ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Quick backstory caught my H mutiple times doing shady things, but no concrete proof of actual sexual intercourse. Inappropriate pics sent to him, inappropriate behavior (that I caught), and an anonymous email from an OW. I had a RA in '08 that ended badly and never told my H. We have been in reconciliation. Today I found on our computer, deleted history from him. In the past he has deleted history and I checked the cookies and found some disturbing sites. I deleted the cookies and have now found that these sites have reappeared. The following sites I found were escort sites, sex dating sites, and the excessive porn sites. I think my H is not only a sex addict but a sick one at that. I am installing a keylogger this weeking, if I find proof of what I feel in my gut to be true I will file for a divorce.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Quick backstory caught my H mutiple times doing shady things, but no concrete proof of actual sexual intercourse. Inappropriate pics sent to him, inappropriate behavior (that I caught), and an anonymous email from an OW. I had a RA in '08 that ended badly and never told my H. We have been in reconciliation. Today I found on our computer, deleted history from him. In the past he has deleted history and I checked the cookies and found some disturbing sites. I deleted the cookies and have now found that these sites have reappeared. The following sites I found were escort sites, sex dating sites, and the excessive porn sites. I think my H is not only a sex addict but a sick one at that. I am installing a keylogger this weeking, if I find proof of what I feel in my gut to be true I will file for a divorce. There is no cultural understanding nor long term social science that covers all this on-line crappola. If it was all invented a hundred years ago, it may be well known that married people as well as single ones engage in some kind of adult excitement through technology w/o being judged a sex addict. Tiger Woods was banging 12 women including some neighbor's teen. That qualifies as real acting out sex mania. But just having a strong libido and a new outlet for adult socialization without consummation may some day be considered normal once new science takes off and the world catches up with this recent phenomenon.
Author ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 There is no cultural understanding nor long term social science that covers all this on-line crappola. If it was all invented a hundred years ago, it may be well known that married people as well as single ones engage in some kind of adult excitement through technology w/o being judged a sex addict. Tiger Woods was banging 12 women including some neighbor's teen. That qualifies as real acting out sex mania. But just having a strong libido and a new outlet for adult socialization without consummation may some day be considered normal once new science takes off and the world catches up with this recent phenomenon. I understand I mean it is one thing if he is using it to excite himself..okay, but if he is actually going and meeting with other women for sex...that I have a problem with. He is on F**kbook friend, Adult Friend Finder, and various escort sites. I am hoping a keylogger will help me determine what is going on here.
Author ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 I am beginning to think being a single mom might not be too bad. i don't like this feeling
JustJoe Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 LD, as much as I like you, you have no moral leg to stand on, with regard to his real or supposed addiction, as long as you aren't being square with him, either. If he is hiding things from you, well, so are you hiding things from him. If you want this marriage to survive and prosper, maybe you and him both, should go back to square one, and start being honest with each other. Have it out , all of it, on the table, and then each of you can decide if this marriage is what you want or need. A good marriage is built on a firm foundation of truth and love, right now, your's is built on deceit and disrespect. But you, in your heart , already know this. Don't ask for honesty from him , if you're unwilling to give truth , in return.
Author ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 LD, as much as I like you, you have no moral leg to stand on, with regard to his real or supposed addiction, as long as you aren't being square with him, either. If he is hiding things from you, well, so are you hiding things from him. If you want this marriage to survive and prosper, maybe you and him both, should go back to square one, and start being honest with each other. Have it out , all of it, on the table, and then each of you can decide if this marriage is what you want or need. A good marriage is built on a firm foundation of truth and love, right now, your's is built on deceit and disrespect. But you, in your heart , already know this. Don't ask for honesty from him , if you're unwilling to give truth , in return. Trust me JustJoe, if I find something this time around I am going to tell. I have nothing to lose. At this point I am beginning to get sick
Feelin Frisky Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I understand I mean it is one thing if he is using it to excite himself..okay, but if he is actually going and meeting with other women for sex...that I have a problem with. He is on F**kbook friend, Adult Friend Finder, and various escort sites. I am hoping a keylogger will help me determine what is going on here.Well, those can be innocuous too because most every site falls short and he may just be checking out some that seem more daring. I was hoping to have more cross talk here with some females but I've only had predictable snipes from other men here and there. You would be a better judge of your H's motivations because I am not looking to hook up or get too involved and I'm not up on any of those other venues. This is my first non-intellectually purposed forum. I hope you don't find the worst to be true. Sincerely, Jim
JustJoe Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 LD, If you tell because of what you find, by snooping, you will not have gained anything. You need to tell, BEFORE you start acting the Detective. What if it is as you suspect? So what? You already knew that he is capable of infidelity, so that is old news. If you come clean BEFORE you snoop, then he will know that you are truly trying to fix the problems you have, and just maybe he will follow suit. If not, then there is always divorce. Your marriage is a mess, filled with dishonesty, betrayal, and mistrust. It , as it is, is going nowhere. My advice would be that you not install keylogger, but have a "Come to Jesus", talk with him, get everything out in the sun, and either re-commit to each other , for the future, or agree to live apart, since you can't seem to be honest with each other, together.
Author ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 LD, If you tell because of what you find, by snooping, you will not have gained anything. You need to tell, BEFORE you start acting the Detective. What if it is as you suspect? So what? You already knew that he is capable of infidelity, so that is old news. If you come clean BEFORE you snoop, then he will know that you are truly trying to fix the problems you have, and just maybe he will follow suit. If not, then there is always divorce. Your marriage is a mess, filled with dishonesty, betrayal, and mistrust. It , as it is, is going nowhere. My advice would be that you not install keylogger, but have a "Come to Jesus", talk with him, get everything out in the sun, and either re-commit to each other , for the future, or agree to live apart, since you can't seem to be honest with each other, together. Right I understand this completely. I guess I wish I wasn't married to this man. I wish I never had my RA (god that was stupid). My marriage is a mess. I thought we were getting on well. Guess not. The reason I want the Keylogger is for concrete proof, my H has always lied himself out of everything. I know I am a liar myself (I am not proud of this, I was desperately hurt by my H in the past and well obviously used the worst judgement on my part). I guess I want out of this if it is true. I want proof. I want to know if my H really is the sick F**k that I think he is. I don't want to save my M if my H is doing these things. I won't save my M. Thanks for your input it means a lot to me.
JustJoe Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 No, LD, you needn't thank me, I feel it should be the reverse, I should thank you, for taking my words, in the spirit that I intended.:)
Snowflower Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 LD, I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this again with your H. It appears that your M might not be reconciling as well as you thought. I agree with Joe, this is the perfect time to lay it all out on the table, so to speak...your suspicions about his online activity...your A...and go from there. It is possible that your H has also felt the distance or elephant in the room between the two of you. Not excusing any of his possible online activity, but it is possible that he is wavering again. It's a good argument for the WS confessing what they have done...he had an A of sorts (who knows what it all entailed) and then you did and now you are both drowning in secrets. It's up to you but from what you post IMO the time for secrets and unspoken feelings is past. You and your H need to confront your various serious issues and then decide what is best for each of you and your children. Good luck! (((LD)))
Author ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 LD, I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this again with your H. It appears that your M might not be reconciling as well as you thought. I agree with Joe, this is the perfect time to lay it all out on the table, so to speak...your suspicions about his online activity...your A...and go from there. It is possible that your H has also felt the distance or elephant in the room between the two of you. Not excusing any of his possible online activity, but it is possible that he is wavering again. It's a good argument for the WS confessing what they have done...he had an A of sorts (who knows what it all entailed) and then you did and now you are both drowning in secrets. It's up to you but from what you post IMO the time for secrets and unspoken feelings is past. You and your H need to confront your various serious issues and then decide what is best for each of you and your children. Good luck! (((LD))) This very well could be and is very good advice. I'm not sure what I am trying to save anymore here I feel horrible for my children. It's horrible M's have to face crisis' like these. I never would have thought I would end up here, although I am thankful for LS and everyone here, it has been such a blessing to me.
Author ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 I'm all about honesty and full disclosure, blah blah blah. But what assurance does she have that if she discloses her A, he will be honest in turn? Sure, she can clear her conscience, but he could use it against her in divorce proceedings, while his lies stay hidden, and he comes off smelling like a rose. I think keylogger/proof of wrongdoing is imperative here. Plus, if he's doing something sexually deviant that she could never forgive, divorce is gonna happen either way. Thanks Jthorne and you can bet if there is any kind of sexually deviant behavior divorce WILL happen. An A is one thing deviant behavior is a whole other can of worms.
Mimolicious Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I am beginning to think being a single mom might not be too bad. i don't like this feeling LD (HUG) . Being a single mom is awesome! There is a little person that needs you more than anything. Needs you energized, happy and healthy. Best of wishes hone.
Snowflower Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 (edited) I'm all about honesty and full disclosure, blah blah blah. But what assurance does she have that if she discloses her A, he will be honest in turn? Sure, she can clear her conscience, but he could use it against her in divorce proceedings, while his lies stay hidden, and he comes off smelling like a rose. I think keylogger/proof of wrongdoing is imperative here. Plus, if he's doing something sexually deviant that she could never forgive, divorce is gonna happen either way. This is a very good point and a different way of looking at the dilemma. LD, maybe consider what JT is suggesting as well because obviously, you know your situation best. Hang in there LD, I would imagine you are in a very lonely place right now. Edited June 10, 2010 by Snowflower
MizFit Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 LD (HUG) . Being a single mom is awesome! There is a little person that needs you more than anything. Needs you energized, happy and healthy. Best of wishes hone. I became a single mom when my son was 3...he's 22 now and he's wonderful. He's been a constant companion and been beside me through highs and lows...although he wasn't aware of quite how low some were! I adore him and am so proud of the man I raised. I have no idea of knowing what he would have turned out like if we'd stayed with his dad, but I know I would have been miserable more days than not. I'm healthy and happy and so is my son... It's not easy LD, but you're strong...you can do it.
Mimolicious Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I became a single mom when my son was 3...he's 22 now and he's wonderful. He's been a constant companion and been beside me through highs and lows...although he wasn't aware of quite how low some were! I adore him and am so proud of the man I raised. I have no idea of knowing what he would have turned out like if we'd stayed with his dad, but I know I would have been miserable more days than not. I'm healthy and happy and so is my son... It's not easy LD, but you're strong...you can do it. I pray that in 11 yrs, I can say the same! Yes, if kids only knew how "low" is low for us single moms but they sure know how to fill us up! LD, maybe your H needs some professional help?
crazycatlady Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 LD - no advice just much sympathy. ((HUG)) I'm so sorry. CCL
Author ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 OMG thank you all so much. Your posts make me teary eyed. I know I'm a strong woman and I will do what is best for me and my kids when all is said and done. I love everyone at LS. God thank you all so much!
Scrybe Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I'm usually pretty optimistic about people but I can't think of a single appropriate reason a married man is on dating sites. It's foul. Do whatever makes you happy. Don't worry about him because he is certainly not concerned about you. IOW - Move on.
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Thanks Jthorne and you can bet if there is any kind of sexually deviant behavior divorce WILL happen. An A is one thing deviant behavior is a whole other can of worms. ---------------- No LD .. I know nothing can happen until you receive the proof you are seeking .. But am I naive or what .. I think an affair is definitely more damaging than deviant behavior.. An affair is an affection for one .. more if their was intimacy.. and infidelity .. Internet 'sex' is a diff horse..
Author ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 ---------------- No LD .. I know nothing can happen until you receive the proof you are seeking .. But am I naive or what .. I think an affair is definitely more damaging than deviant behavior.. An affair is an affection for one .. more if their was intimacy.. and infidelity .. Internet 'sex' is a diff horse.. Yeah I guess you are right. The internet sex, or having sex with someone you met from the internet for SEX only (escort, fwb type of situation) just screams STD's to me. I just feel if it's true.
fooled once Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 ((((((Lady)))))) Man, I am sorry. Now, I am going to disagree with JustJoe for the reasons that jthorne stated - what 'guarantee' do you have that if you spill, he will spill the truth and NOT just hold it against you and puts this big act on about how he got spammed? Quick question -- what is a RA? I didn't know what that is. Now, back to your situation.... I am sorry because I really think that you have, besides the not disclosing, really tried to reconcile. But I think your gut is talking to you and it is time for you to listen ((HHUUGGSS)) And I will also tell you, being a single mom was THE MOST rewarding experience of my life! The bond I cemented with my son during that time has made all these years since that much more special. If you count the time I was married to my son's father ... because while he lived with us, he didn't participate in our life, our vacations or his upbringing ... I was a single parent from birth until he was 9. He is the ONLY person I would totally lay my life down for -- if he needed a heart, I would gladly give it to him without blinking. Because of this 'bonding time', for me, it made his teen years the BEST years in my view I loved those times and all my friends thought I was crazy LOL He is 21 today, he is very close to me emotionally, lives on his own and calls 1-2 times a week, just to check in. So if you go that route, being a single mom, while it IS hard, it is so rewarding in so many ways. I am rooting for you -- for you to be healthy, happy and at peace. I support you getting to that place any way you can, as long as it isn't through another affair Take care hon ((hug))
NoIDidn't Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 LD I can't defend your H, but I can say that I've visited those sites before out of curiosity. But you can tell that by fact that its generally only a few pages before I leave the page in my History. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with JustJoe and JT. Both raise good points but only you truly know what you are dealing with. I've found keyloggers to be great equalizers when I used one (for only the one day free period, at that), so good luck - but hopefully its only curiosity and not actual membership. FO - RA is "Revenge Affair".
bittersweet memories Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I understand I mean it is one thing if he is using it to excite himself..okay, but if he is actually going and meeting with other women for sex...that I have a problem with. He is on F**kbook friend, Adult Friend Finder, and various escort sites. I am hoping a keylogger will help me determine what is going on here. I agree with the poster above...looking @ naked woman on the net or magazines does not sound that big a deal. Some men do that...on ther other hand if he's seeking actual people I would be concern. Good luck to you!
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