Exley Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year or so. We just moved in together about 5 mos ago. We had our own places before then, but she spent most of her time over at my apt anyway...I only stayed over at her place like 3x, because she liked my place better. When we didn't live together, I cleaned my place all the time, did all the dishes, her laundry when she was over, etc. because it was my place and I take pride in keeping things up. I'm not some kind of neat freak, mind you, I just think a mature person understands chores are a "necessary evil". Now that we live together, it seems like she still expects me to keep up "our" place. I still do all the housework, laundry (she's 'started' it 2x in 5 mos., but never finishes it)...she has recently started alternating doing dishes, but she always has to ask me if it is "her turn". Needless to say, it is starting to get on my nerves...since we're both in our early 20s (I'm 24, she's 23), I think we should both be adult enough to take care of "our" space, without the other person being a "parent". This is especially due to the fact that before we got together--we were friends for awhile at school before we started dating--she used to bitch about her ex being an absolute lazy pig...not cleaning, leaving his dirty clothes all over, etc. In fact, it was one of the core reasons she cited for breaking up with him. I know this seems a little ass-backwards, since I'm used to hearing women complain about their SO's not helping out around the house, cooking, etc. But how do I address this with her? We're both headed to grad school in the Fall and I don't want this to "move" with us. I'm also concerned that this irresponsibility will spill into other areas in our future...thanks.
RedRussian Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Error #1 ( We just moved in together about 5 mos ago ) Error # 2 ( I cleaned my place all the time, did all the dishes, her laundry when she was over, etc.) I bet it was her dishes among other things. So you became a house beeach in her eyes, you spoiled her rotten and now asking why she is so spoiled. Most people hate in others what they can't admit they have it them selves. (ex being an absolute lazy pig...not cleaning,) I only stayed over at her place like 3x, because she liked my place better. Sure she would, because her place looked like a crapper I bet... She will be a bad wife who is selfish, immature and spoiled, who used to YOU doing all the work in the house and after a wile she will lose respect for you because of cleaning her dirty undies and cleaning up after her will get old. She will be like a kid for you to take care of, and she will find some guy sooner or later who will be a slob and will make her do all the work, she will respect him for it and that is why her EX WAS SAME WAY! he was same way when they met and broke up so you know she likes men like that. For what ever reason they broke up it could not have been sole reason of him acting like her...
Confusedalways Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 No, you're definitely NOT being unreasonable. Nobody- man or woman- should have to do ALL the household chores. That's outrageous. I think you need to just sit down and talk to her about it. Without accusations and in a non fighting sort of tone. Offer solutions instead of pointing fingers. This isn't fair to you, at all.
stace79 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Definitely address this now, as it will only eat at you more as time goes on. I suggest sitting down and talking to her when you're NOT irritated by it or in the heat of an argument. Then just express to her that you feel you've been doing more than your fair share of the work around the house. Maybe you can create a checklist or calendar on the fridge to let you know whose "turn" it is to do dishes or take out the garbage. My ex and I used to do our own laundry when living together.
Author Exley Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Well, I'm glad to hear from others that I'm not being unreasonable. I'll definitely try to have a measured discussion with her over the weekend or something. Today definitely isn't the day, since in between working in my home office, I've been doing laundry...while she does important stuff, you know, like watch TV...and we have TiVo...grrr... @RedRussian - On error #1 - I take it you think 6 mos. of dating is too soon to move in together? I'm can definitely see your point on Error #2 - I just created a beast, so to speak. I guess my intent -- as wrong-headed as it was -- was just to continue to keep my place as I had been. I should've taken the fact that she never offered to help as a bigger red flag. @stace79 - While I appreciate your suggestion, I don't think I can do the whole "chore wheel" thing. My stepdad used to have one of these on the fridge for us kids...but that was when we were 6. And, quite honestly, I don't think she'd take any more note to it than she does a laundry hamper full of clothes.
Mimolicious Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 You are not being unreasonable. She is a slob. Imagine when a baby comes into the pic...
Els Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I would just designate 'my dishes/SO's dishes', 'my laundry/SO's laundry'... you get the idea. Some people are just lazy, and of the mindset that 'if someone's gonna do it before I even notice it's dirty, why bother?'. It's easier to fall into than you might think, especially for people who have always been taken care of by others before. They're not necessarily horrible people to live with for life... sometimes they just need to learn to grow up. So. Leave her laundry alone. Leave her dishes alone. Shove them into a corner where they won't bother you. Eventually she'll run out of them and she'll start learning what she should do.
Mimolicious Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I agree with Elswyth. Don't do her share for a few and see how much of the mess she ignores. (I know is hard for people with some mild OCD about cleanlinless but suck it up for a bit. LOL!)
stace79 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 @stace79 - While I appreciate your suggestion, I don't think I can do the whole "chore wheel" thing. My stepdad used to have one of these on the fridge for us kids...but that was when we were 6. And, quite honestly, I don't think she'd take any more note to it than she does a laundry hamper full of clothes. Haha... I actually feel like you do about a "chore list" or calendar. My ex suggested that, and it irked me. He claimed he just "wouldn't remember" to empty the trash or something as often as I do. My opinion is, you're an adult -- if the trash reached the lid and you can no longer close it, take it out and put in another bag. But alas, not all of us grew up with parents who taught us how to take care of ourselves and our homes. Unfortunately, this may be a sign she's not the right person. Depends if you can "tolerate" her messier ways. I couldn't and ended it with my slobby ex.
that girl Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Was her place a mess before you moved in together? Some posters are assuming she's a natural slob, is that true? I have a feeling that she might assume you are naturally a neat freak, so she doesn't realize she needs to pitch in. Lots of guys make this same wrong headed assumption, which is why everyone should discuss chores as soon as they think about moving in. I would start by making a list of everything that you do around the house. Just so you have a clear idea of exactly what you are doing. Then approach her to talk about the division of housework and how you feel you are doing more than your fair share. Give her a chance to bring up what she does. I doubt she does loads, but sometimes people are doing things you don't even notice and this makes sure she feels it is a conversation rather than an attack. Then start coming up with a way you can share work and both be happy.
Author Exley Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 @that girl - The few times I did stay over at her apt, I did notice things that seemed slobbish. When I asked her about them, she'd just say, "Oh yeah, I didn't get around to taking care of that. I'm never here, you know." Which, if I'd of been smarter, I'd of listened to the voice in my head screaming RED FLAG. I don't know how she could assume I'm a neat freak...I don't think seeing a full hamper of clothes, the bathroom sink growing a beard, a kitchen sink full of dirty dishes, the trash so full the lid won't close, or an inch of dust on the entertainment center and thinking to one's self, "I should clean/empty that" (without going "is it my turn?") is too much of a stretch for an adult. Like I said, the same kinds of things she complained about her ex not helping with are the things I'm complaining about her not doing now. I'd think after enduring that, she'd appreciate the fact that she has someone who isn't sitting on their ass playing PS3 all day and intuitively pitches in. By her not doing that, it's just supporting my thought that she outright lied to me, and she was no better than her ex about keeping things up.
Els Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Have you even considered any of our suggestions instead of just letting it bug you?
carhill Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 she used to bitch about her ex being an absolute lazy pig Yep, classic projection. So, you've got seven months left on the lease? If you can afford the lease yourself, enforce some firm boundaries. Expect that this will anger her (see above for how she will share this with others). Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll leave. Maybe she'll 'change'. In any event, resolve to not live with a woman until you know her a whole bunch better. Be mindful of my first observation. Projection is a biggie. Very unhealthy. Good luck
Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 She's acting like a princess, and you're treating her like one. At this point, it would be passive-aggressive to just stop doing more than your share of the chores without discussing it, though, so you need to talk about it. Accept nothing less than a 50/50 split of chores.
that girl Posted June 13, 2010 Posted June 13, 2010 I wouldn't jump to "she lied to me!" You said yourself she was messy before you moved in together. It is possible she is kitchen sink full of dishes dirty and her ex was actual garbage strewn around type of messy. But you need to talk to her. Until you do that, you don't know if this is fixable.
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