Could anyone me ? I need to stop.

[RosaRugosa]

Hi everyone. I hope it is OK just to post straight off.

 

I'm really feeling a bit desperate, the situation is that I've been friends with a married man for just over a year.

 

We meet almost every day at school as our kids attend the same place, and we have this space on the bench where we sit and chat and wait for them in the afternoon.

Sometimes we speak in the mornings, too.

 

It's gotten more intense gradually, and in the last few weeks I have started to think about him the whole time.

 

I have met his wife and she is friendly and sweet. I don't have any bad feeling towards her, and feel guilty and ashamed that I am 'in love' with her husband.

 

I am not with anyone and therefore have a lot of hormones to spare, I think this is causing the problem partially - there's no one else to take my mind off him, I haven't had a relationship for a few years.

 

I am fairly sure he feels attracted to me because he makes the effort to sit by me and talk to me sometimes for a long time after most people have gone...the kids just play while we talk.

 

From what I know, he has been married to her for around 8-10 years and the way he talks about her, he sounds really unhappy. not that it is any of my concern, but he always insists she is annoying, difficult, wrong, etc etc whenever he speaks about her to anyone, he will say something negative - I hate that and it makes me wonder why I like him, beause it's a bad thing to do. It also makes me wonder why he doesn't do something like have some counselling with her. He ought to take some responsibility for his marriage.

 

And here I am making all these fantasies of how he might become my partner one day, and I feel so awful.

 

We had a break for a week and I resolved notto sit with him when we went back, as I was afraid someone would notice and start gossiping about us - though nothing has happened and we have never spoken about our feelings. I don't think he even would go there. But I am still scared as I feel so overwhelmed and like it is taking over my brain.

 

However I missed him so much during the week that when we went back to school, the first thing I did was go and sit there and wait for him. I felt compelled.

It really scares me as to what could happen and I am starting to realise my fantasies are unlikely to come to anything at all. It helps if I think about it as though he is just using me, but then my mind feels empty, like it can't give these feelings up so easily.

 

Please, can anyone suggest anything to stop this pain, to stop me thinking about him like he is some kind of answer? It's horrible and I just want out.

 

Thankyou.

Edited June 10, 2010 by RosaRugosa
Sorry, tried to edit title, supposed to say could anyone help me x

[Circular]

The short and to the point answer is you need to get away from the situation as quickly as possible, this means going no-contact (NC) or very limited contact (LC).

 

Why? You are already in the early stages of an EA. He's disclosing personal things about himself and his relationship with is wife. His wife has no transparency, if she knew what he was saying to you he'd be in hot water and you know he's not going back to her and talking about you. So he's hiding it most likely - so he's already betraying her.

 

Also, and this is purely my opinion. I was in an A with a great woman but I never bad mouthed my W or did she bad mouth her H. After being in the A for about 6 months we talked about our spouses but it was more seeking the answer to why we were doing what we were doing rather than nit picking. So it speaks volumes to his character.

 

Your already on the slippery slope. I'd run away as fast as possible go meet with a counselor and get it all out.

[secretlady76]

Right, well, I could have written your post a few months ago, if you look through my posts you will see.

 

Stop this now, as addictive as it may seem, it is very dangerous. The two of your will be become more involved, you will think about him more and more, you won't be able to get enough of him, or the situation because it makes you feel wonderful.

 

This will only end in tears, your tears. People will notice you talking, so you will start speaking via other means; phone, text, email etc.....then the wife will find evidence of this and then he will dump you just like that..... Same old same old, you will find many sob stories on here that mirrors yours. Please be careful and keep us posted....

[Fieldsofgold]

Some of your problem sounds like boredom. Some of it is that you find yourself attracted to him because of the amount of time you are spending talking personally with him. The more time you sink into him, the worse it will get.

 

I think he might be trying to establish a basis for an affair with you by bad-mouthing his wife. Keep in mind that while *you* are emotionally bonding, he probably wants sex, bottom line. If he was really that unhappy, he would gonto counseling, or he would leave her.

 

And what a jerk he is, to badmouth her like that!

 

Go to counseling. Work on your personal issues.

 

Work on enriching your social life.

 

Work on enriching your life in general. Get involved in some other activity that will give you the emotional rush you are getting from him. I've read that part of what makes these relationships "addictive" is that you really do have all sorts of chemicals flooding your brain when you interact with someone in positive ways. The more positive interaction you have with him, the more you associate "feel-good" with him. Find somethig else to redirect your "feel-goods" toward. Volunteer at the local animal shelter. Rescue animals. Work with abused children, rape crisis center, children's hospital, battered women's shelter. Take a class. Play a sport if that's what you get into. Sky dive. There is something in life that excites you besides him.

 

Find something to do that really excites you, really engages you, and not only will you enrich your life and grow as a person, but you will gradually replace him with better things to feel passionate about, and you will forget about him. You can get addicted to those things, too. And you might find someone who is single and available who shares your passion.

[fooled once]

Hi everyone. I hope it is OK just to post straight off.

 

I'm really feeling a bit desperate, the situation is that I've been friends with a married man for just over a year.

 

We meet almost every day at school as our kids attend the same place, and we have this space on the bench where we sit and chat and wait for them in the afternoon.

Sometimes we speak in the mornings, too.

 

It's gotten more intense gradually, and in the last few weeks I have started to think about him the whole time.

 

I have met his wife and she is friendly and sweet. I don't have any bad feeling towards her, and feel guilty and ashamed that I am 'in love' with her husband.

 

I am not with anyone and therefore have a lot of hormones to spare, I think this is causing the problem partially - there's no one else to take my mind off him, I haven't had a relationship for a few years.

 

I am fairly sure he feels attracted to me because he makes the effort to sit by me and talk to me sometimes for a long time after most people have gone...the kids just play while we talk.

 

From what I know, he has been married to her for around 8-10 years and the way he talks about her, he sounds really unhappy. not that it is any of my concern, but he always insists she is annoying, difficult, wrong, etc etc whenever he speaks about her to anyone, he will say something negative - I hate that and it makes me wonder why I like him, beause it's a bad thing to do. It also makes me wonder why he doesn't do something like have some counselling with her. He ought to take some responsibility for his marriage.

 

And here I am making all these fantasies of how he might become my partner one day, and I feel so awful.

 

We had a break for a week and I resolved notto sit with him when we went back, as I was afraid someone would notice and start gossiping about us - though nothing has happened and we have never spoken about our feelings. I don't think he even would go there. But I am still scared as I feel so overwhelmed and like it is taking over my brain.

 

However I missed him so much during the week that when we went back to school, the first thing I did was go and sit there and wait for him. I felt compelled.

It really scares me as to what could happen and I am starting to realise my fantasies are unlikely to come to anything at all. It helps if I think about it as though he is just using me, but then my mind feels empty, like it can't give these feelings up so easily.

 

Please, can anyone suggest anything to stop this pain, to stop me thinking about him like he is some kind of answer? It's horrible and I just want out.

 

Thankyou.

 

How are you 'in love' with someone you don't know??? I think your lack of relationship is really playing with your brain. You don't know him. You know very little about him.

 

He can probably tell you have the hots for him...which is why he sits and bad mouths his wife ... he enjoys the hero worship from you.

 

What does he do/say that leads you to believe he likes you/is attracted to you? I mean, I am super nice to the mailman and have talked with him, but that doesn't mean I want him or I am in love with him.....

 

I find it very disrespectful that he sits and criticizes his wife to you -- you are a stranger, the mother of his kids friend, and for all you know, she could invite you over for a play date for the kids and you will be all weirded out because of all the crappy things he has said about his wife.

 

I would like to encourage you to get out more - to socialize more - with single guys , not the married father of your kids friends.

[RosaRugosa]

I just wanted to thank you all very much for your time and consideration in helping me with this. What you wrote made a lot of sense and I have since stopped feeling so attracted to this man, which is a huge relief.

 

Thankyou again for your wise words. It really helps to put these things on 'paper' and get other people's perspective.

[White Flower]

Please, can anyone suggest anything to stop this pain, to stop me thinking about him like he is some kind of answer? It's horrible and I just want out.

 

Thankyou.

My God.

 

If I can only spare you the pain.

 

I just came back from a bar right now. I went with a friend who needed support with a new date, to make sure he was safe and all. I went, they hit it off and left. The guy had a friend at the bar who gave me some eye contact and asked me over for a drink so I stayed for just one more.

 

Turns out the guy at the bar had another friend and all night they flirted with me, egging me on for a threesome. When I saw they BOTH had wedding rings on I just got sick. I decided to leave after that drink but it took a while to finish it. This cute guy who sang karaoke all night came up to the bar, pointed at the guy behind me (the older of the two who kept insisting on a threesome) and mouthed the words, 'That's my dad', which of course was not. He just wanted in on the action and by the way, he is the same age as my oldest daughter.

 

Three guys, two of them married, and none of them worth anything to me.

 

I asked the original guy who came over to our table why he stayed M if he was unhappy. Oh, he's waiting until his two youngest are out of high school in a couple of years. I've seen this guy in the same bar for the last six months...he's alone all the time. He is really unhappy yet does nothing about it.

 

The point is, MM are a dime a dozen. Find a single guy who you can connect with and who can give you so much more. Otherwise, you'll get offers like I got tonight which mean absolutely nothing.

[LucreziaBorgia]

From what I know, he has been married to her for around 8-10 years and the way he talks about her, he sounds really unhappy. not that it is any of my concern, but he always insists she is annoying, difficult, wrong, etc etc

 

Of course he does. They all do. Are they really unhappy? Nah, mostly just bored and looking for the excitement of the 'new'. But it isn't easy to rope someone into an affair if you tell them that. Would you be so inclined to be with him if he told you that he was otherwise happy in his marriage, was never going to leave and planned on using you to stave off sexual/emotional boredom?

 

I can guarantee you that if you fast forward a year or two when you and he are hopelessly in love or whatever, and you insist that he divorce - he will fight to stay in that "unhappy" marriage regardless of how "happy" he says he is with you.

 

You have to understand - with a good deal of MM (particularly ones with children), it isn't an "either/or" thing for them. Its a "both" thing, and if you force them to choose - they will choose to leave you.

 

I'm not sure what you are expecting out of this, but what you are going to get is pain and heartbreak.

[White Flower]

Of course he does. They all do. Are they really unhappy? Nah, mostly just bored and looking for the excitement of the 'new'. But it isn't easy to rope someone into an affair if you tell them that. Would you be so inclined to be with him if he told you that he was otherwise happy in his marriage, was never going to leave and planned on using you to stave off sexual/emotional boredom?

 

I can guarantee you that if you fast forward a year or two when you and he are hopelessly in love or whatever, and you insist that he divorce - he will fight to stay in that "unhappy" marriage regardless of how "happy" he says he is with you.

 

You have to understand - with a good deal of MM (particularly ones with children), it isn't an "either/or" thing for them. Its a "both" thing, and if you force them to choose - they will choose to leave you.

 

I'm not sure what you are expecting out of this, but what you are going to get is pain and heartbreak.

Once again, an excellent post LB.

[mourningMM]

You have children; he has children. They are watching their mother and their father and learning from it.

 

Maybe he doesn't realize he's reaching out emotionally, or maybe he does. Really, it doesn't matter for you. What matters is that you have allowed yourself to build a fantasy man to whom you are attracted.

 

This guy sounds like he needs therapy, I mean that in a helpful way. He needs to sort out those negative feelings. And he needs to STOP setting a bad example for his kids.

 

YOU need a different kind of therapy. Why do you want to become attached to a drama? Why do you want to cause pain for his children...because any relationship with you would definitely cause pain for those kids. Doesn't matter if it is found out or not.

 

Sounds like, and this is going to be harsh, you are just taking the easy convenient way out of searching for a real connection. Sounds to me like you had some positive attention from him, and are willing to settle for whatever you can get.

 

BELIEVE ME, you deserve more. Your children deserve a better example of what a man and a woman should be to each other.

 

Step back and see that if you can connect with this guy, you can connect with others. Maybe at the grocery store, or at Home Depot, or at the gym...and before you start the conversation learn to look for the ring.

 

If there is a ring, don't waste your time.

 

You deserve dates, and dances, and help around the house, and someone to be proud of introducing.

 

I don't know this guy, but if he's married and he bad-mouths his wife I just don't believe he'd be someone who'd be the role model your kids deserve.

 

Stop thinking about yourself, you are a MOTHER, and you have responsibilities. And you are a woman, and you have needs. Get them met by a man who is honest, not one who cheats.

 

Good luck.

[RosaRugosa]

Thankyou all, these are really good points and had I still been feeling lovesick about him, I'd definitely have benefited from reading them. I think though that something just 'unclicked' between us and it was such a relief - I also spent a week talking to his wife as he was away for work, and she is great, and I found I did not miss him.

 

It helps that I have been getting closer to a different guy (see other thread) and it has provided a much needed distraction.

 

But I do take your points on board. I just want to reassure you that it is completely over for me and I'm not entirely sure why I got stuck on him in the first place.

 

I suspect I was just desperately lonely actually.

[lolapalooza]

I read your other thread about dating the guy that is seeing someone else.

You really need to find out why you are attracted to men who are attached to someone else, and are basically unavailable.

[mourningMM]

Most of us here don't judge; and people come into each other's lives for a reason.

 

I'm also guilty of fixating on unavailable men. For my money, George Clooney is a safer bet than a married man, or a man who has a girlfriend!

 

Why do I do it? Fear of rejection; married and otherwise unavailable people rarely reject outside attention....it validates their continued sexiness in spite of their being "off the market".

 

But hear this very clearly. If you weren't an interesting and attractive woman, they wouldn't take the time to appreciate your attention. And as an interesting and attractive woman, you can find so much more support and admiration from a single man than one who is attached.

 

And other things too...social connection, emotional availability, help around the house, intellectual stimulation, physical passion. All of these are out there on two legs without a ring on the hand, or a significant other at home.

 

You have choices ever day of where to spend your energy. Give it to your children, give it to your family, give it to your friends and your career...but don't let it be drained by the drama of wondering whether a relationship can work.