Jilly Bean Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I think where there's smoke, there's fire. Even if you find nothing THIS time, which I think you will, as I don't believe you surf escort sites and sex hook-up sites to idly pass the time - you do it because you're actively involved in the lifestyle, it seems like a horrible way for you to live. Trying to "bust" your husband, by sleuthing behind his back seems so painful and unhealthy... But, you sound SO together, that I have no fear you will do the right thing for you and your kids. Be strong, and wishing you godspeed...
linwood Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 LD, It sounds to me as if you`re looking for an excuse..ANY excuse to make the destruction of your marriage the fault of your husband so you can feel good about yourself. Forgive me if I`m missing something. Do you really consider personal sexual deviancy worse than an actual affair?
fooled once Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Thanks NiD! I couldn't figure it out at all LOL I just looked up sexual deviancy and found the below. Based on what I bolded, ya, I would say THIS is worse than an affair!! Sexual Deviancy Paraphillias is a biomedical term used to describe sexual arousal to objects, situations, or individuals that are not part of normative stimulation and that may cause distress or serious problems for the person or persons associated with him or her. Paraphilia is a condition involving sex fetishes where a person's sexual arousal and gratification depend on fantasizing about, and engaging in, sexual behavior that is atypical and extreme Paraphillias are disorders of deviant sexuality. As defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the clinician’s diagnostic bible), they involve recurrent fantasies, urges or behaviors of a sexual nature that center around children, non-humans (animals, objects, materials), or harming others or one’s self. Whereas pedophilia (child molestation) is a particularly awful sexual deviancy, there are other forms of sexual deviancy such as transvestism and many forms of fetishism that harm no one and that do not deserve to be thought of in the same breath as child molestation. A list of the paraphillias follows, each with a short description: Exhibitionism involves a compulsion to display one’s private parts to strangers. Like gamblers, pyromaniacs and other impulse-junkies, exhibitionists cycle through periods of increasing tension that are only relieved by the ‘rush’ of exposing themselves to strangers (occasionally accompanied by masturbation). Fetishism involves having ones sexual energies fixated on to a manufactured object, rather than onto another human being. Frequently, fetish objects are garments such as shoes, underwear, panties or bras. They may be made of particular materials such as leather or rubber. It is common for a person with a fetish to not be able to achieve orgasm without involving their fetish object in the sexual act (e.g., by getting their partner to wear the fetish object). Although not specifically mentioned in the DSM, persons who chronically rely on pornography for sexual arousal probably qualify as fetishists. Frotteurism involves a compulsion to rub ones self against strangers others in a sexual manner. Like exhibitionism and other impulse control disorders, frotteurism tends to involve a cycle of tension buildup that is relieved by acting out in ‘exciting’ ways. Pedophilia occurs when a sexually mature adult fantasizes about or engages in sexual behavior with pre-pubescent children. Pedophiles tend to have preferences for male or female children (but not both). They may be exclusively child focused, or they may also be interested in adult sexuality. Pedophiles commonly rationalize their deviant behavior (which may include fondling only, or actual child-rape) as being educational and for the child’s benefit. They may also believe that their child victim has sexually seduced them. It is fairly common that the pedophile will threaten the child so as to keep their predatory sexual behavior secrete. Because the pedophile often is the parent or step-parent of the victim child, or has worked hard to gain the confidence of the parents, there are often few perceived safe people and places who a child could report their victimization to anyway. Sexual Masochism and Sadism involves persons who engage in sexual encounters where the focus is on causing (sadism) or receiving (masochism) physical and emotional pain, embarrassment and humiliation. Transvestism (Transvestic Fetishism) occurs when an otherwise ‘normal’ heterosexual male has fantasies about and/or acts out dressing up in woman’s clothing. Such cross dressing is commonly experienced as sexually stimulating. Voyeurism or ‘peeping tom’ behavior involves compulsive fantasizing about and/or acting out engaging in spying on someone (who does not know they are being observed) in the act of disrobing. This sort of behavior is very common amongst the general population; it is not diagnosable as a disorder unless it becomes a compulsive part of a person’s sexual routine.
jennie-jennie Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I am so sorry to hear this, LD, but at the same time I am not surprised. I have been wondering what you were doing back in your marriage anyway. Take care.
jennie-jennie Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 (edited) ---------------- No LD .. I know nothing can happen until you receive the proof you are seeking .. But am I naive or what .. I think an affair is definitely more damaging than deviant behavior.. An affair is an affection for one .. more if their was intimacy.. and infidelity .. Internet 'sex' is a diff horse.. I don't agree with this, and I have lived through both. An affair can be ended and the marriage rebuilt. Deviant sexual behavior is likely without end. You can compete with another woman for a man's love, but you can not compete with his desire for deviant behavior and this makes your powerlessness so much greater. Edited June 11, 2010 by jennie-jennie
RegardingMe Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I am a little clueless here. LD I am sorry your going through turmoil here. I understand acting with your gut. However, it seems like a lot of projection going on. My DH has looked a escort websites. He hasn't done anything about it. We talked about his fantasties for a hooker and we played with it roleplay wise. Is he a deviant because he looked at it? No for me, no. My DH also likes porn. I don't get turned on by it. I don't think it is deviant. Why not have a frank talk? Why not ask what the heck he gets from it? It feels like alot of assumptions and drama building to rev you up to break up the marriage. It also seems to like your not happy in the marriage and that is the bottomline. I am terrified of STD's. My sister's cheating spouse brought home warts, my close friend cheated and got HIV he died and exposed his partner who now has AIDs. Do the keystoke if you need. I would suggest, however face up to if you want to be in the marriage or not. You are not blameless and it maybe that he isn't either. If you do some soulsearching and don't want to be here, then get out before accusations. Since you have kids togather you could possibly save alot of hard feelings on both parts, making the coparenting easier. I do have empathy for you.
CrayonAngel Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 LD, I am so sorry to hear of your discovery..Your story is all to familiar to me. My H did the same crap looking at sex sites "for fantasy purposes" but it breaks a piece of you that you won't ever get back when someone does something like that. There are times when things are great, then there are times when I don't believe him at all. It's been 8 mos and he has been in SA recovery since...I think you should just confront..then again if hes like most, he won't admit to anything until you have proof. but snooping makes me feel crazy..I used to do it all the time and now that I don't I feel so free. I've iimagined the senario if my H had actually cheated on me like I thought for a long time..and I told him if he loved me he would tell me the truth..and that if he did I didn't need to waste my time because he wasn't for me. I would NEVER stay with a cheating spouse and he knows this (I watched my mom suffer through "for the kids") and I would never do it. I think you should talk to him.
Samantha0905 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I understand I mean it is one thing if he is using it to excite himself..okay, but if he is actually going and meeting with other women for sex...that I have a problem with. He is on F**kbook friend, Adult Friend Finder, and various escort sites. I am hoping a keylogger will help me determine what is going on here. I don't think I'm okay with it even if he is using it to excite himself. That could be a joint activity with you included. All the site memberships are very suspect. I don't know if I would install a keylogger though. No judgment -- it just would not be for me. I'm all about honesty and full disclosure, blah blah blah. But what assurance does she have that if she discloses her A, he will be honest in turn? Sure, she can clear her conscience, but he could use it against her in divorce proceedings, while his lies stay hidden, and he comes off smelling like a rose. I think keylogger/proof of wrongdoing is imperative here. Plus, if he's doing something sexually deviant that she could never forgive, divorce is gonna happen either way. This is exactly what I thought when I read the suggestion. I wouldn't confess jack doodlie. It doesn't sound like things are going to workout anyway, so don't throw yourself under the wheels of the bus LD. Yeah I guess you are right. The internet sex, or having sex with someone you met from the internet for SEX only (escort, fwb type of situation) just screams STD's to me. I just feel if it's true. You should go get tested if you're worried about possible STDs. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. You sound like a strong person to me and I think you'll do fine as a single mother. It seems you are very unhappy in your marriage. Believe me, I KNOW it's difficult to leave your marriage -- but if you can move forward I feel you will get through the hard times and come out better on the other end of the tough process.
MizFit Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I have no problem with anything that is shared...if the parties enjoy porn or an open marriage or like to dress up like pirates and maidens, as long as they do it together I'm fine with it. SOs will never agree on everything sexually, any more than they will on agreeing on every television show or vegetable. However, there shouldn't be something someone is looking to hide from the other. I won't bang on about it because I know it's not the place, but this is one of the reasons I feel an OW/OM is inconsequential. I could be cheated on with a call girl, a ONS, or an ongoing fetish with something on the computer. LD...I do see what he's doing as serious and not something that should be dismissed because it's not an A. If he is in as deep as you suspect then he is lying and keeping secrets all for his sexual gratification...to me there's no difference, but that's just me. I have such mixed emotions about keyloggers...I can see the temptation and I can see it as something that I wouldn't be comfortable with. It's a tough and very personal call.
bananalaffytaffy Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Negotiation 101: Always know more about your "opponent" than they know about you. If you need a keylogger to do that, go for it. I don't know what these sites are. But if viewing porn is a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker. I'd have to think that even looking into seeking an escort is grounds for divorce, but that's just me. It's not okay to inquire of the pimp, even though you don't intend to see the hooker.
Author ladydesigner Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 First off thank you for all the replies. One thing I would like to clear up is that I am not an anti-porn person i am all for it. I have a problem with seeking out escorts or f**k buddies through ads and what not. I really do not want to compare which is worse an A or escort, in my eyes they are both bad. There is just something more dirty to me in regards to someone you have not gotten to know. I am going to install the keylogger and hope that my fears are not true. While I am not big on spying, my H has just been such a great liar and well I don't trust him. He is a very good talker and can pretty much talk himself out of everything. He still has not been totally honest about what I have discovered in the past, but neither have I. In any case I would like to put these fears to rest.
MizFit Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 First off thank you for all the replies. One thing I would like to clear up is that I am not an anti-porn person i am all for it. I have a problem with seeking out escorts or f**k buddies through ads and what not. I really do not want to compare which is worse an A or escort, in my eyes they are both bad. There is just something more dirty to me in regards to someone you have not gotten to know. I am going to install the keylogger and hope that my fears are not true. While I am not big on spying, my H has just been such a great liar and well I don't trust him. He is a very good talker and can pretty much talk himself out of everything. He still has not been totally honest about what I have discovered in the past, but neither have I. In any case I would like to put these fears to rest. You're right...you do need to put the fears to rest. The concern I have is this...what happens when the next set of fears come up. Just take care of yourself and find your happiness...xx
jam1307 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 When my DH was having an A (BTW what is an M? (marriage?) all these acronyms), Refog Keylogger and cell phone records were kept and were going to be used for a divorce before we reconciled. Yes, he was unhappy, but I told him I had to fight fire with fire, I wanted the truth, I resorted to it months after suspicions and months after his dodging, I was going to tell him anyway (you only do this to help your arguments/suspicions for a confrontation anyway).
bananalaffytaffy Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 IMO, this isn't about hypocrisy, who has done the baddest bad, or who has one up on who. This is about whether reconciliation has gone off track, or ever really was on at all.
JustJoe Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 You do what you've got to do, LD. But take anything you might learn, with a huge dose of "I"m not being honest, either", medicine. And before you ****-can a marriage , because of his lying, you'd better be willing and able to face the music, yourself. JMO.
fooled once Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I pray that in 11 yrs, I can say the same! Yes, if kids only knew how "low" is low for us single moms but they sure know how to fill us up! LD, maybe your H needs some professional help? Hang in the Mim! My son was my rock, my reason for getting up each day when I went through some pretty damn lows during the A I was in. While all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep, he made it a "camping adventure" in my bedroom I am a little clueless here. LD I am sorry your going through turmoil here. I understand acting with your gut. However, it seems like a lot of projection going on. My DH has looked a escort websites. He hasn't done anything about it. We talked about his fantasties for a hooker and we played with it roleplay wise. Is he a deviant because he looked at it? No for me, no. My DH also likes porn. I don't get turned on by it. I don't think it is deviant. Why not have a frank talk? Why not ask what the heck he gets from it? It feels like alot of assumptions and drama building to rev you up to break up the marriage. It also seems to like your not happy in the marriage and that is the bottomline. I am terrified of STD's. My sister's cheating spouse brought home warts, my close friend cheated and got HIV he died and exposed his partner who now has AIDs. Do the keystoke if you need. I would suggest, however face up to if you want to be in the marriage or not. You are not blameless and it maybe that he isn't either. If you do some soulsearching and don't want to be here, then get out before accusations. Since you have kids togather you could possibly save alot of hard feelings on both parts, making the coparenting easier. I do have empathy for you. Uh... PORN IMHO isn't sexual deviance. Neither is hookers and escorts. Read what I posted on page 1 about sexual deviance -- sex with kids, animals and objects (and I don't mean toys) First off thank you for all the replies. One thing I would like to clear up is that I am not an anti-porn person i am all for it. I have a problem with seeking out escorts or f**k buddies through ads and what not. I really do not want to compare which is worse an A or escort, in my eyes they are both bad. There is just something more dirty to me in regards to someone you have not gotten to know. I am going to install the keylogger and hope that my fears are not true. While I am not big on spying, my H has just been such a great liar and well I don't trust him. He is a very good talker and can pretty much talk himself out of everything. He still has not been totally honest about what I have discovered in the past, but neither have I. In any case I would like to put these fears to rest. LD, I support whatever you need to do FOR YOU. I don't give a rats butt about your H. I care about you and making sure YOU are okay. The old saying "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" comes to mind when I read some of the responses on here
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Once burned, twice shy...or Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I get it. You have trust issues, understandably. So do I. My fWS's daily viewing of porn pre-affair and during were alarming, once I tracked the cookies post DDay. Another aberration at that time. Porn's fine, as long as we share it. Anything done in secret is not, no more, and that includes any of those sites. Unfortunately, it doesn't take much for me to go from zero to 60 these days... The rules have changed, post affair. They had to. Get your keylogger to get peace of mind. And please be aware that sites like Adult Friend Finder and others attach cookies from their ads on regular porn sites..... Good luck.
califnan Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Yeah I guess you are right. The internet sex, or having sex with someone you met from the internet for SEX only (escort, fwb type of situation) just screams STD's to me. I just feel if it's true. ----------------------- Sorry LD .. My mistake .. I was thinking his internet situation did not include sex.
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