Ellin Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I remember reading somewhere that if a MM/MW who's having an affair is really willing to leave their spouse in order to have a normal relationship with the OW/OM, they will normally do it within the first year. If that does not happen during this time, it is unlikely to ever happen. What do you think?
2sure Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 From reading on LS I get the impression that if a MM involved in an affair is going to leave his wife - it is done pretty quickly. The former OW on here who ended up with MM did not wait long for him to make a decision. An exit affair is just that. The exit was already on its way with or without the affair. I'd think 6 months to a year. After that, any talk of an exit is just blowing smoke.
Mimolicious Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I beg to differ. My exH didn't leave within a year. Took him more than 6yrs having an A, then he left. Then again the situation was very complicated and I can probably say, one of a kind. I want to say he perhaps had planned it out to one day leave, he was just a pure bitch to make the jump. Who knows... I was just answering your question. Anything can happen, it's not so cookie-cutter at times.
Author Ellin Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Thank you for your replies. It was some kind of real life study, apparently. It claimed that most of those who really want to end their current relationship when they meet someone new, do so within a year. Not all, just most. Every individual case is different, of course.
Confused4Now Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 (edited) I beg to differ. My exH didn't leave within a year. Took him more than 6yrs having an A, then he left. Then again the situation was very complicated and I can probably say, one of a kind. I want to say he perhaps had planned it out to one day leave, he was just a pure bitch to make the jump. Who knows... I was just answering your question. Anything can happen, it's not so cookie-cutter at times.For me it was exactly almost 2 years to the day when I left my house and started my divorce. However I did not leave for my MW. It was pretty much a exit affair and my MW is still married and living with her H still. But then again she's not really my MW anymore ...more like XMW. So you can say I was cake eating for about 2 years....HEEHEEE Edited June 10, 2010 by Confused4Now
TinaniT Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 It seems logical, anyhow. There are, of course, no absolutes in this world (as much as some seem to want to spout things as if there were), but it seems in general if a man were to really want to leave and was in love with someone else and wanted what was best for this other person, he would do it sooner rather than later. This is entirely from a rational perspective, of course.
ADF Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 As someone who works in a family law ofice, I can tell you with some authority that MM and MW very seldom leave their spouses for the OW/OM. It happens, but it is pretty rare. I don't think even 1 out every 10 divorce cases we get works out that way. In the end, the overhwlming majority of married cheaters end up dumping the OM/OW and staying with their spouse. And not because they necessarily care more for the spouse. It is just that staying married is SO much easier. If a MM or MW decided to leave their spouse fgor their OW/OM, they'd need to divorce. Divorce can be a long, brutal process that leaves both parties shattered emotionally and financially. Getting divorced is risky. Dumping the OW/OM is easy, so that's what the majority of people do.
bentnotbroken Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 It seems logical, anyhow. There are, of course, no absolutes in this world (as much as some seem to want to spout things as if there were), but it seems in general if a man were to really want to leave and was in love with someone else and wanted what was best for this other person, he would do it sooner rather than later. This is entirely from a rational perspective, of course. 1) Absolute- each person can choose how one conducts their life. Respect is always a choice. 2)Absolute-the mess one places in other's lives is coming back to them in some shape or form. 3)Absolute-leading your life in a way that hurts others is not only wrong, but in some cases costs lives. 4)Absolute- Affairs hurt people.
Confused4Now Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 1) Absolute- each person can choose how one conducts their life. Respect is always a choice. 2)Absolute-the mess one places in other's lives is coming back to them in some shape or form. 3)Absolute-leading your life in a way that hurts others is not only wrong, but in some cases costs lives. 4)Absolute- Affairs hurt people. Absolute - Bentnotbroken right on as always!!!
lilbunny Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I suppose a study can give you a statistically likely outcome, but lets face it human beings rarely behave in predictable ways. I think applying your knowledge of the individual is probably more helpful. A rather common theme in posts seems to be generalising about the behaviour of broad social groups, but the I am an absolute individualist and interpretavist, I would say that!
Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Thank you for your replies. It was some kind of real life study, apparently. It claimed that most of those who really want to end their current relationship when they meet someone new, do so within a year. Not all, just most. Every individual case is different, of course. I suppose, in theory, this makes sense. Plenty of unattached folks meet and move in or get engaged within a 12 month period. So it's not unreasonable to think that if the split IS going to happen, that it happens sooner rather than the precedent being well and truly bedded in. After all, if it's worked for 2 years, why not 22? I suppose a lot of affairs are Exit affairs or get found out and D-day occurs, so it does seem a reasonable stat to me, as a benchmark, not a prescription.
Fieldsofgold Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I have read two independent studies recently that both said less than 1% of married people ever leave their marriage for their AP.
fooled once Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Absolute - Bentnotbroken right on as always!!! Totally agree! Bent is one of the most well versed, intelligent, caring, faithful woman I have ever had the pleasure of 'meeting' I suppose, in theory, this makes sense. Plenty of unattached folks meet and move in or get engaged within a 12 month period. So it's not unreasonable to think that if the split IS going to happen, that it happens sooner rather than the precedent being well and truly bedded in. After all, if it's worked for 2 years, why not 22? I suppose a lot of affairs are Exit affairs or get found out and D-day occurs, so it does seem a reasonable stat to me, as a benchmark, not a prescription. For ME: 1st marriage -- Married after dating 1.5 years - got engaged after dating 8 months, married 10 months later. Stayed married 10 years. 2nd marriage -- met in July, engaged in January, married in April Been married 12+ years and counting!!! I think age, maturity and level of commitment are the major determining factors in relationships ... obviously LOL I don't think you can put a time limit on it, but in MY thoughts, the longer the affair goes on, the less likely the cheater will divorce.
bentnotbroken Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Absolute - Bentnotbroken right on as always!!! fooled once=Totally agree! Bent is one of the most well versed, intelligent, caring, faithful woman I have ever had the pleasure of 'meeting' Thank you both. I know nothing, I am nothing without the Lord leading the way. I pray what I say makes sense to someone.
OWoman Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I remember reading somewhere that if a MM/MW who's having an affair is really willing to leave their spouse in order to have a normal relationship with the OW/OM, they will normally do it within the first year. If that does not happen during this time, it is unlikely to ever happen. What do you think? For those of us who are now M to our fMMs, this wasn't how it happened. IIRC, 3 - 4 years is the "norm" here.
linwood Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I remember reading somewhere that if a MM/MW who's having an affair is really willing to leave their spouse in order to have a normal relationship with the OW/OM, they will normally do it within the first year. If that does not happen during this time, it is unlikely to ever happen. What do you think? I think I left my SO after a year & a half affair to marry my OW.
Author Ellin Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 Big thank you for everyone for the replies. From what you have shared in this thread it looks like the results of the study in question are not necessarily correct. I'm just wondering how helpful these studies and statistics can be in a situation when a OW/OM find themselves wanting to have a normal relationship with their AP and are being told it's going to happen, but are not sure if they can really believe it, and are trying to make a difficult decision..
Silly_Girl Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Big thank you for everyone for the replies. From what you have shared in this thread it looks like the results of the study in question are not necessarily correct. I'm just wondering how helpful these studies and statistics can be in a situation when a OW/OM find themselves wanting to have a normal relationship with their AP and are being told it's going to happen, but are not sure if they can really believe it, and are trying to make a difficult decision.. Oh, I think each and every situation is different. If you're looking for a proven pattern, to guide you, there is none. And even if there were, there's no guarantee and different people can tolerate different circumstances and different timescales. In summary I'd say stats are useless
fooled once Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Big thank you for everyone for the replies. From what you have shared in this thread it looks like the results of the study in question are not necessarily correct. I'm just wondering how helpful these studies and statistics can be in a situation when a OW/OM find themselves wanting to have a normal relationship with their AP and are being told it's going to happen, but are not sure if they can really believe it, and are trying to make a difficult decision.. Anyone can say anything.... I can say I am a millionaire... ACTIONS is what matters. If someone loves a person, that person will move mountains to be with them. Not hide them.
Author Ellin Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 Anyone can say anything.... I can say I am a millionaire... ACTIONS is what matters. If someone loves a person, that person will move mountains to be with them. Not hide them. That's only in fairy tales..
jennie-jennie Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 That's only in fairy tales.. Agreed. From what I can see the actions of these MM/committed men are showing that they want to be with the OW. Otherwise they would be faithfully at home. How are you doing, Ellin?
pureinheart Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Agreed. From what I can see the actions of these MM/committed men are showing that they want to be with the OW. Otherwise they would be faithfully at home. How are you doing, Ellin? I would say this is realistic...and ask the same thing Ellin...
Author Ellin Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 Hi Jennie and Pureinheart!! I'm doing well and it's so nice that you've asked. I'm coping with the situation in my own way and things are generally getting better. And how are the two of you? I hope I'll catch up with what's going on on the board after my absence. ((HUGS)) Oh, and Pureintheheart, you're singature is very wise and happens to be what I've just been finding about myself. Thank for sharing!
White Flower Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 As someone who works in a family law ofice, I can tell you with some authority that MM and MW very seldom leave their spouses for the OW/OM. It happens, but it is pretty rare. I don't think even 1 out every 10 divorce cases we get works out that way. In the end, the overhwlming majority of married cheaters end up dumping the OM/OW and staying with their spouse. And not because they necessarily care more for the spouse. It is just that staying married is SO much easier. If a MM or MW decided to leave their spouse fgor their OW/OM, they'd need to divorce. Divorce can be a long, brutal process that leaves both parties shattered emotionally and financially. Getting divorced is risky. Dumping the OW/OM is easy, so that's what the majority of people do. I'd agree with your post for the most part ADF. I just wonder how acurate it is to claim that that MM/MW seldom leave for the OM/OW. I didn't tell my lawyer who I was or wasn't leaving for as I felt that was none of his business. I only wanted a divorce decree from him. Do you believe most clients report their feelings and futures to their lawyers?
White Flower Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 For those of us who are now M to our fMMs, this wasn't how it happened. IIRC, 3 - 4 years is the "norm" here. I can think of two other OW who were with MM for at least 3 years before their guy D'd and M them. I won't name names though but one has a very tenacious username while the other is very fiesty:p
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