Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Hello! I am doing pretty okay, miss my xMM a lot, but am less shocked now and find myself hoping he's okay and happy etc. I realise I'll live and the sun still comes up, goes down, the grass grows, I still have work to do, etc. But I still have this tiny stupid faith that 'it'll work out' for us. I sent him a final email at the start of this week, am SO glad I did as certain things were burning a hole in my brain! When I ended things before he left his phone off and didn't log in to his emails, was ill and just went in to this catatonic-like state!! Oh, until I phoned him at work, to see how he was. Within 2 days he'd told his wife he was leaving and had sorted somewhere to live... Needless to say he didn't move out. There was no D-day in our relationship; he'd set a moving-out day and that was my personal limit, for everyone's sake. If he didn't move out I'd be gone. I just wonder if everyone expects their xMM to come back to them? Just hoping it's the norm I guess...
TinaniT Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I'm sure that expectation is common, in any relationship where you love someone and it ends. Congrats on your strength to end it when you reached a point where it was hurting you and your strength moving forward.
jthorne Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 No, sorry. When any relationship ends, be it romantic, business, etc- I consider it dead and move on from there.
Fieldsofgold Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 There have been times when I held on to a faint hope that somehow things would work out. You're still early on in the NC. AND while you ended it, it wasn't because you wanted to - You did it because realistically you felt it was for the best. I think that makes a difference. I am really proud of how well you are doing. I can't wait for the day you post that you are singing in the shower again! Stay strong.
Pink_orchid Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Well done for being strong SG. I'll tell you a little of my goings on. Do you know what I find frustrating about my situation, he (MM) is showing signs of missing me, trying to get my attention, trying to get my interest. I laughed out loud yesterday at something he did, I won't go into detail at what it was, but it was something online in a website we are both in and go on to daily. It was nice. Made me smile. HE ended it (the affair or whatever), his marriage was at crunch point, and he wanted to stay friends and still email me and I didn't want to (too painful), so I went no contact two months ago. I found it terribly hard after daily contact and I've broken NC several times - only intermittently, two weeks in between messages and so on - not all the time or anything. He started to respond. I've had three or four messages off him. But the last time I was cross with myself, I thought NO I shouldn't be chasing him, or responding to him. He hasn't mentioned the marriage or the affair or anything, in fact he said let's NOT talk about that, he couldn't deal with it, WTF is that all about? I haven't bothered to keep it going since. I now have some clear evidence that he's bothered by my apparent indifference. I don't know what to think, yes I still hope for a future... no contact didn't change that... but all the weeks in between have somehow moved the 'old' relationship out of the way. The exchanges between us have been a lot more upbeat. I am almost acting as though I couldn't really care one way or the other whether I hear from him or not (I do care of course). So what do you think guys, is he coming forward? He knows that NO WAY would I entertain anything than doing things properly, I don't want an affair, I want to be together properly. I think that's what I want. I am beginning to doubt my own feelings for him!! When they let you down and act like a$$clowns eventually you start to wonder if they're worth it!! You sound like you are getting to this point too SG?! SG, I don't know what the future holds for you, but no contact, as agonising as it is at first, really does help you get some perspective. Look at me, two months ago I thought I couldn't live without him. But I can. If I am honest, I do hope he comes back and wants to talk (properly) and he leaves the marriage. But if he doesn't I am stronger each day and so will you be. Also the break in contact, should it resume, does seem to help wash away all the push/pull and calm the waters. And make you realise you deserve more, I mean I always knew I deserved more and that's why I was putting my foot down and saying this can't carry on, make a choice, hence he ended it but I was consumed with it all and trying to get him to see me, contact me, when he was tailing off. And I feel better that I am not doing that now. Do you think you'll want to contact him? I know I struggled with it (NC). And have you got a plan in mind if he does come back and want to speak with you? Let us know how you are doing. Also, what did you say in your final email.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 There have been times when I held on to a faint hope that somehow things would work out. You're still early on in the NC. AND while you ended it, it wasn't because you wanted to - You did it because realistically you felt it was for the best. I think that makes a difference. I am really proud of how well you are doing. I can't wait for the day you post that you are singing in the shower again! Stay strong. Thank you so much FoG. I really mean that.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Well done for being strong SG. I'll tell you a little of my goings on. Do you know what I find frustrating about my situation, he (MM) is showing signs of missing me, trying to get my attention, trying to get my interest. I laughed out loud yesterday at something he did, I won't go into detail at what it was, but it was something online in a website we are both in and go on to daily. It was nice. Made me smile. HE ended it (the affair or whatever), his marriage was at crunch point, and he wanted to stay friends and still email me and I didn't want to (too painful), so I went no contact two months ago. I found it terribly hard after daily contact and I've broken NC several times - only intermittently, two weeks in between messages and so on - not all the time or anything. He started to respond. I've had three or four messages off him. But the last time I was cross with myself, I thought NO I shouldn't be chasing him, or responding to him. He hasn't mentioned the marriage or the affair or anything, in fact he said let's NOT talk about that, he couldn't deal with it, WTF is that all about? I haven't bothered to keep it going since. I now have some clear evidence that he's bothered by my apparent indifference. I don't know what to think, yes I still hope for a future... no contact didn't change that... but all the weeks in between have somehow moved the 'old' relationship out of the way. The exchanges between us have been a lot more upbeat. I am almost acting as though I couldn't really care one way or the other whether I hear from him or not (I do care of course). So what do you think guys, is he coming forward? He knows that NO WAY would I entertain anything than doing things properly, I don't want an affair, I want to be together properly. I think that's what I want. I am beginning to doubt my own feelings for him!! When they let you down and act like a$$clowns eventually you start to wonder if they're worth it!! You sound like you are getting to this point too SG?! SG, I don't know what the future holds for you, but no contact, as agonising as it is at first, really does help you get some perspective. Look at me, two months ago I thought I couldn't live without him. But I can. If I am honest, I do hope he comes back and wants to talk (properly) and he leaves the marriage. But if he doesn't I am stronger each day and so will you be. Also the break in contact, should it resume, does seem to help wash away all the push/pull and calm the waters. And make you realise you deserve more, I mean I always knew I deserved more and that's why I was putting my foot down and saying this can't carry on, make a choice, hence he ended it but I was consumed with it all and trying to get him to see me, contact me, when he was tailing off. And I feel better that I am not doing that now. Do you think you'll want to contact him? I know I struggled with it (NC). And have you got a plan in mind if he does come back and want to speak with you? Let us know how you are doing. Also, what did you say in your final email. I do find it hard to understand where you are. That an effort from him made you smile, I suppose the rawness eases. And it's really nice that you DO smile at such things. It's heartening to know you still have hope for a happy ending. I didn't know if I should be slapping my forehead Homer-style 'Doh!'. I'm the same as you, don't want an affair at all (although there's times of the day and night I think I'd settle for ANYTHING!!!). The way I am feeling it's as though the strong, resilient person is coming out more, and growing every day, but the faith doesn't get smaller, and neither does it grow (which is good). It's just there. I know it's so bloody corny, but one of the conversations we had made MM cry and he said 'I can't let you go, you're a part of me, I wouldn't be whole without you'. I bet they all say that!!! But it's how I feel even now, as though that's still there, even though he isn't. Crazy maybe. And then, as you say you wonder if they're worth the effort, when I see him through the eyes of his wife, I wouldn't want him, seriously!!! If I were her and he was him there wouldn't be an us. Same as you, if he doesn't come back saying his marriage is over, it is no longer the end of my world. This time has enabled me to see just how much I was consumed by what was going to happen, and when, and why and.... all sorts. I look back and wonder how on earth I turned in to that person!! I don't like her much. And yes, I hung on more at the end, and definitely lost perspective. I will want to contact him. I do want to contact him. Right now. But I can't. I need him to come back to me (if at all) not me to push. I believe to some degree he opted for the path of least resistance, and I don't want to be that... pushing him in to something. I want him to actively choose, and to leave his wife because they don't have a future, not because he can't bear to give me up (or I'm on his case), if that makes sense? If he gets in touch? I am certain I don't even want to be friends if he's with his wife. I'm lying, of course, but it wouldn't be healthy for me. Or him. Or his marriage. If he gets in touch (I decided this earlier today!) I should leave it 24 hours before responding; post on here, canvass my angry best friends, and think about what he has to say. As for your situation, it sounds so scary to me. Because he misses you but isn't coming to you with something. God, it's hard isn't it? Is it unhealthy because it's potentially reverting to how things were (very slowly) or positive because he's feeling his way and perhaps there's more. I hope things work out for YOU Pink. And thanks for sharing. I have a friend who has experience with MM but so very, very different to mine that it's sometimes hard to open up.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Let us know how you are doing. Also, what did you say in your final email. Ah, I missed this. My email was long, but in summary I said that I had decided that I couldn't bring myself to believe he was a player, I had to believe all the things we'd said and done were real. And I'd treasure those memories. That I didn't think he and his wife should settle in their relationship, for either of their sakes, and that they should get some professional help to give them a good shot at a 'proper' relationship (they refer to their marriage as 'unconventional'), or give each other a chance to find that 'special someone'. I said I forgave him for not being ready to leave, despite telling me he would. I said I couldn't be involved in cheating any more, but if he decides he wants a real relationship with me, to get in touch. And that I love him.
Passion4Life Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Well done for being strong SG. I'll tell you a little of my goings on. Do you know what I find frustrating about my situation, he (MM) is showing signs of missing me, trying to get my attention, trying to get my interest. I laughed out loud yesterday at something he did, I won't go into detail at what it was, but it was something online in a website we are both in and go on to daily. It was nice. Made me smile. HE ended it (the affair or whatever), his marriage was at crunch point, and he wanted to stay friends and still email me and I didn't want to (too painful), so I went no contact two months ago. I found it terribly hard after daily contact and I've broken NC several times - only intermittently, two weeks in between messages and so on - not all the time or anything. He started to respond. I've had three or four messages off him. But the last time I was cross with myself, I thought NO I shouldn't be chasing him, or responding to him. He hasn't mentioned the marriage or the affair or anything, in fact he said let's NOT talk about that, he couldn't deal with it, WTF is that all about? I haven't bothered to keep it going since. I now have some clear evidence that he's bothered by my apparent indifference. I don't know what to think, yes I still hope for a future... no contact didn't change that... but all the weeks in between have somehow moved the 'old' relationship out of the way. The exchanges between us have been a lot more upbeat. I am almost acting as though I couldn't really care one way or the other whether I hear from him or not (I do care of course). So what do you think guys, is he coming forward? He knows that NO WAY would I entertain anything than doing things properly, I don't want an affair, I want to be together properly. I think that's what I want. I am beginning to doubt my own feelings for him!! When they let you down and act like a$$clowns eventually you start to wonder if they're worth it!! You sound like you are getting to this point too SG?! SG, I don't know what the future holds for you, but no contact, as agonising as it is at first, really does help you get some perspective. Look at me, two months ago I thought I couldn't live without him. But I can. If I am honest, I do hope he comes back and wants to talk (properly) and he leaves the marriage. But if he doesn't I am stronger each day and so will you be. Also the break in contact, should it resume, does seem to help wash away all the push/pull and calm the waters. And make you realise you deserve more, I mean I always knew I deserved more and that's why I was putting my foot down and saying this can't carry on, make a choice, hence he ended it but I was consumed with it all and trying to get him to see me, contact me, when he was tailing off. And I feel better that I am not doing that now. Do you think you'll want to contact him? I know I struggled with it (NC). And have you got a plan in mind if he does come back and want to speak with you? Let us know how you are doing. Also, what did you say in your final email. But I can. If I am honest, I do hope he comes back and wants to talk (properly) and he leaves the marriage Pink_orchid , can't you find someone who doesn't have to break up his faimly & kids , to be with you ? Dont you think hoping he leaves his marriage to come back to you is simply selfish ? best of luck
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 But I can. If I am honest, I do hope he comes back and wants to talk (properly) and he leaves the marriage Pink_orchid , can't you find someone who doesn't have to break up his faimly & kids , to be with you ? Dont you think hoping he leaves his marriage to come back to you is simply selfish ? best of luck I know I'm not Pink Orchid but on my own part, I feel my xMM is settling, he is going for the easy option through fear and habit. I feel it's selfish of him to stay and not allow his wife to meet someone who will fulfil her, who has her interests at heart, who will be exclusive to her. And I said this to him. The same as when my xMM's wife got dumped and returned home I think it was selfish of her because nothing changed, and no efforts were made to rebuild the marriage, they decided to 'live with' things as they were. So I think the affairs (on both parts) will continue in a cycle. And because I believe those things fully I was prepared to support my xMM in leaving his marriage to be with me. Which isn't what happened.
scatterd Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 MM is selfish and what makes you think he would not be settling with you also.He married her and made a commitment in front of god.It had to be love to begin with what makes you think he would not do the same to you.Im sure he rewrote history.Dont you want your own man to love you.I would not settle for seconds.His wife is being hurt and you make demands for him to leave.You could end up on the other side which is not fun.Allot of times men go through the change of life their selfs why settle.good luck
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 MM is selfish and what makes you think he would not be settling with you also.He married her and made a commitment in front of god.It had to be love to begin with what makes you think he would not do the same to you.Im sure he rewrote history.Dont you want your own man to love you.I would not settle for seconds.His wife is being hurt and you make demands for him to leave.You could end up on the other side which is not fun.Allot of times men go through the change of life their selfs why settle.good luck Only he can know whether it would have been settling. I married, and meant EVERY WORD of my vows. But I did not forsee the changes which would happen to both of us. And how love could differ in different situations. His wife isn't being hurt, she doesn't know, she left him first because she was desperately unhappy, and since returning has said she is so unhappy it's made her depressed. Not every situation is a pre-written formula. And no, the other side isn't fun. Been there.
silverplanets Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Ah, I missed this. My email was long, but in summary I said that I had decided that I couldn't bring myself to believe he was a player, I had to believe all the things we'd said and done were real. And I'd treasure those memories. That I didn't think he and his wife should settle in their relationship, for either of their sakes, and that they should get some professional help to give them a good shot at a 'proper' relationship (they refer to their marriage as 'unconventional'), or give each other a chance to find that 'special someone'. I said I forgave him for not being ready to leave, despite telling me he would. I said I couldn't be involved in cheating any more, but if he decides he wants a real relationship with me, to get in touch. And that I love him. HI SG, I'm pleased you sent the email for yourself. It took me ages to actually go NC with xMW ... and I won't bore you with the number of summing up/closing it off emails I sent, so know how it feels. Just posting really to say hope it's going as well as it can do ... which is pretty naff at times I know. Hang in there Chris
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Thank you SP. I am not always 100% with the whole 'posting in a public forum for emotional support' type stuff, but you and some others have really helped me, and made me feel welcome, and I am probably more grateful than I can really explain here. But thank you. It's sad there's so many of us in a similar position, wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I'm glad to have found somewhere where people understand. It's hard to find people who 'get' the whole thing.
2sunny Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 if you sent a final letter - i'm wondering why you are expecting to hear from him? didn't you tell him it was over? he most likely took your word for what you stated...
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 if you sent a final letter - i'm wondering why you are expecting to hear from him? didn't you tell him it was over? he most likely took your word for what you stated... Amongst other things I told him while he had a relationship with his wife, and she had reason to believe there was a future for them, I wanted nothing more to do with him. To my mind that reads: I love you, you love me, you said your marriage was difficult and tense, you have no sex life and you two never connected properly; it was like a role play - one playing at husband, one playing at wife. Come and be happy with meeeeee... Hhmmmm. Maybe it didn't read that But I feel some sort of faith that after what we shared he would return to his wife and be unable to continue with that relationship. I hoped others had felt the same at times, and that this feeling was due to the dynamic and the experience, and not because I'm a stoopid-head who saw a million times more than was ever actually there.
2sunny Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 read other threads here - MM say one thing to YOU all the time - and another thing to the W at the same time. he lies = to be sure he gets everything he wants. to keep you in the same position to stay with his W to keep his reputation and image he most likely will come running back - but only with a very weak offer of resuming your original position. i hope you never accept that unless his divorce is FINAL... that way you truly know he intended to be with you and his actions proved he is capable of being available by divorcing. in the meantime - get busy living and being happy... for YOU.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 read other threads here - MM say one thing to YOU all the time - and another thing to the W at the same time. he lies = to be sure he gets everything he wants. to keep you in the same position to stay with his W to keep his reputation and image he most likely will come running back - but only with a very weak offer of resuming your original position. i hope you never accept that unless his divorce is FINAL... that way you truly know he intended to be with you and his actions proved he is capable of being available by divorcing. in the meantime - get busy living and being happy... for YOU. I know that's the stereotype of the MM. I'm happy to be mocked for saying I don't believe that of my MM, I refute that he played me and never intended to leave. But I totally respect why that is the widely-held belief, it's not on a whim, it's from experience. If he wanted to play me I think he'd have been in touch, his wife never knew about me and he could probably have tried to get me back 'on side'. And maybe he'd have convinced me. You're right, in that living for *me* is what is important. Absolutely. I'm heading for that. I've taken some steps to put myself back on track and to take the focus off losing 'the love of my life'. Thanks.
silverplanets Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I know that's the stereotype of the MM. I'm happy to be mocked for saying I don't believe that of my MM, I refute that he played me and never intended to leave. But I totally respect why that is the widely-held belief, it's not on a whim, it's from experience. If he wanted to play me I think he'd have been in touch, his wife never knew about me and he could probably have tried to get me back 'on side'. And maybe he'd have convinced me. You're right, in that living for *me* is what is important. Absolutely. I'm heading for that. I've taken some steps to put myself back on track and to take the focus off losing 'the love of my life'. Thanks. It's OK to still love him, it's ok to still have feelings ... in fact I would imagine it would be odd if you didn't It's ok that you can think good of him as well, and ok to think bad things if you ever get times of that as well Imho it's ok and good to feel all of these things, ok to miss them, ok to cry etc etc .. again, it would be odd not to. It's extra super dippy do ok to be focusing on yourself as well, in whatever ways you can ... and the same for focusing on your son :)
2sunny Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I know that's the stereotype of the MM. I'm happy to be mocked for saying I don't believe that of my MM, I refute that he played me and never intended to leave. But I totally respect why that is the widely-held belief, it's not on a whim, it's from experience. If he wanted to play me I think he'd have been in touch, his wife never knew about me and he could probably have tried to get me back 'on side'. And maybe he'd have convinced me. You're right, in that living for *me* is what is important. Absolutely. I'm heading for that. I've taken some steps to put myself back on track and to take the focus off losing 'the love of my life'. Thanks. i'm not in any way mocking... i've been here enough years and seen enough circumstances to understand that he's not the man you think he is... glad you're taking care of you!
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 i'm not in any way mocking... i've been here enough years and seen enough circumstances to understand that he's not the man you think he is... glad you're taking care of you! I have given it a lot of thought, and spoken to friends who knew him for almost as long as I did, and I don't think he's the man I feel others here have been happy to label him as, but he also sure isn't the man I thought he was 3 months ago!!
jj33 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 You are definitelt not alone. I did for the longest time. He encouraged me to believe it and I think he even believed it on some level. Dont hook yourself on that. In a few (very few) cases it does happen. But continuing to believe it doesnt make it happen and it keeps you stuck on some level. You are doing great. Take good care
Fieldsofgold Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I have given it a lot of thought, and spoken to friends who knew him for almost as long as I did, and I don't think he's the man I feel others here have been happy to label him as, but he also sure isn't the man I thought he was 3 months ago!! As y'all would say, I think this is "spot on."
bittersweet memories Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 (edited) I know that's the stereotype of the MM. I'm happy to be mocked for saying I don't believe that of my MM, I refute that he played me and never intended to leave. But I totally respect why that is the widely-held belief, it's not on a whim, it's from experience. If he wanted to play me I think he'd have been in touch, his wife never knew about me and he could probably have tried to get me back 'on side'. And maybe he'd have convinced me. You're right, in that living for *me* is what is important. Absolutely. I'm heading for that. I've taken some steps to put myself back on track and to take the focus off losing 'the love of my life'. Thanks. Maybe he wasn't in touch because he wasn't that into you as much as you think. He did not want you back on the side.. He played had fun and got what he wanted and said see ya... Just being honest... Edited June 11, 2010 by bittersweet memories
califnan Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I have given it a lot of thought, and spoken to friends who knew him for almost as long as I did, and I don't think he's the man I feel others here have been happy to label him as, but he also sure isn't the man I thought he was 3 months ago!! -------------------- SG .. Of course they seem like nice men - and excepting for using the OW and cheating on their wives .. maybe they are nice men - on the surface. But the bottom line is .. the Relationship itself - is what is the poison - and it wastes your life .. Time wasted on a relationship that isn't going anywhere - or Isn't meant to be .. is time too long .. A relationship that makes a woman feel less than what she is - is a waste.. When I was to be married, both of us were on the same accord - we were happy and high .. That is how it Should be when it is right..
Recommended Posts