Ex forced me to break up with her and now wants me back.

[Stymie123]

Summary: ex cheated, told me about it, said she wanted to work it out, kept seeing the dude, I broke it off, and moved all my stuff out the next day. I went total NC. I went on vacation for a week, came back, still NC. Three days later she freaks out and sends me 15 texts, calls 6 times, and sends an email - "it was a mistake, I love you, I can't believe I let you go, etc....

 

Keep in mind it's only been maybe 10 days since I said it's over.

 

I wait 5 hrs...send her a text about maybe talking if she is serious.

 

Next day, she calls and we meet up. I go home with her that night after work, we talk, have fun, and end up fooling around. She gets all snuggly after. Next morning I am getting ready for work and she tells me we will talk later. She seems "happy". I hear nothing all day and go to sleep.

 

You are now at the present...

 

So now WTF do I do...nc again?

[Stymie123]

Update: so I sent her a text just before bed saying "wanted to say goodnight, hope you had a good day. Was thinking of you but wanted to give you some space."

 

She replies with "I love you. I wanted to give you space too.". Then she made plans with me for next week.

 

That's it's.

 

Haven't heard back.

[NABDP]

I'm happy to hear she is showing regret, but I still see some signs of fence sitting. If this was me, I would need to 100% know she stopped with the other guy immediately, cold turkey. Not a call, e-mail, text, seeing him, etc. Or I would go into NC.

 

Some guys seem able to handle a girl who wants to see them and another guy at the same time. I'm just not one of those guys. If she's not sure, I will make the decision for her and let her go.

 

I would suggest you have a conversation with her ASAP about this other guy, basically a "him or me" thing, and get her to make a promise/commitment, so long as you can trust her answer.

 

Hoping for good things for you!

[Stymie123]

She told me when we met that she knows she needs to end all contact with him, she just isn't sure yet how to do it since they have been friends for 15 years. I didn't push the issue, other than to agree with the premise.

 

I just feel like she needed to see if i was still interested and now that she knows that i am, she is flaking a little bit.

[Stymie123]

Ok so this is day 2 and she hasn't communicated at all. Maybe she is having second thoughts?

 

Not sure what to do here. I felt like i was in a good place right up until she sent me all the texts about how she feels. Maybe she is just playing games.

 

I kind of want to call and ask her WTF? But also feel like i need to just give it a few more days to see what she does since i feel like she should be the one making effort.

 

Ideas?

[listen_to_me_please]

Hello,

First I would like to say that I have been banned 5 times in the past 2 years from this forum.

 

Next I would like to say, I actually went out my way to create a new email account just so I could post this message to you.

 

1) I know exactly what your ex girlfriend is doing.

 

She doesn't want to loose you yet, things are not on solid ground with the new dude whom she is having sexual encounters with.

 

2) Once you moved out and went NC, she realized she was losing you so she became desperate, her actions proves this (her calling you that 15 times and sending 6 text messages)

 

3) Now that she was deseperate and you responded, it doesn't matter how long it took for you to respond, you responded, she met up with you and she had sex with you.

 

4) She put you back in the NO-SEX/Backup boyfriend zone, why? because you gave her waht she wanted. She can have you whenever she wants.

 

5) She is NOT going to contact you again, not until things start to get shaking in her new relationship. Believe me, she has no intentions of leaving this other guy, if she did, she would of done so already however she is not ready to loose you yet complete so she strings you along.

 

6) Now that you know your girlfriend is having sex with TWO GUYS, you and the other guy, imagine what she was doing behind your back

 

The thing about not knowing how to break up with the other guy is complete crap, she knows how, she doesn't want too.

 

By you staying in contact with her, you are only enabling her to do what she's doing (having her cake and eating it too)

 

In summary:

No she is NOT having second thoughts. She knows 100% what she's doing.

She is KEEPING you there while moving on.

She is not a fool.

She is stringing you along.

 

 

Also NO MATTER how long you give it, NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

NOTHING.

She lied to you, just so she can know that you are still there

She has no respect for you.

 

Go back to that same mind-set of you packing up your stuff and leaving. You have to get back in that mind set or else your going to be strung along like a girly man.

 

PS, if you do call her and wait a few days, it will only show that you still want her, and that in her end will translate into "he will do anything for me", I can contiune to have sex with my new friend and he will still be there waiting for me.

 

You are now lowering your standing, your status. Never contact her again. When she contacts you, ignore it. She's going to contact you ONCE in a while now.. Maybe every 2 weeks, every 1 week just to check up on you and when she sense your going to leave for good, OR have someone new in the picture, she's going to come and have sex with you again just to give her more time to keep you there and sooner or later, her relationship with this NEW GUY, is going to get to the way she wants it, then you'll never hear from her again until they break up OR it won't work out and she'll come back to you (maybe), eitherway your now a bench warmer. Your not starting anymore.

 

This female has no regard for your feelings anymore. Its over now. Never contact her again. Stop the madness now while your not so hurt

 

I'm sorry about your situation.

Edited June 11, 2010 by listen_to_me_please

[samspade]

Dude, she probably got pumped-and-dumped by the other guy who was balls deep in her when you had your back turned.

 

Hooking up with her again was a mistake but you can still cut her off and move on. Salvage your integrity and spare yourself from her drama. Otherwise it will only be a matter of time before some new guy has his nuts on her chin.

 

Think about how your behavior may have led to being treated like a chump so you can learn from this and do better with the next girl.

[Stymie123]

Update: she basically is now flaking out.

 

She says she can't make a commitment right now, needs to be her own person, doesn't want to feel like she owes anyone anything, etc.

 

But also says...I love you, i want to be with you, feels amazing when we are together, can't imagine life without me, etc...and talks about our future

 

We agreed to "date" to see how things go. Things seem awesome when we are together, but it's not an everyday thing.

 

I basically told her we need more time apart so she can figure out what the hell she wants. This did not go ver well...she wants to keep talking, and asked if we could still see each other from time to time. She says she feels really confused about what she wants and that she thinks things will be great she just needs a little bit to herself.

 

Not sure what to do, i feel like just disappearing for my own well being ,and if she really wants to work it out someday she will show it. I'm just a little bothered because I'm willing to work it out, and she indicated she was then changed her mind once she saw i was "willing."

 

Really unsure of what to do.

[Stymie123]

Yesterday I told her we shouldn't talk until she knows what she wants, she agreed although seemed sad. Today I want to call and am regretting cutting it off again.

[mikeymad]

That was the best thing you've done so far. You need to draw a line in the sand....it's called a boundary. Respect yourself enough to say, if she can't commit to ONLY me, then she's not worth what I have to offer. Believe me man, there are plenty of girls out there who don't have go "find themselves". Don't focus on her, go ahead and start meeting new people. If she calls, and you mention the fact that you are going meeting new people, she will freak out and cling to you because she's afraid to lose you, yet she can't commit. This puts you in a personal hell because you are letting HER control the situation.

 

Draw the line, and stick to it. If you don't, she'll know she has your balls in her purse.

[Stymie123]

I think I just need to remind myself that nothing I say or do will "change" her mind, or reassure her that things might be different this time.

 

She says she can't separate her anxiety about the past and her desire to start over. Keep in mind it's been maybe 3 weeks since the brake-up.

 

Not sure if she is really confused or just keeping me around for ego/safety net. I think deep down it is the latter. I was just caught off guard by her reaching out to me after 10 days of no contact, telling me she made a mistake, etc.

 

I told her i was serious about trying again and she flakes after I push her to end things with the guy...she told me she doesn't love him, he is irrelevant to how she feels about "us" and that he is kind of boring/simple, but that she is going to see him, and will probably tell him she doesn't feel for him what he feels for her and that we are talking again.

 

Torn about the decision. I feel like i should have hung in there to show her i've changed, but know you can't make someone want you. Her behavior is all over the map.

 

This sucks.

[Stymie123]

We had made plans this past weekend to hang out. I ended up breaking them. She texted to find out why i wasn't going. A few hours later she follows up with a few more texts going on about how she realizes her behavior is probably the reason i didn't go.

 

I haven't responded at all.

 

The ****ty thing for me is that we had such a great time when we hung out earlier in the week, then she dropped the "I still need space" bomb. It's also confusing because she is more than willing to see me and do stuff, and seems genuinely interested in seeing me, but it's always up to me to ask her.

 

I've gone back to NC, and am honestly happy that i didn't go see her.

[Stymie123]

Update:

 

Not much has changed....well nothing has changed. We have been spending a lot of time together over the last few weeks. I would say we go 2 days without seeing each other,and then i will spend 2-3 days sleeping over her (our) old place. We have a great time when we are together. When we aren't together we text/talk all day.

 

She took me to see her family, and we have hung out with friends. Things appear good to outsiders as they have said so.

 

She talks about our future (wedding, family, etc). She says spending time together is helping the situation.

 

She has initiated sexual contact, or been receptive to it on a few occasions.

 

She has initiated general physical contact (hand holding, kissing, etc) many times.

 

She is always receptive to my offers to see her, and has yet to say "no" if i suggest getting together.

 

She has asked me to come over and stay a few times unprompted by me.

 

She displays intense jealousy if i bring up other women, exes or whatever. She knows i am not actively seeing anyone and knows that i want to work it out.

 

She says she loves me repeatedly.

 

She said what she needs from me right now is stability..

 

BUT.....

 

The issues are:

1) she is still texting/seeing the guy she cheated with

2) she said and continues to say that she isn't ready, and wants all her time for herself

3) she says she can't give anything

4) she is still proceeding ahead with looking for a new place alone.

5) she says she doesn't want to "date" anyone right now, but it sure looks like she is dating 2 people.

 

 

I have no idea what to do here. I am trying very hard to be supportive of her and show her that things have changed about me.

 

I feel like I'm stuck. In a way i feel like a quitter if i walk away.

 

I tried to initiate NC but break after a few days each time and she is happy to hear from me...and make plans.

 

 

 

Anyone have thought..? Am i being a sucker?

Edited July 8, 2010 by Stymie123

[chooch]

Update:

 

Not much has changed....well nothing has changed. We have been spending a lot of time together over the last few weeks. I would say we go 2 days without seeing each other,and then i will spend 2-3 days sleeping over her (our) old place. We have a great time when we are together. When we aren't together we text/talk all day.

 

She took me to see her family, and we have hung out with friends. Things appear good to outsiders as they have said so.

 

She talks about our future (wedding, family, etc). She says spending time together is helping the situation.

 

She has initiated sexual contact, or been receptive to it on a few occasions.

 

She has initiated general physical contact (hand holding, kissing, etc) many times.

 

She is always receptive to my offers to see her, and has yet to say "no" if i suggest getting together.

 

She has asked me to come over and stay a few times unprompted by me.

 

She displays intense jealousy if i bring up other women, exes or whatever. She knows i am not actively seeing anyone and knows that i want to work it out.

 

She says she loves me repeatedly.

 

She said what she needs from me right now is stability..

 

BUT.....

 

The issues are:

1) she is still texting/seeing the guy she cheated with

2) she said and continues to say that she isn't ready, and wants all her time for herself

3) she says she can't give anything

4) she is still proceeding ahead with looking for a new place alone.

5) she says she doesn't want to "date" anyone right now, but it sure looks like she is dating 2 people.

 

 

I have no idea what to do here. I am trying very hard to be supportive of her and show her that things have changed about me.

 

I feel like I'm stuck. In a way i feel like a quitter if i walk away.

 

I tried to initiate NC but break after a few days each time and she is happy to hear from me...and make plans.

 

 

 

Anyone have thought..? Am i being a sucker?

 

5 alarm bells there if you ask me mate:

 

1) she is still texting/seeing the guy she cheated with

2) she said and continues to say that she isn't ready, and wants all her time for herself

3) she says she can't give anything

4) she is still proceeding ahead with looking for a new place alone.

5) she says she doesn't want to "date" anyone right now, but it sure looks like she is dating 2 people.

 

If she wants stability then she should commit to a relationship with you. The current situation doesn't seem definite and therefore not very stable. To me it seems as if she's dangling you somewhere between the friend zone (possible incase things don't work out with the guy she cheated on you with) and a full relationship.

 

She needs to decide if she wants you or not.

 

It's up to you if you wait around for her to decide and possible mess you around or you turn your back and walk away.

 

Personally I'd suggest no contact. If she REALLY wants you she'll keep in touch and make you know it. Otherwise (to me) it looks like she's just stringing you along. Sorry to sound cynical but that's just my two cents.

 

She says she wants space so walk away (for now) and let it breathe. Go NO CONTACT properly at least for a bit an take it from there. Let us know how you get on

 

EDIT: for some reason the other posts didn't come up when I replied so it looked as if I was first to do so. Take others advice too; they're pretty much saying same thing!

Edited July 8, 2010 by chooch

[Melrapuo]

Ugh dude. You're now one of her two boyfriends. Run as fast as you can. It may feel great to seemingly have her back now, but you don't. She has her cake and is eating it too. She's being extremely selfish, and she's taking advantage of your emotions (as well as this other guys') and is getting the best of both worlds.

 

For your own good, drop her. Tell her you can't do this. Its either him or you, and if its not you, then you leave.

[listen_to_me_please]

your mind is damaged.

your relationship is over.

she is winning

you have no self respect.

your living in "her" world.

she will contiune to have sex with this guy

she is building a relationship with him while having you there.

your not going to get any sex because she's giving it away to the other guy.

your like her bff.

no sex for you but emmotional support for her.

your a fool.

you will end up hurt.

she is using you.

she has no respect for you.

your a girly man whom she can control.

she will leave you once she finds someone else

run forest, run!

[Stymie123]

Appreciate the comments...

 

We made plans a while ago to go out Sunday with a group of friends (everyone is a couple) and to a concert in a few weeks.

 

Do I break plans...or just proceed as normal, with NC between the events?

 

I want to avoid giving her emotional ammo to use against me as i have cancelled plans in the past and there are other people involved in these plans and i would like to avoid the "why didn't so and so come?" stuff.

 

???

[Melrapuo]

Appreciate the comments...

 

We made plans a while ago to go out Sunday with a group of friends (everyone is a couple) and to a concert in a few weeks.

 

Do I break plans...or just proceed as normal, with NC between the events?

 

I want to avoid giving her emotional ammo to use against me as i have cancelled plans in the past and there are other people involved in these plans and i would like to avoid the "why didn't so and so come?" stuff.

 

???

 

I'm sure if they were really friends they'd understand what was going on and why you'd have to break it off.

 

Either you go and then draw the line in the sand or just draw the line now. You may regret hanging on long enough for her to throw you away again.

[JLB]

I have the male version of your girlfriend...I am going through the EXACT same thing as you right now as I type this. He has been stringing me along for a year!!! I get the, "I Love You's," the "I miss you's" the "I am confused", "she isn't all that great", "I'm not in love with her" etc. yet he keeps going to see her, sleep with her, etc....

 

I finally said, that's it...do NOT contact me...for at least 3 mos...No texts, no calls, no emails, no coming by...nothing...

It is only day 4....on day 2....I got picture texts sent to me via him, of some place in the mountains he went to...I ignored it...I got the same pics texted to me again that same night...at 3 am...Mind games. I ignored it.

 

So now...he has left me alone since then. Found out he went out with his woman last night, so he is all good and taken care of for the day or whatever...but he will start to miss ME again...and that is when I will keep ignoring and ignoring and ignoring.

 

They need to make a decision....none of this "I'm confused" crap. Not worth it...so much better being alone then being screwed over. Try telling her to stop all contact with you and stick to it. Give her till the end of the year...when you make it sound like it's going to be a long time until she talks to or sees you again, she will freak out...that is what you want...but stay strong and stick to it.

[simonsez]

Appreciate the comments...

 

We made plans a while ago to go out Sunday with a group of friends (everyone is a couple) and to a concert in a few weeks.

 

Do I break plans...or just proceed as normal, with NC between the events?

 

I want to avoid giving her emotional ammo to use against me as i have cancelled plans in the past and there are other people involved in these plans and i would like to avoid the "why didn't so and so come?" stuff.

 

???

 

 

One of the mistakes people on here make is that they go NC, but FAIL to add one other element that is usually necessary..

 

 

You NEED to be dating someone else. Bring another woman into the picture and ALSO do NC. Then after she keeps contacting you, then you give the "well, I have met someone else and I don't think it would be fair to her to be seeing you. I want to see where this goes" type speech.

 

YOU need to do to her what she has done to you. You will find out that what works on her is what she has been doing to you.

 

Until you bring another woman into the picture things will not change. Bring another woman in and you may find her chasing you... Works like a charm. She did it to you and it sure is working on you. Isn't it?

[Stymie123]

Update: so i went to the thing and had a great time.

 

I avoided initiating any contact whatsoever..and the ex kept on trying both alone and in front of everyone. Kissing, hugging, motioning for me to sit next to her, leaning on me, etc.

 

I avoided discussing us and acted like i was there for me not for us.

 

She drops me off and says what a great time she had, gives me a hug and kiss and says i love you, and suggests seeing each other again.

 

An hour later she calls...we talk for 45 minutes, i don't ask about seeing her, us, or the fun time we had. We say goodnight and go to bed.

 

An hour later, she sends me 2 texts bitching me out for hanging out with this girl from work. I had mentioned earlier going out with this girl because i didn't think it was a big deal.

 

She says "that i'm stirring up trouble, and how could we ever get back together with her knowing that i work with a girl i went on dates with".

 

I get pissed at this point...

 

I write back: "that i wasn't dating, and that IF IF we ever got back together she would have to trust me as i have never given her a reason to doubt me, unlike her. That she is the one stirring up trouble, and if anyone is keeping us apart it's her. That she has been very clear and consistent about not getting back together, that i'm just facing facts, and that if she is trying to push me away she is doing a great job"

 

She sends back "lets drop it"

 

I then (mistake) clarified that i am not dating this girl, although she is cool, and if they met it wouldn't be weird.

 

We then exchanged a few more about how much fun we had...

 

WTF.

 

I'm going nc...i think she is nuts.

[lunita]

Sounds to me like she was trying very hard to be the person she thinks you want to love and then when she got no reaction out of you she got all pissed off and couldn't remain all nicey nice. Which is why she ended up bitching you out.

 

If you care about her then I'd tell her what you want and if not, then go NC lol.

[Stymie123]

Update:

 

I told her it was unsalvageable, and she freaked out, but said she needs more time...hahahaha.

 

So it's been 5 days since we stopped communicating...longest period since after the break up.

 

After all this, I still feel like calling her a few times a day, usually around mid-morning, 4:00pm, and just before bed. It's weird.

[U2RockZz]

she is not the one nuts,you are.....every thing she has done so far hasn't really cost her anything....she has her BF and her backup plan(you) ready to serve her at all the times when she is in need....if you have any self respect left in you then stop chasing her like a little puppy and get rid of her once for all...go date some body else then see how many calls you get....accepting her behavior means...you are setting yourself for another row

[LikeCharlotte]

Let her have her time. Tell her "give me a call in six months. I understand that will be hard but it should be enough time. If I am still available and you know what you want, great! If not Im sure we will both find aomeone else." Tell her it is that or nothing. Then get your head clear and start looking. I refuse to be a second choice and so should you. Self respect will carry you to something better.

 

I was in a similar situation once and I walked away. I just did my thing, met someone else and when he came back I simply said. "sorry, this one knows what he wants and You and I are different. I would not let you complicate a good realationship"

 

Sometimes you can try again but it is not happening now and you need to protect yourself because obviously she is #1 in her world and HE is #2. Go be the center of someones focused affection and attention. Accept no less.

 

Good luck.