Effloresco Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Hi, I posted a while ago, but didn’t receive any responses, so I’m giving this another shot in hopes that I can get some advice. I’ve been in a serious, committed relationship for 2.5 years. We’re both in our 20s and each other’s firsts. My problem is that in the past year, I’ve been thinking more often about breaking up, and I can’t decide whether it’s better to leave or stay. I have no prior experience, and I can’t tell if I’m being unrealistic or not. A lot of the time I’m happy and content; I love him a lot. He's a good guy and we have a good, loving relationship. He accepts me entirely for who I am. He is patient, loyal, very caring, trustworthy, affectionate, and stable. These are all qualities that I am very grateful to have, but there are 2 qualities that have bothered me for a long time: 1. He has trouble explaining his own behaviors or thoughts. This makes it hard to have productive conversations half of the time. He tends to just say “I don’t know” to a lot of things and leave it at that. 2. I have to take the initiative most of the time, whether it has to do with going on dates, planning trips or events, and even in our sex life. When I ask for input, I get a lot of “whatever you want to do” or “I don’t really care/know.” In this past year, I’ve been feeling more bored, less attracted, and finding that I don’t respect him as much as I used to. I feel like I could find someone who may work better with me. I’m struggling a lot because I feel like I have something really good, and maybe I’m throwing it away over something stupid. Or maybe I’m just scared to let go of him knowing how good he is, even though I feel the way I do… I’m really conflicted. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Ihavenoidea Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 relationships take work, I mean WORK. You guys are jsut in a low atm, try to communicate with him on your concerns. Talk to him communication is key.
MisUnderstanding Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 People like your boyfriend are very special. And they require a lot of patience. Trust me, he does have feelings, and he does have opinions. However, is is very intraverted and getting those people to open up is not always easy. He is also a follower. To many it seems like being a pushover. I was just like you, thinking that I don't want to always be the leader, I want a man who can plan things, organize things, and let me be a follower. Well... after 10 years of bad relationships, and careful thinking over the last few months, I realized that I want a follower in my life. I have no problem planning, organizing, deciding, etc. And I want someone who will do it. Some relationships are more balanced and compromised, while others have a much clearer distinctionn between leader and follower. You have to think very carefully what you want. Think what you like doing, what makes you happy and then see how a guy would fit into that. Find out what you are and you will know what to do.
ADF Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 You know what? I don't think you're being honest with yourself. You describe this guy in glowing terms, then give a couple of pretty trivial reasons for wanting to break up with him. His I-don't-know/whatever-you-want behavior might be a bit annoying, but it isn't fatal. Those are things you could make him aware of and have him work on. They're not dealbreakers. Your logic just doesn't compute for me. I am going to go out a limb here and suggest there is some other reason you want to break up, a reason you may not want to admit to. Namely, you want to see what it is like sleeping with other guys. If it makes you feel any better, the chances the person you date in your early 20s will be the person you end up with for life are almost zero. I predict this relationship will run its course sooner than you think.
Author Effloresco Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 Thanks for the input so far. MisUnderstanding -- Thanks, that was quite helpful. I never really thought of our relationship dynamic as a whole. ADF -- I have talked to him about them, but usually what happens is he'll try for a few days, then go back to how it was. I'm not sure what to do about it. Should I be more explicit? I know they might seem trivial, but they've been an ongoing problem in our relationship and it does get tiring. I'm not really interested in sleeping with other guys. But I do think about what it would be like to date other men.
MisUnderstanding Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Thanks for the input so far. MisUnderstanding -- Thanks, that was quite helpful. I never really thought of our relationship dynamic as a whole. ADF -- I have talked to him about them, but usually what happens is he'll try for a few days, then go back to how it was. I'm not sure what to do about it. Should I be more explicit? I know they might seem trivial, but they've been an ongoing problem in our relationship and it does get tiring. I'm not really interested in sleeping with other guys. But I do think about what it would be like to date other men. You are young, and don't take it a wrong way. You haven't had a lot of experience, haven't been in any relationships but your current one. I think you are just scared. Relationships require effort and you don't need to dump your current one to gain experience and knowledge. Work with your boyfriend. If you want him to take initiative in something, set up a situation so that he would. You are hearing him say "I don't know" as if he is saying "I don't want to do anything". It isn't so. Ask him to cook you a dinner, or pick a movie to watch and show him that you are enjoying it (and I hope you would really enjoy it, not pretend). The more he notices that you like what he is doing the more he will start doing things. And one more thing... so you aren't entirely happy. What about him? Is he happy? If not, what would make him happier?
Author Effloresco Posted June 10, 2010 Author Posted June 10, 2010 You are young, and don't take it a wrong way. You haven't had a lot of experience, haven't been in any relationships but your current one. I think you are just scared. Relationships require effort and you don't need to dump your current one to gain experience and knowledge. Work with your boyfriend. If you want him to take initiative in something, set up a situation so that he would. You are hearing him say "I don't know" as if he is saying "I don't want to do anything". It isn't so. Ask him to cook you a dinner, or pick a movie to watch and show him that you are enjoying it (and I hope you would really enjoy it, not pretend). The more he notices that you like what he is doing the more he will start doing things. And one more thing... so you aren't entirely happy. What about him? Is he happy? If not, what would make him happier? That makes sense. I just feel like I've been trying for a while, and it hasn't gotten much better. But hearing your suggestions, I'm reminded I need to take baby steps. Do you think it's worth trying to bring up that I'd like it if he took more initiative in our relationship, or just try to coax it out of him slowly? He's quite happy as we are. If there is any change in the relationship, it's because something big happened or I'm pushing for it.
MisUnderstanding Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 That makes sense. I just feel like I've been trying for a while, and it hasn't gotten much better. But hearing your suggestions, I'm reminded I need to take baby steps. Do you think it's worth trying to bring up that I'd like it if he took more initiative in our relationship, or just try to coax it out of him slowly? He's quite happy as we are. If there is any change in the relationship, it's because something big happened or I'm pushing for it. Bring it up, but be nice about it. Again, have him do something and show him that you are enjoying it. It works wonders. If he isn't sure what you like and he is too shy to ask (yes people can still be shy after years of relationship), then you have to show him. Be as specific as possible. And be creative. If he is all you say he is, you'd be amazed what he can do for you. Also, do some reading on having a relationship with an introverted person, there's quite a bit online you can find.
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