavy financial hit during that relationship. Of course, I only have what you're telling us to go by, but it sounds like it would be a bad move. You don't sound excited about it -- just cautious and tinged with hesitation and dread.
Author leftyright1 Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 I'm leaning towards looking past some of my hang ups w/ her and taking the big risk, moving up there and moving in. I have reservations about whether we are meant to me long term but if I don't try this now, then I'm losing her forever and will never know. I really do love her and I don't want to take that lightly. The timing of all this just kind of sucks. i have a really hard time w/ decisions (big surprise from my post?) I hate this quality about myself but have been working on it. It seems hard to think of us as "we" but i've never tried b/f so likely going to see how it fits. she knows i have reservations but still wants me w/ her to see how it works out. i feel like she is being supportive -- or is she deep down going to resent me? there it goes again... back and forth!!! how come I can't see past a year or does everyone just take a blind leap at some point!?<!>
Author leftyright1 Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 so she pushed me for an answer and i honestly didn't have one and leaned towards not moving based on my hang ups. she signaled this as i was not moving and the result is we broke up. it really wasn't so much me breaking up with her as her not wanting to be in limbo anymore about whether i was willing to move for her. i guess this needs to get moved to the break up thread. i thought i might feel relieved but instead feel like a failure for not being able to give her a full decision, just where I was leaning. its not fair to her to keep her hanging on but i just think this doesn't feel like it should.
Spiffy577 Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 This is probably not going to help much but... I have been married for almost four years and our relationship is really easy (and we are both extremely happy, in case you were thinking...). Luckily, my wife and I are very much in touch with each other and that is what makes it easy. I do have to say that we have known each other throughout high-school though. (and I am 33 now.) I know it doesn't help. I just wanted to say that not all relationships are hard.
Viking Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 It honestly doesn't sound like she really wanted to take into consideration anything that affected you, just whatever might affect her. The pushiness doesn't show any real desire to work alongside of you and try to work past any potential problems you may have. Also, what if you move with her and you never find a job? What if her's doesn't last? Did she really even consider any of your concerns when making this decision? She really didn't want you for much else other than perhaps a roommate who she knows. You probably are better off without someone who doesn't take any of their partner's concerns into mind when making such a giant leap and risky move. It sucks that she broke up with you over this. You were right to approach it in a cautious way as she obviously wasn't looking out for you and the relationship-just herself. Maybe she will realize how selfish she is/was and when she realizes that she's all alone and moving to an entirely new city, she'll reconsider where you stand in her life. Especially after 1.5 years together.
make me believe Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 its not fair to her to keep her hanging on but i just think this doesn't feel like it should. Taking your time to consider the pros & cons of such a huge decision is not the same as keeping her hanging. What wasn't fair was her pressure and her refusal to compromise or see things from your point of view. In a healthy, loving relationship, one partner would not make such demands of another. This situation is probably just a symptom of a much larger problem or flaw in her character. She sounds selfish & not willing to be part of a "team" in a relationship.
Author leftyright1 Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 She did consider where she'd apply to jobs and what my preferences were. I have a lot of issues with change which were causing me extreme amounts of stress during this decision process. I thought this was maybe all it was - I was just resisting change again. But then I started to think over and over - you'll just want to move back b/c you guys are not meant for each other forever. Its a biting and stinging message to receive in your gut. I want us to be forever but for whatever reason at this time and this moment, I couldn't say she was. And I think not knowing that was going to eat us alive throughout the move process and when living together. Not fair to her or to me. It just SUCKS right now since I really thought i could get past this and TRY to live w/ her. I just don't fully think its fair to go in half ass.
I'm Batman Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I know it's too late, but here's a suggestion (maybe something you might not consider)...my cousin dated one of my friends about the same amount of time as the OP. She's a good looking girl who just got into residency 4 hours away from home. Her boyfriend knew of the consequences if she moved away, she'll be at the hospital working at weird hours of the day surrounded by other youthful doctors that make a earnest living. So he made the biggest commitment of his life by asking her to marry him. Once they got married, did the honeymoon, a week later she moved. He's committed to meet her every weekend and try to move an office closer to her in the next year, good on his part. Nobody said dating was easy and certainly marriage isn't easier but it takes two to tango with good communication and trust. Again, this depends on your age, are you looking for "the one" or are you willing on moving on?
Crazy Magnet Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 A lot of people are saying this girl is pushy and selfish, but we have no idea how long he left her hanging without any type of decision. If it was a few days, then yes, she's out of line. If the OP was lingering on for many weeks or months then she sounds pretty level headed to me and tired of the BS. I would not hesitate to follow my BF to the ends of the earth. That's how sure I am about him and how easy our relationship is. Even with renovating his entire house, when a lot of couples really have a rough time, we aren't fighting at all because we are constantly in open communication with each other about things that are causing stress. I think if you are so unsure about her and your future the right thing was to break up. Now you have new insights for when you start dating again. Look for a girl who never has any intention of moving away from where you currently live. When the right girl comes along you won't hesitate to take a leap of faith because the thought of life without her will be unbearable.
Author leftyright1 Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 i did have 2 weeks. I don't view her as selfish or pushy. i hate myself right now. i hate the fact that i feel like i've lost someone great and perhaps i just couldnt see it. its my issue all the time. i need to overcome it somehow so my life is not an endless stream of these issues. maybe she wasnt for me, maybe she was. i want to make a final plea to her but then wonder where my crazy brain will be in another month and resist so I don't send her into another frenzy. i think i'm starting to lose it and really am really, really sad about it. sorry to sound so whiny. i just don't know what to do.
LivingInMomsBasement Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Some are harder than others but they all require work and compromise. I moved 2500 miles to live with a man I was not living with in our home town. I discovered after about 2 years that the only thing we had in common were the friends we shared. The relationship did not last. Hopefully you can determine if the friends are that big of a deal....and maybe you have a far better connection beyond friends
Author leftyright1 Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 so i'm back to being in limbo. my girlfriend does not want to break up and said we could put things on hold for a little - that she was pressuring me a little - but then yesterday it was the same scene of her crying and not understanding why i just wasnt' willing to pick up and move for her. i go back and forth in my head so much that its threatening my mental stability i think. i simply can't make a decision. i love her and miss her when not with her but i don't feel like i can't live without her. i would be sad but could probably end up dating others. i fear regretting it down the line... when it could be i had everything w/ her but i was too blind to see it. i fear change so part of me says its just me resisting change and that i should do it... but then those instinctual thoughts creep in saying... you know this just isn't right. its like a war going on in my head. i'm numbed by the pain. i've reached out for professional help but its not much help when she needs to know by this weekend. plus her birthday is this week coming up. i feel so crappy. i wish i could figure this out.
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Can't you just communicate to her exactly what you tell us? Honesty will at least have her knowing this is "cutting you up". You have to TELL your partner you fear regretting this decision later and it is making you feel crappy, the timing, the way things are "in limbo". You dont like it but you can't be 100% sure and commit. I would ask again about the few month trial - waiting a few months to see if you both can't live without each other. If you regret it even then it wont be too late to move then. Could be an option. Talk with her, and don't stop.
Author leftyright1 Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 yes, she knows i am cut up about it. but its cutting her up too and i hate myself for doing that to her. she won't accept uncertainty for a few months. she doesn't want to feel like its a trial period for us to see whether i want to move there. she seems like shed be ok w/ doing LDR for a while as long as she gets a firm comittment from me right now that I will def be moving there, which is why this decision has so much pressure tied to it. its basically an ultimatum that i move or we both need to move on. she says she simply can't move there being sad and devastated and wants time to heal b/f starting her new job in a new place.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 I think you're doing the right thing. I think it's pretty clear from some things you've said here that you aren't really committed to this relationship for the long run, and neither is she. And that's fine. Now let it go, as gracefully as you can. You had some good times together. Not too shabby.
Ilovehim Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 wow..your post is so interesting b/c (hopefully not) but there is a chance that i could be in the same situation as you..I also wondered-would I be able to live in another city from my family and from what Im used to? You have to weigh out your options. What are the good/bad aspects of each situation? How much would you leave behind? What would you gain? What are you risking? if things go sour, can you STILL come back to your old city & old job? Think it through.
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