Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Thanks in advance for reading. My wife had an affair almost 2 years ago. I have forgiven her and we have moved past it, but there is something lingering. Her best friend...... Her best friend knew about the affair, and of course said nothing to me about it. Recently, I have had an occasion to speak with her best friend on the phone (we were planning a party) and her best friend (whom I will call J) referenced the affair and what a messed up situation that was, and then in another phone call (she was looking for my wife) pointed out some of my wife's insecurities and how she needs to address them. Personally, I don't care much for her friend. 1) For knowing about the affair and saying nothing, despite the amount of personal anguish I was going through and 2) because she brought up the affair, her own personal opinions on the affair and my wife's insecurities. I would tell my wife about her friend, but she is one of the only friends that my wife has. Now, it bugs me even seeing her friend. I am not sure any of this makes any sense, I guess I just want some opinions on how I should handle her friend....
2sure Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 The affair and the whole mess occurred over 2 years ago. I can understand resenting this woman's knowledge of the affair, but she is your wife's best friend so ...thats something you needed to get over when you forgave your wife. BUT: Why the hell is this woman continuing to bring it up??? I dont like that and you're right not to either. Even though she was involved in the crisis as far as knowing about it...its over, her part in your marriage is over. The entire issue is only between you and your wife. Probably she is just someone who enjoys some amount of drama, gossip, involvement. Tell your wife that her friend bringing it up seems odd to you. Tell her that you respect her friend & the friendship ...but that you hope the past affair is something that she no longer discusses with anyone socially. Tell her friend honestly, that you & your wife have worked past the crisis together and prefer to keep it , at this point, enclosed by the privacy of your marriage.
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Your wife's "best friend" was out of order .. And your wife's best friend confidant - should be her husband..
Church Bells Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 My W had a toxic, enabling, cheerleading GF that actually actively LIED to me to help conceal her knowledge and encouragement of my W's A. I insisted on NC with toxic GF, just the same as OM, as a condition of attempting R, which continues to this day. In addition, my W had another GF (who I also considered a friend) with knowledge of the A, that initially concealed the A by omition, but upon confrontation came clean with all of her knowledge of what was going on. Due to her semi-"honesty", I didn't insist on NC with her as a condition ... just that she was no longer welcome in our home ... but strangely enough, this GF has went NC with us and I haven't spoken in nearly 3 years. In her last conversation with my W, (about 2.5 years ago) she said that she realized with her involvement, she knew me well enough to know my feelings on the matter and wouldn't come around either of us again. In a strange way, she regained a small portion of my respect for her, although we live in a small town and I have run into her on a few occasions and we no longer acknowledge each other. I simply view these lost friendships as natural consequences of bad judgments.
carhill Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 OP, set your boundary with your wife. It's inappropriate at this juncture for her to be sharing marital business with her female friends and past inappropriately shared marital business is in the past and not to be discussed or mentioned by them to you. Expect this to make her angry. That means you're being effective. Do not talk to her best friend about this. She's irrelevant. Good luck
Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 The affair and the whole mess occurred over 2 years ago. I can understand resenting this woman's knowledge of the affair, but she is your wife's best friend so ...thats something you needed to get over when you forgave your wife. BUT: Why the hell is this woman continuing to bring it up??? I dont like that and you're right not to either. Even though she was involved in the crisis as far as knowing about it...its over, her part in your marriage is over. The entire issue is only between you and your wife. Probably she is just someone who enjoys some amount of drama, gossip, involvement. Tell your wife that her friend bringing it up seems odd to you. Tell her that you respect her friend & the friendship ...but that you hope the past affair is something that she no longer discusses with anyone socially. Tell her friend honestly, that you & your wife have worked past the crisis together and prefer to keep it , at this point, enclosed by the privacy of your marriage. You are right in the fact that I should have forgiven her friend for as well. What makes it hard is when she comes over to the house for a visit. I know I should forgive her. I am not very friendly with her at my wife knows it. I hesitate in bringing this up to my wife simply because it's one of her only friends, and we never talk about what happened previously anymore. You are also right in that she likes drama and gossip. God knows what jokes/remarks she and her husband made about it.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Your wife's "best friend" was out of order .. And your wife's best friend confidant - should be her husband.. Agreed. It was weird in the way it came up; almost like she had sympathy or perhaps regret that she didn't say anything. She told me that whole situation was "messed up".
Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 OP, set your boundary with your wife. It's inappropriate at this juncture for her to be sharing marital business with her female friends and past inappropriately shared marital business is in the past and not to be discussed or mentioned by them to you. Expect this to make her angry. That means you're being effective. Do not talk to her best friend about this. She's irrelevant. Good luck I am not even sure that her and her friend talk about it anymore. My wife said she had told her friend about the situation right after the cheating occurred, but also told me her friend didn't really want to have anything to do with her after it happened. What's weird is that phone records indicated otherwise. I will make it a point in the near future to set this boundary though.
carhill Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Remember, appropriate cordiality with her friend. If you still have some issues with 'forgiving' her for her lack of disclosure, work on those within yourself. The primary focus is your wife and your marriage and appropriate and healthy boundaries moving forward. Your wife can communicate such boundaries to her friends as she sees fit. I've been that friend, except I've heard both 'sides', where both marital partners have had affairs. No one knows nothing and I ain't talking. It's their business and I consistently support it remaining their business. There are no winners in this, only losers. There is nothing to gain by 'sharing the drama'. Hope W's bff gets that memo
Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 You are right. Perhaps if I didn't have some unresolved issues over the whole matter, this wouldn't be that big of a deal in the first place.
carhill Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 If you find yourself to be at a blockage point in an otherwise healthy recovery, try some MC to get through it. Perhaps you can learn some tools to process this dynamic differently and build a more positive path. If you and W are compatible and love each other, the rest is merely finding that proper path to recovery. Best wishes
Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 If you find yourself to be at a blockage point in an otherwise healthy recovery, try some MC to get through it. Perhaps you can learn some tools to process this dynamic differently and build a more positive path. If you and W are compatible and love each other, the rest is merely finding that proper path to recovery. Best wishes It isn't as much as marriage counseling as it is details regarding what happened. Do you think that regarding an affair, that as the betrayed spouse you have to accept the fact that you will never know everything that happened? Thank you for the good wishes.
Church Bells Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Perhaps if I didn't have some unresolved issues over the whole matter, ... THERE is your answer. Sweeping things under the rug ... ignoring the 800# gorilla in the room ... "hoping" things will get better simply doesn't work in these situations. Addressing conflict, rather than avoiding it, is my best advice. REMEMBER, you didn't do anything wrong here, so why are you the one still dealing with "unresolved issues". Address these issues ... deal with them or remove them ... and move on. This is the type of "heavy lifting" that your W should be doing to help you heal from her bad choices, rather than you carrying this burden 2+ years out.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 THERE is your answer. Sweeping things under the rug ... ignoring the 800# gorilla in the room ... "hoping" things will get better simply doesn't work in these situations. Addressing conflict, rather than avoiding it, is my best advice. REMEMBER, you didn't do anything wrong here, so why are you the one still dealing with "unresolved issues". Address these issues ... deal with them or remove them ... and move on. This is the type of "heavy lifting" that your W should be doing to help you heal from her bad choices, rather than you carrying this burden 2+ years out. Trust me, I know I didn't do anything wrong, other than to be naive about the whole ordeal. I'll give you an example of what I am talking about. What I wanted to know is if the dude was in my house. At the time, she had told me that he "showed up" at our house at 1 am, and that she wouldn't let him in. An inspection of the house however (I was on a trip at the time) suggested otherwise. I didn't find anything incriminating, other than the trash was taken out to the curb (it has never been taken to the curb before or after this whole ordeal by her). Over the past year, I have mentioned getting rid of a car that we own (that I know he had ridden in) and I probably got a little emotional when I said I couldn't wait to get rid of that POS car, and that I couldn't stand it. She caught onto it, and had told me that every time I reference the car, it breaks her heart. I don't talk to anybody about this. I have forgiven her, and I feel somewhat petty talking about all this, especially after I have forgiven her. It just creeps me out that I could be sleeping in the same bed and in the same house where some of these activities may have occurred.
carhill Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Do you think that regarding an affair, that as the betrayed spouse you have to accept the fact that you will never know everything that happened? I'm personally a fan of disclosure, and did so in my EA, but I understand and accept that others have a different perspective. If I was to proceed to recovery, I would necessarily accept that it is possible that I wouldn't know 'everything' and still accept the totality of the dynamic. If I couldn't process that, I'd get a D. Part of her 'bend' is to accept your emotional response to certain 'things', like the house and car, and move to support you in resolving that. If that means selling the car/house, OK, so be it. The bed is a no-brainer. Get rid of it. Remember, it's just stuff. Go through a divorce and you'll get a first-hand education about the value of 'stuff'. Great topics for discussion in MC. Hope it works out
Church Bells Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Over the past year, I have mentioned getting rid of a car that we own (that I know he had ridden in) and I probably got a little emotional when I said I couldn't wait to get rid of that POS car, and that I couldn't stand it. She caught onto it, and had told me that every time I reference the car, it breaks her heart. This is ACTIONS vs. WORDS time. She says "it breaks my heart", but did she actually go as far as agree to sell the car to help YOU heal? As far as getting "all" the details. I've come to the conclusion that it simply won't happen. I had my W write out a complete timeline with times, places, actions, encounters, etc. She "claims" that she came completely clean, but I know her "conflict avoiding" ways well enough to believe otherwise. I hate it, but have come to somewhat grudgingly "accept" that for a BH to attempt R, he must acquire a taste for that huge "shi!t sandwich" that he has been fed against his will. From reading the situations of others, I have the "advantage" of having nearly the model FWW ... which helps, but is hardly consolation ... and 3 years out, I still question MYSELF, due to the hidden costs to my self-esteem that I didn't consider when originally evaluating my decision to R. In retrospect, I still "think" I made the right decision in our situation, but the costs to myself were much higher than I ever considered at the time. Now that the dust has somewhat cleared for you too ... possibly these unresolved issues with the car, bed, house and friend have taken on greater value now that other unforseen "hidden" costs are also considered???
JustJoe Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Mal, has it ever occurred to you that maybe your wife's friend is trying to warn you? She may have felt bad about not telling you about the first A, and is trying to give you a head's up about something that is happening now. She mentioned your wife's insecurities and her inability to deal with them. Curious that she would phrase it that way. If I were you, I would be watching her (wife's) behavior and her internet presence, to see if she is back to her old tricks.
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Agreed. It was weird in the way it came up; almost like she had sympathy or perhaps regret that she didn't say anything. She told me that whole situation was "messed up". If she were truly sorry that she didn't tell you, then she had the change to say just that. It seems she was fishing for YOUR reaction in hopes to maybe cause some problems, create drama. This woman is NOT a good friend, she's nosey too. You have every right to not like her.
turnera Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 If you can't be totally honest with your wife, you don't have a healthy marriage. Tell her the truth about how you feel about the affair AND her friend. It's her choice what to do with that information.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Your wife's best friend is your wife's best friend. Not yours. She didn't owe you a report on her infidelity and it sounds like now that you do know, she's offering some advice on how you're blind to some of your wife's real needs. Get over her friend. Tell her thanks for sharing but don't be an a-hole and confront her about loyalties to you. She had and has none and that's her prerogative.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 This is ACTIONS vs. WORDS time. She says "it breaks my heart", but did she actually go as far as agree to sell the car to help YOU heal? As far as getting "all" the details. I've come to the conclusion that it simply won't happen. I had my W write out a complete timeline with times, places, actions, encounters, etc. She "claims" that she came completely clean, but I know her "conflict avoiding" ways well enough to believe otherwise. I hate it, but have come to somewhat grudgingly "accept" that for a BH to attempt R, he must acquire a taste for that huge "shi!t sandwich" that he has been fed against his will. From reading the situations of others, I have the "advantage" of having nearly the model FWW ... which helps, but is hardly consolation ... and 3 years out, I still question MYSELF, due to the hidden costs to my self-esteem that I didn't consider when originally evaluating my decision to R. In retrospect, I still "think" I made the right decision in our situation, but the costs to myself were much higher than I ever considered at the time. Now that the dust has somewhat cleared for you too ... possibly these unresolved issues with the car, bed, house and friend have taken on greater value now that other unforseen "hidden" costs are also considered??? My fault actually, I denied that was the reason why I was complaining about the car. I said the air conditioning sucked. I know what you mean about conflict avoidance, same thing in my situation too. I know she wouldn't tell me likely purely out of shame and further hurt for me.....plus a fear of retaliation in the form of an affair of my own, which I would never do.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Mal, has it ever occurred to you that maybe your wife's friend is trying to warn you? She may have felt bad about not telling you about the first A, and is trying to give you a head's up about something that is happening now. She mentioned your wife's insecurities and her inability to deal with them. Curious that she would phrase it that way. If I were you, I would be watching her (wife's) behavior and her internet presence, to see if she is back to her old tricks. No, it wasn't that kind of a conversation. I am a pretty perceptive fellow, and the reason it was brought up was really random. It wasn't something I felt she meant to bring up, it was linked to another subject. However, I probably said more to her friend than I should have as well......nothing incriminating, but basically a "yeah, it really sucked...." What the hell else was I supposed to say?
Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 If she were truly sorry that she didn't tell you, then she had the change to say just that. It seems she was fishing for YOUR reaction in hopes to maybe cause some problems, create drama. This woman is NOT a good friend, she's nosey too. You have every right to not like her. I know she isn't a good friend, but my wife has been betrayed by many of the good friends she did have growing up. Thanks for the validation I think for the most part I tolerate her pretty well.
Author Maladjusted Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 If you can't be totally honest with your wife, you don't have a healthy marriage. Tell her the truth about how you feel about the affair AND her friend. It's her choice what to do with that information. It's not that I can't be honest with her. I just over-internally debate the value of opening a wound that has begun to mend. I often wonder if it will do me any good to know or not. I know it happened; why should the details be so important?
JustJoe Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 OK, Mal, you know your situation, best. I really don't know what you could have said. Maybe just changing the subject is all you CAN do.
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