SavannahSmiles Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I have a question. I'm just curious about some situations I've been reading here on LS. Overall, I've noticed that when a married person decides to become involved in an A there have been two main reasons (others too - but these are are main 2 I keep seeing): 1. There is something missing in the marriage 2) The WS is a cake-eater. Is it possible to want to be a cake-eater and have a good marriage? Back when I first joined LS I was considering a fling with my H's best friend (with H's permission - yuck - I know - ashamed, ashamed). I honestly can't think of any marital problems I had but I did feel like a "cake eater." I wanted my H, but I didn't mind having a "side dish." What are your opinions on this? Can someone really just want their cake and eat it too without pre-existing marital problems (other than the usual small problems?) BTW, I am not considering this at all now!!! I just really wondered what you guys think. I am content being a one man woman, tyvm!!!
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 How can most marriages be perfect, if life isn't perfect... I think it is most often that of being a cake-eater.. It could be ego or flattery that allows the enticement .. Also, I think in most cases - so-called problems within the marriage are magnified or all of the sudden emerge when the MM / MW takes on an OW or OM..
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 3)The married person is broken inside and selfish. Sure it may be a reflection of what's going on in the marriage, but how does one explain those marriages where things are good, sex is often, MM and his wife are happy. I chalk up those types as pure cake eaters and put themselves and their selfish needs first.
jennie-jennie Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 (edited) Sure you can eat your cake and still have a happy marriage, isn't that what open marriages are all about? Been there done that during the free sex era of the seventies. But once the love relationship of the affair becomes the one you are most attached to, you are going to have problems. Edited June 10, 2010 by jennie-jennie
Ann_Igma Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I can only go by what my H has told me, and what the marriage counselor seemed to think.. According to both, the problem wasn't so much that something was missing in our marriage but that we had gone through an incredibly tough year which had reduced my H's self-esteem to smithereens. We just bought a house, he sold his car (and I don't drive as everything here is on the wrong side of the road and I was an anxious enough driver with roads and traffic laws I grew up with) due to having a company car, then he lost his job.. A few months prior, he'd have been spoiled for choice and headhunted by multiple companies, but the recession cut into his field sharply, and it took him a few months and a bit of ingenuity to find a new job - at a reduced payrate (they weren't looking to hire anyone, but took him on due to the good name he's made for himself.) And during all this, he was still doing part-time university. The bulk of the stresses even coincided with the time when he needed to study for his final exams. There's a bit more detail in it than that, but needless to say it was a nightmare few months for both of us filled with tons of stress, but especially for him. Then within a month of things going back to fairly stable, the fOW started flirting with him. We've known her for years, she's a few years younger, AND she does a bit of part-time modeling. HUGE ego boost for him. What both of them did was completely wrong, but I can at least understand some of the reasons behind how it started. Even for her - she had only JUST got out of a 7-year relationship with her boyfriend, and probably was in need of an ego boost herself . I suppose after all that rambling, I'd say 'something missing' - just different to your example.
Rabican Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I have a question. I'm just curious about some situations I've been reading here on LS. Overall, I've noticed that when a married person decides to become involved in an A there have been two main reasons (others too - but these are are main 2 I keep seeing): 1. There is something missing in the marriage 2) The WS is a cake-eater. Is it possible to want to be a cake-eater and have a good marriage? Back when I first joined LS I was considering a fling with my H's best friend (with H's permission - yuck - I know - ashamed, ashamed). I honestly can't think of any marital problems I had but I did feel like a "cake eater." I wanted my H, but I didn't mind having a "side dish." What are your opinions on this? Can someone really just want their cake and eat it too without pre-existing marital problems (other than the usual small problems?) BTW, I am not considering this at all now!!! I just really wondered what you guys think. I am content being a one man woman, tyvm!!! Is it possible to be a cake eater and have a good marriage? Of course! If your spouse has no issues with you having a "side dish", as you so elegantly put it, then have at it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Yes, for some people who are good at compartmentalizing it is possible to have no complaints about their marriages, enjoy them in fact and still find themselves having affairs. In cases like that, it isn't something missing in the marriage - it is something that is missing inside themselves. Some people just have a 'cake shaped hole' in their heart that has nothing to do with their primary relationships.
carhill Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I can't speak for women, but, as a man, I'm well aware of the impetuses for and benefits of being a successful man in society. Once a man has achieved success in career and has a successful family, he can stagnate. He needs a new challenge, to expand upon his success. What better than having another successful family somewhere else? Validation and support from a completely separate social circle, a loving spouse and children. Yes, it's illegal in most jurisdictions, but successful men care little about laws and use their success to buy statutory relief. It's just another challenge. Is that cake-eating? Yes, probably, IMO. Most of what defines success in our society is one form of cake-eating or another. As LS so clearly defines, women are attracted to successful men, ergo.... Such a man might *tell* you he has so much love and happiness in his heart he cannot contain it within one singular family. I've heard those words. Women believe those words. A successful man is very convincing. It's what they do. Enjoy
2sure Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Great question. I think that many people in affairs justify them by stating/believing something is missing from the marriage so they seek fulfillment elsewhere. And sure, that has to be true sometimes. But you know what I'm starting to think? Cake Eaters...like my H, and like you almost were...can be happily married and still want cake, something on the side. Something just for them. But thats selfish right? So, they LOOK for ways in which they are unfulfilled so that they can justify having an affair. In other words..every marriage & individual has areas of their lives that arent great, need addressing, some work, some sacrifice. Even very happy relationships & people. Having an affair, or wanting to have one ultimately undermines a marriage by magnifying whats missing not because its a larger problem than they thought...but because it now needs to be a big enough issue to justify cheating. And then so it is. And the marriage is undermined. The problems become bigger...and the WS tells themself it isnt because of their infidelity. So, which comes first ? Most of the time, I think its cake.
carhill Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 As an edit to my prior post, it's multiple marriages which are illegal in most jurisdictions; infidelity is illegal in only a few, at least here in the U.S. That said, the world is a small place and travel reasonable and efficient. A successful cake-eater will not limit himself
Spark1111 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Great question. I think that many people in affairs justify them by stating/believing something is missing from the marriage so they seek fulfillment elsewhere. And sure, that has to be true sometimes. But you know what I'm starting to think? Cake Eaters...like my H, and like you almost were...can be happily married and still want cake, something on the side. Something just for them. But thats selfish right? So, they LOOK for ways in which they are unfulfilled so that they can justify having an affair. In other words..every marriage & individual has areas of their lives that arent great, need addressing, some work, some sacrifice. Even very happy relationships & people. Having an affair, or wanting to have one ultimately undermines a marriage by magnifying whats missing not because its a larger problem than they thought...but because it now needs to be a big enough issue to justify cheating. And then so it is. And the marriage is undermined. The problems become bigger...and the WS tells themself it isnt because of their infidelity. So, which comes first ? Most of the time, I think its cake. Agree here! And yes, affairs can happen in very happy marriages based on what I have read. So let's revise your original premise. 1. Something is missing in the marriage. 2. Nothing is missing in the marriage, but one person needs to convince themself otherwise. 3. Let's have some cake.
aeh Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Some people just have a 'cake shaped hole' in their heart that has nothing to do with their primary relationships. Love this!
broken12 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I've been pondering this one very much myself recently. My fiancee INSISTS there was nothing wrong with our relationship. Nothing, that is, until he started his EA, at which point, he started to create arguments out of nothing and find fault with lots of my foibles that had before seemed endearing. Yes, entirely to justify what he was doing. However, much like Ann_Igma's story, we have had a very stressful few years - we lost our 11 day old baby, had 3 miscarriages and my fiancee has had to face the realisation that he would most likely never be a father. Coupled with this, at the time his A started, we had sold our house and could not find any where to move to. It was hidously stressful for both of us. I'm still trying to work out how much the stress contributed to what he did. The one thing that I KNOW we had lost in our relationship was the enfatuation stage. The same way every relationship loses it. We still enjoyed each other's company, we were still v affectionate, we laughed at the same things, we liked the same things, we had a great sex life, verbally we were very loving, we rarely argued, we talked loads. BUT we had lost the "newness" and that's the one and only thing that the OW could give him that I couldn't. Maybe some people just crave that "newness" feeling or maybe they feel their relationship is dying because their heart no longer skips a beat when you call them. I don't feel this was cake. Nor did we have any problems. I don't know what category it falls into. It's just sad. The "newness" that he got from the OW turned out to be very short lived, but the damage that has been done to US is huge.
Star727 Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I'm glad this topic was brought up. My self esteem hit an all time low on D-Day when my husband told me "you don't listen to me. when I talk, your mind is always somewhere else." That was his excuse for cheating on me and I thought that was a lame excuse to begin with. After that, I would stop what I'm doing when he wants to talk and totally be into his conversation. But that didnt stop his affair because we kept having D-Days. Then I figured that couldnt be the reason, he just made it a reason to explain away his affair. There wasnt anything majorly wrong with our marriage. As a matter of fact, we really had a good marriage. We got along like the best of friends, we worked at the same place, our outside interest (league bowling) was very important to us and we've been doing that together for 20 years. We really were not having any problems. Him having an affair was because he wanted to have a relationship with someone he felt he liked. Thats all it was. Nothing I did wrong, nothing that was wrong with our marriage. I see that very clearly now. He's a cake eater. He even told me on D-Day #1 when I asked if he wanted to be with her permanently, "I love my life, I don't want a divorce - ever". He even mentioned some "ego thing" - in describing his infatuation with OW. I had to explain to WH that he can't have two women in his life with ME being one of them. I do not share men.
2sure Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia Some people just have a 'cake shaped hole' in their heart that has nothing to do with their primary relationships. EPIPHANY
2sure Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 So yeah. The first time I caught my H cheating, or maybe the 2nd whatever... He tells me that he has been feeling disrespected because I am spending too much money. OK. I do spend money. So I stopped. I worked more. I cut things. Meanwhile, he is still booking us overseas vacations for , buying toys for the house, telling me to work less, looking at THIRD homes. I'm like look, if our budgeting is so important it emasculated you into needing an affair.... Yeah right. Even though he ultimately continued cheating he never once mentioned money again.
Mimolicious Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Affairs can happen in "happy marriages" who even swing here and there. Some people just want it all, not necessarily because they are missing anything - a.k.a "cake eaters". Simple. And, there are marriages that are missing ALL. They are just a legal/religious commitment and people go outside the box to find happiness without breaking their marital ties. Some find it and some don't. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
HappyAtLast Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Who does not enjoy the thrill of the "new"? If you can still have the love of the "old" AND the thrill of the "new" that's the ultimate in cake. I cannot imagine that anyone would not find that to be at least an interesting and desirable concept. That leaves us to examine the mind of the would-be cake eater. I have been happily married for nearly 40 years (my wife was my affair partner). It would have been easy to be a cake eater. There are beautiful women everywhere. But, the concept of potentially hurting my beautiful wife, my partner, my best friend far overpowered the allure of the "new", the cake, as it were. Hence, no cake for me. Cake-eating has consequences.
HappyAtLast Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Reminds me of what my wife tells me when I try to convince her to indulge in my weakness, chocolate chip cookies, with me. She tells me that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. I guess that no cake would taste as good to me as knowing that I still am the man that my wife thinks I am.
jennie-jennie Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Reminds me of what my wife tells me when I try to convince her to indulge in my weakness, chocolate chip cookies, with me. She tells me that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. I guess that no cake would taste as good to me as knowing that I still am the man that my wife thinks I am. Wonderfully said.
skylarblue Posted June 12, 2010 Posted June 12, 2010 I think a person can have a good M and still have an A. I think my MM was happy in his M (even though much later he stated his W didn’t interest him anymore). Despite what he says, I think he’s still happy in his M. I think the only aspect he is not happy with is his sex life, but I don’t think he became unhappy with that until after the A started. IMO he feels entitled, and for a long time I felt he was entitled to…..Maybe it’s something inside the spouse that’s “missing” and not the M.
Author SavannahSmiles Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 Thanks everyone for your help! I'm just now catching up on this thread. I've been out of town without internet - ahhh! The horror! lol! I just have to say this is my favorite quote of the day!: I guess that no cake would taste as good to me as knowing that I still am the man that my wife thinks I am. This, to me, sums up integrity. I was reading about integrity the other day and basically the person who wrote the article says it means being the person that everyone thinks you are even when no one is looking. That is a powerful statement. I guess if you are willing to have an affair, you are willing to give up integrity (unless of course everyone knows you're having an A - lol). For some, it's worth it, but not for me. I'm not just talking about my H, but my what my kids, my parents, my friends, etc think about me is important. It's important that I am who they think I am. I don't think I could handle a secret life.
Steadfast Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 (edited) Cake Eaters...like my H, and like you almost were...can be happily married and still want cake, something on the side. Something just for them. But thats selfish right? So, they LOOK for ways in which they are unfulfilled so that they can justify having an affair... ...Having an affair, or wanting to have one ultimately undermines a marriage by magnifying whats missing not because its a larger problem than they thought...but because it now needs to be a big enough issue to justify cheating. And then so it is. And the marriage is undermined. The problems become bigger...and the WS tells themself it isnt because of their infidelity. That's about as concise as I've seen it written. That is good, and for more reasons than 2sure's ability to express herself. When betrayed, most everyone goes through the cycle of self-loathing and doubt (a real boost for the WS too, I'll bet) but understanding the above would and could help someone who is needing to get out of that phase. It's a bad, bad place. On the surface, isn't blaming the shortcomings of the relationship the perfect storm? After all, people in a relationship are both keenly aware of its imperfections. In reality, it's the ultimate form of manipulation. Cruel. The cheater has been described here of late as a broken person. The more I consider that description, the more I agree with it. Low self-esteem might be a major factor behind a sense of entitlement, and that is easily seen when the WS is swimming in affair fog. Yet...somewhere deep inside there's a growing fear of what impact their actions might have. They know you love them, they know you care. That is the part of you that probably attracted them in the first place and when all is said and done, that's what remains. When the cheated has had enough of this, that's when the party ends for the WS. And don't forget peer pressure; misery loves company- Edited June 14, 2010 by Steadfast
Recommended Posts