Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Soooo ... your W has no problem at all with conflict directed at YOU, but you won't screw up your courage enough to even be honest with her about what it is about the car that bothers you. She can screw other men and make you accept it without explanation, but you aren't allowed the comfort of a cigarette to calm your nerves. The more you post, the clearer the picture is ... you are WHIPPED ... you have admitted as much ... and you have also made it clear that you intend to do NOTHING about it. You are simply where you are ... because you CHOOSE TO BE!!! That was a bit less cordial than I am used to, but that's ok. Where did you get the idea that I accepted any of this without explanation? I thought it was obvious that I had obtained some amount of disclosure regarding what happened to be able to forgive, but not as much detail as I would have liked. Is that my fault? Yes. That's why I posted here, to get feedback on a good way to approach it. On your other point about where I am, yes I am where I am right now, but I am choosing to seek advice on how to better my marriage/myself. As far as being whipped, yeah probably to a certain extent.
Church Bells Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 That was a bit less cordial than I am used to, but that's ok. Where did you get the idea that I accepted any of this without explanation? I thought it was obvious that I had obtained some amount of disclosure regarding what happened to be able to forgive, but not as much detail as I would have liked. Is that my fault? Yes. That's why I posted here, to get feedback on a good way to approach it. On your other point about where I am, yes I am where I am right now, but I am choosing to seek advice on how to better my marriage/myself. As far as being whipped, yeah probably to a certain extent. OK, I'll make one more attempt to see if I have anything to offer. I know I busted your chops, but I've found that a lot of times a man will take a lot from a woman, but will make a stand to another man when his masculinity is questioned. During my first 12 years of M to my current W ... I changed ... for whatever reason, when I felt us growing further apart, I got clingy and needy, which was absolutely the WRONG thing to do. I had never been that way before and still can't explain why my personality defaulted to that approach. However ... unlike where you appear to be ... on D-Day, my true confrontational personality came rushing back. I took complete charge of the situation and my W responded to the old me, like she did when we first started dating. You appear to have taken the opposite approach and allowed your WW to determine the conditions of your R, which has left you with these "unresolved issues". Women won't love a man that they don't respect. Since your WW continues to treat you disrespectfully, I can only assume that she has little respect for you. You allude to the fact that you used to have a different personality type. My advice would then be to reconnect with your old self ... EMBRACE CONFLICT until you are satisfied that your "issues" have been "resolved" ... and take on a tone of RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION for having been wronged in such a way, and then having your feelings dismissed. A good start would be to go home and announce to your WW that you need to talk and set up an uninterrupted time to do so. At the onset of that talk, I would explain to her that apparently you forgave her too easily and quickly, and that you still have these "unresolved issues" that need addressing. You do this in a calm, cool, and collected manner. You never raise your voice ... in fact, you do just the opposite. When she starts to raise the volume, you speak softer. During a conflict, nothing is heard louder than a "whisper" spoken with passion. As a visual announcement of the return of your old self, I may even take out a cigarette and confidently light it up right in front of her. If she questions it ... I'd simply explain that "I like to smoke, and at times like this, it helps. I can always quit again if and when we are able to put this permanently behind us." Then go over your "pre-pepared" list with her ... write it out if you need to stay on point. The phrase that I used to get details was ... "I love you, but I will not share you, and that includes any shared memories between ONLY you and OM. I am your HUSBAND and I deserve this knowledge about our lives together." We are all cut from different cloth ... does any of this seem plausible to you?
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I'm with Churchbells also - in that I was in disbelief of your having to be Defensive regarding lighting a cigarette.. to someone who has committed an adulterous affair! Also this change that you have made for the better in your demeanor .. That's very considerate of you .. but bad behavior shouldn't be rewarded either .. I guess, if nothing else - being on here can help you work off your (Righteous) indignation regarding the affair - and whether or not she has been truthful regarding details.. Your have every right to be questioning ..
RegardingMe Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 BFF is making a play for you. Reminding you of affair, then making you look at faults of Wife. I would image she did some subtle flirting. A was 2 years ago and she is just bringing it up. You might have been clueless. Can anyone else see this?
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 BFF is making a play for you. Reminding you of affair, then making you look at faults of Wife. I would image she did some subtle flirting. A was 2 years ago and she is just bringing it up. You might have been clueless. Can anyone else see this? ----------------- I had thought of that .. regardless she is insignificant, excepting for her inuendos..
carhill Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 She could be testing him too. BTDT. Considering the totality of the circumstances, they might just be the kind of women to do that. Watch out for that OP. Everything isn't always as it seems.
Steadfast Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 (edited) Please forgive any sweeping generations the following statement may cause...it isn't a sexist view, it's a view, plain and simple. From experience. Women are weird and their female relationships even weirder. More times than not, the whole friendship is a real love/hate thing. Competitive, sneaky, snakey, snarky and rife with worries about equality. If a 'best friend' is going through problems, the whole affair is made better if the best friend is too. Many 'friends' (term used loosely) gain comfort from mutual conflict and suffering. They want happy if they are happy, they want company in the sewage if that's where they are. 'Don't leave me alone!' Certainly not all friends, and certainly not just females, but...'nuff said. Look, she's your wife's friend, not yours. What did you expect? Do you think your wife has, or ever will tell you the things she tells her best friend? Dude, wake up. You're the topic of discussion, not a participant. The best friend knows this and wants you to know it. It's power. Do yourself a favor and shy away from her friends. Be nice, be cordial, be gone. You've got your hands full. Trying figure a female is hard enough, trying to figure out two is laughable. Edited June 11, 2010 by Steadfast
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 insecurity issue I will share: I recently went to see some old friends and she was extremely jealous (even called some numbers on my cell phone log) to see who I was calling. This perplexes me, because I would never do anything to jeopardize my family. This is a reflection of herself. Because she cheated, had an affair, she's turned it on you because she's since capable of cheating, she now thinks you are, or could be. Revenge affair or something. Eh, I tend to think its drama more than anything else. I'll give you an example. This friend caught me smoking a cigarette (I had recently confessed to quitting but still snuck one here and there) and immediately called my wife to tell her, setting off an argument. That friend is TOO involved in your marriage and what goes on. W..T..F. How old is her friend, like 13? Tattle tale?
Author Maladjusted Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 I'm with Churchbells also - in that I was in disbelief of your having to be Defensive regarding lighting a cigarette.. to someone who has committed an adulterous affair! Also this change that you have made for the better in your demeanor .. That's very considerate of you .. but bad behavior shouldn't be rewarded either .. I guess, if nothing else - being on here can help you work off your (Righteous) indignation regarding the affair - and whether or not she has been truthful regarding details.. Your have every right to be questioning .. Ok, let me set the cigarette issue straight: It was a year and a half after the affair. In my defense, I wasn't smoking because of stress due to the affair but mainly the stress of life in general.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 Then go over your "pre-pepared" list with her ... write it out if you need to stay on point. The phrase that I used to get details was ... "I love you, but I will not share you, and that includes any shared memories between ONLY you and OM. I am your HUSBAND and I deserve this knowledge about our lives together." We are all cut from different cloth ... does any of this seem plausible to you? I really like this idea and I think I will try this. Thank you.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 BFF is making a play for you. Reminding you of affair, then making you look at faults of Wife. I would image she did some subtle flirting. A was 2 years ago and she is just bringing it up. You might have been clueless. Can anyone else see this? I can see on the surface that it may seem that way, but I know she is completely devoted to her husband. I think she was, as another poster said, fishing for information from me to perhaps say to my wife. You want to know what's really strange? My wife has never met her best friend's husband.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 She could be testing him too. BTDT. Considering the totality of the circumstances, they might just be the kind of women to do that. Watch out for that OP. Everything isn't always as it seems. Completely agree. I think she was either trying to stir something up or wanted gossip to talk to someone else about.
Church Bells Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I really like this idea and I think I will try this. Thank you. Good for YOU. If you deliver this message clearly, calmly and confidently ... there truly is NO PLACE left for her to backpedal. It forces her to face her betrayal of you ... own it ... and come clean with any pertinent information any reasonable HUSBAND is entitled to know. UNLESS ... she's just a remorseless, cold hearted bitch that has no problem telling bald faced lies, and if that is the case, you really don't have much to work with and PLAN D (Divorce or Doormat, you make the choice) is your only remaining option. Good Luck and let us know how the conversation goes.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 Look, she's your wife's friend, not yours. What did you expect? Do you think your wife has, or ever will tell you the things she tells her best friend? Dude, wake up. You're the topic of discussion, not a participant. The best friend knows this and wants you to know it. It's power. Do yourself a favor and shy away from her friends. Be nice, be cordial, be gone. You've got your hands full. Trying figure a female is hard enough, trying to figure out two is laughable. I didn't really expect anything, that's why I was surprised when her friend brought it up. I know for a fact that she won't tell me the things she told her friend. Yes, I will definitely stay away from her.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 This is a reflection of herself. Because she cheated, had an affair, she's turned it on you because she's since capable of cheating, she now thinks you are, or could be. Revenge affair or something. That friend is TOO involved in your marriage and what goes on. W..T..F. How old is her friend, like 13? Tattle tale? Yes, I know. Ironically, she told me yesterday she knows I would never cheat on her, yet she checks my phone records while I am out of town, and even calls a few of the numbers to see who they are. I know she was afraid I would cheat on her in return, but I would never do that. You would think her friend is 13. She's an idiot. I can't stand it when she comes over.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I can see on the surface that it may seem that way, but I know she is completely devoted to her husband. I think she was, as another poster said, fishing for information from me to perhaps say to my wife. You want to know what's really strange? My wife has never met her best friend's husband. OKay...I find this extremely strange that your wife never met her supposed best friends husband! How long have they been friends? Maybe her friend doesnt trust her..especially now given the A? Sounds like her friend may be a ***** disturber..nothing better else going on in her life...or she is simply trying to come on to you! Those are my only thoughts!
Author Maladjusted Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 What I did was start listening more, and stopped speaking less. I stopped making callous or cold remarks and started making true time for my wife, my children, and I. I stopped thinking about myself less and my wife and my family more. My entire behavioral profile shifted. I agree with posters who said you are not acting like a Man should. People who cheat know how easy it is and that is why they become so jealous and paranoid that their partner will do the same, so they check and look in to phone records, web history etc. You should NEVER change for a woman, because yes, she will not respect you for it. I say become a Man, tell your wife her friend is a skank and you don't want her in the house and tell your "wife" that you have lost feelings for her because of her affair and thinking about divorce. Ok, me making the changes I did were ones that needed to be made. Again, I know the affair was not my fault. There were multiple factors involved in this, and I know I was not one of them. As a man, I took a look within myself and fixed problems that needed to fixed, not only for the marriage, but for me. I believe the issue with her friend will soon resolve itself, I think she is moving away shortly.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 OKay...I find this extremely strange that your wife never met her supposed best friends husband! How long have they been friends? Maybe her friend doesnt trust her..especially now given the A? Sounds like her friend may be a ***** disturber..nothing better else going on in her life...or she is simply trying to come on to you! Those are my only thoughts! Her friend is EXTREMELY jealous, from what I have been told. They've been friends for at least 5 years, but this friend is kind of a fair weather friend. You are right that there is nothing else better going on. I know she isn't trying to come onto me, I would've sensed that.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Well that explains it. Have you at all discussed this with your wife at this point? I would be point blank and ask her why she thinks her best friend would mention this out of the blue?
Author Maladjusted Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 Well that explains it. Have you at all discussed this with your wife at this point? I would be point blank and ask her why she thinks her best friend would mention this out of the blue? Yes, we've discussed her friend. I've even called out the friend on how my wife has never met her husband, and my wife scolded me for it in front of her. Like another poster said (I think it was Steadfast) their friendship is cyclical. Some times they are best buds, sometimes they fight, etc.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 So your wife argued with YOU because you outted her out on having a shady friend who didn't introduce her best friend to her husband? WOW!!! That sounds 10 times more shady than anything! I know you say your over the affair..and blah blah blah about recovering your marriage..but your wife is nuts dude!
Doing it Since '78 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 (edited) Say brah, If you don't want the friend over because of the ruckus she is causing, tell your wife enough of the teenage musical melodrama, and either her tell the friend to beat it politely, or you will tell her as nasty and as crass as possible. Or matter of fact, tell the friends husband to give you a ring, and you guys can put it out there yourselves. Drag your nuts around some bro, it makes it so much better, trust me It sounds like you have tucked your tail a little, because you may be afraid of what happened with your folks the last time you showed your manly side, that if you are not this subdued pussy (that you imagine she likes), she will creep on you again. And if she does, fck it, at least let it be on your terms. Matter of fact, by putting all of this out in the open, at least she knows, that you know this all just won't magically dissapear. And fck it again, who cares if that's her only friend, the broad sounds toxic, and she means you both no good, tell her to kick rocks Edited June 11, 2010 by Doing it Since '78
Darth Vader Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Agreed. It was weird in the way it came up; almost like she had sympathy or perhaps regret that she didn't say anything. She told me that whole situation was "messed up". Perhaps she felt sympathy, or she could be hinting to you of something going on now. I dunno. I say that because once a cheater always a cheater!
Darth Vader Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 Trust me, I know I didn't do anything wrong, other than to be naive about the whole ordeal. I'll give you an example of what I am talking about. What I wanted to know is if the dude was in my house. At the time, she had told me that he "showed up" at our house at 1 am, and that she wouldn't let him in. An inspection of the house however (I was on a trip at the time) suggested otherwise. I didn't find anything incriminating, other than the trash was taken out to the curb (it has never been taken to the curb before or after this whole ordeal by her). Over the past year, I have mentioned getting rid of a car that we own (that I know he had ridden in) and I probably got a little emotional when I said I couldn't wait to get rid of that POS car, and that I couldn't stand it. She caught onto it, and had told me that every time I reference the car, it breaks her heart. I don't talk to anybody about this. I have forgiven her, and I feel somewhat petty talking about all this, especially after I have forgiven her. It just creeps me out that I could be sleeping in the same bed and in the same house where some of these activities may have occurred. Have you pointed out to her that it's your right to know if anything happened in your house? Have you told her how this makes you feel? I would feel disgusted! To think that sex with OM occured somewhere in the house while you were working your ass for her! God forbid it was in your bed!
Darth Vader Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I have to wonder about this friend of yours who ratted you out for having a smoke, sure not healthy, but still, it's nothing compared to what your wife did. BTW, who did your wife cheat with anyway? Anyway, could your "friend" have messed with your wife? Your wife had no right to scold you about asking about her friends husband. Lastly, your wife seems awfully controlling to me!
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