My parents may turn there back on me I need other parents

[Rai]

Im 21 my ex is 23. I got with him in sept '05 and have had our good times and bad times. Just over a year ago we wer drunk arguing over something so silly I cant even remember what it was I kept the argument going when I should of just left it and eventually he pushed me and i landed on the floor smacking off the bed on the way ended up with a big bruise on my arm. Anyway it all ended and i went to sleep bla bla. The next day I got in the car with my dad and he noticed the bruise (which i hadnt at the time) and asked me what happened I never lie so told the truth and he freaked out told me if I ever went back that was it between me and my parents. So never going against them thats what I did (not because I wanted to but because they did) He never ever pushed, hit, touched be in any abusive way before he never really even said hurtful things to me even tho we have had worse arguments than this one.

 

Hes not perfect but to me he is. Anyways I broke up with him for about 9 r 10 months (never lost contact with him) I still loved him and im sure he still loved me as we still spoke alot stil by text and phone and he sent me a goodnight msg every night with out fail he never lost interest r stopped begging me back.. I tried to move on but still couldnt get him outta my head maybe because i never really cut all ties to him i dunno, In march I started seeing him again behind my parents back and 3 weeks ago we immigrated from Ireland to Canada it broke my heart leaving him. I thought being here would help me get over him. But I know I definately want to be with him im 100% willing to take the chance on him he is prepared to move here or els i will go back there. Maybe i am a fool, I know this but no matter what i know i want him.

 

I just dont know how to tell my parents they are the best in the world and i usually never ever go behind ther backs, but the thing is he either comes here or I go back there one r the other. How do I get my parents to give him another chance or how do I just not get them to turn against me. I love them both so much and dont want them to hurt. If someone could advise me on the best way of putting this to them or tell me what you think is my besty option (i know alot of you wil think im stupid and say never take him back that i should walk away, but i know i am defintely want to take him back, but dont think i could ever bare the thought of loosin my parents). Sorry this is so long i tried to make it as simple as possible... Rai xxx

[turnera]

I would tell him to come over to Canada and come for a visit - to talk to your parents. Let HIM tell what happened, let him get to know them, let him ask them what he can do to prove himself to them.

[Rai]

thanks for replying, I suppose that wud be the best option but me parents are so stubborn they probably would have none of this.. maye he could just come,i dont know. it would be alot of money wasted if they were just to reject him.. im prepared for them to say i told you so if it dosent work out, i cant help giving him another chance it will kill me asking my self what if, if i dont give him a chance..

[Woggle]

You are a 21 year old adult so you should live your life the way you want to do. They have their reasons for feeling the way they do but in the end it is your choice. At your age you should be starting to stand on your own and not rely on your parents anyway.

[turnera]

thanks for replying, I suppose that wud be the best option but me parents are so stubborn they probably would have none of this.. maye he could just come,i dont know. it would be alot of money wasted if they were just to reject him.. im prepared for them to say i told you so if it dosent work out, i cant help giving him another chance it will kill me asking my self what if, if i dont give him a chance..

The worst thing we people do is ASSume what others will do. We are not them. Don't make decisions based on what you don't know. Don't throw away your parents without trying to do the right thing first, ok?

[Rai]

thats true but im living under there roof at the min so its there rules, its also ther choice to turn ther back on me.. i jus dont want this to happen..

[Rai]

The worst thing we people do is ASSume what others will do. We are not them. Don't make decisions based on what you don't know. Don't throw away your parents without trying to do the right thing first, ok?

 

Thats the thing I dont know how to go about telling them. I know how much they are against this i really hate being here feeling like this. Im 21 and trying to start my own life and i know its him i want in my life, but also want my parents. i just have the feeling its going to be one or the other

[2sure]

Just over a year ago we wer drunk arguing over something so silly I cant even remember what it was I kept the argument going when I should of just left itand eventually he pushed me and i landed on the floor smacking off the bed on the way ended up with a big bruise on my arm.

 

You are not only justifying the fact that he pushed you hard enough to knock you down...you are blaming yourself!!

 

Thats the kind of thing submissive victims say regarding their relationships. I dont mean to jump all over it necessarily, but your parents may see something about this that you do not.

 

Anyway, you are 21. Dependent on your parents and living with them. Your BF is in another country overseas. Until you can support yourself or he can support himself in either country....whats the difference? If your parents say ok , you can talk to him...its still up to you to find airfare , travel expenses, accomodation....can either of you do that?

[turnera]

Thats the thing I dont know how to go about telling them. I know how much they are against this i really hate being here feeling like this. Im 21 and trying to start my own life and i know its him i want in my life, but also want my parents. i just have the feeling its going to be one or the other

Well, you won't want to hear this, as I'm sure you feel you're a full-grown adult now, but you aren't done maturing yet or changing. Everything you experience in the next few years is going to change who you are; it's what young adults do - one stage is high school, one is college age, another is when you strike out on your own. Each of these periods molds you, informs you, helps you develop your core beliefs and wants and needs.

 

If you were my daughter, regardless of who this guy is, I would be pushing like crazy for you to slow down and focus on your life, for now. You have PLENTY of time in the future to be together. If he loves you truly, he will love you in six months, when you can go visit him for holidays or something.

 

Give it some time, ok? There is nothing saying you HAVE to be with him this very instant. That's your body's mating chemicals talking, not your brain. Take some time and focus on your new life in Canada. Give it a chance; see if you like it there. See what you want out of life that doesn't involve being with a man. Your life should be SO much more than just someone's partner. Take some time and look at all the rest the world has to offer you; if he loves you, he can wait.

[fooled once]

Im 21 my ex is 23. I got with him in sept '05 and have had our good times and bad times. Just over a year ago we wer drunk arguing over something so silly I cant even remember what it was I kept the argument going when I should of just left it and eventually he pushed me and i landed on the floor smacking off the bed on the way ended up with a big bruise on my arm. Anyway it all ended and i went to sleep bla bla. The next day I got in the car with my dad and he noticed the bruise (which i hadnt at the time) and asked me what happened I never lie so told the truth and he freaked out told me if I ever went back that was it between me and my parents. So never going against them thats what I did (not because I wanted to but because they did) He never ever pushed, hit, touched be in any abusive way before he never really even said hurtful things to me even tho we have had worse arguments than this one.

 

Hes not perfect but to me he is. Anyways I broke up with him for about 9 r 10 months (never lost contact with him) I still loved him and im sure he still loved me as we still spoke alot stil by text and phone and he sent me a goodnight msg every night with out fail he never lost interest r stopped begging me back.. I tried to move on but still couldnt get him outta my head maybe because i never really cut all ties to him i dunno, In march I started seeing him again behind my parents back and 3 weeks ago we immigrated from Ireland to Canada it broke my heart leaving him. I thought being here would help me get over him. But I know I definately want to be with him im 100% willing to take the chance on him he is prepared to move here or els i will go back there. Maybe i am a fool, I know this but no matter what i know i want him.

 

I just dont know how to tell my parents they are the best in the world and i usually never ever go behind ther backs, but the thing is he either comes here or I go back there one r the other. How do I get my parents to give him another chance or how do I just not get them to turn against me. I love them both so much and dont want them to hurt. If someone could advise me on the best way of putting this to them or tell me what you think is my besty option (i know alot of you wil think im stupid and say never take him back that i should walk away, but i know i am defintely want to take him back, but dont think i could ever bare the thought of loosin my parents). Sorry this is so long i tried to make it as simple as possible... Rai xxx

 

So if you had a daughter and you found out her boyfriend shoved her hard enough to cause injury, you would be okay with her dating him again?

 

He has to be the only boyfriend you have had since you started dating him when you were 16. He won't be the only boyfriend you ever have because I can basically guarantee you this relationship will not last and by the time you are 25, you will either be in love with someone else or have loved at least 1 other person (boy).

 

You are way too young to be tying yourself down to 1 guy. LIVE and enjoy life!! You have only been away from him 3 weeks - you aren't even giving yourself time to enjoy the new area and the new life. You are too busy with trying to plot to be with this guy.

 

Give yourself 6 months to get yourself going on YOUR life. Go to school, get a job, start making YOUR life. How long do you plan to live with your parents?

 

I KNOW it seems like the end of the world, we have ALL been there. It isn't the end. The sun still comes out and life goes on. But you are allowing it all to pass you by.

 

You need to date around. You need to make SURE this is the boy for you -- or else you will find yourself possibly regretting settling down so soon and NOT exploring other options. This could lead to you cheating on him.

 

So put the relationship on hold for 6 months - take a break. IF it is meant to be, it will be...but it can wait.

 

Well, you won't want to hear this, as I'm sure you feel you're a full-grown adult now, but you aren't done maturing yet or changing. Everything you experience in the next few years is going to change who you are; it's what young adults do - one stage is high school, one is college age, another is when you strike out on your own. Each of these periods molds you, informs you, helps you develop your core beliefs and wants and needs.

 

If you were my daughter, regardless of who this guy is, I would be pushing like crazy for you to slow down and focus on your life, for now. You have PLENTY of time in the future to be together. If he loves you truly, he will love you in six months, when you can go visit him for holidays or something.

 

Give it some time, ok? There is nothing saying you HAVE to be with him this very instant. That's your body's mating chemicals talking, not your brain. Take some time and focus on your new life in Canada. Give it a chance; see if you like it there. See what you want out of life that doesn't involve being with a man. Your life should be SO much more than just someone's partner. Take some time and look at all the rest the world has to offer you; if he loves you, he can wait.

 

LOL - I didn't even read your post before I posted my thoughts and we both had very similar thoughts!!

 

Listen to turnera! Very good advise!!

[Rai]

So if you had a daughter and you found out her boyfriend shoved her hard enough to cause injury, you would be okay with her dating him again?

 

He has to be the only boyfriend you have had since you started dating him when you were 16. He won't be the only boyfriend you ever have because I can basically guarantee you this relationship will not last and by the time you are 25, you will either be in love with someone else or have loved at least 1 other person (boy).

 

You are way too young to be tying yourself down to 1 guy. LIVE and enjoy life!! You have only been away from him 3 weeks - you aren't even giving yourself time to enjoy the new area and the new life. You are too busy with trying to plot to be with this guy.

 

Give yourself 6 months to get yourself going on YOUR life. Go to school, get a job, start making YOUR life. How long do you plan to live with your parents?

 

I KNOW it seems like the end of the world, we have ALL been there. It isn't the end. The sun still comes out and life goes on. But you are allowing it all to pass you by.

 

You need to date around. You need to make SURE this is the boy for you -- or else you will find yourself possibly regretting settling down so soon and NOT exploring other options. This could lead to you cheating on him.

 

So put the relationship on hold for 6 months - take a break. IF it is meant to be, it will be...but it can wait.

 

No I wouldnt want her to date him.

And yes he is the only boyfriend iv ever had, I understand this might not last forever alot of my friends have been in several relationships by this age. But i still want to try and work things out for now and then if in time it ends it ends at the moment all i want to do is give it one shot because i know these feelings are not going to go away.

 

I have been broke up with him for over 6 months and still have the same amount of feelings for him.

 

Im trying to start my life and I want it to be with him. I plan on living with my parents until im established here and have my qualification, whice I have one year left to do.

 

I went on a couple of dates with anothe guy during the break up but didnt take my mind off him so i stopped contact with this other guy cos i didnt want him to end up havinf feelings for a girl thats in love with some one els.. And i would NEVER cheat on anybody no matter what the situation.

 

Maybe i will give it another few months and see how it goes, but I know in my heart 6 months, a year, longer.. Im still going to have feelings for him and wont move on to another guy because at the end of the day its not fair to let someone fall for you unless your willing to catch them, and being in love with someone els for 5 years i dont think its possible to move on.. Maybe as time goes by I will iv never been in a situation like this before so i dont know how to cope or how i should feel.

 

Il eventually give in and take him back and probably get alot of hardship at home..

 

thanks for your reply (",)

[Rai]

Just over a year ago we wer drunk arguing over something so silly I cant even remember what it was I kept the argument going when I should of just left itand eventually he pushed me and i landed on the floor smacking off the bed on the way ended up with a big bruise on my arm.

 

You are not only justifying the fact that he pushed you hard enough to knock you down...you are blaming yourself!!

 

Thats the kind of thing submissive victims say regarding their relationships. I dont mean to jump all over it necessarily, but your parents may see something about this that you do not.

 

Anyway, you are 21. Dependent on your parents and living with them. Your BF is in another country overseas. Until you can support yourself or he can support himself in either country....whats the difference? If your parents say ok , you can talk to him...its still up to you to find airfare , travel expenses, accomodation....can either of you do that?

 

God I definately dont blame myself \i just dont want anyone to think Im trying to make myself out to be innocent in the argument i played my part too. Im nt at all defending him for what he done i dont think any human should ever physically touch another with intended hurt or harm. and I know where my parents are coming from i would 100% be the same if i had a daughter in this situation. But I cant help the want to take him back I know Im being a hypocrite cos i would do the same as my parents.

 

He has the funds to support him self here, money for airfare, visa, an appartment and money to survive for a few months until he finds a job here. I also have my own finances put aside also. and hope to have a job by the time (if) he gets here.

 

All i really want to know is if you think there is a way i could change my mams mind on him.. Maybe i am being stupid for accepting him back but im willing to take this chance on him..

 

Really appreciate your reply thanks (",)

[Eve]

Can you talk to your Mum about how you feel? Rightly or wrongly those feelings are there and it would be good for you to talk things through.. if possible with your Mum?? Raising the topic may feel uncomfortable but hopefully she/they will see it as a sign of maturity rather than a flaw in you. To be clear, I am talking about sharing how you feel inside about missing him..

 

Its not quite the same thing but I really valued when my daughter told me about what she was going through with her first boyfriend who became really controlling. My daughter is younger than you so in a way its different.

 

They are friends again now, with my blessing.

 

I just hope that you and your parents can have a more adult to adult relationship more than anything else really. They were young once upon a time!

 

Talking is the right way to go. Do you have an Aunt or someone else who is close to talk to about this?

 

*Hugs*

 

Take care,

Eve xx

Edited June 11, 2010 by Eve

[fooled once]

No I wouldnt want her to date him.

And yes he is the only boyfriend iv ever had, I understand this might not last forever alot of my friends have been in several relationships by this age. But i still want to try and work things out for now and then if in time it ends it ends at the moment all i want to do is give it one shot because i know these feelings are not going to go away.

 

I have been broke up with him for over 6 months and still have the same amount of feelings for him.

 

Im trying to start my life and I want it to be with him. I plan on living with my parents until im established here and have my qualification, whice I have one year left to do.

 

I went on a couple of dates with anothe guy during the break up but didnt take my mind off him so i stopped contact with this other guy cos i didnt want him to end up havinf feelings for a girl thats in love with some one els.. And i would NEVER cheat on anybody no matter what the situation.

 

Maybe i will give it another few months and see how it goes, but I know in my heart 6 months, a year, longer.. Im still going to have feelings for him and wont move on to another guy because at the end of the day its not fair to let someone fall for you unless your willing to catch them, and being in love with someone els for 5 years i dont think its possible to move on.. Maybe as time goes by I will iv never been in a situation like this before so i dont know how to cope or how i should feel.

 

Il eventually give in and take him back and probably get alot of hardship at home..

 

thanks for your reply (",)

 

RE: what I bolded...honey, YOU WILL get over him, IF you let yourself.

 

Right now, you are doing the Romeo and Juliet fairytale....

 

Time alone will help heal your heart and if you truly start to become MORE social and allow yourself to let him go, you will find out in 5 years that it was more of a 'puppy love' type crush, not true, honest to goodness love.

[whichwayisup]

21 and he was your first boyfriend. You have a broken heart and it's only been 6 months.. Allow yourself to heal. Grieve the relationship, grieve him. Try to let go and distance yourself from him.

 

You just moved to Canada, maybe leave the past in the past..

 

He never ever pushed, hit, touched be in any abusive way before he never really even said hurtful things to me even tho we have had worse arguments than this one.

 

Fact is, he was drunk when this happened. He cannot guarantee it won't happen again.

 

In that moment he pushed you, everything changed. Whether you admit this to yourself or not.

 

Your parents are looking out for your wellbeing and they don't want to see you end up in a morgue one day! They love you and want to see you happy. They don't trust this guy, rightfully so..

 

Let me ask you, if you had do it all over again, would you have lied to your parents about how you got the bruises?

[Kenyth]

By pushing you off the bed, I don't hink he meant to hurt you physically, but it was a very immature move. These are the types of stupid impulsive things young people do. More are to come. It's why you should shy away from a really serious relationship until you're on your feet. Even if you are ready for a serious relationship, chances are your partner isn't. Take care of yourself first.